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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
Well I thought I would give you all a little update as I am several days in to my, "I am broken and I don't give a crap anymore so everyone can get lost and I'm staying in to eat biscuits" phase. I have to say it's going well!
I am feeling better, physically and mentally. The lack of pressure to be at college twice a day has made a big difference, as has being able to take my time and do what I want to do, rather than having to focus on where I need to be to match the college timetable.
My initial idea of only being in this house for six months seems hilariously optimistic now. I think it's more likely we'll be here at least another two years, if not longer. Realistically, I need to sort all of son's college and healthcare stuff out before I even think about moving, and then I would be best placed to get some money coming in regularly and to save up enough to move again without having to borrow as I did last time. So I think another two years here is minimum. With that in mind, I've started on a major clear out and re-arrange again and it's going well. I have a huge shelf unit in the sitting room that is just full of files and folders, with the top two shelves being piles of all sorts of things that need sorting out in some way or another. I've cleared the two top shelves this morning (a lot of it was rubbish and just needed dumping) and I'm going to aim to sort through a file a day, if possible. There is stuff there now that's so old I really could scan it and then shred the hard copies. Some stuff is duplicated as well so I could do the same with that. The paperwork remains a bit of a nemesis in my life so clearing through it whilst sorting out the current stuff will probably be quite therapeutic. What's great about the holiday is that I can do some of the stressy, unpleasant stuff, and then go and do as much calming, relaxing, nice stuff as I like, because I don't have the worry of getting back for college that I had before. So yesterday we went to the beach in the afternoon and just sat enjoying the sun, watching the surfers and being an old maid (I don't know what you guys call them but over here everyone seems to be wearing swimsuits that go up their bums! We would call that a thong but is that what you call beach shoes?) So I was looking at all these bums out on the beach and feeling like an old woman thinking, "we wouldn't have done that when I was younger" lol. But it's nice, it's just real life, you know, feeling the sun and running the sand through my fingers and watching the waves crash. It was lovely, and then we went to buy food for tea and again, it was easy because I didn't have to worry about son being tired from college and try to do it before I did anything else. It's working well.
Son has been amazing; I wanted to try to de-clutter his room a bit and I want to re-arrange things in there and get him a new bed. He is usually very resistant to getting rid of anything and we often end up putting everything back, or I sneak a few things into a box and hide them in my room. But he was keen to help so a couple of boxes of toys have gone in to the attic and there's another box waiting to go to the charity shop. There's a lot more to do but it was a good start and it was amazing that he was so keen to do it.
I have had a couple of blips with a phone call and an email from a speech therapist. Any contact from anyone now just feels like a threat and the physical reactions are very strong. But, again, I've got more time to deal with it now, so I was able to talk myself down a bit, concentrate on sorting out the lunch and then we're heading to the beach again for a while and then to do more food shopping. We're doing a day trip tomorrow that son has chosen and he's bought a new computer game with his pocket money that we'll collect on the way so he's happy and things are going well :) I will update with more improvements as they happen :) Thank you all for being there! xx
Meh:
Ha!! @ "Well I thought I would give you all a little update as I am several days in to my, "I am broken and I don't give a crap anymore so everyone can get lost and I'm staying in to eat biscuits" phase. I have to say it's going well!"
I know it's not funny but at the same time it is. We can't all be perfect and fab all the time can we.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on July 03, 2019, 11:35:52 PM ---Ha!! @ "Well I thought I would give you all a little update as I am several days in to my, "I am broken and I don't give a crap anymore so everyone can get lost and I'm staying in to eat biscuits" phase. I have to say it's going well!"
I know it's not funny but at the same time it is. We can't all be perfect and fab all the time can we.
--- End quote ---
Ha ha, I know what you mean, G, it is funny how deciding not to bother any more can be the most positive form of action to take. I'm just so tired of trying to make life better and other people getting in the way of that. So I have just thrown in the towel and funnily enough have felt happier and more relaxed since. The sting of 'friends' not getting in touch or returning my calls has left me, it seems, and I'm finding it easier to focus on people who do keep in contact and on doing things that I want to do and enjoy doing, rather than what I must do all the time.
It is a lot easier for me to have my son home; it makes managing his health problems easier and that in turn reduces my workload so that has helped a lot and we've got another nine weeks of that now :) We had a nice day out yesterday and we're out tomorrow so today we can stay at home and I can catch up on home jobs while he does whatever he fancies.
I blocked the hole in the fence yesterday in the hope that it will stop the annoying cat from next door coming in (she's cute but she keeps attacking our cat who is usually ferocious but for some reason seems scared of this one and runs indoors to hide. Our cat has a stress related health problem so I try not to let her get stressed to stop that flaring up - we all seem to suffer from stress in this house!). Just heading off for a nice bath and a productive day of getting things done but in my own time and at my own pace :)
Twoapenny:
Just going to use this space to jot down problem things as I notice them :)
Washing up - we have a very small kitchen with a very limited amount of space and, it seems, a never ending pile of washing up, or dishes that have been washed and are waiting to be put away, or recycling that needs taking out, or various bits and pieces that need to go to the shed/bin/recycling centre or something like that. It is an almost constant mess in there, mostly just because it's small so you only need one work surface cluttered for it to look messy. I do try to tidy up each time I go in there but I feel like I never get to the end of it and the only time it's tidy is that small gap between me cleaning it and using it again. Think I probably just need to work on not being bothered by the mess rather than stressing about it as I can't see any practical way to stop it getting cluttered other than never using it :)
I've just sorted out the big bookcase in the sitting room. It is mostly full of files and folders relating to all the hideous paperwork; it's hidden behind a door a lot of the time so I can ignore it but it does tend to get cluttered with stuff that I just sort of bung up there because I haven't got time or don't feel up to dealing with it, so it just gets put there. The problem I have with decluttering jobs like that is not knowing how long they'll take. If I start it and don't have time to finish then it just makes the problem worse, so I often leave it. I had plenty of time today, and as it turned out it only took about ten minutes to put things away and bung some stuff in the shredder so it was fine, but it made me realise how unfinished jobs stress me out because they're so unknown. I also don't know how I'll react to stuff and doing anything with it upsets me, but what's good about today is that I can do some yoga now to work out the bad feelings. So I think I need to take the next nine weeks as a chance to get all the horrible jobs out of the way, deal with all the feelings that come up because of it, try to work it all out with yoga, beach walks, days out and generally nice, healthy coping habits. And then maybe if I've at least got the backlog out of the way and some sort of idea of what to do next in place by the time the summer holidays finish I'll be able to do the winter with healthier habits in place and it might all be a bit easier.
lighter:
Oh, Tupp. So much of your post resonates for me right now. Keeping up with clear counters in the kitchen, recycling, and paperwork. There's SO much stress around paperwork, but I'm employing new strategies, and seeing how that goes.
Remember you can push on a door jamb, with ALL YOUR MIGHT, if you're stuck feeling tense.
Counting backwards....
Walking backwards, around an item in the room.... all these things done while breathing in, and out slowly, with intention.
Glad things are calming down with college out. You're a giant, Tupp. I know most people wouldn't be doing as well as you are. You're amazing, and resilient, and I can't wait to see the next phaser for both of us: )
Lighter
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