Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 02, 2019, 02:28:13 PM ---Tupp, I'm so very sorry.
I can completely imagine how that bit of news triggered anxiety and nightmares.
But I have to say Lighter's post even calmed ME down. It was extraordinary and I can just admiringly echo, "what she said." All of it.
I think basically the truth is that an N does wither with age and loses their power. If you want to test it you can agree to have a cup of tea with her. But you sure don't need to have her enter your home. That's the limit I immediately thought of: IF YOU WANT TO, agree to meet her at a cafe of your choosing. But never invite her home. If she asks, here's an answer: "No." She doesn't get control.
As to who betrayed your wish to not have her get the info about where you live...no point. People are gossips at heart and if, as you guess, some young relative has slid into that toxic pattern under your family's tutelage, there is absolutely nothing you could do about that.
I hope you'll soon find a T, a new and present friend to talk to. This is really tough for you and I am so glad you pour it out here.
I have such enormous faith in you, Tupp. Your mother doesn't own the moon or the air or the life in your body or anything else. Her magical powers were removed and she's just a crazy old manipulative lady and it's sad, and even though you have some compassion, you have learned that your FIRST empathy belongs to yourself and your son. That is core life and health preservation. They're simply not going to be given away, no matter what nonsense she imagines.
Big big hugs,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops, yes, you're right, Lighter is Mrs Calm :) I think the issue for me isn't what my mum may or may not do or say or anything else, it's more that my body still has such huge physical responses to her. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, despite working so hard to do yoga each day, stay calm, eat well, keep away from toxic people and so on. And it's not me that's reached out to her, or anyone else - I keep myself to myself and my contact with people who know her is basically limited to birthday and christmas cards now. I feel like I've had a four day hangover even though I haven't had a drink :)
It has made me realise that I need to cut ties with my past, completely. I'm just so done with it all, largely because so many people I know from way back just haven't changed in so many years. If I met them now I wouldn't go near them; quite frankly, our paths wouldn't even cross these days. I've always felt bad about leaving people behind, because it's hurt me so much when other people have done it to me. But, just as an alternative example, I posted something on Facebook about some problems we've had getting hold of my son's meds lately. Some of my Facebook 'friends' are other parents with poorly kids or work with people with disabilities so I was asking if anyone had any more information about the current situation. Some friends responded with calm, factually based answers about various things they'd read and heard - useful information. Others - people from the past - responded with rants about the EU causing shortages and all the bloody immigrants using all our services and I just thought, do you know what, none of these people know how offensive I find this, because none of them have ever stopped banging on about themselves for long enough to ask what I think (and for some reason they all seem to be unaware that my Dad was an immigrant, as is my son's Dad, as is one of my best friends). And I just thought, how do these people know so little about me? It's an aside, but it just focused for me that no-one from my past is part of my life now and I just need to toughen up a bit and cut them out. Really, really time to move on now. I guess I moved in distance but not emotionally - I need to do that bit now as well xx
Meh:
Well I think it's good to keep on writing it all out. I think in the process of writing about emotional distance maybe you can get emotional distance.
For me personally I feel in the past month I've had more distance from my mother. After writing it out I then put it out of my mind for a while.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on September 03, 2019, 01:36:48 AM ---Well I think it's good to keep on writing it all out. I think in the process of writing about emotional distance maybe you can get emotional distance.
For me personally I feel in the past month I've had more distance from my mother. After writing it out I then put it out of my mind for a while.
--- End quote ---
Yes, definitely, G, writing about it helps, and I find the feedback on here so helpful. So many people with similar experiences that can share what helped, what didn't, who know you can fall off your horse again and again and don't judge you for it. Amazing place to be :)
I've thought about the situation more as well, because my body's very strong reaction puzzles me. Logically, the most she can do is a false allegation, which she won't get very far with, some untrue gossip to her cronies - don't care, I don't have anything to do with any of them, or leave some crap on the doorstep/post something through the door. I know that and understand that, so this enormously strong reaction I get puzzles me. I am wondering if it's more to do with what I see as her rejection of me again - I feel that underlies everything she's done. She didn't like me as I was, and that's why she made my life difficult. Most people, after thirteen years of estrangement, would have let water pass under the bridge by now. There's still no interest from her in how we're doing, whether life is treating us well, whether I'd be interested in trying to have some sort of relationship. She's still in this weird place of "Tupp keeps trying to get away - I'll make sure she knows she can't". Which is just fucked up, and I wonder if the fact that she's still rejecting me so completely is what gives me such a strong reaction. Not sure but will look in to it more.
Hopalong:
That's a good insight, Tupp.
That it's not fear of her power to mess up your life any more as much as it is hurt over her longterm rejection.
Well, if you do see her, you could revert to just saying the truth, even if you sit in public streaming tears and she acts cold as an icicle about it. The truth would still be the truth. For that matter, you could pick some place like a public garden or beachside bench -- for YOUR comfort and ease (if that's what would feel better).
I think Facebook is utterly toxic and have never done it. But my advice for the people who react like idiots is to instantly Hide them (or whatever it's called) so you never see other posts by those individuals again. Should one send you a DM (if that's what it's called) you can say, Oh yes, I had to Mute you since I found your political comments upsetting. But in the meantime, blissful peace....
You can filter anybody you need to, hon. You're in the driver's seat and you have every right to fill your world with people who are kind.
love and comfort,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 03, 2019, 11:34:29 AM ---That's a good insight, Tupp.
That it's not fear of her power to mess up your life any more as much as it is hurt over her longterm rejection.
Well, if you do see her, you could revert to just saying the truth, even if you sit in public streaming tears and she acts cold as an icicle about it. The truth would still be the truth. For that matter, you could pick some place like a public garden or beachside bench -- for YOUR comfort and ease (if that's what would feel better).
I think Facebook is utterly toxic and have never done it. But my advice for the people who react like idiots is to instantly Hide them (or whatever it's called) so you never see other posts by those individuals again. Should one send you a DM (if that's what it's called) you can say, Oh yes, I had to Mute you since I found your political comments upsetting. But in the meantime, blissful peace....
You can filter anybody you need to, hon. You're in the driver's seat and you have every right to fill your world with people who are kind.
love and comfort,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops :) I won't be seeing my mum (at least not willingly!). I don't want people who make me feel like this in my life. I'm in a new place with new opportunities, new people, new places to explore, and that's where I need to look, not backwards or over my shoulder the whole time. I had to cancel a meeting I was supposed to go to today with the lady who runs the support group - she's very proactive and has been setting up meetings with all sorts of local service providers to work on improving services and so on. I just felt it was too much for me today, told her honestly what was going on and she was just so lovely, can she do anything, anytime I want tea and a chat just shout, do I need her to have son for a while, if my step-dad turns up do I want her to send her husband over - she was just lovely. And another friend, who is in this area (also a newer one) immediately offered us a caravan on her farm, either for a holiday or to live if we need to get away from here. "Come and stay, we'll look after you", she said. Those are the sort of people I need to be focusing on, not my blooming mum or my gossipy friends and relatives or the ones who don't bother to call when they know I'm struggling. I'm still focusing too much of my time in the wrong direction so I must keep working to redirect myself. Only today, we've been out to run some errands. Two shops for supplies for son - lovely friendly people working in them, nice brief chats with both. Funny moment when I stopped to let someone on a mobility scooter cross the road - turned out there were loads of them and they all kept appearing from behind a hedge, it just looked funny, as if the hedge were spewing them out :) Took son for a haircut, lovely barber, really friendly with a constant stream of daft jokes that son loves. Health food shop, lovely lady and it always smells so lovely in there. Charity shop, two friendly assistants and I picked up a beautiful patterned valance sheet to cover the boring beige base of my bed, £5! (about six dollars, I think). And had an enormously helpful man at the doctors surgery this morning sort out a problem with son's meds for me, so efficient and helpful and has passed all the info on to the GP so that next time we go in it's already written up and I don't need to do anything. So there are all these good people (I've got you guys as well!) and I must focus on that and not the blooming numpties of the past.
And yes, Facebook is a place where I should have practised much stronger bounders, I've set up a new account and just moved across the half a dozen people I know who I like to chat and catch up with and who have similar views to mine. I should have done that a long time ago. So it's kind of settling again, I just find it difficult because it all throws me off my stride so quickly and sometimes I struggle to find a path to walk down again :) But getting there now, going to do a bit of yoga before dinner and then might head to the bath to read :) xx
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