Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
Me, too, I think we're more than just what we've been through.
I used to read Jung and Dibs in Search of Self and lots such. Jung's my favorite.
I don't know if it's about consciousness, which you're delving into so deeply, but I've become a fan in recent years about my "spidey sense" with people. I analyzed absolutely everything and everyone for ages as a survival thing, I believe, because I trusted my mind first and my feelings later.
I could criticize myself constantly for FEELING one way or another. To me, "spidey sense" is intuition and perception, and seems located deeper than consciousness. That's probably why hypnosis worked so well for me at times. And poetry. I think intuition is animal, and that's the part of myself I most need to tune into. In poetry, I open that gate and all sorts of spidey sense (for good and ill) rises up and weaves rhythm and story, letting feeling just arrange itself on top of the words.
In life and in relationships, I'm always happy analyzing to a faretheewell, but I need to shut up my mind sometimes. Or a lot more often.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
There's that'ol neeeeed to, Hops. And... I think we believe we're what happens to us, sans exploring that belief. Going through the motions of building new, mindful, beliefs and watering them in with daily practice makes sense in me brain pan.
I've spent time daily with Whirly and it's been at my little house, where my sacred tomato garden lives....where I lived when my girls were born. I was free and twirling Whirlie in my arms....in the nursery....both of us laughing and enjoying the joyful movement. Something I did with my girls. It seemed right.
Every day I picture rising above the house and yard Twirlie left.....in my mind there's been a shift from Whirlie to Twirley.... she's changing.....but we rise together and look away together, at what's next. Today we stay in the air, darting about, moving fast....and then she rests on my chest...me on my back, still moving fast through the air.
Content.....moving towards the garden? Nope, we're flying through the breeze and sun. Magnificent freedom.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I thought Whirly was your vertigo.
I'm losing the thread, but nothing new....
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Sorry, Boatie is the feeling of being on a boat. Vertigo is vertigo. Whirly was all teeth and nails..... she's changing.
lighter:
I woke up in the middle of a dream. I was inside an armoured Winnebago, parked in a mall lot, I understood I was responsible for driving....I had no vision....was trusting my instincts.....there were items of great value to me.....I spent time gathering one item as I dropped and found money.....bills of different denomination, crumpled....tried to secure them, but was focused on the valuable things, in a bag.
At one point, the others on the bus and I determined we needed to move closer to other people....the entrance to the mall and I backed out of the spot, basically blind then felt relief as someone else took over driving forward and the dream changed.
I was mother to a young 3yo naybe, very thin brown boy dressed in sandals and shorts. We were outside, at a road and he ran towards a curbed sidewalk with scattered gravel....the curb went from flat to regular height.....it was tricksy for the boy and he fell hard, crying. I went to him and fixed him up....consoled, was so happy to do that for him. Remained calm through his upset.
Again, he ran to the gravel and curb.....again he fell. Again he cried.....I went to him, but this time I turned both our attention to the place he'd fallen.....he was heartbroken and crying...."help me mama."
I said "let's take a look at where you fell and figure out why that happened."
The child immediately stopped crying and focused on the problem with me. He was curious.
A couple hours later I met with T and shared my dream.
Her take: I was going into my past, even though I can't see it, I trust my instincts and go anyway. The mall represents the world and people.....the money isn't what I care about......the precious things are the others on board......the child is one of my parts and I met him with self energy..... confident we could figure out what happened, what needed to be learned to move past the pain and trauma.
Moving the Winnebago, (baggage, iho,) was about me dealing with my past, while in the Hermit/healing phase, and deciding to move towards people again as a natural step in that process.
We talked about DD22 and an emotionally charged topic, which is microcosm for our enmeshment and co-dependence.
I noticed remaining very calm during a recent heated exchange, as DD22 became more charged and obviously in her reptilian brain......and I just talked myself through it, rather than talking at her,which lead to her deciding she never went uld have been so upset "had I just said it like that from the beginning."
I explained I'm working on self regulation and was self regulated during our conversation. I knew she just made an appointment with her T, bc she texted with her out loud to me. I asked if they worked on self regulation together....DD22 was not happy, felt intruded upon, crossed boundary, but I wanted common ground.
Also, I think her T adores her and futzes about, rather than doing deep painful work, based on DD22's statements after T appointments. Also, her T tells her "she's her favorite client," which is "a big NO NO on a short list of things Ts shouldn't do with clients" according to my T, who supervised new Ts.
Anyway, I stayed level, set a boundary ....my stuff is my stuff to deal with, regarding oldest DD24, who I very much wanted in school. DD22 didn't necessarily agree, but she calmed and has been lovely, happily engaged in projects with a friend and emotionally level.....polite, appropriate and joyful. She had been struggling with this last semester of school, which I was helping her with (art history homework) just before she slid off the edge and became upset.
She went from how she was struggling to why it was the way rld and my fault, frankly.
I remained outside her suffering and it was so much better. More helpful. To meet her pain with self energy, rather than going down the hole with her, actually experiencing her upset WITH her......was so...very different. And it just happened, with very little noticing.
Sea change, y'all.
::nodding::.
DDs have their work to do, and I can't do it for them. I help no one if I try. I've somehow managed to repeat and try and fail and succeed my way to this place, which feels like creating a mountain and standing with weight properly aligned over my skeleton, instead of hanging on by my fingertips at the edge.....and I can breathe.....and feel the sun..... there's calm comfort and compassion, sure, but no need to protect and fix.
I suspect the valuable things on the bus are my children, all my parts.....and myself.🐦
I guess the little boy could have been DD22's wounded part, as well.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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