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Mindfulness and codependence thread
Twoapenny:
It's funny how we seem to be experiencing similar sorts of things at the minute, Lighter, with protector parts and figuring out who is doing what. I'm amazed at how much you get done while all of this is going on; I've felt like I'm in some sort of fugue state for weeks now, no energy at all, doing much beyond the basics isn't really happening here just now. I look down on other people's way of doing things for most things, I always think I can see a better/easier/quicker way. But if anyone does that to me I explode :) Something else to notice and work on.
The mice have outwitted you :) You need some of Skep's kitties :) xx
Hopalong:
Lighter, absolutely loved your descriptions of your real and present encounters with your "little L."
Beautiful. Illuminating. Powerful.
Bravo.
Tupp, your honesty practically throws me against the wall sometimes. I loved your openness about a "critical spirit" side of your nature. I can have that too. It feels good to forgive ourselves for the parts that aren't lovely and inspiring, but muddy and yuck to wade through. Thank you.
hugs, still in "device desert" but solutions coming...
Hops
lighter:
Ok.....a couple things have happened recently, sending Whirly Dirvish L into a spin. Having to do with bossy boot twin, but mostly to do with my part in blindly following, particularly when distracted.
It put many things into perspective, particularly taking a beat before responding to anyone.....and.....how judging others means one judges self, as well.
My parents feel mostly off their hooks....leaving gratitude, mostly. Just byproduct of this process, IME. I'm left with more curiosity and less judgement. Sort of feels like observing my children and perhaps those parental parts in me, which are strong, in some cases.
Whirly D has calmed down and changed into a very still 3yo, staring at me, arms at her sides....I won't say relaxed. More....aware of what's around her.....and what's around her is unknown and unexpected. She's still 50 feet away.....but she's stopped whirling and maybe she didn't understand not whirling was an option.
I haven't noticed feeling on a boat as often, BUT the world has spun a few times when reclining, mostly at the lake, in the bed it began. I'll perform the maneuver to move ear debris again, with two pillows. No head to the side of the bed.
There are days of zero symptoms and days with many symptoms. I'll try to notice what's going on, around them. Things are a bit busy.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
Archangel Michael popped up during meditation session of tending to Boaty L and Whirly L.
At first Whirly L came closer as I tended to Boaty....then Archangel Michael appeared and began swinging his heavy sword around the 3 of us and everything became that.....silver air in motion, the sword and Archangel Michael which prompted me to look up the prayer to St. Michael.
I'm uncomfortable wishing hell on anyone, but can imagine certain harmful elements need to be separated and apart, but hell seems punitive... and suffering seems....
unhelpful, counterproductive, wrong, untenable.
Does that keep those, vanquished to hell, so they can't escape and do harm? Is it necessary? Really? To what end? Never made sense to me.
This could be me virtue signaling... someone too nice to wish hell on others, but I don't think so?
I don't believe so.
I think Whirly L wouldn't question how the sausage gets made. I think she understands the sausage must be made, sans any need to be seen as "nice." I think vanquished and unable to harm others is Whirly L's only criteria, sans thought beyond that imperative.
I guess she was the one protecting other children on the playground. She was always the one. ...in martial arts, I called her "instincts." In order to fight back, for real, I had to be hurt....and then fighting flowed like water, without understanding follow through, sans pulling a punch or kick. And we sparred playfully, normally.....more points scoring game than fight. The children were expected to sparr as hard and were paired with adults, usually me at the end and, to toughen them up. That doesn't read....."nice," I realize. I imagine my teacher understood what he was asking of me. Whirly L would never harm a child. Push and test....yes, bc it was an uncomfortable command....but never follow through, for real. Half follow through, is what I picture. I know I was reprimanded for going too light. I assume I learned to go harder on a young teen boy, in particular, who entered our school at my rank....and we tested together. I remember exchanging glances with him before we broke boards with back spinning kicks...I think we jumped? We did it, but it was tough. The kid had to rise or fail. He rose. Our teacher didn't believe in giving children different belts. They had to earn adult belts or not earn. It was my first school. What did I know?
I knew sparring normally with a teen girl, roughly my size, from a posh dojo I was visiting, upset the female instructor who....challenged me indirectly, to sparr with her? (someone besides the teen).....and I had no idea why she stopped sparring at the time. We all sparred each other.
She meant herself, but Coddling children in martial arts wasn't in my vocabulary. I didn't see it as a weakness, bc it didn't exist in my world and I didn't hit hard, bc she didn't hurt me...but I did hit her, so she learned from every choice.
I remember learning from every choice, while sparring with men, in my early days. I was the only woman, maybe 107lbs. I always attended both sparring sessions twice weekly, 4 hours a week....8 hours Total training, bc it was the most interesting and where the pieces became whole. Footwork. Punches. Kicks. Combinations. Distance. Blocks and for some reason we blocked....never bobbed or weaved. I realize it toughened us up in ways we weren't aware of, bc we were pushed to fail every class. Hard to think, when you're in danger of peeing your pants or falling down from exhaustion. Not saying we were special, just saying our normal wasn't normal everywhere.
My first teacher opened a dojo for a Korean master with very high expectations.
For a long time our class was only 3 students....me and 2 grown men. We trained up to black belts together where the shorter guy drove his fist through the block the first time. The taller student failed twice, with a very upset instructor announcing he'd "drive his stump through that block if his hand was broken!!!" The shame for tall guy was a stinging, live thing.
I think Wirly L quite agrees with the instructor's POV, btw.
I'd already fallen in love with another school where a 170 lb gal, roughly my rank and the teacher's pet, beat me so hard, I willed myself to gain 20 lbs of muscle.....and to eventually bob and weave.
I don't know if tall guy ever broke his block, but it was his mind, not his ability, holding him back.
At the end of the meditation, I held Boaty L. Rain bounced off us.....we struggled to see and breathe.
Whirly L stood, maybe 10 feet away, also in the rain, more interested in Archangel Michael than me and Boaty L. I must have drifted off, bc I woke up with the pug sleeping at my side.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
My sister edited and organized my closet. I rarely wear anything outside certain things.
Need to give that some care BUT I've been changing sizes again. Not sure where I am, but in the middle some where.....30 Seven jeans, with shiny back pockets, almost fit.
Truth be told, I still eat sugar and dairy. Giving up carbs, with one gf choic once a week, sort of fell into place.
Giving up sugar and dairy will be the same. Right now I'm eating tons of fruit SO GOOD!!
I take stevia in my coffee, but don't scrutinize every label......my head's not there yet. The cool thing is....once those things are out of one's system, the cravings for same diminish, IME. A we say....the worms quiet down, as in parasites. Yuck, but sugar feeds everything bad in the body EVERYTHING.
Lighter
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