Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 25, 2019, 06:31:57 PM ---G, I think you'd be a great addition and candidate for small town life! Tupp, is your town a summer tourist mecca? If that's the case, the season is close to hand now, when "local community" revs up a bit because all the tourists are gone. You might find some of those new acquaintances becoming friends soon.
--- End quote ---
Skep, yes, lots of tourists, it's been really nice, I've enjoyed directing people to good places to park and telling them where to get the best icecream! And I agree, G would be a great addition anywhere :) Lol xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 24, 2019, 03:22:28 PM ---Yes yes yes, Tupp. You're in position to build new habits, and move forward in safety.
You have room to create, and add worthy relationships. This is possible bc you've questioned and limited past relationships.
Loneliness is a messenger too. This part of your life needed attention.
I don't know why growth is painful, but it is, ime
You have good reason to feel optimistic: )
Lighter
I think you see your future with clarity.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
New habits, Lighter, new habits :)
Acunpuncturist suggested I write a list of 101 things to do before I die (might have already mentioned this on a thread, I'm not sure). I wrote it in about twenty minutes flat and could easily have written more; there is so much I have wished I could be doing over the years! So I wrote it all out and it's a good list. I decided that I am going to spilt my week into work and play. I have things I have to do each day; I don't particularly want to but they need doing. So I am giving myself a working day of eight hours, Monday to Friday, and during the working hours I will do the boring but necessary stuff. Then the time outside of that, and the weekends, and the 28 days holiday a year I have decided to award myself (apparently 28 days is the national average here) I can spend working on my list of things to do before I die, trying to find ways to do things, find out more about things and so on. So far, it's working well! I feel less down trodden and downcast and I've had some nice evenings working on projects of my own. I want to do a memory book up for my son for his 18th next year so I got started on that, and finally pulled out the jewellery making kit I bought about three years ago and haven't opened yet. I've dance round the sitting room, chopped the sleeves off a couple of tops to 'customise' them and have started sifting through a pile of resources I've made for son over the years, thinking I might stick them up online and see if anyone else wants to use them. It's felt better than just plodding through the day until I drop and then watching crap telly until I go to bed.
In less good news, my sister called to tell me my mum knows where we live and is planning to holiday here in the next month. I really thought she might have stopped with all this crap now. I kicked myself for telling anyone we'd moved but then thought no, I shouldn't have to live like a fugitive on the run. I dreamt I was being raped last night, and was screaming with no noise coming out. I hate that dream so much, I woke at 4am on the verge of screaming for real. Couldn't get back to sleep. I hate that just the mention of them both still elicits something that I can't control (how do I control my dreams? I'm not even conscious). I have put 'see my mum again' on my list of things to do before I die. Maybe that will be happening sooner than I think. I can only keep on doing what I'm doing and just deal with things as they come up but the woman drives me mad. It has made me realise that my thinking that I could help her out if she ended up alone is probably just nonsense; just the thought of her has thrown me completely off course so there's no way I could go back to any kind of regular contact with her. She's a royal pain in the arse.
lighter:
Ahh, sorry about your sister's news, ((Tupp.))
I'd like to believe that it's just an empty poke at you, and maybe it is. In any case, you might want to jot down thoughts about this on a new pad of paper, process what you need to about this, review it, then burn it, or shred, whatever feels best.
Once you process it, you'll have more room to relax into the knowledge these people don't have power over you any longer, and you can take back the power they do have. The mindful practice, cultivating curiosity, and compassion for yourself and situation, refusing to live with the knee jerk fight or flight reaction you've always suffered..... maybe this event... or the threat of the event, can lead to huge growth, and realizing for you. And that knee jerk reaction is a terrible way to live. It was installed by the PDs, and it's necessary to uninstall it, and reprogram our responses.
These people are elderly, have little time to poison people, they don't KNOW who to seek out and tell lies to, they're elderly and can't sit outside your home for long waiting for you to come and go... they'll likely appear insane if they go to the college, and start spewing accusations that don't jibe in any way with who you are, and what you're doing for your son.
They're very sad, broken, elderly people, and they no longer have the power over you and your son they once had. The truth is they certainly did, and you've suffered terribly. That's your reality THEN, but it's not your reality now. Your brain doesn't know the difference. Time to internalize that reality, maybe.
You've broken away physically, and now you can break away emotionally.
As difficult as it is to have criminals come back and attempt to harm you again, which stirs up the original injustice, we have a choice to limit that emotional vomit, IME.
Take back your power. Even though the PDs have intention to harm and do trauma to you.... they no longer have the ability to do so. Internalize that, and claim that power for yourself. With curiosity. With compassion for yourself, then and now. No judgment. Just notice what comes up.
I hope you can reach out to your good friends, get some feedback. Hit on it, with notes, then put it down. I find my most pragmatic friends have very good insights, and I always benefit from short discussions about the PDs.
Perhaps visit the local police station, and give them a heads up regarding the possibility your pedophile sf will confront you at your home, or in your community, and ask them to keep an eye out. MEET your local police officers, and get to know them. You have court documents alleging those assaults. The police can be on your side this time if your calm, and to the point, IME.
Then put the PDs away, and channel peace around the situation. Maybne write your mum a letter you don't send, but have it clear in your mind what your feelings are now, so you aren't confused if she shows up. Your wish to see her again might happen, as you say. What would you truly wish for that moment? You can't control her, or what she does, but you can do and say the things that are important to you, and that's all that really matters. What you can control.
THIS can be a triumphant experience of reclaiming your inner world, and limiting any future harm from your past.
I love the list of things to do before you die. We call it a bucket list here, and it's about focusing on what you want more of, and cultivating it, which is the mission, right?
I also love the memory book for son's 18th birthday. Just the idea of doing that makes me feel relaxed, and happy for you.
You're a hero, and we know that truth about you, ((Tupp.)) You're an Amazon of the first order.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 31, 2019, 11:59:03 AM ---Ahh, sorry about your sister's news, ((Tupp.))
I'd like to believe that it's just an empty poke at you, and maybe it is. In any case, you might want to jot down thoughts about this on a new pad of paper, process what you need to about this, review it, then burn it, or shred, whatever feels best.
Once you process it, you'll have more room to relax into the knowledge these people don't have power over you any longer, and you can take back the power they do have. The mindful practice, cultivating curiosity, and compassion for yourself and situation, refusing to live with the knee jerk fight or flight reaction you've always suffered..... maybe this event... or the threat of the event, can lead to huge growth, and realizing for you. And that knee jerk reaction is a terrible way to live. It was installed by the PDs, and it's necessary to uninstall it, and reprogram our responses.
These people are elderly, have little time to poison people, they don't KNOW who to seek out and tell lies to, they're elderly and can't sit outside your home for long waiting for you to come and go... they'll likely appear insane if they go to the college, and start spewing accusations that don't jibe in any way with who you are, and what you're doing for your son.
They're very sad, broken, elderly people, and they no longer have the power over you and your son they once had. The truth is they certainly did, and you've suffered terribly. That's your reality THEN, but it's not your reality now. Your brain doesn't know the difference. Time to internalize that reality, maybe.
You've broken away physically, and now you can break away emotionally.
As difficult as it is to have criminals come back and attempt to harm you again, which stirs up the original injustice, we have a choice to limit that emotional vomit, IME.
Take back your power. Even though the PDs have intention to harm and do trauma to you.... they no longer have the ability to do so. Internalize that, and claim that power for yourself. With curiosity. With compassion for yourself, then and now. No judgment. Just notice what comes up.
I hope you can reach out to your good friends, get some feedback. Hit on it, with notes, then put it down. I find my most pragmatic friends have very good insights, and I always benefit from short discussions about the PDs.
Perhaps visit the local police station, and give them a heads up regarding the possibility your pedophile sf will confront you at your home, or in your community, and ask them to keep an eye out. MEET your local police officers, and get to know them. You have court documents alleging those assaults. The police can be on your side this time if your calm, and to the point, IME.
Then put the PDs away, and channel peace around the situation. Maybne write your mum a letter you don't send, but have it clear in your mind what your feelings are now, so you aren't confused if she shows up. Your wish to see her again might happen, as you say. What would you truly wish for that moment? You can't control her, or what she does, but you can do and say the things that are important to you, and that's all that really matters. What you can control.
THIS can be a triumphant experience of reclaiming your inner world, and limiting any future harm from your past.
I love the list of things to do before you die. We call it a bucket list here, and it's about focusing on what you want more of, and cultivating it, which is the mission, right?
I also love the memory book for son's 18th birthday. Just the idea of doing that makes me feel relaxed, and happy for you.
You're a hero, and we know that truth about you, ((Tupp.)) You're an Amazon of the first order.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter, for everything you wrote, it really does blow me away that you guys will spend so much time writing stuff to help me level my head out again. It does help a lot, thank you.
I have heard it called a bucket list as well, some people here call it a f**k it list :) Which always makes me laugh. I have struggled over the weekend; I feel pissed off that my body still reacts so strongly to just the knowledge that someone has told her. I don't think it's even so much that she knows, it's that once again someone has told her. And I still don't know who it is. I think the time has come to cut ties with pretty much everyone from my past. I didn't want to have to - some are good people who I like and get on well with and who've been good to me over the years. And I feel it's wrong, so wrong, that it's me that has to keep away from people, me that moves house, me that keeps my info off social media and so on. So that bothers me as well. But I think it will have to be done this time as it's clear that there's someone there that I can't trust just to not speak or say "I don't know" if they're asked. It might even be one of my sister's kids and that makes me uneasy, another generation of children being brought up in this fucked up family and feeling that they have to keep secrets or appease her and keep her happy. But I did kind of shut down over the weekend, I found it very hard to get anything done or think about anything, I feel like I just do onto auto pilot and there's no connection between thinking and feeling any more.
Anyway - I had scheduled my days off over the weekend as is my new habit so it was alright, I didn't have to do anything anyway. I have cancelled a meeting I had tomorrow as it just feels too much but that's okay, it was a favour for someone and they can go ahead without me anyway so it's not causing a problem. My anxiety about college has gone through the roof and I had been keeping a lid on that fairly well. I just feel like someone throws a grenade at me and then my energy has to go into coping with dealing with it. I so wish I could get to a point where I just don't have a reaction to any of it - it just flows past me and my body doesn't even notice.
In other news I cleared some overgrown bushes from the front so I have a really good view of the tree with the bird feeders in it so I'm watching dozens of birds enjoying their breakfast as I type this up. There is a little girl on our street who I don't think has a very good home life. She comes to visit every day and sat in here yesterday drawing pictures. It was sweet to watch her. I had a friend's parents who gave me a refuge when I was a kid and I'm still so grateful to them for that. It made me happy to think she might look back one day and have nice memories of drawing pictures and talking to the cat.
I hope you're alright after the storm situation and that there isn't too much damage at the island house. Thank you again, I appreciate it so much xx xx
Hopalong:
Tupp, I'm so very sorry.
I can completely imagine how that bit of news triggered anxiety and nightmares.
But I have to say Lighter's post even calmed ME down. It was extraordinary and I can just admiringly echo, "what she said." All of it.
I think basically the truth is that an N does wither with age and loses their power. If you want to test it you can agree to have a cup of tea with her. But you sure don't need to have her enter your home. That's the limit I immediately thought of: IF YOU WANT TO, agree to meet her at a cafe of your choosing. But never invite her home. If she asks, here's an answer: "No." She doesn't get control.
As to who betrayed your wish to not have her get the info about where you live...no point. People are gossips at heart and if, as you guess, some young relative has slid into that toxic pattern under your family's tutelage, there is absolutely nothing you could do about that.
I hope you'll soon find a T, a new and present friend to talk to. This is really tough for you and I am so glad you pour it out here.
I have such enormous faith in you, Tupp. Your mother doesn't own the moon or the air or the life in your body or anything else. Her magical powers were removed and she's just a crazy old manipulative lady and it's sad, and even though you have some compassion, you have learned that your FIRST empathy belongs to yourself and your son. That is core life and health preservation. They're simply not going to be given away, no matter what nonsense she imagines.
Big big hugs,
Hops
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