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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I think maybe what I do is project it outwards, and do for other people what I wish someone would do for me?  So what I need to do is start focusing all that attention that I project forward into myself instead.  Does that make sense?
--- End quote ---

YES, Tupp. All those people you encounter now, are kinda like a human buffet. Maybe you just don't feel like, want to, have peas right now. Maybe you'd rather have carrots! Yummy, candied carrots... and if you FORCE yourself to eat peas instead... then the resistance (Viking-level, extra strength) of the inner Tupp, comes up as what you observed later on - that you punish yourself. (I have a theory about how that abuse gets internalized, but I'll save it for now. It tends to differ a lot between individuals.)

Re: people on facebook have "perfect lives"...

This is the epitome of media that allows people to polish the turds in themselves and their lives to present to other people - selling a scam; a lie - about themselves. It happens face to face, too - but in that case, you can observe both YOUR inner intuition about whether it's true or not and how you feel about it... and what your intuition observes about the other person that might be hiding themselves behind a picture of "perfect". There, exist the clues for deeper connection, should you choose to pursue it. (I will venture to say, that you should be VERY sure that you want to, before acting on it. For your sake and to protect yourself. There are some sophistocated artists in this deception out there.)

lighter:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on June 03, 2019, 02:36:57 AM ---Lol, well if you can control the weather figuring out ADD should be a breeze ;)  The thing I've found helpful with son's diagnoses is that it gives you a starting point when doing your own research.  It's just a good base to start from when looking into ways of helping yourself and making life work a bit more smoothly.

Speaking of which - I had an awful day yesterday, really down and lonely, felt suicidal again which surprised me because we'd had such a nice day the day before and have generally been having a better time of it.  My little brain has been working overtime and I had another lightbulb moment, and I'm starting to wonder if these bouts of me feeling suicidal are some sort of signal that some deep shift is going on, because once the lightbulb moment arrives the suicidal feelings go.  Almost like it's the death of some previous thought pattern moving out to be replaced by a new one or something.  Weird. I think giving up hope, or finding no way to continue an old pattern DOES feel like a death.  It IS a death, IME.  Maybe, bc you're so strong, giving up on something has to get to that very extreme point for you to release it, or be able to let it go/change.
 You're a very loyal person, Tupp.  I'm betting that giving up or giving in, on anything in any way, is tied into many aspects of your life, and hard to tease apart.  IME the more time I spend thinking about the painful stuff, the less suffering, in general.  I think that's counter intuitive, but it seems to be true.  No way around the pain.... have to go through it to get out of it, kwim?  Same stuff we've been talking about, but actually DOING it is another matter, IME. Anyway - I was thinking about habits and how we tend to go to old, often unhealthy patterns when tired, stressed, unwell and so on.  It's something I do a lot, and something that bothers me a lot.  Lack of sleep and rest is a big problem for me; four to six hours a night is average which just isn't enough.  And I think tiredness in me is quite subtle; it manifests in my thought processes and overall mood rather than yawning and wanting to sleep.

I decided to try to work on one health problem at a time, with rest and sleep being the first one.  I wanted to try to stay in bed for eight hours, even if I wasn't sleeping (I try this a lot and never manage more than a day or two; the stress of all the things not getting done gets the better of me and I get up).  But decided to try again and whilst sitting in bed, drinking tea and listening to music, started thinking about supportive aspects of my life - supportive people, supportive places, supportive activities.  I started making a list, and it's quite long.  I have a good number of supportive people in my life (and by supportive I really just mean people who don't drain me and wear me out, it doesn't even need to be that they do anything for me, just that they don't take too much).  Sometimes I wonder if I expect too little from everyone around me.  I try to shield everyone, and carry my load without asking for help.  I've caught myself, twice, saying to oldest dd... "You don't have to help, but please stop sabotaging me."  I don't feel good about that.
 The statement makes me question everything, and I am. We have a good number of lovely places to visit near us, all easy to get to, by bus if need be.  And there are many activities I can do and like doing that I can do at home without spending any money.  And I was looking at this list and wondering why, when I do have all these supportive aspects, I so often feel so unsupported and alone.  And what I realised - here is the drum roll - is that I tend to constantly go back to the things that don't support me. Yup. When I'm down I contact people who treat me like shit, or I scroll through Facebook looking at everyone else's wonderful life whilst ruminating on my own.  Instead of getting out somewhere lovely nearby, that doesn't cost a lot, I stay indoors punishing myself for not being good enough to be heading off on an exotic holiday or attending some lovely concert or something.  Instead of making myself a healthy fruit plate and settling down with a good film or book, I watch crap on telly and stuff my face.  And I realised I'm in an abusive relationship with myself.  I've cut ties with abusive people and obvious abusive habits - but I've just replaced it with self abuse and an endless round of putting myself down and berating myself for not getting it right.  I stopped other people doing it and just started doing it myself instead.  I hadn't even realised I was doing it to any great extent but there I am, getting in my own way, stopping myself from getting on with what I want to do and the people I want to do it with.  Why oh why do we do this to ourselves??!!  It's so maddening when you see something and realise how obvious it is - although you couldn't see it before. Amazing insight, Tupp!

Anyway - with this new revelation in mind, I have got my list of supportive people, places and activities and I am going to try really hard to refer back to it throughout the day to try to get my mind retrained to automatically reach for things and people that help and nurture, rather than heading back to the things that don't time and time again.  Amazing that our brains can be so brilliant and so daft at the same time :) xx

--- End quote ---

The mind is a funny thing.  I think you're learning how to be consistently mindful, SEE what's going on, and not shut down..... but notice, and accept what comes up. Consistently.
 It's my hope THIS is where true change begins.   

About seeking out negative things, about getting a shot of adrenaline to get through the day.....that resonates with me too.   I don't know how I got to that point, and I certainly didn't notice, but at some point it became a part of me, and I couldn't get OUT of it.  I'd tried, many times, but always got dragged back down by ongoing crisis.  The times I could relax into a more normal way of being, were blown apart, and I was back behind the 8 ball, even farther than before, bc I'd let my guard down, and the pain of returning to battle was "shattering" as you put it.  Absolutely shattering, and I had to build myself back up, and get on. 

Now I'm built, and up, and have to find a way to dismantle the armor, the walls, the left forward fighting stance, and what my body DOES with the adrenaline that's part of my life now.

How to switch up the adrenals, calm them down, and find a new normal.

I have another yoga therapy session today, and maybe that's part of it.  Just being aware is part of it, IMO. 

Once we've identified the pieces of our inner world, and routine that no longer serves.... we work on changing it.

I look at it this way, Tupp... we've done much harder things.

We've come out the other end.  We may not be whole, but darnit, we're aware there are pieces missing, and pieces we can retire, and pieces we need to find, and add.  We've done so many amazing, heroic things... we can do this too.

I think your strength might actually slow down the process..... your rock bottom is a deep deep thing.... you're just that strong.  Breath.  Let the bottom rise up, take it out into the sun, turn it around, look at it, marvel at it's depth, and accept it, embrace it, make a habit of addressing it... let it know you're OK, and have new plans for keeping you safe now.

I think working through it with your T, as you can, would be helpful.  It's a powerful thing to speak out loud what you fear most, what's haunted you deeply, and chased you underground so far.  It's a powerful thing to face it with compassion, in observation mode if you can manage it, and let it howl as long as it needs to howl. 

It's been standing guard, mounting defenses, and beating back assaults for a very long time.  I don't think your brain knows there are other ways.... yet.  You can find them, and focus that terrific mind of yours.....  it'll be exhausting to make those changes, IME, but worth it, and darnit.....
it can't be harder than what you've already accomplished. 

Just different. 

Lighter
PS I go through battles in my head too.  Sometimes I can catch it, but yesterday I didn't.  Yesterday I carted rocks, and embraced the mental struggle.... did it give me energy?  I'm sure it did.  Do I depend on that kind of struggle... now...., do I still run on adrenaline dumps?  I'm sure I'm somewhat dependent, even if it's much better than it was,..... I can find more balance, and I will.  Thanks for the reminder.... we mentally solve problems we aren't dealing with, and there's comfort there..... but it's less useful than it was.  There are more useful/constructive ways, and we're going to find them, and learn to practice them.  What becomes habit, becomes pleasure. 

Hopalong:
Tupp, wow.
Wow is not a big enough word.

Your depth of insight into yourself, your clear, sane and courageous examination of your own patterns and thought streams, are of a quality that completely dazzles me. This is where you are rich. You truly are rich in insight, and that's something no amount of money could buy.

I can't even say it much better except to say that I read you sometimes with my jaw hanging open, because you are THAT insightful, THAT avoidant of denial or deflection, THAT committed to responsible self-knowledge, THAT wise to your own patterns, THAT courageous in countering them.

You are just all THAT, Tupp.

I admire you so much.

love,
Hops

Meh:
About sleep and issues in general that we try to work on. If you ever get to sleep in do you feel better? Now that I have time off work and get to sleep in I still don't feel quite right/rested. I assumed I needed more sleep and that isn't the whole picture because more sleep if anything is making me feel more out of sync?

I don't know maybe it's quality of sleep not quantity, Maybe it's cutting out coffee. Maybe it's more exercise needed.

IDK sometimes I feel off and I don't know why. I've decided that more sleep for me isn't really the real reason under it all.

Anywho just a random thought. We are different people!! Everybody has their own issues and solutions I guess.

Some people say it's WHEN we sleep that is important not how much sleep we get. Someone once told me the sleep between like 8-10 AM is the most important of our whole night's rest...

lighter:
I've read the brain gets rid of the sticky toxins ONLY when we sleep.  Our bodies heal when we're sleeping too.

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