Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Mouse:

Processing teams emotions rattling around and around is where happiness and less reactivity began for me. 

You're so right about emotions behind the reactivity.  They are messengers.  They tell us something needs our attention....needs tending to, yup yup yup.

Lately it's like turning channels.  I'll see something....a picture or person maybe.  A connected memory pops up.  I examine it and decide if it's useful or positive.  It feels like turning the channel if I don't want to go there emotionally. 

Since I'm going through photos and so many things at the lake....it happens all the time.  It feels like....

"Oh....that's a rabbit hole....I don't want....to go down."

I change the channel back to what I was doing.  I also notice how familiar going down the rabbit hole is....going deeper would be so easy, but I'm doing other things.

It doesn't mean I won't ever choose a rabbit hole.  It means I have choice.  It usually means I resist judging myself whatever choice I make.  Mostly I choose staying present in the moment.  It's more joyful.  Lots if relief.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Loved your post from the 7th, Lighter. Sounds so clear and positive and joyful. Also your understanding of how strong and capable your daughters are...what a wonderful accomplishment. I can imagine the joy and comfort of seeing their strengths just get stronger. Bravo to all-a y'all!

And young DD's description of a pug is the definition that should be everywhere. Hilarious and also accurate! Older DD is in crunch mode and sounds like she's doing amazingly well.

It's nice to hear you enjoying male company in a playful way that's contagious. Bet they love working for/with you, and no sign of anybody toxic the way there was on the island. Maybe you're modifying that energy so there's no confusion. Again bravo!

I've not been posting reaction but have been thinking about some of the things you say about labels and judgements, etc. They're valuable. You sound very liberated.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.  I'm feeling pretty liberated.

About " modifying" my energy.....
Hmmmm.

I think I'm more exuberant, less guarded/ deeply dour, for sure.  That's likely not what you expected, but there it is, particularly as it relates to the contractor.

The unstable C's energy shut me down.

So, I guess you could say I've taken my energy out of restrictive, abrasive and barely controlled smoking frustration and dressed it in lightweight floral cotton happiness. Whatever I come across....whatever I attract, I'll be proactive about ending troublsome connection where I have choice.

 I remember living like this every day in my thirties.

My restored ability to respond is more important, imo, than what I dress my energy in.  I trust I'll keep myself safe.

I like your choice of the word liberated.  It feels right, Hops.

Yes: )



Lighter

[Twoapenny]

It's great that life is treating you so much better, Lighter.  It's lovely to read about 'floral cotton happiness'.  Long may it continue xx

[lighter]

My sibs and I were planning a powwow over lake house decisions....for Friday.

At 5pm Friday our beloved Stepfather of 30+ years, and most actively involved Grandfather to out children, passed away unexpectedly, then my niece was run over by a car, soon after, as she was riding a bike.  She said she saw the tire roll over her knee, but was able to get up and walk....the driver would have driven away if she didn't say, "you ran over me."  He drove her and the bent bike to her apartment and left his contact info, saying he was late to train someone at the gym.

We're shaken up...oldest DD broke down at work yesterday and drove into the driveway as youngest and I were getting out if house together.

We went to a nearby park and told stories about Papa C....we laughed and laughed, but lots of sadness and pricessing going on still.

I worked in yard for a few hours when we got back home.  We'll hold a memorial service ourselves soon.  For Papa C and everyone we've lost.

Youngest doesn't like fires, so will have to find something we agree on.

Same with the lake house and sibs. More important we agree, but I'd like it make sense in my head.

So you know, PC had pneumonia and passed after a routine fluid removal at the hospital.  No mention of Covid.  I pictured my mother sitting on his bed, happily taking his hand and zooming him into the light, laughing like children.

I was so relieved he didn't linger and suffer in any way.  I told him how I felt about him.  I sent long letters, leaving nothing out.  I reached out when I needed his voice. 

I realize I'm sad for myself and girls....I hope Papa made peace with his daughters.  He was closer to us and I'm sure there was pain and distance to be mended in the 7 years since my mother passed.

I don't feel like gardening right now.  I'm happy to tend moss, beaten up borders and pick up never-ending sticks. 

My neighbors are planting in haybales this year...no bending for post op friend.

I'm distancing from the husband neighbors.  Their wives have become friends....theyre sort if opposites.  I'm nothing like either if them....have more in common with the husbands, but it's feeling a little off.

I withdraw when things feel weird and have comfort in choosing self care right now.

My niece's knee should be fine.  Apparently mist of the car weight was on the 3 tires NOT on her knee, which is scuffed, swollen and bruised, but unbroken.

This is the second bike accident in a month.  She almost broke hercwrust when a dumpster blew into her on a windy day.

THIS child needs to Uber her final days of University, IMO.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry about your loss of your Papa C, Lighter. So clearly he was a source of love and comfort in your and your daughters' lives. Glad it was swift but that's tough on survivors, but you also held nothing back. I'm sure he knew he was well loved.

I hope the floral cotton happiness returns soon, in its time. (I too loved that image.)

Your sense of humor's still with you...Uber for kneeice sounds like a good idea!

hugs and comfort,
Hops

PS I think your energy's just great. Creepy contractor would've shut me down too!

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I guess I'm not the only person that has a bunch things happen all once. (knock on wood - not lately!) You don't sound like it's threatening to overwhelm you, so that's good.

I'm so sorry to hear about your PapaC.

If it ever stops raining, I can manage a bonfire for ya here.

[Twoapenny]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Lighter, so tough for all of you, although I'm glad for you that he didn't suffer and all was relatively comfortable.  Small comforts to be taken when we lose people we love.  Sorry for your niece as well!  I no longer cycle on roads; I just find the amount of traffic too much and drivers so often miss cyclists when they check their mirrors and just knock them down.  I used to cycle a lot when younger, around the city I lived in at the time but even that seemed to be quieter and less dangerous than it is now.  I hope she's okay and that the bike's repairable.  Glad you've got the moss there for stress free gardening to ease the mind xx

[lighter]

So, I'm focusing on deeper acceptance, of what is, without judgment or resistance.

Recent reactivity gifted me with opportunity to explore what's beneath it.

I was pretty upset...going in circles....upset till I really looked at it. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt....enough rope to hang themselves is something I can stop doing.  I don't have to give anyone anything and that feels like wind blowing through my entire being.

I may pick and choose who I spend time with.  No more letting people take up my time.  No more expectations for them at all.

Just what is.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm glad about the wind, Lighter.
It sounds as though you just released a layer of over-responsibility.

So glad for you, you are processing this wisely. No craziness, just seeing.

Hate that you're alone but really liked what Amber said about knowing when you'll be ready.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I ignored text from YG yesterday.  He sent a photo of rocks pleasantly arranged like flowers in dirt.

He hasn't come near the house, instead walking past our street instead of down it and pasp my house. 

Youngest dd18 and I saw him go by yesterday morning without comment.

She's alert to male voices now.  If she thinks she hears one she's down the stairs, calling for me, prepared to run interference, which is a little sad, but....
She's stepping up, as equal grown adult, by my side.....no longer requires protection.  She's learned how to protect and be protective...on my team, I guess.  I'm on hers.  It's good.  I think the fact I'd rather crush my ankle than BE IN this situation is at once very funny to her, but also...
ticking her off, bc she has the same fine tuned need for justice.

Back to YG.  He walked by our street in afternoon yesterday while I was walking neighbor's trash cans up their drive.  The pug barked like mad, giving away YG's position....his arm shot up in a wave when he saw me look.  I waved once while turning back to the cans, dropping my head and eyes.  Busy busy busy, I am.  Just, always will be AND I'm covered up, going in many directions now....dealing with important issues.

Too busy to answer his call this morning....he typically doesn't call at all, but I'm sure he's worried about explaining his complete withdrawal from his typical routine.  To be fair, he walked this route when prior occupants owned this house.  It wasn't my presence or arrival kicking off his walking habits or routes.  He's walked this way for 25 years.  It wasn't my milkshake bringing him to my yard.

So, he's in a pickle.

I....
am not.

Serenity restored.  Even if he walks this way again, he can't upset my headspace now I've calmed myself and tended to the reactivity.

One step further, I've arranged to borrow elderly neighbor's ruding lawn mower to cut grass at the head of the trail...only small part is mine, but it needs cutting and YG was doing it, bc...."it was snakey" according to him. 

I agree with him there.

Lighter
P.S.  Once I wrapped my mind around him walking me miles into the woods then springing innapropriate personal and insane things on me.....I got pretty focused on what, exactly, happened between us and how I feel about it.  Not cool, 6'4" YG.  Not cool at all.

[Hopalong]

I hope he soon no longer takes up any real estate in your head, (((((Lighter))))).

Hope too that you screen and stop taking his calls. Or better, just block his number. Why the pretense of superficial neighborliness? That contract's over. Needs no justification. If it becomes necessary you can directly state: "Please do not call me again." If that's ignored, you know the steps.

One might be, if you want to involve his wife, to tell her his attention is unwelcome. But that might be a hornet's nest. I think you're doing the right thing with avoidance, as long as you don't begin to feel like a hostage. Boundaries, you're on it now.

Hopefully that's the end of it. No drama or intrigue or walk-route analysis....that's letting him take up your head space.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Last night dd18 and I were finishing organizing pristine bathroom....putting down clean, round, white cotton rugs, organizing counter stuff....squatty potty wioed down, back in place when dd20 calls out "MOM MOM MOM" in her repetitive worried voice leaving me to ask if she has a broken bone?  She's silent.  I ask if she's ok.  She responds again with MOM!"

I panic, run into the dark hall and kick a wrapping paper tupperware....bang!  Then it tumbles loudly down the stairs, baby babgbangbang BANG buhbang bang bang.

From there I see dd20's face, which looks stricken....something IS WRONG my brain screams as I go straight to her instead if telling dd18 I'm fine, which used to be the rule when they were small.  Simply sing out "I'm fine" if you make a bang, etc.

After I put my face against a dark window, to see what dd20 said was banging around in the outdoor shower outside my bathroom windiw, MY heart is racing too.  My amygdala gas been activated.  I go to turn on porch lights chatting about possums, but DD doesn't think it's a possum.....I wonder why? 

By this time....I'm standing on one if the long benches on the porch, peering into the shower, trying to find whatever is there when dd18 says she thought I fell down the stairs.
I explain it was the tall Tupperware I kicked accidentally in the dark rush to get to dd20.

Dd18 says it's not a possum, bc it was thumping....not rattling leaves.

We move into the kutchen.....
Me:  What do you think was in the shower?
Dd20:  Yelly Guy neighbor.
My heart falls...
Dd18:  The thumping was Mom and me in the bathroom above the shower and we thought you were really hurt.  Why can't you just say you aren't injured, there's no bone poking out your ankle, etc?
We are giggling and super relieved by this point, but also a bit frustrated dd20 becomes nonverbal past 1 syllable sounds and our makes, repeated, when she needs something, falls, hurts herself.  We just assume it's bad, bc.....it must be bad if it renders dd20 unable to speak and she recently turned her ankle.  I found her at the bottom of the stairs sobbung quietly, wondering if she broke her ankle.  It took many minutes to figure that out, Lord give me patience.  I never yell or rage, but I get intense, which doesn't help her calm down.

So, still in the kitchen, Dd20 says: I thought you kicked the container down the stairs bc you were raging at me.
My heart breaks.
We're still laughing, but Darn it..that's a series if unfortunate events stemming from....all 3 of us having our radar up, bc... YellieGuy.

It has me thinkung about our culture, how having an unlicenced (single) va j j, or licenced one, confines and narrows the world for women.

How one allows it, buys into the myths and judgments and stories, which I'm not happy or comfortable with.

I have 2 bathrooms to renovate here soon, gutterwirk and the bathroom renovation at the lake starting the end if the month.

I truly resent the idiot idea I can't be around...
I resent being blamed and told what I must do to avoid dealing with foolish make behavior. 

I've been told to lie and claim I have a bf.
No texting with married men.😳  I text and email and call contractors, go on supply runs and swing hammers.....I
Mind
My
Own
GD
Business is what I do.

It's not my character flaws.

It's not about the unlicensed VJJ either.
I shouldn't have to create myths about who and what my "status" is.  It's none of their business, quite frankly and I don't share my personal stuff.

I'm going to be very matter if fact with shutting down anything personal.  What I can't control is what info other people give out about me.  I realize there's a bit if reactivity around THAT. 

I get on well with the lake contractor who adores his wife.  Showed me a picture.  Chatted happily about her job and his adoration for her..  I like that.

I BELIEVE that. 

My gut KNOWS.

More listening to it.

Less listening to other people.

DD20 wants me to teach her to change her own oil and check it.

I was thinking....maybe we can do the bulk if our bathroom renos and have plumber/tile guy to do/teach us what we aren't comfortable doing?

I am SO over the limits I'm exami,ing and throwing off, even as I write this.

Comfort with boundary setting us imperative.  I see that now.

So is modeling that for my girls.

Who says I have to be pleasing, make things go smoothly and always make others feel giid at my expense?

I have a friend.....known her for 20 years.  I used to resent her personal style...she didn't do the above.  I resented it at times.  Didn't appreciate her perspective.  Was uncomfortable around her lack of people pleasing, really.

At a point, that flipped....she married a real nice guy, BUT he sees women as helpless.  My friend demurred to him, enjoyed him doing things around the house.

For me....I was going through the trials and not enjoying being told I couldn't demolish built ins and take them out if their upper story bedroom myself, or caulk basic things or paint their kitchen, etc.

I mean, I did all those things, but it was like pulling teeth to get friend's h' permission to carry on with whatever task on their list I could DO, but was blocked over and over AND there was upset and his feelings were hurt, etc.

I tried to demure, but I had limited time.....fruend was upset her dh was moving so slowly, not finishing projects.

I saw how torn she was over the pleasure of being treated like a porcelain doll (which she IS not, btw.)  She's a martial Arts pal..and being a strong, competent woman in realms NOT strictly designated as female.

It rubbed up against the H' idea of manhood and duty....of prescribed social roles.  Unfortunate, but not my problem and obviously I was there, bc my friend wanted me there, asked for help but also was caught in....
In what?

It appeared to be a double bind.  If she/we tackled manly man projects....would her dh stop cherishing her?  Would the marriage sour in butthurt sullen male retaliation?

That was the problem or felt like it.

I'm pretty short on patience for being told what my role us, what I can abd can't do, particularly when it comes to necessary, normal things I CAN do easily or learn to do.

And.....
This is the real Pebble right now....
What is my part in the limits, believing in the limits, buying into them, living and teachong them to my children?

And I want to say....
I've been that strong woman piping up, explaining in plain terms there would be no serious romantic ties or sex right up front, bc....
Aversion to chaos and drama.

But that's quite the assumption and there's drama in being proactive and honest too...whoo boy.  That was both my marriages, frankly.

But the contractors and married neighbors.  I'm choosing to ask my gut proactively if this person will be a nightmare and just pass. 

What does that look like with a contractor?  I don't hire him.  Straightforward enough.

With neighbors......it's back to what I learned in the book THE GIFT OF FEAR BY Gavin Dr Becker.

Men who wont5accept your NO are men who can't be trusted.  If they try to change your NO into a YES.....any NO...that's a red flag.

The sliding into your life, through other people and their proximity is more difficult.  Expressing interest in shared pets and yard projects, sharing helpful information I didn't ask for.....only half listen to, bc....
I'm busyminding my own business.

I'm tweaking my boundaries and also my style for erecting same.

How I stand up to disappointment or shrink away from it in order to keep my serenity in tact.

I have to accept I have to disrupt in order to sustain lasting serenity.  Allowing a boundary breach, to keep short term peace, is a mistake, ime.

Learning to roll with the manipulative upset of a man, or any person I don't agree with, is uncomfortable, but I'm leaning hard into acceptance just at the moment.

I'm curious just what that looks like with YG neighbor, bc I'm done living on alert and watching my girls live on alert.

Will be pondering that during meditation today.  I'm in a cleaning/ organizing mode, which is why the loud bouncy container was in the hallway.

I don't have the energy or time for these manufactured cultural stiries imposed on me and my " behavior" with regard to how people behave.

It's on them. Not me.  I can't control them with my behavior and it's insane to try.  I know that.  It's truth extraordinaire.  Is that a word?  Not sure, but I do have clarity about what's mine and what's not.

The journey continues.

Lighter









 

[Hopalong]

Phenomenal, righteous rant, Lighter.
I couldn't agree more.

Have this picture of you occasionally caught in a web of roles and charades and expectations, but you're scything your way out, insight by insight. Good for you.

These days, I'm into thinking (telling myself): SPEAK. Doesn't even have to be complicated. Like, when some guy starts leaning into what our guts tell us (if we're listening) are personal spaces or toying-with-vibes spaces that feel uneasy or "off" in some way--or using their own out-of-bounds personal confidences to subtly pull us closer...what can we say? Up front?

I haven't always known. But I've always had a gut sense and waaaaaay too often, have over-ridden it because I was lonely and wanted attention. Zero shame in that. I just didn't find healthy ways of coping with those needs for a long time, and still make mistakes (some big ones, like M) because I forget to be intentional and as conscious as I can.

Probably the issue is less what we'd say to them, more what (kindly and calmly) we say to ourselves. NOT berating ourselves for being strong women in a very sexist culture. Being our own kind friends.

It IS infuriating to have to manage (iow, suppress) ourselves and our natural behavior in some instances because the male takes no responsibility, and centuries of sexism are so baked in it's nearly impossible to imagine a man motivated enough to take feminism seriously and be willing to examine the water he swims in -- male privilege. It distorts it all, and I find it miraculous when I can love a man in spite of it. Still do love men but if they had any IDEA how much they take for granted....

I'm sure somewhere out there is some young male feminist who'd be my soulmate if he were, say, 40-50 years older.... I'll just enjoy that in the few young men of Millenial age who are SO much more comfortable seeing women without the games. It's coming but I'm sorry I missed the changing of the era. Men my age that evolved would be rarer than hen's teeth.

You're doing some really positive and rational thinking about all this, imo, despite the trauma-drama triggers. I'm glad you're working to empower your DDs, too. I'm benefitting from your stories and appreciate your sharing your journey.

Gavin de Becker is a phenomenon. He has probably saved many lives.

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

((((((Lighter)))))))))

You don't need to change who you are.  Neighbour is an arsehole, showed his real arsehole colours (yes!  walking alone with a woman in a secluded area, then announcing his 'feelings' - first class arsehole behaviour).  You dealt with him - shouldn't have needed to but some people are what they are and we can't avoid that unless we never speak to another human again - and he's ended.  He can take his arseholiness elsewhere.  Contractor guy was a whole other level of basket case but you dealt with him, too.  Again, wrong that you had to, and I think it's natural in any situation to see examine what we did to see if we could do something differently to avoid it.  But really, it's very difficult to avoid any bad thing that may occur and I personally don't want to feel constantly afraid that something dreadful is about to happen.  It's unfortunate that you are put in situations where an arse kicking is required but you are a first rate arse kicker and what you've taught your girls is that there's a line in the sand that you decide on and, if someone crosses that line, they are dealt with quickly and firmly.  It would be nice to live in a world where there is no need for lines, but until we do, it is just something that we all have to deal with from time to time, as unfortunate as that is.  And you do it so well.

My own perspective at the moment is that all of my relationships, male and female, casual and not so casual, need to be examined, because I keep finding a lot of people taking up my time when I don't want them to.  And whether it's a neighbour who wants to have a chat (or share their weird sexual fantasy with me), a friend who only rings when they want something, my mother deciding after all these years she can send a card that simply expresses a good wish rather than a nasty one - I am trying to ask myself, do I want to speak to this person?  Was this my plan for the next ten minutes/hour/fortnight?  Is the time spent with them likely to benefit me at all?  And I am trying to be more - discerning? that might be the word - about who I allow in to my headspace.

I think my endless ranting about 'crap men' largely stems from the kind of thing you mention seeing in your friend - this immediate, almost knee jerk reaction in so many women I know to prioritise their partner's feelings, wants, needs, desires, ambition above their own, all the time.  And I think that perhaps that what starts as a small thing - and we all need to compromise and give and take a bit in a relationship - such as watching his choice of film, or going to his work do instead of your friend's birthday party, or letting him do something you don't need him to do because it makes him feel useful - can quietly build up into a whole life being taken over by someone else's needs.  I see it happen again and again and it does drive me a bit nuts.  So yes to being you, doing what you do, teaching your girls to do the same and no to stupid, annoying people who just need to practise being weird somewhere else xx