Thanks, Tupp. Your comment about the spectrum reminded me to consider also that M may have some degree of neuro-atypical something. It's never a bright line kind of thing and certainly no diagnosis, but it does fit with some of his behaviors: the compulsive talking, fiddly restless hands, hyper behavior, addiction (food) and obsessiveness about his routines and ways of doing things. I mean, why wouldn't there be "co-morbidity" as there so often is with various things? ADD, OCD, selective deafness? I'm sure I'm a pile of them: ADD, mood swings, sleep disorders, periodic depression, blah and blah.
All of those I think are not so terribly severe as to mean I can't adapt. Literally politely walking off is likely the best way, in case I can't get through verbally.
As to the domination when under stress, I dunno. I don't expect him to be perfect and he's a lot more pleasant to be with than other men I've loved. But that trait is one I do not want to have to deal with in an ongoing way, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable. It's infrequent, but of a piece with unaware entitlement that his upbringing marinated him in. We had a deeper than usual talk yesterday. At one point, I said to him (judgement-free): you are elitist, and he said yes, I am. He didn't take it as an insult but as an observation and wasn't offended. He's too intelligent not to realize that the way he was raised and trained to view the world, and the rarified gilded ivory tower he lives in, hasn't had that effect.
On the other hand, M is very very smart and at times when we talk either alone or in T about deeper stuff, meaning nuances (if not emotional ones), I can see his eyes light up with interest, and sense his wheels are turning. I also notice some changes in his behavior at times that feel as though they came from him trying to learn. I honestly think he writes so much (as do I) that it was a big mistake to bring it all up with him BY EMAIL. I am just as sensitive to the written word as he is, and no matter how much I tried to cushion the observation ("these episodes contained dominance") with love and compassion, I think he still felt defensive. I can't blame him for that. We've both got to learn to connect and communicate in the real and from the heart. In fact, what I interpret as dominance might be partly that, but even more, compulsion. That's easier to forgive. Dominance hits me in some primitive and threatened place, and I don't like visiting there.
More practice, assertion and boundaries, might actually work well in the long run.
Lighter, you're so astute and it IS a lot of work. Time will tell whether it's been worth it. Generally as long as I'm learning and not too anxious, it is so far. But thanks for asking illuminating questions:
Rhetorical question.... when you feel into your body...... do you feel M understands T, how he's the student... how you're both working on changes to bring you together in harmony?
I know that now and then in T, the Sikh reminds M that he wants M to get more of what he wants: more trust from me, and a happier relationship. M usually seems to take that in with trust in the Sikh. He said once recently when we were getting intense (usually our T-dialogue is pretty friendly): The most important thing to me is to show you how not to hurt each other.
Or do you have the feeling he's engaged bc he's interested in himself....happy to spend time with you as a couple's activity, rather than getting down to nitty gritty work?
I know he started T because I made it clear I thought he needed it individually (told him he HAD to learn to manage his own anxiety) and later that we needed it together. His reaction to something I clearly state I want or need that will move our relationship forward is to say Yes. (I think he sensed in both decisions that if he refused he would likely lose me.) He isn't always receptive in individual difficult moments, but overall he seems entirely willing to hang in with therapy. I think he downgraded it a bit in his response to that big email only because something might have hurt. His ego has a tough time letting in less-pleasant information about himself. Mine too.
But I also think some of it is interest in himself and "couple's activity" -- he has from the start wanted more connection and certainty of commitment than I have been ready for. So, I think he sees it as a necessary step to get what he wants.
Noticing my face, eyes and responding to present emotional information from me (much less verbal) is something the T has begun to raise with M. Plus, asking me questions. I don't yet know whether it's neuro-psycho-bio stuff that makes it difficult for him. Don't really care, honestly.
My general hope is that the effect of T over time will be to make him a bit more flexible and a bit more curious, about himself and the human element in everything. More aware of how his behaviors affect me, and more practiced in tweaking them. The relief with the Sikh is that he can help carry the weight of the hard work; I'm not alone in it any more.
If he's at permanent-Popeye ("I yam what I yam") and either unable or uninterested in stretching his knowledge base, then my interest in deeper commitment or marriage may wear away. And despite my security needs, I might be better off letting that happen. I don't have to decide now and I'm glad of that.
We're each trying hard in our old-fart ways. He started fantasizing about renewing travel again, mentioning this European city or that one, and I thought, I'm so glad we can't do that for a while. And I will not go, unless I'm feeling very confident about where we are. He's both stimulated and soothed by the intense distractions of travel and its reassuring luxuries, and though I enjoy those too, I need way less than he does. Quarantine is a good teacher.
This is too long. Gonna reply to myself to break it up.
grateful hugs,
Hops
