"Make me feel good" seems to be the implied message. Or "why are you not impressed with my awesomeness?" and "How dare you have a different perception, opinion or feeling than I do?"
Thanks, Amber. I think the first two quotes are pretty apt, for that jungle week when he just let loose with ego, insecurity and obsession with his own feelings...about Costa Rica, the house as symbolic of it all for him, his accomplishment in designing and building it, blah and blah. There's lots of loss and dislocation and unrootedness that it's all about. The third thing doesn't apply really, because fundamentally M does respect me. My mind.
What happened today was that the T was brilliantly present and observant as ever, and stopped M every time he'd either interrupt or contradict something I'd just said. He spelled out to M his habit of eloquently replying to me, Oh yes, I understand this,
but...or
however...and then "rewriting" what I said to fit his own narrative. (How wonderful our relationship is, how much he loves me, etc.) He also talks a lot saying "we this" and "we that" and the T stopped that too.
It was very perceptive and really kind of remarkable. The thing that makes me feel better is that M is genuinely humble and receptive in therapy. We even talked about an aborted intimate encounter when I felt completely unheard in a way that made me just give up. Anyway, I held nothing back. I described every detail of the experience from my perspective and it was a huge relief to do that with the counselor. M was distressed to hear it but he heard it. More significantly, I described exactly how I'd felt at the jungle house and during different times during the trip. M had written me an email saying, "The last 17 days were completely wonderful." It struck me as a wonderful condensation of the pattern and the T totally got it. I said there were 4 or 5 days of it that were the opposite of wonderful to me, how vulnerable and isolated I felt and how much I'd disliked M at the time for being so self absorbed.
I literally think when M is almost incantatorily talking nonstop (his form of self soothing, I think), he actually has no idea about my distress level. He's not trying to be cruel but doesn't realize how he's not making an empathic connection, but staying cerebral. The T got it too but didn't blame or criticize M; he's just working to help him see it. He advised him his professoritis is not working for him and that for him to get the commitment he wants from me, he is going to have to be the student, not the teacher. M agreed with him, agreed with all of it.
We are both colossally impressed with the T, and M is not aggressive or defensive at all in the sessions. He seems hugely motivated to make it work. I'm not saying I assume or am positive it will, just that M's attitude in therapy is amazingly open and receptive, in my view. (I've been in therapy with an ex who made it very obvious that he had contempt for both me and T, and we divorced. M's behavior is the opposite.)
M also pointed out that except for a couple of months after his divorce, he's never been in therapy before and I'm "way ahead of him." I thought that was fair (I've spent decades in therapy) and the T said, all the more reason you need to be listening to her. He also described me to M as being very concerned with how others are feeling and that he wanted me to be more responsive in the moment when M goes into his obliviousness.
All in all, it was a huge relief to have the T express in front of M that he clearly got how vulnerable I was feeling during the trip, and he'd ask M, did you notice how she was feeling in this moment or that one? And M's responses showed M himself that he had missed it. That was validating.
I don't think it's malice or hidden horrors. I just think he's lived in his brain for a very long time, and in different cultures from me, and with different kinds of women (never an American), and has an oversized ego (insecurity) and he says over and over that I am different from any woman he's ever known, etc etc. He enumerates why and he really means it. But, his lists of compliments don't fix things for me --I want empathy, not a list of assets, and the T totally gets this. Whew.
And...we do love each other. I don't doubt his sincerity, at all. If he continues with me in this process, I think it's worth it for both of us, no matter what the final outcome is. He seems deeply committed to it and also seems to have huge respect for the T. I've never seen him react to another man that way, have only seen him with his peers/academic colleagues, when they're jousting.
All in all, I feel better. I see the cardiologist tomorrow and am anxious about that, but if it's a reassuring visit I know I'll be feeling way better this time tomorrow night.
Hugs
Hops
