Meandering

[Twoapenny]

Been thinking about 2's Reciprocal relationship post after I met up with an ex coworker/friend yesterday. I think maybe I am going to not plan any more get togethers with her, if she wants to I will leave it up to her. I would like to meet some NEW people at the same time I just don't have the energy or outgoingness to go to meetup groups.

I understand the lack of energy when it comes to groups, G, I've been really lucky that these things I've done have gone well because generally I find groups draining and I avoid them.  It does get difficult to meet people, I think, especially if you don't have the energy or inclination to socialise a lot.  Sometimes I think we should all have badges to explain what we want "I'm happy to chat to you for ten minutes to see if you're a nice person but don't come near me if you just want to talk about yourself all the time"   It would make it easier to filter people out lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

So what's new in your world G?

[Meh]

Heyo, every thread on here says "New" since I'm random about coming on here.

Only the most mundane. I woke up at 7 AM! I walked to get a cup of coffee. I feel like I have things to write. Not new things. I also feel very unenergetic and bogged down maybe that is just natural. Its a sign of boredom perhaps. bored with old issues.

To sum it up feeling a bit sad and lonely I guess.


Got glasses, had a pair that I never wore many years ago, now maybe I really need them. The old prescription I think was only for one eye, this is for both eyes so it's more balanced maybe. Of course my eyes hurt because of too much screen time. Not enjoying books so much at the moment. Surfing the net. The glasses were sitting and waiting for me to pick them up at the optometrist office for quite a few weeks, I had already paid I almost just didn't care anymore. But now I have them at least they aren't purple this time. I don't feel like ripping them off my face at least.

Sleep schedule is so messed up from my lack of daily grind that I was awake around 5:30 a couple days ago and decided to go for a morning walk, it was nice, quiet. I realized that I hadn't seen a lot of this neighborhood, a coyote slinked by too.

[Twoapenny]

The early morning walk sounds nice, G, I love being out when most other people aren't, it's such a different world when it's quiet   Coyote as well!  Are they quite used to people or do they scurry away?  We have a lot of urban foxes here who are very bold; they'll go as far as coming in people's houses sometimes.  Squirrels in big parks are quite tame as well and will often eat out of people's hands (whether they want them to or not!).  We're near the sea so the seagulls are around constantly and will steal food from people as they move it from their hand to their mouth.  I saw a lady put her pastie on the roof of her car while she rummaged in her bag for her keys and a very happy seagull swooped down and helped himself   Lol x

[Hopalong]

G--
I hope you find some good company soon, and in the meantimes, you plugging into nature every day (early morning is heaven) is such a wise thing to do. Sometimes just walking and walking calms pain and refreshes mind.

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

The coyotes scurry away at a pace that is like a sarcastic jaunt, I don't believe they are very fearful animals. I mean for the most part they stay away unless you are sitting quietly in a park for a while and they sometimes will sneak up on you either because they think people have food or might be food?

[Meh]

Sigh. Marie Kondo.

One drawer in my kitchen was perfect then I cleaned out the upper cabinets. Apparently I did not give the upper cabinet re-do enough thought because I put the coffee behind the soysauce. Man I still need coffee. This morning I tipped the soysauce bottle over onto the counter and it exploded when it hit the counter, soysauce waterfalled down into my perfect drawer. Shot soysauce and tiny slivers of glass all over my pants. Tired.  I have a measuring tape near by. It created a soysauce glass mess that reached a radius of six feet. It's the kind of thing that makes a person seethe inside. I know it's stupid but all I want is an entry area that people can walk into and it doesn't look like I'm a crazy slob. But you know what against Marie-Kondo-ish process I kept soysauce packets, YES I HAVE CONDIMENT packets in my perfect drawer. So when I go to microwave a paper plate of frozen vegetables, put soysauce on it and call it lunch I am prepared.

[Hopalong]

I will silently scream for you, Gboat!
One of those random attacks of bad luck that really make you grit your teeth.

I have a charming habit of flailing my arm out and knocking water glasses off my nightstand in my sleep. Lost count of the times I've had to stumble around, picking up little splinters, trying to soak it all up with a bath towel in the middle of the night. A lot simpler than a six-foot soy sauce planet, though.

This was not the universe commenting negatively upon you. Promise. Just shit happening.

Hope it's all cleaned up by now and you're feeling philosophical. BTW, loved your post about the coyotes and glad they didn't eat you!

Hugs and sleep well,
Hops

[Meh]

Heh Hops. Yeah my life is pretty uneventful. I've vacummed about six times and I still see little slivers of glass. It's no longer a virgin floor. Oh well.


So I have this book that I finally got from the library "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?"  Karyl McBride   

It has been sitting there for a few days untouched I don't know why, I'm lazy I guess, mind is not turned on in general right now.

Today thumbed through it though, it looks pretty "validating" from what little bits I read.

There is something about a book that just addresses this issue which is nice. For some reason I've always felt the issue of having a Narcissistic was like enigmatic? Cloudy, hard to define, hard to put a finger on. Something that you can't talk to most people about. Something that maybe deserves more attention than what I have given. In the past I think I struggled to figure out "what was wrong with me" etc. Struggled with how to put space between me and my relatives and felt bad for it. Focused on the relationship with family members. Didn't focus on my understanding of self or my relationship with myself.

The title of the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough doesn't quite seem like it fits me but inside the book the content does fit me. I'm definitely going to read through this.

Some other woman who got this book from the library has underlined certain things and checked certain boxes in the book with a pencil.

I mean the concepts aren't new to me now but maybe I still need to dive into it. For one thing I feel like I have given up on a lot of aspects of my life. I'm not sure that really has all to do with Narcissistic mothers.

Maybe I don't care about my relationship with my mother anymore. We are both OLD. Honestly though I do need to work on myself. Oh god the world of self-help books. To think that reading a book is going to help it's kinda comical. I guess at a minimum it can help a person become more aware of their thought patterns. I will give it that much.

Well I'm going to walk to the store and get myself some reading snacks. It's funny there are lots of reading snack lists on the internet. I guess it's part of reading enjoyment.

[Hopalong]

In your honor, G, I flung another big glass of my nightstand today!
Fortunately, this time it was empty so I only had the broken glass to clean up, instead of a mix of glass splinters and water.

I actually paused to think (imagine!). Occured to me I have one of those fancy water bottles that's not very big, and has a rubbery top on it that you twist shut. DUHHHH. Should have been using it on nightstand all along! But I'm glad the idea came. Hope I never have to do that joyless job again in the middle of the night.

I loved that book...one of the best for digging into low self-esteem I've ever read. I've personally been a big fan of GOOD self-help books. Quite a few have changed my life.

Good on you for doing that for yourself! May it pay off long term. With practice it will! I read a LOT of them and the positivity did keep piling up, generating hope.

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

So I've been eating Leibniz butter biscuits, they seem to have less sugar than yoghurt and about the same amount of fat. And I've been eating popcorn and cucumbers. Spending too much time on the sofa really. Getting into this book, the content seems very familiar at this point. No major revelations although sometimes there is a tidbit here and there that is nice to read. Of course there are things that I just won't agree with. End of page 13 author says "I believe almost all mothers harbor good intentions toward their daughters". And I just think well I guess she covered herself by saying "almost all". Part of me wants to say my mother is a piece of shit. It feels wrong writing that it really does. Maybe it would be healthier for me though if I see her that way.  One wonders.

My mother frequently seems like she has two personalities, the social polite one and then the nasty one she doesn't show to just anybody. 

For some reason she feels like she has to keep in touch with me. I'm not sure why she even bothers, I think it's her back up insurance plan. I'm "the royal little bitch" she think is going to drive her to her appointments when her husband dies or something. You know maybe it won't come to that, maybe she will pass away in her sleep, maybe she will just end up somewhere, maybe her rich brother and sister will figure something out for her. I really do feel some kind of weird stress about what I owe to my parents. I mean what if I died they would be on their own anyways. It's not as if I determine anything that happens to them. Old age was going to come to them no matter what. If I was born or not they were going to get old and by now they should have already figured out they couldn't really depend on me. I mean if I could figure out I couldn't depend on them, they also could figure out they can't depend on me. I guess.

Even though I have given up on her a while ago. I still feel like I haven't realistically defined what she means to me.

I'm just going to keep reading this book. I have the feeling the author probably read this message board as part of her research lol.

I do wonder why can people hate politicians, the pope, a celebrity. But I can't say to myself my mother is a piece of shit. I guess when all is said and done I just need to let go even more. Maybe I still need more distance. I don't even know where I am going with this. Maybe I really need to journal something about a definition, because really if your mother isn't a mother that makes them just another person. Another person but not a mother. A parent by definition but a very vague definition. I mean what if I don't visit her again. Really the last few times I have visited her are few and far between and each time she really does look older. It's creepy seeing your parents age even if they are a piece of shit. I mean time is going to pass regardless of what I do or don't do. Time really does seem like it flys by.

I'm not saying I harbor massive resentment or massive anger anymore. A little bit at least sure. It's just maybe I haven't judged her harshly enough. It's more like I have just ignored what didn't exist. In the end if I were to give it a more mature name than piece of shit maybe I would say conartist.  Just a long term con.

I'm just writing to myself here. Just like to write it out even if I'm only repeating the same thing over and over.

To maintain peace with them one has to keep on going along with them on some level. And I guess people do this all the time, they go along or play along with something. I guess it's just the power dynamics of life. It's like going along with an employer when really all you want to do is give the finger and walk away.

[Meh]

When I visited my mother few months ago she got a phone call from a family friend. My grandfather's old girlfriend of sorts who had been pretty much life long friends with my grandfather. I hadn't seen her since I was a kid. My mother told this family friend that I was their visiting her (I was with my mother) (family friend called from out of state). The family friend sounded so excited to say hi to me, she is in her 90's poor thing. My mother put her on speaker phone for a moment, I said hi to her on speaker phone. We greeted for less than a minute as my mother had something more to carry on the conversation. The thing is that family friend was more excited to say hi to me than my mother has ever been in my entire life. The only way I can really understand how foul my relationship is with my mother is when it can be compared to something else.

[Meh]

So I always thought the idea of Narcissistic supply was more or less a person receiving attention. The stereotype of the celebrity with cameras on them or whatever. Though I came across something that suggested inflicting pain on others is some type of Narcissistic supply. Or that just getting a certain type of negative emotional reaction is supply to the narcissist.  It's a new idea to me really. It's interesting I never really thought about it that way before, it's just way more weird and complicated.

It does make me wonder how and why did humans get such complicated personality types. I guess maybe they are acting out of instinct like any other animal. I want to think it's pretty dark and sinister. Power and control issues seem to explain extreme abuse and neglect pretty well. It's just weird to think a person's emotional instinct could lead to really dark behavior. I don't know I am rambling.

Narcissism seems so intentional though.

[Hopalong]

I think the dark is real, G.
Certainly the N personality disorder is, and it's real in them but expresses to different degrees. My Nmother's came out in endless gobbling demand to be listened to nonstop AND in a huge amount of emotional manipulation. But she would never do something consciously cruel or sadistic and had a social conscience and was a terrific teacher of children. They gave her supply by responding to her outgoing charm, and she was the best reading teacher anywhere.

What modified my mother's Nness, honestly, was her Christianity. In loooong hindsight, I see that her religion helped her be "the best N she could be" in the sense that whatever was broken in her, not just by her Ngenes but by a very hard, poor childhood with sexual abuse in the home...her faith gave her a bit of hope and also "rules." She followed them. Never a moment's unfaithfulness to my Dad and she was a very responsible parent.

Ns come in all sorts of packages and with huge variations.

My biggest healing lesson was learning that LIGHT is as real in this world as darkness. And that I could actively seek it out, repeatedly. I also learned that if I DIDN'T actively seek it out, the dark would get bigger.

Hence: Self-help books. Therapy. Being here. All of those for years. It's made all the difference.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Yeah N's do come in lots of variations. It could have been worse according to this book one mother sold her daughter for $300.00 to the extreme end of the spectrum I guess.

As I'm working my way through this book it points out the different manifestations of Narcissistic mothers both the overbearing and ignoring. Definitely my mother was the ignoring type to the extreme. I guess I'm glad she doesn't meddle in my life too much.

My father was more the non-stop talker about himself and my grandfather too for that matter. My mother would listen to her father talk for hours. Not sure if it's an age and lonliness thing or Narcissism. I guess anybody talking too much is taking up all the air in the room and suffocating the other.

My reason for reading this book I guess is still that I feel very much unconnected from family and that maybe I do have other gaps in my life. I fall into more of the "loner" type - page 119.

I have read elsewhere about Narcissistic disgarding. I think that I've been going through some disgarding cycle with my mother and when I spoke with my father him as well for many years. If I'm honest maybe I even do it to other people. Discarding.

It's like I'm looking through a freaking microscope breaking it all down over and over. It almost feels absurd but necessary.