Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 24, 2019, 10:01:12 AM ---Wow, ((((Tupp))).
In addition to big stress, it also keeps striking me that you have big vision.
That you still dream, have deep imagination, and remarkable resilience (as I sit here comfortably with an iota of the load you carry) is incredibly inspiring to me. Thank you. You'll never know how valuable your story here is to others, but I just want to say it.
I SO wish that beautiful cottage could be yours tomorrow. And more.
When I talked about a T I was thinking of the compassionate one you trusted in your previous city. It seems WRONG to me that a person living with all that you carry isn't helped by access (and financially supported access) to a therapist. But if wishes were horses, we'd all be riding.
I am awed by your determination, your courage, and the fact that when you fall or sink, you get up or swim. There's enormous depth to you. You have character where it counts, in spades.
Be proud of yourself today. Truly proud.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Hops. I get very down when I don't have a dream. The thought of my life carrying on like this until I die makes me very depressed. I need to have something in mind to work towards, even if just in imagination most of the time! I struggle without a bigger picture to focus on. And yes, that T from many moons ago was lovely but she is two hundred miles away now and I've not found anyone since who was like her. I think I'm quite likely to punch the next person who tells me to practise mindfulness which probably won't go down well :) Lol.
Anyway, I wanted to share with you a public sector experience that kind of epitomises my struggle with them, in one way or another.
When my son was 11, I decided to have him re-assessed, with a view to him attending a special needs school. You can't get in to one without an assessment so I started contacting private doctors with a view to getting this done. One of the doctors I contacted used to work at a large Children's Hospital here and advised me to contact them to get the assessment done on the NHS. I did and they agreed to see him, but I had to get a referral from a local paediatrician. It took me over a year of fighting local doctors to get a referral in place, and then the waiting list was another year so he was thirteen by the time they assessed him. They sent me a lot of forms to fill in beforehand, all about his developmental history, birth and so on, and I also sent a copy of every assessment he'd had done to that point, both private and NHS (it was a lot of paperwork).
I also explained that I was a qualified teacher and had given up my career to teach my son at home and sent in quite a detailed explanation of all the child abuse allegations my mum had made over the years, along with a copy of the letter I eventually received from social services in which they admitted all of the information they had used against me was inaccurate and that my version of events was the one that should be taken as being factually accurate. I included information from well respected domestic abuse organisations here about various types of emotional abuse and how my mum's actions fitted these forms (this is from a domestic abuse group that works with the police and court system and the definitions are part of UK law).
I stated, several times, that I was more than happy to provide more information should they need it, that I had written evidence at home running into hundreds of pages that I was happy to bring with me if need be and that they could verify anything they needed to with the relevant department managers.
To me, I did everything I could to be open, honest, transparent and assist them in their assessment. We were there for a total of nine hours over three assessments and I was asked no further questions about any of the child abuse stuff or the situation with my mum. We left with a sixty page report and the consultant repeatedly told me she 'took her hat off to me' ( I don't know if you have the same phrase in the states but here it means someone thinks you're doing a good job).
Fast forward two years and I had some paperwork sent through once we'd started the education application that I'm still battling on with, as son had to be assessed by social services. Unbeknown to me, the same doctor had made a referral to social services. I just had a bullet point note in the file so it just read that we'd moved from Place A to Place B (they were both places we'd never even visited, let alone lived in), that my son had never had a proper assessment done (literally hundreds of pages of assessment information on him) and that he'd previously been on the at risk register (absolutely untrue).
Although this was about two years ago I've only just had a chance to start looking into it. I requested his records from that hospital - the file is just under a thousand pages - and it isn't indexed so I've had to scroll through the entire thing on my computer. I eventually found the letter the doctor wrote. She has basically taken the things I wrote in my own explanation that sound damning and missed out all the information that explained and contextualised them. She's claimed we lived in places we never lived (and that's really weird because our address is all over the paperwork and you have to refer to social workers in that area so she'd have had to have sent it to a county different to the one she claimed we lived in). She's described my relationship with my mother as 'complex' - despite all of the information I provided that showed it's an abusive relationship, not a complex one. She's mentioned my mental health difficulties, which I was very open about, but she's chosen to miss out the explanations I gave for conflicting diagnoses, childhood abuse and trauma and the fact that, by that time I'd had no problems at all for nearly a decade.
She claimed that my son was on the Child Protection Register - again ignoring all the information I'd provided to the contrary and essentially has just demonstrated a horrible level of prejudice and a refusal to engage with fact. I'm perplexed, endlessly, that time and time again I provide honest, factual information that can all be verified and it's ignored and/or manipulated to meet someone else's agenda. Is that gaslighting? They all do it.
For the record, no action was taken (which is why I knew nothing about it). Social services did check, discretely, and found that nothing she stated was true so no action was taken. I had originally planned to complain but I know all that will happen is a long process which eventually will end in someone telling me I'm right and no action being taken.
It makes me sick, sad and angry that these people are just so blinded by their own views. At no time has anyone recognised that my son has been abused by his grandmother, not by me. How do people not see it? Why did they never investigate the sexual abuse I went through? Why is it overlooked by every single person? Time and time again my attempts to get help for my son failed, and time and time again I was blamed for it. The madness of it frustrates me but I hold on to the glimmer of hope that in six months time we will be out of the clutches of these stupid people. It can't come soon enough for me. Sorry to moan but our records are full of things like this, there have been so many people try so hard to find something to pin on me, if only they'd worked as hard to help my son.
Hopalong:
Ye GODS, Tupp.
Complex, my ass.
This account really did help me understand. I think the volume of pages you provided probably flipped some switch in various bureaucratic heads so they skipped way forward to a familiar, but incomplete, way of "summarizing" you. And son. And family. Damn. I'm sorry.
Question... is it too late to press charges against your stepfather? And...can you request from the courts a legal order of protection from your mother? I think since you have custody now, it's a fairly simple matter.
But I don't know. Might be a comfort to you, now that you're hearing about her hints that she wants to "visit." It sounds to me (with limited knowledge of restraining orders in the U.K.) that it would be a perfect reason for the court to understand why you're asking for it now. If you say you and Son are settled, he's in college, you've worked hard at establishing a stable routine for him, and all those extra activities, etc., and that from your own experience a visit from his grandmother would be massively destabilizing for him (as well as yourself), it's just a rubber stamp?
Hope I'm right but I'm probably not. Just a wish for you.
love and comfort,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 24, 2019, 02:28:46 PM ---Ye GODS, Tupp.
Complex, my ass.
This account really did help me understand. I think the volume of pages you provided probably flipped some switch in various bureaucratic heads so they skipped way forward to a familiar, but incomplete, way of "summarizing" you. And son. And family. Damn. I'm sorry.
Question... is it too late to press charges against your stepfather? And...can you request from the courts a legal order of protection from your mother? I think since you have custody now, it's a fairly simple matter.
But I don't know. Might be a comfort to you, now that you're hearing about her hints that she wants to "visit." It sounds to me (with limited knowledge of restraining orders in the U.K.) that it would be a perfect reason for the court to understand why you're asking for it now. If you say you and Son are settled, he's in college, you've worked hard at establishing a stable routine for him, and all those extra activities, etc., and that from your own experience a visit from his grandmother would be massively destabilizing for him (as well as yourself), it's just a rubber stamp?
Hope I'm right but I'm probably not. Just a wish for you.
love and comfort,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops. I didn't mean to ramble on so much, it was just such a clear example. Time and time again I've given factual, truthful information about my son, my family situation, my mental health and so on - and I'm always doubted and it's always assumed I'm not being honest, despite the mountain of paperwork to back everything up. My mum lies through her teeth, complete fabrication, not a shred of evidence - and she's believed without question? What does that say about our safeguarding systems? Stupid people. Anyway - I've been out for fish and chips and I'm going to bed with my book and to try out my new mattress! I got a new one a while ago and it was very hard so they've swapped it for me. This one feels softer so I'm hoping it will be more comfortable :)
I'm not willing to put myself through the horror of dealing with the police, social services and my family again to try to bring charges against my step-dad. They treated me like an animal last time and I'm not willing to put myself through it twice. My statement remains on file so if anyone else reports him they've got a corroborating statement but other than that I'm not going near them. You can't get a restraining order via Legal Aid in the UK unless there's violence involved and to pay for it costs upwards of ten thousand pounds (probably more now, that was the quote I got about twelve years ago when I was trying to stop her). Plus other than send him some photographs and a cheque she hasn't done anything for a long time now so there wouldn't be anything to take to court. My biggest bug bear is with the public sector - they've got procedures to follow and if they'd followed them she'd never have been able to do what she did. But because they all jump on this 'mother's mentally ill, child's not in school' bandwagon they just create more problems and let the actual abusers get away with it. Stupid, stupid people. But never mind. Bedtime soon :) Lol xx
Hopalong:
Sorry, Tupp.
I keep stupidly suggestion new interactions with new institutional resources when it's very clear that you've been front and center, have battled those systems all you can bear, and have worked out the sanest and realest position for continuing your own sane life.
YOU know best, and I apologize for dragging forth another exhausting explanation!
I so have much confidence in you. And I'm really happy you've got a new mattress!
Waving magic wand from across the pond...
with big hugs,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 24, 2019, 10:08:15 PM ---Sorry, Tupp.
I keep stupidly suggestion new interactions with new institutional resources when it's very clear that you've been front and center, have battled those systems all you can bear, and have worked out the sanest and realest position for continuing your own sane life.
YOU know best, and I apologize for dragging forth another exhausting explanation!
I so have much confidence in you. And I'm really happy you've got a new mattress!
Waving magic wand from across the pond...
with big hugs,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Nothing to apologise for, Hops, I massively appreciate the time and trouble you all go to as I go through my endless ramblings! And that you care enough to make suggestions; it means a huge amount to me. And your version of what should happen is what should happen - it's very wrong that it doesn't. But onwards and upwards and all that.
My new mattress is lush! My goodness it is comfy, my back is nowhere near as sore this morning :) I'm using my sun lamp now (the one that replaces the daylight, not the one that gives you a tan) and I am feeling perkier so I think that's helping as well.
Things are definitely calmer. Having another plan in mind helps me and I'm enjoying working on an education plan for son. I really like writing schemes of work - I think I should look into whether I can create them for other people and see if that is a way of making a bit of cash? Worth checking, I do enjoy it. I'm going to write up a health update today as well; a lot's gone on over the last couple of years. It is also worth my while checking in with the solicitor again about the medical negligence case - we've tried twice before (as I believe son suffered a brain injury during the birth) and didn't have enough proof either time. But I've more evidence of his disabilities now so it would be worth contacting the sol to see if it's worth trying again.
Things feel more orderly. Son does enjoy college but has told me that he prefers being at home. So I think we can naturally finish at the end of this academic year without any drama, ease in to our own at home programme again and just put all of this behind us :) I had such high hopes! Lol, I really thought this was going to make our lives so much easier.
I'm doing yoga everyday; that's helping and has made a difference to my back and jaw pain. The weather isn't great but I'm enjoying the change in seasons. I think everything is going to be okay :) xx
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