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Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
From The DailyOM - I'm really resonating with this right now. It sounds like you are too, Tupp.
Creating a Beautiful Home
BY MADISYN TAYLOR
Our loving intentions can easily transform the space in which we live.
The homes we occupy are seldom ideal. A space that satisfies our basic needs may nonetheless leave us wanting where location, décor, or style are concerned. Yet every home has the potential to be beautiful. When we fill our homes with love, we transcend worldly factors such as market value and design. Our conscious, loving intentions can transform the spaces in which we live, dispelling any lingering unharmonious energy and replacing it with an ethereal beauty that is felt rather than seen. Our homes become spiritual dwellings that feel soulful and alive. Regardless of their outward appearances, they radiate love, making all who enter, including ourselves, feel instantly welcome.
Turning a space into the beautiful outward expression of your inner warmth is as easy as projecting love into it. When your intentions are sincere, you can infuse the walls of your home with your energy, your emotional sensitivity, and your generosity of spirit, turning it into a haven of affection, joy, laughter, and togetherness. It is up to you, whether you want your personal spaces to be peaceful and quiet or lively and inspiring. Begin by cultivating awareness within yourself. This will allow you to see your home as an integral part of your existence rather than somewhere you simply return to at the end of each day. Consider how you relate to each element of your space, and remind yourself that every room in your home can serve a purpose in your life and the lives of your loved ones. Finally, lovingly thank each room for providing for your needs. As you become more mindful of the manner in which your home contributes to your well-being, you will discover that, more and more, you want to love and be loved by it.
Appearance and other superficial qualities can be deceiving. An aesthetically beautiful home can prove unwelcoming. And a home that seems mundane in every characteristic can be as comforting and cozy as a beloved relative or friend. When you nurture and care for your home as if it were a loved one, it will absorb your tender intentions and project a love so touching you will soon come to feel a great affection for it.
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bean2:
I tried breathing...and counting my breaths...and being mindful. Letting my thoughts flit around and settle on whatever it was I was stewing over that moment.... My mindfulness state is about 30 seconds max :(
phew, that is a lot of work!
Does anyone practice this daily? I am struggling to form the habit and wonder if there are any tricks to getting started?
I also am thinking a lot about Pia Mellody's "negative control" and "resentment" as symptoms of codependence. I can definetely see these traits in myself (and realize that after going through therapy I have decreased both tremendously). But aren't these symptoms more prevalent in the Narcissistic rather than the Codependent? Especially the Resentment, which manifests itself as Anger at the smallest slight. One of the red flags to me has always been that an N shows you who they are when they so easily get angry, and hang onto resentment, and it is disproportinate to whatever you have said or done. They will gaslight you with their anger, making you crazy (if you are codependent), such that you are months later stills scanning your memory for What exactly You did to Anger them. Of course, nothing. ugh
I was also wondering about the rage that the N feels when you cut off their N supply.
Moving on from N abuse seems almost difficult if not impossible for a Codependent. Just my random thoughts after several months of being cutoff from my N stepdaughter...
bean
sKePTiKal:
Hmmmmm. Bean, interesting question.
I think what the N experiences isn't resentment - because they are convinced they're all powerful. While the co-dependent does experience resentment, and it builds up to explosion over petty things - just because of soft boundaries, refusing to say "no" sooner, and some learned helplessness/powerlessness.
Don't forget - an N will set up a doublebind so you're damned if you do; damned if you don't - and it discourages many people from feeling it's possible to even TRY to change things in the relationship or break the cycle. So resentment builds.
Yeah, N's get angry when they're ignored, dismissed out of hand, or laughed at. That's mortal sin in the N-system/worldview. (When they themselves are considered the only world that matters... LOL.) An N will pay lip service to the idea that there is a world outside of themselves, and play the intellectual social games of pretending to care - but at the root - they are the only thing that matters.
bean2:
sKePTiKal,
Thanks for the response.
Ya...I was thinking about the resentment my N stepdaughter felt last Thanksgiving. First, she wanted no one to be invited except her and her sister, my husband and I (and their 4 young kids). My parents, my uncle and his girlfriend, my husband's nephew, wife and his kids - not invited.
So the stepdaughters showed up 4 hours apart. The codependent one an hour early, the N one three hours late, as usual. When the N stepdaughter got to our house, the conversation immediately changed to her biological mother (my husband's ex) and how horrible she is.
The anger and resentment was so strong. But, you're right, that is more petty crap, when you just talk bad about everyone who is not in the room at the time.
She also cried before her baby shower (it was after Thanksgiving) because her biological mother called and cancelled at the last minute. The bio mom rarely comes to any events, and no one was expecting her to show up (except my N stepdaughter). Again, the hurt and anger about being ashamed one's own mother did not show up to her daughter's shower... Her and her sister proceeded to call everyone a "bitch" and I'm sure I was included in that too, behind my back of course.
My stepdaughters are always taking the crap with their own mom out on me, it seems. I really need to stop being their punching bag. How do you say to someone "stop talking crap about me behind my back?!" or do you just say nothing, walk away, find other kids to befriend, and hope they have a nice life?
bean
sKePTiKal:
Well... I was speaking generally. Your situation sounds a lot more complex than that... but then real life relationships are like that. It would take awhile to get up to speed, it sounds like.
But, for you... I say, with no expertise just experience... that if I were you, I'd decide to let them go do what they do and try to stay in a calm peaceful place about it all. It's certainly not your job to raise them; they sound old enough it's a bit too late for that. And as far as including them in family events... well, you know what they're likely to bring so why feel obligated? That's probably gonna require a long talk with Dad about it though... and compromises.
Does he back you up? Stand up for you when they're being obnoxious drama queens?
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