Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Therapist sent timely podcast this morning....
Transcending Our Stories by Eckhart Tolle. I'm stretching to now after warming muscles up....a new daily routine I'll resist judging; )
I'll respond to your thoughtful post later, Hops.
Lighter
lighter:
I'm cathching different things as I listen to Eckhart Tolle's podcast TRANSCENDING OUR STORIES o Essential Teachings.....
it feels like I'm finally hearing what I used to think of as "the secrets" frustrating me beyond my ability to foicus and sit ;quietly to reflect or "meditate" when I tried 16 years ago. I felt blocked and tricked and unable to get to the meat of the thing.... the essence, the thing behind the mystery. It was always mystery, no matter how many minutes I focused on it. Seems funny now, to believe I could pick up concepts quickly, like color theory.
Anyhoo..... Tolle explains how knowing something and wanting to share that knowledge in helpful ways is different than knowing and ALSO holding space to not know everything in the moments one is present with others. Particularly in the therapeutic realm..... therapists who have no ability to hold space and just listen, without waiting to shove their lessons and knowledge down a client's gullet, despite their ability to hear or receive or NOT feel herded and forced when all they're capable of is being in that space without being told what to do, think or feel, bc they've had a life of it there's a consistent trauma response the T can't or won't pick up on, evevn as they continue to repeat the cycle until they know, without understanding..... that lesson of including spaciousness and knowing whle also not knowing.
I guess I used to think of it as not having expectations in the the therapeutic relationship with my T.... she didn't care if I understood what she was sharing.... she simply accepted I wasn't going to hear her or get that lesson the way she was sharing it....and she'd pivot which is the benefit of having toolbox filled with ample tools to choose from.
And so.... I think that's what's shifted with my children ....... I have shifted away from what I know and into a space where I'm also holding not knowing....... there's space for not knowing.
Feeeling I have an answer I MUST share feels very constricted and constricting..... it just does. Waiting to share it feels heavy.
My pulling back and allowing loved ones to deal with their conseuqnces isn't ME giving up on them. It's me providing the spaciousness to make mistakes and grow through them, which seems so wise NOW, but felt like something else for a very long time. When Bill died I felt as though I'd be leaving my young child in the street, alone and vulnerable, if I didn't give up myself to ease his suffering in dying. It was a mistake and I see now, how giving up myself wasn't necessary. I see how I perceived the situation and my feelings was problematic.
A small example of how my unconscious tends to run in the background....... I walk a lot. I pick up trash often, but not always, bc sometimes I don't want to touch other people's poop bags OR I don't have a large enough bag to get certain items and will bring a bigger bag and get everything after others have a chance to get what they might have left behind to pick up on their way out of the forest.
Since I'm experiencing angst in my neighborhood and simply BEING among neighbors I'm dissapointed in, I, for sure picked up trash, as though THIS act would qualify me and my feelings and whatever as worthy for consideration. Of course, that's not what I believe, but it's running in the background, still..... and I'm figuring out how that's informed my choices and my concept of self.
It's a thing.
The places where I insert "story" around facts and circumstances are the places where feeling victimized and helpless happens..... dropping story and just allowing facts to speak creates HUGE space and spaciousness I understood, but didn't quite realize held SO much space and spaciousness beyond the relief and POV I've been shown and accessed, up to ths point.
We're back to my T asking me if I didn't want more than just "feeling better?" Did I not want to experience joy? And that's the difference right now in riding habits consistently and tending to them more deeply and with focus....
dropping judgment....
releasing expectation....
embracing self compassion....
embracing radical acceptance without veering off....
these are mechanics, at first. Just actions practiced like a band of first graders picking up instruments for the first time, but practicing into second and third and fourth grades..... I think.
Music theory appear and becomes known and practiced and honed in on, then expanded with new infomation and more intricate music identified, broken down, learned on one hand, then the other, then slowly pulled together until mastered. When one goes too fast, they lose the beats between and details.... the things that make that piece of music what it essentially is or was meant to be when created.
I watched my oldest DD do that with piano. She regrets setting her goal to fly through her music, fast fast fast, bc she lost the nuance and essence of the pieces. She sees that .... now. She doesn't judge herself.... she's just aware.
I'm gaining enough spaciousness to witness myself navigating my inner world/subconscious/ relationship to essential self. Pretty cool.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
It's been tremendously helpful to STOP story telling around everything..... whatever comes up, I can just not engage in what ifs around the situations and people. It's better.
As for how I perceive processing trauma..... it all comes down to feeling safe and getting down to it.
Before 2006 I could handle what was on my plate to handle through journaling, 8 hours high impact physcial activity and things like gardening, dancing and socializing...... alone time, when I needed it.
I see how journaling troubles onto paper, reading it, writing it out again, reading it and writing it out again made it possible to gain distance, SEE the problem sans the stories and energetic charge, so I felt safe enough to process whatever it was and reintegrate my brain to respond and select the best possible choice. Becoming overwhelmed.... being overwhelmed...... overwhelming others.....people overwhelming/traumatizing little children who have NO coping strategies beyond surviving..... leans me in a very judging direction. Yes..... I'm leaning judgmentally toward words like.....
I noticed walking in the forest today........ I was wholly focused on the birds, the trees, the new sprouts and shocked to find a Hemlock graveyard I hadn't noticed before.... but was always there. There's a difference between being present in the moment and NOT present in the moment. Oh.... the big, freshly fallen pinecones! And lichen covered bark...... I wish I had a basket. Might get one and go back out...... there's joy to be had in that forest. The pug didn't bark at the barky dog, biker or hikers we passed. She was so peaceful to walk with today. Yes.
I'm at a place where I can play with attention......watch it go..... get it back without judging it. Let it go.
Such joy...... such amazing releif.
At a point, I thought I heard music as new little plants appeared in places I don't typically find them.
Ferns and TRILLIUM in a fairly largen patch, together on a particular trail. I only know of one other place, far away on another trail, where the Trillium grow! So exciting.
It's been cold here, after sun and heat..... cold again. Just about to open up the outdoor shower..... thinking of planting more Hemlocks on property lines for privacy, rather than considering a fence..... feels very...... good. Just yesterday thoughts wondered to a chain link fence, with tacky green plastic for privacy, even though I KNEW it was a waste of time and not hel;pful at all.... I just let those thoughts roll into a rabbit hole and take me with them. It was a choice. Today is better. My walk was for focusing on to fence or not to fence, frankly.
Going back into the forest with a basket!
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---dropping story and just allowing facts to speak creates HUGE space and spaciousness
--- End quote ---
This is really interesting/appealing to me, Lighter. I am practically nothing BUT story, and I know there's something about the relentless narrative that so often gets going in my head that starts to feel oppressive.
Thanks for sharing this.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I've been meaning to post on my thoughts on therapy... pretty much how I see therapy going for the rest of my life.
Therapy is for processing things creating dysregulation for me. I adore my T and enjoy our sessions.... always good to have validation and lessons supported consistently while internalizing them, yup yup yup, but it really hit me last week.....
Therapy is for processing the stuff creating big energetic upset for me, so I can finish them and get on with my life, sans those big feelings.
That's my long and short around T. It feels really simple and doable.
It's also a relief to trust BIG feelings are temporary and can be handled with economy of motion, IME.
Lighter
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