Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
So the Cowboy neighbor has become delusional...... we used to chat about life, yard tools and mowers, but now he's acting like a little boss man in charge of ordering women around and that looks really crazy to read, I realize.
The thing is....he's actually ordered me not to speak..... ordered me to take off my sunglasses, bc "he feels he's being interrogated" and wants to just talk AT us, me and my sister and likely everyone he's in contact with, and his entire life is falling apart around him, bc he hasn't adjusted to being handicapped, having his wife become the primary breadwinner and him not getting the attention and admiration he had before be became deathly ill and lost an eye and muscles, etc. It's very sad.
2 nights ago Cowboy called me at 11pm and I didn't answer. He couldn't get an Uber from his office and wanted to go home, bc it was too cold to sleep on his office sofa. He finally found a ride and found himself locked out of his home, almost fell, got caught in the rain trying to follow the house around to the backdoor, then had to go back around and bang on the front door till his wife answered.
The scary thing was.... he was very calm, eyes down, under his cowboy hat, saying things like.....
"whatever they say, I'll do.... I'm lucky to have a wife as good as mine...... they say I'm the problem, so I'll stop talking and just listen.... they want me to go to a therapist, but I think we can handle it in the family....."
It was a seachange from the delusional behavior of pretending to be a big business man (again) which is too pitiful to recount, so I won't, but apparently EVEryONE stepped back from him, bc he's hit rock bottom quickly. Suffice it to say, he's blaming his friends, family and hourly employees for his position...... which makes him meaner and bossier, which pushes people farther away. The sweet twenty something gal he hired for $20 "didn't work out" either.
He took a $250.00 uber the other day and wanted me to leave the forest and bring him a check, which wasn't happening, then hung up on me.
I'm afraid he'll kill himself OR himself, wife, son and pregnant DIL who live 2 doors away. The son and DIL didn't show up when the police arrived. I guess it's difficult to know what to do in those situations. People want to mind their own business and hope for the best, I guess.
I do know this..... he can't see well or move well at all. He's fallen recently and hurt his hip. His balance is getting worse by the day, so
folks have a chance if they bob and weave in that sort of crisis, IMO. Oh... and he lacks dexterity with his hands.
Yikes... he'scalling again. I jumped so high at the ringer.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
That is hard to watch, Lighter. Can you talk to Cowboy's wife? It's got to be hard on her. Sounds like he's having some trouble adjusting to his new physical reality. So a therapist would be a good idea. A lot of times, people don't realize how their reaction to things like this, affects others. B, does, pretty well. But Mike didn't. I don't think they really intend to "take it out" on others; but they are waaaaay overwhelmed.
It might be time for 24/7 caretaking, but that's another hard to swallow reality. But this is a situation, that you can't really let yourself get sucked into, too deeply. There is family for the hard decisions, but talking to THEM about Cowboy and helping them process the facts, dangers, etc of what they're involved in and what kinds of options are available for them to help manage his difficulties while still living their own lives, might be a worthwhile investment. And then, after that... disconnect yourself as much as possible. Maybe a good time for a trip somewhere?
Hopalong:
What she said.
He has involved family, who appropriately called authorities for help, and I'm sure this very conversation is going on among them right now.
I can imagine how triggering that is for you, but agree it's not wise to assume the rescuer role. And good for you for not allowing him to draw you in to his emergencies.
Very sad mental health situation that many people face these days in various ways. He doesn't sound capable of family annihilation, however. Nor as though he wants that.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I talked to the wife long enough to understand the basic plan...... she's done putting up with Cowboy's shenanigans and maybe it's only shenanigans. Maybe it's escalating to something more. She's certainly concerned and in hiding for her reasons.
I assume Cowboy is experiencing his dark nights of the soul. He knows the right words to say, and he DID say them the day before the cops had to be called. He's sneaksy..... resisting acceptance, still. The rage of a strong, A type Republican man who collects guns and feels entitled to use them...... in a slight, worn down and handicapped body with very little balance and coordination..... feeling ignored and left behind. Disrespected and dishonored by what used to be a traditional family set up, though his wife always worked, she was the helper. Now she's the only bread winner, does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping..... TELLS him she's overwhelmed.
His reaction is to blame the job, which she's gobsmacked by and without intention to slow down or stop. He's been making little noises about that all along..... I had no idea it was brewing into irrational action on his part.
Having an opinion around what I think will happen is me telling unhelpful stories, so I won't do that.
::watching a familiar neighbor walk our cul de sac with his two dogs::
He did a double take towards the Cowboy's garage, but things were normal, otherwise. Is it bad to say I wouldn't have been surprised to hear shots fired in the walker's direction, as he passed?
Over the edge, for the Cowboy, could take so many forms.
I hope he finds acceptance and relaxes into retirement/receiving care from his family as they're able to give it. I hope he finds grace and....
acceptance. Ya.
He so wanted to be "the boss" bossing women around and commanding silence. Today, Sunday, he's boss of his open garage and empty house.
I will end with this.....
Cowboy hasn't texted or phoned me since our last conversation. The wife is wherever she's supposed to be. I ended conversation yesterday with wife after she filled me in on her (lack of) plan and mutual promises not to share what we've discussed.
I'll touch base with Cowgirl later today.
Lighter
Hopalong:
What would it feel like to simply back away gently and not check in on them, Lighter?
Or be Cowgirl's confidante?
Or Cowboy's analyst?
Or the culdesac protector?
Or to trust that these intimate situations and even community ones will resolve themselves in time, without you harming your serenity by involving so deeply?
hugs
Hops
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