Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Had a good chat with DD24 this morning.

She helped me move two huge fabric framed pieces of art out of way, in garage.  We talked about Cows, reactions and having choice vs responding.

Noticing choice or not noticing choice.

Choosing to react, but mindfully choosing it, vs not being aware.

For the most part, she agreed with everything. 

I will say, the discussion came from a place of huge compassion, for me, after watching me struggle, for a while, on my own, ending in a folded mattress breaking the leg on an antique folding file cabinet table filled with assorted beads, bows, costumes and bobbles.....what a mess.

Much was learned, discussed and I asked for help, received it and agreed to ask for help proactively in future.

I honestly thought I could handle the mattress.  Not clearing my path, first, was a problem.


I just stepped on a bit of fabric, from that event, and went down on my left knee, landing in a pile of bits.  Not injured, but must stop, clear some things up, then think through the rest of this transition.....moving sewing machine, costumes and supplies to other end of house, while living in the space.

[lighter]

Well, DD24 just texted a pic of another Grandma J letter.  This one sent to her apartment, which felt stalkerish to her, as her roommate is the only name on the lease.  I guess info could be had from the University....staff?  Voting records?  I'm not worried.  God knows, the girls are old enough to fend for themselves, should they have to.....but it's a reminder.  I should go ahead and pull together court records, applicable to real facts vs the delirium.

The girls have seen, or heard, or experienced the truth, through the years. They KNOW, but sometimes unhinged people start to sound credible, for lack of shame, IME.

It's the lack of shame.....that confounds me, in so many current situations.

The pug has vomited up her breakfast.
Twice.
She's laying on my chest, currently....and I thought I saw a little gray Hitler mustache......
it's just a little residual foam.

[Hopalong]

Yikes. Hope DD will use the timeworn RETURN TO SENDER when she's able.

Sorry about the knee owie!

Pup took me down a few days back. Sharing his excitement on his return from patrolling the property, dashed in all happy, blasted around a corner where I was standing and jumped at my leg (I'm a terrible trainer), hit the side of my knee and down I went. No horrid pain, but I'm still limping.

Meanwhile, he's become more cuddlesome and affectionate than ever in recent months. I learned something amazing I'm obsessed with, maybe already posted about it. Shih Tzus were bred in the 16th century for a very specific purpose: warming emperors' cold feet. They drill under bedclothes to the foot of the bed and lie directly over your feet. I had no idea a behavior that specific (and odd) could be genetically programmed.

Pup literally battles to get back onto my feet after I shove him off. It's kinda uncomfortable, 15 pounds of sand, etc. But his drive to be in that position blows my mind.

I've started to think that probably 90% of what we are and what we do is genetic.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Sorry about your knee, Hops.  The pug is always under foot, somehow managing to escape injury....mostly, though I feel she sometimes tries to end me.  Heal up.  Don't overdo while injured, if you can help it.

DD never opened the letter.  I'm impressed by her focus, and refusal to be yanked off center.  It's...... something I identify as.....well.  Sort of self protection, but not.
More......like..... she's removed from it ...far away from feeling obligated to give her time or attention to something harmful.  She doesn't doubt her circumstances....she doesn't feel conflicted about it.

  It is what it is, and she has two tests coming up, a bf she still adores.....a life to plan and live.  Friends. 

I think she's escaped the habit of overthinking, is what I think.  Good for her.  A blessing, imo. 

About little dogs and breeding and sleeping on feet.  Fascinating. And odd.  How did people think of these things, AND then manage to breed those kinds of things into DNA? 

We laugh about our pug coming from wolves...... can't find a drop of predator in her appearance, but must be there.

I'll mention the Return To Sender option.  Never occurred to me.

Lighter

[lighter]

T yesterday.  I was very much in need of the session.....trying to get myself out the lake door, back to renovation at the house, and Pug...... girls both gone, right now.

T session takeaways....
1. When my boat's tipping, return to internal self energy.....just do it, then keep doing it.

2.  Do 1 thing at a time.

Lighter

[lighter]

Third, important T reminder....
resistance, to what is, typically is where my struggles live.

Understanding that, is easy, IME.

Convincing, my younger parts, is another matter.

Yesterday, a holistic Lighter felt the hypocrisy, and irony, of suffering drama queen men, while enduring being unjustly labeled irrational/dramatic/sensitive, etc. She was pacing in circles, expecting apologies and something better, going forward.

I'm a friggin callous to the world, most of the time. Unflappable, focused on the mission, bending and placating grown baby men to keep the programs on track.... sometimes grown baby women too, of course, but the mission is the focus.

I've embraced the reality of mysoginy and  acceptance around it, however difficult.

I think "my people" are those who don't complain, whine, throw monkey wrenches, or ask for help, as default settings.

What does that mean?

Our wounded children likely have zero expectations of getting their needs met by others.....maybe.

I'm taking baby girl pug for follow up eye appointment.... it's still red. 

[Hopalong]

In terms of mindfully calming or de-stressing oneself, I've made a ridiculous discovery.

ASMR? Hope I got the acronym right. Anyway, a year back-ish, watching videos (maybe it started with Downton, dunno) I found myself toe-curlingly pleased in a full-body way with the sound of...drumroll...

Tires slowly rolling over gravel.

Can't fathom why. But every time I hear a nice stretch of that sound I smile, relax and just feel whole-body peace and pleasure.

Hope that doesn't mean I'll develop an unrequited crush on someone's driveway.

Anybody into ASMR-ish stuff?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's smells for me, Hops. Fresh brewed coffee. Nag Champa incense. Damp, fresh, rich dirt. Chicken & dumplin's on the stove... frying bacon.

[Hopalong]

OOOOOOO. Niiiiice, Amber!

Now that you mention it, doesn't frying bacon sound a bit like slow tires on gravel? I forget. (I guess for me the wheels/gravel sound would be coming from some distance, through a window.)

Rabbit hole. Great-smelling, crunchy-sounding rabbit hole. It's so weird.

LOL
Hops

[lighter]

I really like the new age relaxation stuff, Hops.  It makes me want to meditate, stretch and focus.

Lovely smells, for me, typically run to pine, peppermint and, yes, coffee/roasting chickens.

Lighter

[lighter]

I made three batches of a chow fun flavored chicken and pork dish this morning.

Yesterday, the pug's food was cooked, mixed, portioned and frozen in, generally, 2.5 day portions.  Lots of goopy flax and chia seeds, plus ground flax and eggshells, pork, beef, yams, peas and green beans this batch.....avocado oil.

Pug's R eye was red, but steroid drops cleared it up.

Judging, less, is changing internal things, IME.  Feels insulating, from reactivity.  I suspect it's something else.

[lighter]

Being careful isn't enough.  Being careful, enough, requires sea change in patience and also, cultivating several beats before acting.

Lighter

[lighter]

The girls are very happy right now.

Youngest had 6 friends over to prepare for Alice in Wonderland themed karaoke last night.  The loft is working well as studio space....the sewing machine was humming, her bedroom had wig fittings, bathroom has makeup..... can't wait to hear the stories.

Downstairs, DD24 and her bf are giddy with the way things are working out.  Planning a future with marriage, careers and travel.....which hasn't been spoken to me yet.  I know, bc my sister told me about the M word.   

The boy is stepping up.....more.  Yesterday, he ran errands for everyone, grocery shopped and put away......carefully noting prices at Sam's, Aldi's and Ingles.  Later, he and DD24 worked on his new website.  I think whatever spell hit the contractor, has hit the boy, and it is splendid!

My sister's a wiz with cleaning/organizing non stop.  Wiped down the large tiles yesterday and scraped ceiling where old fan came down.  Super helpful....very good timing on this visit.

Good T session yesterday. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Woke up at 2:22am with garbage/recycling day on my mind.  Nice neighbor's permission to fill their empty, oversized cans has me googling Swedish death cleaning, and not the gentle kind.

Contractor will be here around 9am.  If I could dive into my second walk in closet, I to would....but can't wake rest of the house.

The first walk in was emptied last week?  Mostly bedding, linens and suit cases.  DD24and her bf enjoying the large dresser and double overhead shelves he can reach easily.  He moved the leather chair out and to his side of the bed.....he likes it.

I'll empty bedside table drawers today, and armoire.  My sister wants me to leave the full closet, as is....overtly full.  I think it could easily be emptied, by half, at least.

[lighter]

Trigger warning for parents.  There's generational trauma.... reckonings?, for some of my favorite people, ongoing, but coming to a most painful point, right now.  Does any parent escape dreaded reckonings? I don't know any....well....

Yup.  At least one of the likely BPD/Ns in my life has.  Skinnied right through it, while finger pointing, and spewing terrible, egregiously untrue lies about those who knew who they truly are.  What they've done....will always do.

Peck's book, People Of The Lie, comes to mind.....people with powerful and destructive narratives they pathologically can't see beyond, or even fathom, IME. 

All that energy, spent destroying/trying to destroy truth tellers and their  credibility....when it would have taken a fraction of time, to self reflect, and apologize, but....
was never an option.

Acceptance......some people are pathologically unable to self reflect and/or apologize.  Unable to consider their part in ANYTHING at all. That's a really hard pill to swallow, when children/FOO are involved ...in any direction. 

One adopts the PD'svnarrative, to remain in that chaotic orbit, or one detonates a bomb/series of escalating bombs, and that can feel like a never ending abyss, IME. 

Ack, thinking about that flipped my stomach, and took my breath away.  Esp for a child/grown child to face.  So so so sad.  For a parent to face. That bond, as it is, as it was dreamed of, and all the points in between.

My youngest still yanks me around....a bit.  Reminding me of all the times I had no resources to consider her opinions, so she made herself small and helpful and no trouble, as long as she could. I know when it's connected to that trauma, bc she's reactive, with overblown opposing opinions and judments......reminding me to be so very proactive....to gently consider her and her feelings, well ahead, of decisions involving her.  We're catching up, and it's been so painful, but healing. Worth the pain, definitely.

Therapy, for me, means I'm less reactive, more responsive....able to see what's really there. Self reflect, ouch, and take ownership.

I can't imagine, facing that abyss, without a trusted T's guidance.  Avoiding dead ends and scenic routes, IME.  Keeping things moving......keeping focus.

People go from one distraction to another, avoiding their pain.  It's how humans are wired. 

My avoidance informs how difficult it must be for those, with coping strategies, denying any and all fault, ime.

 I believed everything is my fault.....so ...a more expedient path through dark nights of the soul, IME.   Increases the amount of information coming in, and possibility to internalize, at least pieces, IME.

Lighter