Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
I had lunch with Moss Friend (MF) yesterday afternoon. She's an artist and both she and dh veer OCD with impeccable home and yard. They lost 30 trees in hurricane, so massive loss of privacy, but home and moss came through. The new car was crushed by a tree, unfortunately, not the older.
We had lots of catching up to do and she was mesmerized by sleeping infant little L part (Boatie 's) story.
She learned recently her mother left her father, after her birth, and her Grandmother left her in the attic, alone.
A maid would sneak up and check on her....maid said she ,"never cried," which broke my heart and set me talking about early abandonment leading self abandonment later.
It just clicked and we talked for 4 hours, till it was time to get ready for night out at comedy club w/ DD22.
As I was saying goodbye, DD24 called....she needed to come home with her bf and stop up mom time. It worked out bc DD22 was ambivalent about going out.
AsDD24, her bf and I tucked into 6 games of Mahjong (I won 1st 2) my beloved BIL called AND 2 guests booked the island cottage with happy questions and grateful texts.
I was reminded of the mall dream.....
of moving towards the door and people and it was joyful.
Lighter
lighter:
I had two adult "playdates" recently, with my moss friend. We visited her Granddaughter and husband for half an hour(I adore the husband from past lake jobs he's helped with.). So competent and, I admit, I enjoyed being admired in a "not creepy" way. Wholesome and light in spirit......no problems or worry on the job and he handled his helper's inappropriate comments/actions. I realize how grateful I am to have "normal" work interactions. Hmm.
He reached out for new mum support and general help for his wife (friend's granddaughter/GD) and I'm at once happy, but ready to not get embroiled in any family drama.
Moss Friend (MF) and Granddaughter have occasional drama, but I just want to help with that chubby 4mo baby boy and maybe helping set up new household. MF said she's noticed how similar she and GD are to each other, referencing stubbornness and doing things exactly their way, which I've been working on with T....... interesting it's coming up again and again.
While visiting new mum, the entire extended family was there and I noticed similarities between my FOO when new mum tripped and fell flat on the sofa, thank goodness, not on floor. The room erupted in laughter.....I didn't laugh or look to see if her dh laughed, or ,her 15yo brother......the laughter went on and on, much to my distress. GD,,'s face was red and she was sort of laughing, but it was shame burning bright. Couldn't look up....she was just crushed under all that laughter...... similar to my father's sense of humor🥺
And so...... I'm imagining helping her with things I...
.
A) can't mess up, bc I understand need to have 'things" done a particular way at the particular time.
B) don't mind doing.
It's interesting to notice I auto assume I need to treat new mum with kit gloves, based on stories MF shared through the years, and I notice I don't want to do that. I won't be doing that.
I get to hold the chubby baby AND practice boundaries and learning to handle my responses ONLY, not manage others. Whew boy...... that's huge!
T appt today exploring dream where I lost my purse and shoes after night out with my girls and their friends. Had trouble getting back to the bar..... couldn't reach it.
Thinking I have to leave behind who I've been and find out who I am.....let the girls go their way...the work is my own to do.
I have noticed the old and new ways of feeling/being in the world popping up, sometimes bumping into each other....but it's on my radar. Interesting, hence revisiting coping strategies and calming Nervous System, as things pop up, bc moving through and out is a habit I'm cultivating, rather than avoiding.
The journey continues.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
There are definite benefits - and new discoveries - from letting the girls deal with their own stuff now. Hol's & my relationship is different since the Japan trip (a month) and her shifting "daily needs" to C. They are still living separately and this seems like a good arrangement for both of them; for now. That said, they do spend quite a bit of time together. Sorta like B & I.
Being alone with him so much, this last "visit" - has been really good for both of us. And its helped me address another level of my "doing too much" or over-responsibility for Hol. At 47, she needs to be able to completely take care of herself - no dependance on me or my experience. Maybe she'll find something that "fits" better for her, ya know?
Now if I can just get her to stop volunteering me for things I wouldn't even consider on my own - we'd be golden! But I guess I'm "the great & exalted mom" - except when she wants to pick an argument. LOLOLOL. Or insist I should BE and think and act just like her. <rolleyes> Having to deal with that, does keep me on my toes.
lighter:
Wanted to share a cool experience MF had regarding her attendance at Al-Anon meetings, bc she resent s any drinking her dh does, bc she grew up in a dysfunctional FOO with alcoholic parents.
She's been trying to meditate, but managing to read Al-Anon passages, while calm and trying to drop judgement.
She reported an epiphany sweeping over her, bringing tears and shame, bc her nose was on the drink.....she couldn't see all his fine qualities, which are many. She couldn't see he had as a very good man.
Once she shared this with him, his alcohol consumption dropped. He's not a "drunk", but any alcohol was a trigger for her.
She found enough distance to see the entire field, maybe for the first time. I was so excited for her!
lighter:
Afternoon meditation...I brought Whirlie straight to tomato garden..... very joyful. Introduced her to Auntie P.....they hugged and the hug went on, til I realized they became solid...like carved wood, smiling.
A sculpture in the garden? Room for me to perch? Nope. The sculpture shrank and turned into a bonfire...Auntie P and Whirlie came physically back......all my protective and wounded parts showed up, casually, as the sun set.
Women gathering, happy chattering, Boatie joyfully tended to......passed from adoring hands to adoring hands.
There was dancing. Little parts were dressed up, mostly in bug costumes, fantastic....shining, some with sparkles....a beetle, a Preying Mantis. My field of vision was not large. Maybe bc there was only firelight. Limiting, but ok. Looking back, maybe that's the point.
There were some repeated dance moves....stomping....heads thrown back.....reminded me of martial arts warm ups....then everyone headed to the playset which was plastic irl......now with a large stick cage house built over it. Like the little fairy houses I build, but larger.
We climbed to the top and took flight. All of us. Except Auntie P, who I scooped up and carried into the sky, then held just her hand as we flew, fast....and she was bursting with joy....eyes closed......unsure, but thrilled and present.
Will say, presence was theme of the night.
I came back to earth and landed on one knee, head thrown back, earth rumbling, air shimmering at the weight of impact.....my skin looked hard, but wasn't.... metal....was clear plastic shell....appearance.....
....like energy......pulled back to my skin.
The music came back.....and everyone landed......danced.....laughed.....engaged..... airborne in dance.
The looks on Auntie P's and Whirlie 's faces, in that hug, were so happy....belonging....and now we'll all bring Auntie P tomatoes.
Whirlie never letting go.....it was not possible for her to let go.....always embraced, seen, heard and appreciated for her little heart.
This was an hour and a half, during acupuncture. The future muscled in, several times...mostly about the girls. Some past, too. It was noted, sans judgement, as vigilance and I put them down, as tomato garden picked back up, as needed, till time to go.
I asked if needles are ever placed more deeply and was surprised to hear Sam say....yes. Sometimes, "to get to the right place"...but never on me. I was "easier"....sometimes on my sister, he went deeper.....like "fishing" when placing needles.....can change with seasons.....spring summer vs fall winter, I think....like roots sending up spring shoots. Easier to reach, sometimes.
Sister always said some needles were placed more deeply....I didn't know that.😳
I can't remember one important part of meditation....something.....happened....oh. Thoughts of MIL crept in, and it felt like stepping through glass.....and I was in that judgemental space, with her, asking how she could harm little children..... but understanding all my parts were alert and watching, from the other side, to see what happened next. I looked over my shoulder, at them, and without looking back at MIL, stepped backward through the glass, and crouched down with them....all the parts huddling around me, anxious little faces surrounding me....waiting, in silence. The music came back and they went back to the fire, dancing and being present. It felt like a collective holding of breath......a test... passage away, then back? It felt like restored choice and huge relief.
Lighter
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