I keep starting down the path of castigating myself for having had a meltdown last week, but if I'm fair (friend-ly) to myself, what it really amounted to was a few days of strong feelings and some vulnerability and retreat.
And now I feel myself on the way to the climb out. Some things I have done, baby steps, to improve my mental state and create positivity even with winter coming:
--finally got through to M's housecleaner, agreed on a price (oof) and booked her for twice a month. No longer sure I'll feel comfortable hanging out at M's "pod place" so the "what to do with myself other than drive around" for five hours is a dilemma. He works in his study every morning and though I prefer afternoons, she is only free in the mornings. And she is the only one I am certain will wear the mask while working, as she does at M's. So...long story short, after Tgiving I'll see how I feel about it and decide what to do then.
If anybody has ideas on places one can go to sit outside during winter...I will take Pooch and can always delight her with a series of bundled-up walks in new places, cold weather or not. But I really don't have the energy these days to walk for five hours or another place to go that's virus-safe besides M's. (Cleaner takes 2-3, and doctor said stay out 2 more after she leaves house.)
M will be pleased to have me come there I think. The only way I can continue to have a pod place is to go there twice a month in the mornings this winter. I can work on paperwork and be separate from him (he'll only come out of his study to grab coffee) in the dining room/LR area, and bring a book. I would just do a couple hours there I think and try to drive around the rest of the time. It's just a weird, weird thing. I am aware of one dog-friendly restaurant with a semi-outdoor patio with big heaters, so I could try to wind up there around lunchtime for the last two hours before I go home. There will be people in masks, but decent good air circulation and well spaced tables.
Ideally (this is so disjointed) I'd feel generally better if I can plan things for those cleaner mornings that do NOT involve any dependence on M's hospitality. If I can carefully plan a list of dog-walks plus errands that are as safe as I can figure out, plus perhaps a long drive to a country town to meet a friend for an outside lunch (that won't be possible all winter)...I'll do the best I can to minimize M-time.
What I had otherwise been thinking was that depending on how I feel seeing him after Tgiving, if I re-wobble it might be better for me to withdraw entirely from contact with him. Not out of anger or anything, just to get myself a good distance from the dream-dregs until I'm positive I'm in an entirely new phase of how I view the relationship (dependent on the kind of objectivity Lighter describes that I'm not skilled at). I was shocked by how wrong I was last week about having gotten all the way to the other side.
But if I CAN maintain my own center, I should not be emotionally hobbled by that sort of contact. Especially during mornings. It's the go-for-wine-and-dinner-coziness that was pretty undermining I think. Nothing was wrong with all the feelings that bubbled up. I don't feel them now. I think it was grief residue that I had sealed off and avoided, and it just came up and out.
I feel lighter and calmer because it did. If seeing him now and then as "pod refuge from housecleaning plumes" I still feel that way, it'll be okay. Just yakking my way through it here.
Hmmm. One last thought. M has a whole first floor near-apartment, basement area, that is literally unused. He comes through occasionally to fetch a book from the stacks or wine from the wine room, but wouldn't be doing that often at all in the mornings. That would feel less connected and also be a space in his home that doesn't have all the associations from the previous rituals we shared. I think when I go I'll ask if he'd mind if I worked down there (paperwork in a big tote.) It'd help I think.
hugs
Hops
