Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[Twoapenny]

I posted before I'd actually finished, not sure where my head was at there!  But was also going to write that I have huge amounts of anger coming up at that minute about so many different things and that's really tiring as well, although I'm guessing it's better to get it all out and let it go rather than hanging on to it endlessly.  I'm writing it all down (privately, because a lot of it's vile and probably not fair on some of the people it concerns so it's definitely one to burn at a later stage but I feel the need to get it out of my system).

[Hopalong]

((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))

I'm sorry. I didn't know that a U.K. patient is not allowed to request a new or different treatment they've learned about. My doctor here respects my capacity to research things and if what I ask for is reasonable and evidence based (and not contraindicated by some other condition), he will give it.

Damn. I had hoped doctors there have enough autonomy to offer something new. And that you could choose to visit a doctor who does offer it.

BIG hugs, Tupp.

love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))

I'm sorry. I didn't know that a U.K. patient is not allowed to request a new or different treatment they've learned about. My doctor here respects my capacity to research things and if what I ask for is reasonable and evidence based (and not contraindicated by some other condition), he will give it.

Damn. I had hoped doctors there have enough autonomy to offer something new. And that you could choose to visit a doctor who does offer it.

BIG hugs, Tupp.

love to you,
Hops

No need to apologise at all Hops, I appreciate you taking the time to look it all up and have saved it in case I can use it in the future.  But no, the NHS service is generally very poor and there is no choice involved - you can only use doctor's surgeries and hospitals within a certain radius of where you live and then most of the time you will be allocated a doctor.  Waiting lists are incredibly long - many people with mental health problems generally wait over a year to see a specialist and that will be a 'general' specialist, not one who specialises in their particular problem, unless they just happen to get lucky.  There isn't a choice in treatment; doctors have first line drugs (usually the cheapest) to prescribe first, then if that doesn't work you get the second one, then the third and so on.  With mental health you'll generally be told at some point it's your fault and you exaggerate/attention seek/need to take responsibility for yourself and then when people kill themselves there's an enquiry, everyone promises to learn lessons and nothing is done.  In my experience emergency services are good but the NHS is the reason I am so into complementary therapies - it's the only way I can get healthcare   Unless their chosen meds happen to be the right ones for you then you're on your own.  It's very scary because everyone thinks the NHS is great until they have to use it for a chronic condition and then it's too late to get insurance because they won't cover pre-exisiting conditions.  Anyway, none the less - NHS lesson over!  I appreciate you taking the time to find me the stuff so please don't apologise xx

[Twoapenny]

I think I broke.  And I think it's probably a good thing.  I know it sounds a bit weird but the last few days I have been so tired and the anger that's been pouring out of me has been so strong and unpleasant and difficult to manage.  I even had to say to son that I was in a really angry mood so could he please stay in his bedroom and I've never had to do that before (he was fine about it).  But I think something in me has just snapped and today I could barely get the energy up to get out of bed to take him to college.  I can't tell you how relieved I am that this week is his last and I have ten weeks now to recover.  I have just got to make my health a priority now and if that means that paperwork doesn't get done and money doesn't get earned and I don't see anyone or go out at all, so be it.  I just can't manage it all on my own any more and I'm not willing to give my health up.  So I went back to bed when I got home earlier.  I've had some lunch now, I'm going to walk to the shop in a minute to get some groceries, pick son up from college and then I'm going back to bed and the rest of the world can just carrying on spinning without me, quite frankly.  It does feel like it's time to let the pieces drop, let everything settle and then pick up what I need and what feels useful.  And that doesn't include stress, rushing around, loads of people who don't know what they're doing, friends who never call, friends who call with drama or nonsense to offload, annoying neighbours and everything else that just gets me down.  It really does need to be health first and foremost now.

I am also aware that it's my mum's birthday in a couple of days and I hate not sending her something.  I don't do it because I know it will be like poking the sleeping bear (as Lighter describes it) but it always feels wrong and I do wish that she'd made just the smallest effort over the last dozen or so years to try to change or reach out or just do something that showed she was able to contain her madness for a short while.  It does get me down.

[sKePTiKal]

Doesn't sound weird to me at all, Tupp. (((((Tupp)))))

The strongest trees will break, because they don't bend easily when the winds are fierce.

Pick one thing a day, to focus on. Don't try to do everything all at once - even if it all NEEDS to get done. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But you can only do the one thing you're doing at this moment.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))

You are a good person who sometimes feels the rage rush through. And what you do is protect others and protect yourself until it passes.

You are such a grownup; you awe me.

I am so glad you're resting, and wish to bits that I could be there to make you a cuppa when you wake from your nap, do funny faces and games with your son, bring in flowers, bathe the cat, and bring you a novel that will change your life for the better, drawing you in so deep that you come out with your soul bigger.

Hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

I don't have any answers, but I know your feelings belong, deserve attention, and validation.  They can't be blocked or pushed down.  They need to come out, and feel sunshine.

You've been so strong, so heroic, such an advocate for your son..... you're tired,  and angry,  of course you are. 

There's a new time coming.  One where you put yourself first, and build your tolerance for feeling safe and OK.  It's a new term for me.... PAT.... short for I foget what, but it's a THING, trust me. 

I've just learned how to FIND my safe place... so many ways to fail, or trigger or just not get it right, but I DID IT YESTERDAY, and will post about it on another thread.

Just want you to know this anger is a messenger.  How you've been doing things isn't working any more, and it's OK to STOP, and do something else.

You're so smart, and capable.... you'll replace the old with new, better things.

SO BE angery when you feel it come up.  Rest when you need to.  Drop all judgement around everything, and just pay attention to it.  What's going on around you... what do you smell, feel, taste, and hear? 

Breath like you're filling your lungs from the bottom to the top... fill your vase.  Slowly.   Then pour it out, slowly.

Focus on your breath, and know things will get better. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Doesn't sound weird to me at all, Tupp. (((((Tupp)))))

The strongest trees will break, because they don't bend easily when the winds are fierce.

Pick one thing a day, to focus on. Don't try to do everything all at once - even if it all NEEDS to get done. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But you can only do the one thing you're doing at this moment.

That's good advice, Skep, and I have heeded it!  In the simplest of terms, as long as we eat we won't die and that's pretty much our only essential!  I just can't be bothered with it all anymore; I feel like I have worked all my life, in every sense - for money, to improve myself, to educate myself, to try to build friendships and relationships - and it feels like it just isn't worth the effort.  I was chatting to a guy the other day, friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing.  He lives in a caravan, does mostly gardening work (which he loves) and just moves around depending where the work is and what else he feels like doing.  Pretty low income but also low living costs so although he doesn't earn a lot he has money for the things he enjoys and he's just really happy.  Low key, doing what he loves and not fussing about everything else.  I was very envious!

So yes, am currently on a go slow, I'm doing what needs to be done and then just doing what I fancy.  Thank you x

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))

You are a good person who sometimes feels the rage rush through. And what you do is protect others and protect yourself until it passes.

You are such a grownup; you awe me.

I am so glad you're resting, and wish to bits that I could be there to make you a cuppa when you wake from your nap, do funny faces and games with your son, bring in flowers, bathe the cat, and bring you a novel that will change your life for the better, drawing you in so deep that you come out with your soul bigger.

Hugs,
Hops

Aw, Hops, thank you, I really appreciate that.  The thought of you trying to bathe our deranged cat is hilarious   Lol.  I'm fine, I've just put down the enormous amount of crap I carry about and I just want to reset and get a life that's worth living.  College is over - hooray!  So we've got ten weeks now of marching to the beat of our own drum and I'm going to use that time to reset, think, rest and get some perspective.  I feel like life is always just reacting to each situation so I'm trying really hard not to react and to think, do I need to do anything, can I ignore this, can I leave it, can I do something else instead?  I sit on the beach and it's so lovely; the sand's warm, the coastline is stunning; truly beautiful cliffs and coastal paths and some beautiful houses nestled up on the cliff tops.  The waves crash or lap depending on the weather and we tend to go later in the day so it's usually surfers and dog walkers by then.  Really cute dog just came running over and plonked himself down on the blanket between myself and son; it's hilarious the way dogs just decide they want attention and insist you give it to them.  His owner was lovely as well so that chat was nice.  I just want more niceness in my life and I want my normal to be much happier than it is.  The beach trips reset me and just get me back to being able to cope again and I'd really love to go to the beach already coping and then enjoy it so it tops me up rather than just getting me back to manageable, if that makes sense? x

[Twoapenny]

Hi, Tupp:

I don't have any answers, but I know your feelings belong, deserve attention, and validation.  They can't be blocked or pushed down.  They need to come out, and feel sunshine.

You've been so strong, so heroic, such an advocate for your son..... you're tired,  and angry,  of course you are. 

There's a new time coming.  One where you put yourself first, and build your tolerance for feeling safe and OK.  It's a new term for me.... PAT.... short for I foget what, but it's a THING, trust me. 

I've just learned how to FIND my safe place... so many ways to fail, or trigger or just not get it right, but I DID IT YESTERDAY, and will post about it on another thread.

Just want you to know this anger is a messenger.  How you've been doing things isn't working any more, and it's OK to STOP, and do something else.

You're so smart, and capable.... you'll replace the old with new, better things.

SO BE angery when you feel it come up.  Rest when you need to.  Drop all judgement around everything, and just pay attention to it.  What's going on around you... what do you smell, feel, taste, and hear? 

Breath like you're filling your lungs from the bottom to the top... fill your vase.  Slowly.   Then pour it out, slowly.

Focus on your breath, and know things will get better. 

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter, I do think of you when thoughts and feelings come up and try to observe it and see what it is rather than judging it or trying to push it away.  I think the big problem is time - when you have ten things to do and half an hour to do them it's hard then to take time to observe how you feel or think about it objectively.  But now college has finished for the summer we will have time so I'm really hoping I can spend this next ten weeks observing, letting things out, avoiding new stress and just generally moving ahead in a way that benefits me, rather than battling with so many people all of the time.  It feels like it comes from every angle at times and that's what I struggle with so I'm hoping I can reset now and change that around a bit. xx

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I loved every single word of this, so much I had to read it twice.

I sit on the beach and it's so lovely; the sand's warm, the coastline is stunning; truly beautiful cliffs and coastal paths and some beautiful houses nestled up on the cliff tops.  The waves crash or lap depending on the weather and we tend to go later in the day so it's usually surfers and dog walkers by then.  Really cute dog just came running over and plonked himself down on the blanket between myself and son; it's hilarious the way dogs just decide they want attention and insist you give it to them.  His owner was lovely as well so that chat was nice.

I hope something like this, simple or stunning, happens to you every single day. Or at least so often that beauty and nature feel as close as a true friend.

Enjoy your summer break...you are READY!

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, I loved every single word of this, so much I had to read it twice.

I sit on the beach and it's so lovely; the sand's warm, the coastline is stunning; truly beautiful cliffs and coastal paths and some beautiful houses nestled up on the cliff tops.  The waves crash or lap depending on the weather and we tend to go later in the day so it's usually surfers and dog walkers by then.  Really cute dog just came running over and plonked himself down on the blanket between myself and son; it's hilarious the way dogs just decide they want attention and insist you give it to them.  His owner was lovely as well so that chat was nice.

I hope something like this, simple or stunning, happens to you every single day. Or at least so often that beauty and nature feel as close as a true friend.

Enjoy your summer break...you are READY!

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops - I feel better already!   It's just not having the pressure of the week to deal with.  I've been able to rest, nap, eat, go to the beach, chat to son, catch up on here, watch TV, all without any pressure of what needs to be done next week.  Tomorrow might be quite busy but that doesn't matter because the rest of the week is quiet so it will balance out.  I think the summer is going to be fab xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hey... an idea, FWIW. Sometimes it works for me.

When I'm feeling pressured like that and I don't have the option to just take a day off... I remember that ALL the things I have to deal with are:

a) things I want
b) what I want matters
c) even if I have to do it all myself - I'm getting both A & B

Now, if I can just find a way to deal with the chaos that seems to follow other people who are swirling around in my life/space right now... and not feel like I'm being steamrolled flat.

[Twoapenny]

Hey... an idea, FWIW. Sometimes it works for me.

When I'm feeling pressured like that and I don't have the option to just take a day off... I remember that ALL the things I have to deal with are:

a) things I want
b) what I want matters
c) even if I have to do it all myself - I'm getting both A & B

Now, if I can just find a way to deal with the chaos that seems to follow other people who are swirling around in my life/space right now... and not feel like I'm being steamrolled flat.

That's interesting, Skep, because I think my situation is the opposite and I think that's what causes the biggest problem for me.  I very rarely do anything that I want - I'm usually doing and dealing with stuff I don't want to do, so I get angry and resentful on top of being tired, stressed, bored and everything else.  Even doing the stress relieving stuff makes me feel angry, because it just takes me to a slightly better place than I was before.  So if I start off at minus ten (zero being a sort of midline place that's neither good nor bad, just ordinary) then spending an hour at the beach takes me to minus eight.  And then going to collect son from college takes me back to minus ten, so it feels like it just keeps me slightly better than completely dead.  Lol.  What I'm finding so different this week (without college to worry about and without the pressure of having to be here and there at different times) is that, having had my 'breakdown' last week (I'm not really sure what to call it but me general feeling is 'I don't give a shit anymore'   Lol), I've only been doing stuff I like and stuff I want to do and the difference in the way I feel is huge, plus all my health related problems have subsided.  So I'm really hoping if I get ten weeks now of being able to fill up my tanks without anything being taken away again then I might be able to cope better once college starts again in September?  I'm trying to just focus on day to day and trying to stay 'in the moment' but after forty plus years of hypervigilence it is a skill I'm finding difficult to master!  But we can only keep trying, right?

As for other people's chaos - the only way I can cope is to keep away from people lol.  I've not mastered my own chaos yet so dealing with anyone else's is just too much for me.  It is tiring, it's hard not to get bogged down in it so I hope you're able to find a way to float past it   One of my friend's refers to it as OPD - Other People's Drama, which I think is very apt xx

[Twoapenny]

Hi to you, Tupp!

I was just thinking about you this morning and then I was reading your post to catch up. I was thinking how many years you have been a caregiver for your son and how exhausted you must be.

I have kids with serious mental health issues that are now (after many years) getting onto their feet with the right meds and care. I remember well the years of getting up every morning to another day of everyone depending on me, and never ending crises. Its exhausting. And no matter how much sympathy you get, the day to day of it remains with you. I can feel your bone-tired weariness.

I love it that you are going to put everything to the side and just concentrate on basics. When I hit the wall, I walked and walked and walked and I do think that made a difference--not in my circumstances, but just the chemicals in my body. Once I even had a horrible argument with my ex while I was walking on a treadmill and I was astounded at how different I felt (yeah, I know: who has arguments on a treadmill?)

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I sure get it how hard it is right now. You are a pretty awesome mom and it's not easy at all, but your immediate plan seems just what you need.

CB

Thanks, CB, it's good to have you back here   I'm glad your kids finally got to a place where things are okay.  It is exhausting; I don't think you ever stop worrying (although I think that's just a parenting thing in general).  What I find really difficult is other people getting involved.  It's very difficult to find people who will just do what I say and I don't mean that in a diva type way, just that my son has multiple problems, none of which are terribly obvious and most of which I try to help him with by preventing him from getting too tired or too stressed (because that then exacerbates all of his problems and then you get into this whirlwind of trying to deal with it all and it's awful for both of us).  But there's such an attitude towards parents here that we're all neurotic overbearing weirdos that the 'professionals' often won't listen.  So letting anyone else in means we're always potentially heading for disaster and that means I need to have the energy to cope with the possible fall out - which I don't have, and so we get caught in the cycle.  But I am feeling better this week for just putting the breaks on and doing what I want and sitting down on my bum when I feel like it.  It does make a really big difference.  Thank you for your kind thoughts and words and it's good to have you back.