Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Oh, Advil Cold and Sinus have me up and running at 100% capacity..... we got tons done this weekend AND I found an almost 9 foot tall x almost 6' wide faux carved stone mirror, beveled, at Goodwill... dropped off by a showroom in Atlanta.... it's brand new but looks 100 years old. I have 2 places it will work at the lake. Just have to figure out how to GET it TO the lake. Can borrow one of DD21's strong friends...... will figure it out.
This morning I was buzzing around, trying to get bcck home and pick up sister at the airport when I detected the scent of my father. This was the 4th or 5th time that happened and I actually changed my shirt twice thinking it was that, but it wasn't.
This morning I smelled him at the washing machine first, then at the fireplace, where he sat for 20 years and then outside, which is the really weird part. Frankly, I questioned the possibility of it being a stroke.
Anyhoo..... I took that as a sign he wanted my attention, so we had a little chat...... I thanked him for raising me, told him I was OK, sibs and grands are OK.... he can consider his business here finished and move on.... if he'd like. If not, that's cool too.
I had the feeling he's quite happy being at the lake house.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
One of the girls' buddies from school is staying with us till his apartment comes available, which lnes up TO THE DAY with our travel dates. Pug loves him and he gives her long walks and lots of cuddles, so I'm glad not to have to worry about strangers caring for her.
The guy just set up a copy machine and will travel with us to the lake..... I hope the three of us can move that mirror with the carts and dollys we have. I think we can.
I'll likely set him up to work with the contractor over the September dates, bc I'll still be away. I think that'll keep things moving along. I was worried a fraction would get done with no one handing up tools and running to fetch and carry.
What else..... we're gearing up for Halloween, which is big in this house as you guys know. I have a firepit of burning bones on my to do list.... the lights have been ordered and the rusted out firepit is sitting there, beckoning. I have lots of bones already and spray foam.... black paint. Maybe even the red paint.
Will construct some very tall clown monsters.... free standing or hanging..... at least one that lunges. Looking forward to that and this boy loves Halloween, so he can join in too if he likes.
The neighborhood made their preferences known..... they want a terrifying house to scare them silly and we're happy to be that house for them; )
I made a list of things for the Contractor to knock out while I'm away... will have materials and tools laid out. Food in the freezer for them.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I like the sound of that young man.
A smitten pug and satisfaction in helpful work...bode well!
I'd have an angina attack at your house on Hallowe'en but know it'll be FUN!
hugs
Hops
lighter:
We were supposed to leave today at 6pm, but that didn't happen. I have one last coat of orange tinted poly to apply to my kitchen crown moulding, so contractor can put it up while I'm gone. It looks astonishingly good, considreing it's pine and the cabinets are oak. Thank God color theory comes easy to me.
We got SO MUCH DONE, btw. The boy trained with his sf as an electrician and he'll likely change the kitchen lights out... would be very helpful. He put together an eletric fireplace, moved some heavy things and painted the deck on the coolest day with my sister.
My brother just ran in,mowed and ran out.
The house is looking really good..... maybe even a little tiny bit maganine worthy in a couple a spots, Hops, lol. I think knocking ALLL the zombie off has finally happened.
Lots more to tell,but this is the wrong thread for it; )
Lighter
lighter:
I've been relatively free from worry worry worry mindsets, I've noticed.
I'm putting that down and noticing the relief. Noticing the alternatives available more and more often... if I do what I can. put the story ont he shelf and resist worrying into the future or needing the past to be different.
It happens more and more, as I build the habits.
It's feeling like I gutted my way up a hill..... a really painful hill I absolutely didn't want to climb or face or investigate and that doesn't make noticing what's really there any easier, IME.
I feel I have the choice to coast downhill, faster and faster, if I choose it.
Sometimes I choose not to coast or ride downhill, emotionally. Sometimes I just have the reaction.... choose it.... but limit it. Knowing it's not what I want to cultivate. Understanding it's like a little dog rolling around in it's muck. I have it and that's OK too. I have it, then go back to coasting... being responsive..... restoring choice in my life.
And it feels....
at the risk of jinxing it.....
it feels amazing. It feels like happiness and luck and restored joy....
on a pretty consistent basis.
I don't have to question it, which I used to do... I don't question it anymore, in fact. It's real and I believe it and stars are aligning. The old problems and people aren't pressing in any longer, so close.... in my face.... with me, like nothing changed. There's spaciousness.... so much space between them and where I'm at now. I guess, maybe, I've simply let them go. Holding on meant I didn't have to accept what happened..... the part of me requiring things be different actually wanted a redo, I think. It wasn't doing me any good at all.... or my kids. Accepting it and letting it be what it was... what it is... will always be..... doesn't mean I'm OK with it. It means I choose to leave it behind and stop thinking about how unfair it is or how wrong...... it simply is what it is and I gain nothing from arguing over the color of the sky. It is what it is and making peace with that is....
accepting the price of resisting acceptance is too steep for me...not that I understand the cost to being present and living in the moment with my girls and family and friends.... and myself.
Problems and upsets..... what felt like wrong turns or mistakes..... I trust they'll lead me to what come next, IME.... lead to solutions and the chance to choose joy, again and again. Even if it's not OK.... it's OK.
It's not muscle memory... yet, but it's consistent enough.
What it's not.....
is emotional survival, that's for certain.
The dread is gone. The worry is absent and I can see it, but it's not on top of me or inside my head anymore. It's over there..... at a distance.
Ya. That.
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