Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on.
I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be. I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors. I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well.
The anger is still a problem only less so now; I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing. Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them. One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky. Astonishing amount of noise. They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours. The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues. It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved. It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do. It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are.
Anyway - I digress. Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present. I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced. Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies. He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him. But yes, the grief. Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).
I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven. I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time. I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all. I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried.
I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch. I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them. But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation. Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life. But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment.
Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all. We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day. I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel. It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore. I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder. I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough. It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that. I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading
xx
