Relationship/s

[sKePTiKal]

You'll be OK Hops. It's all about being really close to someone and showing empathy and compassion with touch. Start there and you'll discover it's a lot more than that. One thing naturally leading to another, as is usually the case. Those are really good feelings, IMO.

[lighter]

 I wrote "something that makes you feel powerful/at your best."

I certainly did not write "negligee."    
::nod::.

[Hopalong]

Got it!



I really did perk up with the emotional strengthening you gave, ((((Light)))).

Thanks, hon.

Hops

[lighter]

You really seem to connect with him,  Hops.  This is so different from your last relationship.  I hope that's real for you.  Every day.

Also, you can ask for what you want.  You can steer this thing into your comfort zone... maybe?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks much, Lighter.

I can. I do. I think I spent months trying to get across what I DON'T want that I couldn't focus well on the nuances. But thank god, he got it, and backed off the relentless repetitive pressure that was driving me nuts.

Somehow, I still believed it was his anxiety, nothing horrible. Just that, yet it was still driving me crazy. Then...he went into therapy. And almost overnight, he relaxed and cut out most of it, and then I told him another piece, and found that when I said directly (just as you're recommending) "I don't like that" -- he stopped doing whatever it was.

One small thing I should've spoken up about earlier was his habit of taking my wrist or hand unexpectedly when I was walking past him. I know he felt he was just reaching out to me, acting on impulse, but it made me feel trapped and jumpy. Sure enough, I opened my mouth and explained that...and he's never done it since.

Our communication is waaaay better and there's just a deeper connection now. I'm amazed but since HE relaxed (and I think therapy is the reason), I am relaxing more too. And that's gradually bringing me to what he wanted in the first place!

Men.
Love him but what a challenge it was...I had a lot of resistance to work through.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I have absolutely no advice to give you because I have 'been without' for so long now I wouldn't have a clue what to do now!  But I am really glad that you and M have/are working through things and that the things that were bugging you seem to have receded (bull fighting and suckling pigs aside!).  But it's great that he hears you and is willing to work at things and make changes.  I'm really happy for you and I hope that at some point it just feels 'okay' and the nervousness dispels a bit xx

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm just tucking into the book FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it sabotages our lives by Pia Mellody, and the part about feeling resentment....

feeling resentment....

feeling resentment.... struck a chord, for myself, when I read it this morning. I SEE that in my life.  I've lived it.  I'm so very tired of it inhabiting my life in ways I wasn't even aware of, but see when I examine it... or have it pointed out for me. 

It struck a chord reading your post about M taking your wrist or hand, not that it's applicable. 

SO MANY CHORDS, really, and

The words "I feel resentful" were the buzzwords I spoke JUST before my T suggested the Codependency books, and now I see WHY she suggested them.  I wish I'd read them long ago.   I wish we could directly input this information into children when they're in grade school, but I digress. 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel whatever it is coming up, for certainly you do.  I'm suggesting there might be something underneath it, that's observable, and helpful to discern.

Or not.

You're speaking up, expressing how you feel, asking for what you want, and asking M to stop doing certain things is HUGE,  Hops. 

Those pesky boundaries, right?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Turns out, the secret was

BUBBLE

BATH.



A happy
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

 

(((hops)))

[Hopalong]

Amber, had this in reply to you on Codependence thread but realized it goes here.

M and I looked at a house for fun and have talked about it a bit, and he indicated I could start learning what's out there since he has to start teaching next week, and I realized I wasn't sure about the parameters. So I didn't make it complicated, just asked: What is the range you're comfortable spending and what square footage? So he told me, so now I can focus. It all has to wait until he sells his condo in San Jose (CR), which might take a while, since he doesn't touch principal. And that's good to know too. (It helps that we've already had the money talk: it's simple for us because he's got it, I don't, and he's ready to spend it on our life and even to support me. I have my SS so won't be completely dependent (except for travel but he has literally hundreds of thousands of FF miles so I can accept the rest more easily) and after we move in together I'll have some rent coming in from this house. But in the big picture, he's going to buy the house and that simplifies things.) He's even open to the idea of a wing on my current house, which I'd love, but I doubt that'll work out.

Not worrying about it but it's a new phase for us. Complicated but happy to think about. I'm in no rush, and leaving this sweet hideaway will be hard. Likely nothing could happen before spring or next summer anyway. So I'll savor my time here while I can.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Turns out, the secret was

BUBBLE

BATH.



A happy
Hops

Aw, Hops, I hope that means what I think it means!  Who'd have thought bubble bath was the key   I'm glad this has become a happy phase now rather than a worrisome one xx xx

[lighter]

Bath time is lovely, Hops.  I'm so happy for you: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys. Blush.

We just went downtown for cafe dinner out, with Pooch. She does her diva thing (with the melting brown eyes that look rimmed in eyeliner) and collected pats in all directions from our table. I mean, people melt at her face and stop in their tracks to come pat her, it's so fun...

We ate and talked and enjoyed good wine and M was just waxing romantic nonstop, narrating our relationship and how happy he is. He was in good form. We even looked at another house he was quite enthused about and I could definitely adapt to. Fun!

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

"Narrating"... O.M.G.... (ooooops).
(blush......) I get it now.***


Hops, you and M seem to really have an affinity for water. Maybe find a house near a babbling stream or overlooking a river? I took 64 close to your city a couple time from the beach to the little cabin in WV. The babbling brook feature ought to be pretty common out that way too. Are you looking to stay in the city or get a little more remote? I'm betting there are lots of "best of both worlds" - close to the city's support services and yet out where it's quieter and not so hectic. Looking can be LOTS of fun.



*** more on what I now realize I've been doing; and how that's occurred in the farm thread.

[Hopalong]

Fortunately, there are plenty of quiet leafy neighborhoods right in the city where you can enjoy your pet deer (or chickens!) and have lots of nature. It's a town with nature embedded in it.

I've lived in the mountains and in several remote areas (the most: Appalachian Kentucky, where without 4WD you literally couldn't leave the holler in winter) but have no craving for that any more. Part of it's aging, part of it's cowardice (nice to be near a hospital if stroke ever revisits, every minute counts to limit damage). And...I discovered after years on mountainsides or eastern shores that I really do need to perceive my neighbors' nearness. It's comforting to me. I don't want racket, of course, but I don't crave isolation or massive privacy. Indoors, sure. But not when I'm walking; I crave the human landscape as much as the other...and it's a 20 minute drive to the most beautiful mountains I've ever known.

IN town, definitely. And fortunately, M. feels the same way. There's a river right through the city anyone can access from various paths, but living ON water is unlikely. We're not going to spend THAT much! (Though I did point out to him at one house today where he could put in a pool...). His own glimpse of lake is through a very overgrown woods that is currently smothering his house, so not very soothing.

Hugs
Hops