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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

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Twoapenny:
Will reply properly soon; busy few days but am popping in just to connect :)  Just wanting to write down before I forget - I'm trying to focus on how things make me feel rather than what I ought to do, who, what, why, blah blah blah and it was interesting yesterday because I spent some time with a friend and met another friend of hers and came home feeling lovely and relaxed, happy, smiley and in a good place.  Met another friend today and came home tired and feeling a bit frustrated.  It's funny because nothing bad happened; we chatted, caught up on each other's news, had a coffee - but I just didn't come away feeling energised and calm.  Not going to analyse it or think about it too much, just going to make more effort to see more of the friend that made me feel smiliest :) xx

Twoapenny:
Just wondering what you guys think about this - I've noticed recently that when I speak or text with friends who I feel have let me down/not been supportive enough/don't understand my situation - I tend to want to speak very negatively about how I feel and what's going on (focus on the bad stuff).  When I talk to good, supportive friends, I tend to focus on positives and what I hope to do - I still talk about the negative bits but I tend to balance it with "so what I want to do about that is ..........." and then focus on the positive or useful bit.

It made me feel a bit icky as I think it's a passive aggressive type thing and I hadn't noticed it before (you've upset me by not offering to help, I will tell you how bad my life is instead of saying "you upset me because you didn't offer to help").  But it also got me thinking that I'm happy to let go of friends who aren't supportive and focus on the ones that are.  So what I'm wondering is ....................... do you think I should still tell people I felt let down by them - even though I don't really want them around any more so it won't change the situation?  Part of me thinks it's a good exercise in being direct and if the risk is I lose the friend then it won't matter as I'm not keen anymore anyway.  Another part of me thinks I'm just going to be saying something for the sake of it as I don't feel (or want) it to change the situation.  And another part of me thinks if saying it makes them change and start phoning a lot or offering to come round I'll be obliged to stay friends with them and I don't think I want to!  Lol.  I think something inside me feels a bit guilty for moving on as well, but I'm feeling more and more that I want to spend time with people who I can learn from or really engage with on a positive level, rather than just filling time trading chit chat about nothing in particular (which has its place but I feel like I can get that anywhere, I really want more than that in my life now).

What do you wise owls think? xx

sKePTiKal:
Dashing off the top of my head...

you are worried about feeling what you're really feeling... and how others see you, as a result. (I do it too.) Being gently more direct is more true to yourself, and actually frees the other person to exercise their own autonomy. Y'all aren't playing roles in a game anymore, ya see?

So, while not necessarily passive-aggro, it's sort of a smokescreen to hide yourself behind. Some general humor, while leading the conversation in a direction away from negativity - acknowleding the temptation to go there - but refusing to, might be a clearer way forward for you with people you're not willing to invest anymore time in.

There are so many ways we are conditioned to play these roles in our social lives. It's a whole topic on it's own. Past trauma, personality, needs, etiquette and social "currency" transactions... blech. Sorting out what we truly want from what we conditioned to expect too.

Hopalong:
I'd be tempted to re-write that "script" I fantasized, but the only real point of it was to use I-messages and to explain how you feel.

Example:  Instead of "you let me down" that would be "I feel very let down" or XXX, whatever the feeling is.

If you have decided a friendship's over regardless maybe a simpler "With my situation, I've got to know who I can rely on and it's not good for me to make most of the effort."

I don't know, I feel that's pretty lame advice to offer, Tupp. I'm sorry I don't have better insight.

As to not feeling relaxed and clear about the one friend, is that typical or an "off" time? That's the only way I could think about to evaluate it.

I wonder if keeping a separate little notebook that focuses on this issue only, because it's very important to your well being to build positive if not perfect connections and community. Your "PEOPLE" book. Maybe if you made little notes of how each arrangement/encounter felt, and then look back at them after a month, it'll jump out at you which connections are making sense and which aren't.

Fwiw, YOU make sense. You make SO much sense! I'd consider myself very lucky to have a wise 3-D friend like you, and we're all so very fortunate to be talking together here.

It blows me away, this place. Gratitude, gratitude.

Love
Hops

Hopalong:
Hmmm. Just re-read your post and had another thought. (It's related to my earlier comment about I-messages, which are a form of health.)


--- Quote ---(you've upset me by not offering to help, I will tell you how bad my life is instead of saying "you upset me because you didn't offer to help")
--- End quote ---

It just hit me that there's something here: In addition to the accusations ("You've upset me"--instead of "I feel upset") something else got me. It was another accusation ("You didn't offer to help.")

What hit me was that in addition to the accusations (which is not to accuse you of something terrible, but in confrontation, "YOU" messages always read as blaming, which instantly closes the ears of the other, because they feel accused and thus become defensive or closed off.) It makes it a fight instead of deepening the opportunity to connect by being open about the self.

The BIGGER thing that hit me was, Tupp did not ask for help.

Do you know that you can ask for help? Instead of waiting for someone to intuit and assume and mind-read and just offer? Yes, ideally someone would. But often people don't. Even good people.

There's risk in asking. The person can say No. The person can display indifference or make unconvincing excuses. But then, you know more about that friendship. You have more clarity on who you can rely on, who's worth your investment of caring and time. If someone says No, depending on the relationship, you might decide to try it twice. Ask for help again a week later. If it's No again, you know.

If you can endure the risk of asking rather than waiting for them to guess, and the risk of possibly hearing NO, you'd be completely real about who you are, what your life situation is, and what your actual needs are in friendship. You'd be speaking up. Saying, "I need some help with this and wanted to ask if you would XXXX (spend an hour with Son, bring me XXX from the store, whatever the favor is)."

I hope I haven't garbled this, but it hit me as an insight. (Hops gives self a badge.) It really is about I-messages. They're revolutionary.

Love,
Hops

PS--Another chestnut related to this, for me, is this one:
It's always okay to ask for what you want, as long as you release the outcome.

IOW, if we release the expectation that we control what happens next, and try to release that in peace, it's less scary to ask for what we want and need. Because if it's Yes it's Yes, and if it's No, we keep on moving to find another way to meet our needs. No time for recrimination or bitterness, it was just "No." No is a piece of information, not a judgement of us. It's just information. The answer from that direction was No...Oh.

One T I knew loved to explain the power of "Oh." It's so neutral. Somebody says something that normally would lance us with disappointment, and we train ourselves to think, "Oh." It's just...neutral. Information. We can take or not take any action we choose as a result, but it doesn't HAVE to be a bolt of pain.

That was a revelation to me, to try to feel that sort of peace inside. Nobody can do it all the time or in all situations, but I became a believer in the power of "Oh." (Maybe in Brit it's more like, "Right then.") ??

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