Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
sKePTiKal:
Ha! I knew you'd sort this out Tupp. ;)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on May 29, 2019, 10:10:11 AM ---Ha! I knew you'd sort this out Tupp. ;)
--- End quote ---
Ha ha, it takes me a while but I get there in the end! It's funny, it's making me see things really differently. I went to the group again this morning (parents of special needs kids) and again, everyone's very nice but I'm noticing different personalities and I sat there this morning thinking to myself - I don't have to get on with everyone, or be their friend, or assume they want to be my friend because they sit next to me and talk to me. A couple of the mums don't drive and they were talking about it being hard to get around and I opened my mouth to say "I can give you lifts, call me!". And then I closed my mouth before I could speak because this is what I do; I offer to help people and put myself under more pressure or end up spending time with people that I don't really want to and I get myself into a fix. So I am happy to help other people out but I'm going to work on being selective about what I offer to do and who I offer to do it for, and practise being clear about what I can and can't do.
I also realised it is okay for me to 'use' people. I don't really know the best way to say that but I've always felt like I should be very authentic with people and not take from them unless I can give back. But the two mums that have set the group up have done it expressly to help other parents so it is actually alright for me to just sit there and enjoy my cup of tea if I want to - I don't have to be the group agony aunt or tea lady, because others are willing to do it. I don't have to leap in and help everybody and that felt nice to just be okay with that and not give myself a hard time. I don't have to take responsibility for the way everybody else feels and I think that's the first time that's really felt alright with me? Blimey! This might all actually get a bit easier! Lol x
Hopalong:
Oh wow, Tupp.
You really are operating out of new insight.
I'm soooooo impressed. BRAVO! It all makes so much SENSE.
Forgive me for not writing more...thinking of you and cheering!
xo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
That sounds like a really solid first step Tupp. You can probably safely commisserate over some of the difficulties without volunteering to shoulder the solution, too. That might get you a step closer to the kind of connection you're looking for. Doesn't cost you a thing to validate someone's experience or feelings. (And doesn't mean you'll always be able to do so...)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on May 29, 2019, 06:38:05 PM ---That sounds like a really solid first step Tupp. You can probably safely commisserate over some of the difficulties without volunteering to shoulder the solution, too. That might get you a step closer to the kind of connection you're looking for. Doesn't cost you a thing to validate someone's experience or feelings. (And doesn't mean you'll always be able to do so...)
--- End quote ---
Yes, exactly that, Skep. I think one of the reasons I've disliked groups in the past (and stopped going to or avoided them) is that I felt obliged to be everyone's mate, join in with everything, help out and all the rest of it. I'd get home feeling exhausted and like I'd been used but, of course, I was allowing myself to do all of this (volunteering for it, usually), so it makes sense now. What I've realised is great about these groups is that I can use them as an opportunity to get to know people, work out who I'd like to get to know better and who I don't, not get to know anyone better if I feel like it and offer to help when and if I'm able to, without having to commit to the entire thing, every single time. I just feel so much better about it all; for years I've felt there's something wrong with me and that I keep attracting the wrong sort or reading the signals wrong and it's made me fearful of getting involved with new people. This just feels like it makes more sense and that makes me feel a whole lot better :)
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