Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Amber. I soaked a lot of the wisdom in your post,
and will be reading it again.

Thank you for your insights.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Early morning walk with baby girl pug.  She's pretty calm these days.  Listens most of the time. People, who knows her, seem surprised, but she's 11yo now.  12?

Passed nice neighbor's house.....had feelings about leaving her, sweeping her driveway, with a broom, as DD23 and I drove off to an amazing free Indian lunch downtown. The restaurant's way if showing gratitude to locals for supporting them through Covid and Helene.  I didn't invite nice neighbor, bc DD was tired and wanted it to just be us. My heart wanted to invite her.  I'm auto choosing my girls now.

Passed retired nurse's house ....feelings popped up around 2 bothersome truths.  I let it go....thought about the bats flying through streetlight around 8pm hour lately, which I adore.....as I walked by cowboy's house.  Felt nothing about them.....just knew...... they're lives are too complicated to brush against.  I have an invisible barrier, these days.

Walked by elderly neighbor's nice blue house....they really cared about, and worked on their yard....tried so hard.  Not anymore.  The SonIL flies around, on their riding mower.....you can tell he hates it.....is screaming through it....just getting it over with, bc his FIL is in hospice....MIL has Alzheimer's.....is like a child.  I think an unkind thought about retired nurse....her gossiping..... pettiness. 

I walk by cowboy's son and DIL's house....their son is now 2yo.  I haven't spent any time with her.  Not really.  There's some regret, bc...I....am confused about the why, truthfully.  What would we talk about?  I picture her sharing suspicions about her dh's sexuality.....and am reminded.... I'm a terrible liar.  I don't want to see her face, look in her eyes, see that confusion.  For me, it's straightforward reality.  This or that or compromise.  Ignore/pretend, blow everything up or stay, knowing the truth.  I don't want to know her mind on this.  I don't want to share mine. I'm unwilling to subject myself to her beliefs around such things.  I'm impatient with people's prejudices....and lying.......and with repeated mistakes, I'm way too familiar with, myself.  It feels completed for me.  One learns the hard way.  That's the way of these things.  Not my rule.


We pass the rental house..... who's elderly owners sold without putting a for sale sign up.  My father pops up, behind my eyes, and says "rat fockers." True, but prefer to say they were terrible neighbors who were not capable of being friends....to anyone.

Another street light....thinking about bats and bugs again.....think unkind thought about retired nurse's eventual funeral....."she wan enabler if creepy men to stalk her female neighbors.

:: immediately spill coffee on poop bag::.

I don't like being sticky or wasteful.  I keep, and use the bag, getting sticky in both hands.

Back towards home and I imagine the gentle cadence of the morning with a loved one in hospice......
with a 2yo.....and how every interaction, with my girls, now feels like reaching back and touching lost moments from their childhoods...connecting.....filling in blanks.  Not sure what the cost will be ....if any, but it's a sacred thing.... I view it with curiosity. 

Yesterday morning, I made a yummy chicken salad samich for DD24...she had an early exam.  She planned to have breakfast with her bf, but instead chose my sandwich.  Hugged me from behind and said "I love you" first.  It's always me....always been me, saying it first. It brought tears to my eyes.....
I held that moment....so precious.

I'll take that moment.....and DD24....DD at all ages, to the tomato garden...the bonfire, the swing set and dance with all the younger Lighters....the Amazons.........and Aunty P....loving us.......herself.....joining.....delighting in the joyful chatter and celebration of being in this world....awake and curious about what comes next.

Therapist leans towards my teaching/advocating.....still....
  I remind her.... I'm not as saintly or, perhaps resilient as she is.  She shared a bit about the struggle of facing so much darkness....guarding her self energy.

I can feel my DIM layers falling away.  Or maybe I'm rising up. Leaving them below?  They're going. Is all I know.  I'm not more brittle, surprisingly.  I'm standing in clarity....feels more .  Trusting what I see without denial, ignorance and minimization....well.  With much less....sometimes zero. 

I step around so many things.... automatically.....I used to step into.

I have less time.  I have more understanding of what I see.  It's an easy thing. Comparatively speaking.....
clarity.....
knowing.

Right now.....the mission is healing and teaching my girls.....in this short window remaining......while they're exploring, choosing, learning, considering, trying on adulthood, inhabiting it ....losing their footing, gaining it back, etc.

When family is here....after Halloween....during..... I'll hunker down on the lake project.  Not worrying about it.

Ungenerous thoughts cross my mind about familial interpersonal terrorists.....I choose compassion and hope karma didn't notice the bobble.

Contractor will be here soon.....maybe. If it's not raining, at his house, where a transmission awaits his attention.

He's waiting for his luck to change.  One vehicle needs a transmission.  He hit a yearling bear, lightly, but at the expense if their other truck, which is in the shop.....wondering, out loud, what he did to deserve his karma. And I can tell ....he believes. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Pug washed. Nails clipped. Butt done.  She's fluffy and smells so clean.  Luxuriates under belly rubs, just now.

I started the dishwasher.... contemplating my love if Dawn and freezer baggies.....giving them up for bee wax covered fabric storage wraps and whatever cleaners won't poison us or the earth....think about that ......think about asking girls if they plan on having kids, bc the earth kicking humans into extinction wouldn't be a bad thing....for the earth, imo.

I guess that's my auto advocate checking in.  I'm relieved to finally glimpse her, though not entirely feeling proud about choosing Dawn and plastic over saving the earth for humans.....as though I have that choice.  I do. But it's the top 10 industrial polluters who will decide.  Not those of us recycling and repurposing, buying used....likely. Likely?  Ya.  Likely.

DD23 still experiencing depression....we saw Dr. Mr. Man yesterday.  He invited her to a 5 star South African safari....and she blushed and said no thank you.  It's so odd to pretend, in his presence.  It's all pretend....I actually seal my lips shut through most of the appointment.

It's been awhile, so he was less....himself, but there's some spectrum involvement....and male weakness.  Beautiful women become accustomed to looking into the distance, to allow the innapropriate male gaze, as habit....and DD23 and I do it on her behalf.  Not mine, certainly.  It's no longer second nature.  It's a chore.... bothersome.....I want to bounce in my seat and make the appt go faster... Skip some of the rituals....the obligatory nodding and noises of awe and agreement, blah blah blah.

DD23 feels absolutely the same....but also sees the value in finding causes now, vs down the road.  Addressing them. 

He did two manual adjustments, the second for the cold she's now fighting.....I listened.  Didn't watch. 

DNA testing is likely .... Maybe with him....genomes..... and unlocking positive gene expressions while limiting the negative.

Again, doc said, out loud, DD is his favorite patient.....and it's clear, she is.  Enduring his stated reason why was ....almost unbearable. 

Will touch base in a month.....will have decisions about moving forward with him. Or not.  DD23 will choose. 

Releasing outcome is getting easier.  Smoother.....less about choosing.  More about shifting on auto.....is better.

Freeing up all the angsty energy is....well.  Not sure what it is, yet.

I made fresh chicken salad and put a pot if bone broth on for 24 hours.  The house smells amazing.

All pug accoutrement is out, in the floor, on the dr table, awaiting the purge.  The laundry closet already had one....as did my, now very,  organized tools.

So many things to edit and organize....will be easier with acceptance and releasing outcome in board....well.....more fully on board, and stepping up reliably.

This house has so many great closets.  They feel like completed puzzles....in need of taking apart, throwing out the unnecessary pieces.....and putting back together again.  Overwhelming if I think about them all at once.

The exterior looking good....will try to unclog some underground drain lines for gutters today, as pressure washer is together now.

Contractor here now ...calling people he's putting off.....as he works.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I feel ......like going faster, finishing sooner......sending him on his way, yup yup yup.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Awww, (((((Lighter))))).

I hear so much hyper-vigilance in this, and it is moving.

I wish so much that you felt LESS responsible for every experience. Not just your DDs', but your neighbors', your contractors', your passing acquaintances', your family members'.

I just saw it. And I think you're paying debts for everyone around you, all the time.

I so wish for you an IAMGOOD or IAMFORGIVEN or IAMLOVED or IAMHERE kind of mantra.

No more frantic purpose-proving, iow. You are here. You deserve acceptance (from you). You deserve peace.

lots of love,
Hops

[lighter]

I'm working on it, (Hops.)

I guess.....
I'm learning, it all, the hard way.

Thanks for your care.... and your input.

Light

[lighter]

DD24 made smash burgers, last night, while DD23 made loaded baked potato soup with green onions, cheddar cheese and bacon toppings. Both were super delicious, and we have soup for the week.

We watched a new American anime pilot called The Knights of Guinevere. DD23 planning a costume, for it, as we speak. It was surprisingly good.

I glued teeth on 7 clown heads last night.... they're so scary! 

Will be doing dolls and stuffed animals next.  Every year we up our Halloween game.

It's October!!!!!! Sunny. Breezy. Cool. YES!

[lighter]

My cousin's stbx menaced their college aged DD yesterday.  DD lost her keys, so cousin dropped her off a block from the house, where stbx is living alone.

Stbx chased her, while demanding her mother appear....he chased her into a neighbor's home....she felt threatened enough to pick up a copper pipe to defend herself.  The neighbor forced stbx out of his home, and stbx ran to the street, screaming for cousin.

When DD looked, back at the house, as she ran away, stbx was on his back, no shirt, red pants in the driveway....a bit in the street.

Cousin going to ask a Judge for whatever protections she can get for herself and both grown children.

Last weekend stbx took a Vietnamese woman to church, introducing her as his soon to be wife.  She wore an engagement ring, and his DD needs new tires.

Priorities@@