Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The island
lighter:
OK.
I've percolated on the Frenchman/boundaries/co-dependence/nurturing/attachment involvement...... thing and here's what I'm finding.
I DO get something out of nurturing others. I'm in the kitchen. I cook and feed people, but I noticed I'm not doing it exclusively or needing to do it exclusively. I want to share the duties. I want to let others pick it up and hand it off fairly. IF I DO too much, bc others fail to step up, I'm certainly aware and have CHOSEN to step up or not step up. I'm aware I could suggest someone else step up then go back to what I'm doing. I'm aware there will be discomfort in this, bc I've trained people to expect me to fix, fill in, make things go smoothly, but that's no longer the case for me.
I SHOULD have done what my gut tells me is true and good and right.... stated a boundary and moved past it. IF the Frenchman felt butthurt over being rebuffed he just has to deal with it or go
away.
I'm coo with that and I can't control the guy if he's going to stalk or whine or cry.... and I don't want to control that.
I think men with mommy issues are attracted to me for a number of reasons. One, I'm nurturing. Two. I'm distanced and typically unattainable, bc I'm often not dating or looking for male companionship truly not up for giving any time or attention to a man..... I'm actively dressing like a worker bee and going about my business. That part seems irresistible to a certain type of man and I don't even want to visit that type..... just avoid. My mother used to say that men are attracted to women who're doing SOMETHING... anything... as long as they're busy and engaged. I forgot that until just this moment. I truly believe that's part of this and I'm so IN MY OWN HEAD I miss or outright ignore the signs I need nip something in the bud.
I do have difficulty with men LYING about how they feel, coming back and starting more drama over being rebuffed.... trying to convince me, but that's just more of the initial boundary transgression and has to be nipped and dealt with, sans drama.
I'm
NO
MORE
DRAMA
or men whining in my direction. I really am hypersensitive to whining men I THINK bc women have been cast as whiny, needy, weak, and judged on it generally, which now that I SEE it, bothers me less.
No more being held hostage by the feelings of others though.
No more allowing people to talk AT ME and me just standing there, waiting for a chance to escape.
I know how to DO this. I don't know how to sidestep all the chaos people whip up and present as reason for me to stand there and listen, consider, blah blah. It all seems so simple now.
It doesn't matter if anyone else understands the situation as long as I understand.
I'm the only one who's opinion counts..... I'm willing to consider listening to rational opinions, from people who honor boundaries, but only those honoring boundaries.
Seems simple now.
People presenting reasons for overstepping my boundaries don't get to talk, at least not to me.
People tell themselves stories. They tend to live from places of fear when they tell those stories.
They project.
OK.
I don't have figure all that out and I certainly have more peace if I accept they're confused and struggling and let them have their opinions.
I can state my POV and not require they understand or agree. I state my opinions IF I feel there's something to gain. IF I care about the other person, as in sib...someone my sib cares about. It's lovely to accept what others feel without letting it affect me. Interesting to not have to fix or help anyone understand, grow or learn , unless it's about my boundaries and consequences of overstepping. That takes a lot of energy out of deciding when I interact and what I interact over with those I don't vibe with.
I think stating my POV, in a calm, compassionate manner is super important for me to feel authentic and fine in my own skin.
Waiting till I've lost all patience doesn't work. Never worked.
And people won't understand my level request or demand to have a voice at the table, but I'll be consistent and they'll learn.
And that's OK too.
I'm curious how this will go.... actually looking forward to it.
No dread.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Good percolating, Lighter! I think the reason it seems simple now is because your home, in your own space, without all those silly people taking up your time, energy, head space. So you've been able to think and settle, instead of spinning and firefighting. I would guess that when you go to the island you just need to get on - Job 1, Job 2, Job 3 - whilst making mental lists for things to do next time, supplies to order, items to check, plus at back of mind, are DDs okay, and so on. No time and no headspace for people who just aren't on your level - emotionally. Not as well developed, thoughtful, considerate. You need that and deserve that.
Nurturing and mothering are great qualities, in my opinion - it is just the boundaries that need to be honed and perfected. It's all practise and you are right on the path! I'm glad that it's all settled in your head and it will be great if the next visit is a bit smoother and more settled :) xx
lighter:
OK, so brother and I got a lot done on the island. He tends to focus on organizing in BIG sweeps.... clearing out, throwing away.
I tend to organize minutely, bag things together then have trouble finding things. Brother wants that to end, and is fairly insistent. It see the value. I do. He knows that.
He also focuses on creating an estate on the property.... grading and mowing with ease.... everything neat. Nothing to mow around and slow him down. I can see the value in that and once he explained it.... it made lots of sense.
He sees the value in having things when you need them... not spending hours traveling to the other island to make an expensive purchase of something we SHOULD have on hand. Think water bottle pumps and fasteners..... sheet rock, stucco and stucco wire. TONS of things. He wants clear clean space. I want to put my hands on cement when I need it. 2.5 inch deck screws. Old pressure treated wood from the deck we tore down so it matches the other decks when we make repairs. LOTS of wood. Plumbing supplies. Electrical.
It's a dance of compromise and brother said he saw the difficulty in organizing and editing for me. Hard work. Difficult with such limited space and I agreed with much of what he said, but not all. I DO want meds on the island I can't get otherwise. Brother said trips should be cancelled if you need a med you can't get on the island. I disagreed. That's OK. We can disagree.
The important thing is..... we got a lot done. TONS done. Not enough, but we're getting there. I was thinking of going for youngest dd's spring break and maybe taking a friend. Maybe many friends... not sure, and I normally wouldn't think about doing that.
This is new. There's more room to enjoy the cottage and less work to do. I know that. More toys and things to play with kayak, bikes and huge big island and dd will graduate soon. Might as well take joy by the lapels and dance with it.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on March 04, 2020, 12:52:55 PM ---OK, so brother and I got a lot done on the island. He tends to focus on organizing in BIG sweeps.... clearing out, throwing away.
I tend to organize minutely, bag things together then have trouble finding things. Brother wants that to end, and is fairly insistent. It see the value. I do. He knows that.
He also focuses on creating an estate on the property.... grading and mowing with ease.... everything neat. Nothing to mow around and slow him down. I can see the value in that and once he explained it.... it made lots of sense.
He sees the value in having things when you need them... not spending hours traveling to the other island to make an expensive purchase of something we SHOULD have on hand. Think water bottle pumps and fasteners..... sheet rock, stucco and stucco wire. TONS of things. He wants clear clean space. I want to put my hands on cement when I need it. 2.5 inch deck screws. Old pressure treated wood from the deck we tore down so it matches the other decks when we make repairs. LOTS of wood. Plumbing supplies. Electrical.
It's a dance of compromise and brother said he saw the difficulty in organizing and editing for me. Hard work. Difficult with such limited space and I agreed with much of what he said, but not all. I DO want meds on the island I can't get otherwise. Brother said trips should be cancelled if you need a med you can't get on the island. I disagreed. That's OK. We can disagree.
The important thing is..... we got a lot done. TONS done. Not enough, but we're getting there. I was thinking of going for youngest dd's spring break and maybe taking a friend. Maybe many friends... not sure, and I normally wouldn't think about doing that.
This is new. There's more room to enjoy the cottage and less work to do. I know that. More toys and things to play with kayak, bikes and huge big island and dd will graduate soon. Might as well take joy by the lapels and dance with it.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
I'm really looking forward to a time when you can go to the island and mostly have fun, Lighter. I imagine there will always be a few bits and pieces that need dealing with, but it will be great if those are minor things (or scheduled regular maintenance) and they can be dealt with quickly and then the fun can begin :)
Yep. does make sense to have supplies and materials close to hand and easy to find. Meds - I prefer to have too much than too little. You don't know what you might go down with when you're there - makes it difficult to bring what you need with you. I'm glad the dust seems to have settled a bit and hope it all gets a little easier for you from here on in :) xx
Hopalong:
Lighter,
As the virus heats up here, I'm torn between envy that you have an island retreat you could grab your family and go hide on for a few months, and worry that if you do and it reaches there, you'd be in worse shape than here. Aaaaarrrggghhh.
But who the hell knows. I've stocked up on sanitizer gel (a gallon of the base--60% alcohol as required, plus bags of cotton squares and snack-sized "sandwich" bags). I'm going to make a bunch of little "kits" of these to have on hand and to give to folks. Just ordered plastic pump-tops for the gallons. Also got some dehydrated and a bit of bulk food, extra echinacea and elderberry syrup.
Do you have a plan to stay home or go to the island if the pandemic gets worse?
Hugs
Hops
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