Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Hopalong:
HELL YES, TUPP IS IMPORTANT!
RIGHT HERE, AND THOUGH WE'RE IN THE ETHER, WE DO VALUE YOU TUPP!
FOR REAL IN REALITY!!
Y'all have had an amazing back and forth and I resonated with what you each said and won't try to chime in, not admitting that I had 2.5+ glasses of wine...
More soon, just checking in ....
with lots of love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, both, you are all very important to me as well and I'm not meaning to sound ungrateful (because I am truly grateful for a lot of things in my life) but it's the lack of real time day to day people that I am really struggling with at the minute - no-one there to chat to in the evening or while dinner is cooking, or even to sit and eat a meal with. No day to day contact with people I know well, and trust, and enjoy being around. No physical contact, no cuddling up, no affection, no getting a foot rub whilst watching a film. It's those things, that lack of close relationships, that I thought would change once I cut myself off from the unhealthy relationships. But instead of that void being filled with healthy relationships it's remained a void for nearly twenty years now and I just don't know what else to do to try to fill it. There's only so much joy from reading a book! Lol xx
Twoapenny:
I had a realisation today which I think is an important one (that's assuming I've got the right angle on it!). I bumped into a friend who is one of the friends I've been feeling down about as I don't see or hear from her very much. The way I interpret people not getting in touch is that they're not interested enough in me to want to make any effort to see or be around me too much. But - as we were chatting, and she was telling me what she's been doing recently and who she's been doing it with, I realised she doesn't have any boundaries. Everything she told me was a situation that she didn't particularly want to be in, but so and so had phoned, and so and so else had turned up uninvited, and x, y and z had asked her to do this, and so on and so forth, and as she was telling me I realised that she hadn't actually been doing anything she wanted to, she just can't say no to anyone else so she spends almost all of her time running round after other people - just like I used to.
And as I thought about that through the afternoon, I realised that almost everyone I know is like that as well - so many of the people I know don't make time for me because they don't actually make time for themselves or for doing what they want to do - they're running round after others, who they then moan about because they're not doing what they want to. And I always took that to mean that I come even further down the list than all these people that they complain about - but I don't think it is that. I think they're just not able to say no, or prioritise their own time, or just say to someone, "I'm having a quiet one today so no, you can't come round". And I used to be exactly the same.
Does that make sense? It felt like a big weight lifted off my shoulders. It just suddenly seemed clear that it isn't that people aren't bothering, it's more that they're like I used to be - they tend to respond rather than being proactive about what they want to do and who they want to be with. It's exactly what I used to be like - always waiting and being available and never putting my own needs first. It just made me think about things in a different (better!) way. And I feel less hostile and down about it - which I hope will last :) xx
lighter:
That makes complete sense, Tupp! I spend time wondering why I have a hard time saying NO, then work on stronger boundaries. It tends to go in and out of shape, IME.
I'm glad you're feeling better about your social situation. You're lovely, and assuming you're the problem wasn't productive. People get slammed, and swamped if they can't discern what they want need from what others want/need, IME. Thanks for the reminder.
How was your weekend?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 28, 2019, 07:21:23 PM ---That makes complete sense, Tupp! I spend time wondering why I have a hard time saying NO, then work on stronger boundaries. It tends to go in and out of shape, IME.
I'm glad you're feeling better about your social situation. You're lovely, and assuming you're the problem wasn't productive. People get slammed, and swamped if they can't discern what they want need from what others want/need, IME. Thanks for the reminder.
How was your weekend?
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter :) Weekend was quiet, which is what I wanted :) I am pretty good at saying no now, but that's also what's played a big part in my loneliness, I think. I don't tend to accept last minute invitations any more, because it means I can't do what I planned to do. I also tend to keep my distance from other people's drama now, which means my drama swamped friends tend to go elsewhere for their drama analysis. I used to enjoy playing amateur psychologist, but I tend to just find it a bit tedious now. And chatting to that friend was a revelation; it made me see that I've grown and changed and because most of my friends haven't, I have sort of left some of them behind. The sort of friendship we had doesn't really interest me anymore - so it's probably actually more that I'm rejecting them, instead of them rejecting the newer, more boundary focused me! And that does make sense, because I know I've lost friends when I've set boundaries (and my older sister is a good example of that - since asking her not to keep coming round with her divorce drama whenever she felt like it I've more or less not seen her since. Which I took to be that she didn't care about me, but now I think about it I think it's more that her own lack of boundaries means she doesn't hear a boundary being set, she just hears "don't come near me". Which isn't what it was).
But I think that's the thing, growing and changing, working out our own crap, whilst dealing with our kids, work, court battles and whatever else we're doing, often means we haven't got the time to hand hold other people, or stay with them while they continue to do what they always did - particularly once we see that we aren't doing it any more. It's a bit like giving up drinking or smoking, I think - you kind of need to stay away from people who do those things while you work on not doing it anymore. It made me realise I often feel like I'm in teacher mode with people - if they've not yet learnt to say no or put themselves first (and are complaining about that) I find it tiring - particularly when they're not at that point where they're ready (or want) to do that themselves. It's a hard path but it made me feel better because I'm suddenly seeing that it's not that I'm bad or inherently unlikeable - I've just moved along the path quicker than some of my friends have and it's meant I've rushed off on my own a bit xx
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