Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)

[Twoapenny]

Well I thought I would start this to keep track of my progress towards this next new phase What has become apparent is that this move will be very focused on leaving the past behind - mum and all people who know mum or who know people who know mum will not know where we are.  There will be much not knowing going on!  Lol.  Paperwork is not coming with us this time - it will be sorted, scanned, archived if necessary and everything else will be burnt.  There will be a full on 'witch over the cauldron' ceremony that night, I can tell you.  I have a lot of son's younger home ed stuff that I kept 'in case' I needed to prove what I was doing.  Some will be kept but much can go.  I have many photos that still need arranging in albums and frames - that's on the to do list.  I want to have a good home ed programme up and running for son, focusing mostly on various therapies that support him and on his various interests.  The idea now is that I get the programme organised and in place, with me doing everything, and over time I can take on carers and train them to do the same stuff that I do.  It's not difficult, it's just knowing it and being able to do it regularly so it will be easy enough to show other people the ropes.

I also want some work from home in place - I can set that up over time and just keep adding to it, hopefully.  So in actual fact, getting the money together to move will pretty much happen on its own.  By the time I've sorted everything else out, I think I'll have saved enough to just get on with it, so I think it might all go rather smoothly?

I'm also focusing on our health (mine and son's) as there's no point moving house only to be so exhausted from doing it that neither of us can function for weeks afterwards.  So regular meals, rest, sleep, yoga and fresh air are top of the list as well.  And I'm trying to look on the rest of our time here as an opportunity to get ourselves in a good position for the next stage.  So I will update on this when another small step is taken and hopefully before long I will be packing and organising vans! xx

[lighter]

Whoo! HOO! Tupp...

THAT is a plan: )

You can count on my support over that cauldron.  I'm always up for a good burning ritual.  I'm overdue for one, myself.

Lighter

[Bettyanne]

Oh so so proud of all your plans.......
So good for you to make a move about yourself and your son.....
Lots of smooth days ahead I hope.....and a good healthy move to boot....
Love, Bettyanne xo

[sKePTiKal]

Good choice on a new plan Tupp; this IS the witch's new year after all - Samhain.

The rituals include honoring the past & deceased ancestors; welcoming them for the one night; sometimes food & drink is offered - in a silent meal; and at the end of the ritual -- letting all that go into the past. Fire is also recommended... as well as affirming your new goals for the next "year", while acknowledging that you're letting old, non-helpful habits go.

[Hopalong]

Tupp,
You are the embodiment of creativity and resilience.

I know that whatever plans you make, make sense. And that in reaching to achieve them, you give yourself focus and hope.

I know too that if an unavoidable change comes, or the plan does go exactly-precisely-perfectly as planned, you've had a lot of practice accepting and adapting, too. I usually trip up on perfectionism when I make such long-range plans, and often collapse with evaporating will. Your will is iron.

You are amazing. Awe inspiring!

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you all   It is just planning at the moment but part of me is aware now that, whatever I do, I can't make any plan perfect and however hard I work, things can go wrong and I could end up in an even worse situation than I am now.  So I think with me it's finding that balance between planning as well as can be expected but having to let go of that last 10% of control because there's just always going to be that margin of error and disaster.  I think I also need to really work on letting go of painting a picture of it all in my mind and then being so crestfallen when the reality is so different.  And stop with my, "Oh that will do, I'll cope" approach to just about everything, which is what sees me finding myself living in this horrible house that gets me down and feels like hard work every day.  I think it's an extension of my difficulties of saying no to people ("No, I don't want to live in this house you're renting out, it's horrible) and of my ultra 'do it different to my mum' approach.  She was always so fixated on her house and her stuff that I've always been the complete opposite and rated it as the least important thing.  But I do feel now that I would at least like to be comfortable and have enough storage space to keep the place tidy, and have a nice little garden I can sit in quietly without barking dogs and nosy neighbours driving me insane.

So yes, lots of questions, lots of checking things, lots of being realistic and lots of planning.  Lots of time!  If it takes two, three, four years to move on to the next phase, so be it.  It will just have to take that long.

Son has had another terrible couple of days at college and I'm not taking him in now for another fortnight for the sake of my mental health.  I won't bore you with all the details but it is, yet again, people not following procedure and causing problems for him by doing so.  And my efforts to, once again, get people working together, reading information and being proactive being met with walls of excuses and cries of "It's not my fault, I'm just the messenger".  The whole system makes me ill (Skep, I can empathise with Buck's situation, the walls of paperwork and procedure that prevent the obvious and sensible from taking place really sicken me) and it genuinely makes me ill - headaches, sickness, exhaustion, palpitations, chest pains, there's a whole raft of things that come on now so I've signed son off for another fortnight because I just need a break from it all.  I did enquire about using some of his budget to pay for a taxi to take him in and bring him home but it means the entire thing being reassessed again which will take months and I wanted it for next week.  But the situation is unworkable for me and, as I said on the other thread, I'm not ready to give in and accept sub-standard provision yet.

Which brings me to my other piece of news that is a bit of a weird one!  It might be possible for us to be rehoused in the area we lived in before (within half an hour or so of she who must not be named).  I don't know how your housing works over there but here we have two rental systems, a private one and a local authority one.  Private rentals are expensive and difficult to get if you're not in paid employment (like me).  The government pays part of the rent but not all of it so I have to make up the difference out of the money I get for looking after my son (which isn't a huge amount).  Most private landlords won't accept tenants that are subsidised in this way and the ones that do generally have the sort of houses like the one I live in now, that only people without other options will rent.  So it's difficult and expensive.

Local authority housing is cheap (easily covered by the local subsidy), has to be kept in good condition by the local authority and once you're in, the place is yours to do what you want with it.  It's also very difficult to get; there are very long waiting lists and it's in high demand.  But because we lived in the previous area for such a long time and we have family in the area (albeit family we want nothing to do with) it prioritises us over other people.  So there is a chance that we could get a local authority place back where we lived before.

The two main problems with that are obviously my mum being nearby again and the fact that I know that there is little in the way of support for my son around there.    The advantage would be that, once you've been in place for a year, you can swop houses with someone in any other part of the country that you like.  So you can move from one area to another without having to pay deposits, get past letting agent criteria or having to take horrible private rentals.  So it might mean we move back there for a year, then swop to move to the nice, vibrant town I've got my eye on at the minute.

At the moment it's only a possibility; I'm waiting to hear back from them and might hear we've no chance anyway.  If we have got a chance, I might decide living that close to my mum again just isn't worth the bother.  But it's another option to investigate, think about and give some consideration to so it's on the list of things to look into and we'll see how we get on.

That's all for now!  Lol xx

[Hopalong]

I'm GLAD you may have multiple options, Tupp. Even the wild-haired one near home. You could find that being near her has lost its electric power. Tedious, sad if you spend much time on it, but not frightening. That's all that matters, really. That you no longer be frightened. If that option makes sense, you will re-set boundaries around your mother should she become aware, and you might find you do it with less panic than you used to.

I can really relate to this:

need to really work on letting go of painting a picture of it all in my mind and then being so crestfallen when the reality is so different.

It may seem a strange comparison, but it's an exact corollary to how I feel about relationships. Fantasizing nearly poisoned me to death, imo. I got SOOOO damaged by my ability to fantasize about the perfect this or that, that the hurt when they (relationships) failed was devastating. I am not willing to do that to myself ever again. Another thought I have about it is that interminable fantasizing is addictive. Was to me anyway.

I really like that you're asserting basic human dignity in what you want in a home now: enough space for comfort, cleanliness, a garden, and even storage. (My happy addiction to "tiny house" videos has shown me how lovely (not cozy as in desperately cramped, but cozy as in full of light and warmth and NOT DAMP) very small homes can be. Storage isn't a big deal to me because I don't like having so much stuff. That's influenced by the minimalist style and primarily my anti-consumerist feelings. Even though I'm not living in a sleekly organized, minimalist space. I just no longer enjoy shopping or acquiring. Rather have my health, more time free and less $$ stress.

As to justice and equality? It's wrenching to let go the personal expectation of them, but as ideals they're powerful. It's just that the fight fight fight fight fight can drain the life out of you. I've decided that my interest in supporting these things will never leave me, but taking them so personally has to. I will talk animatedly about these issues with others. Socially, I volunteer and give where I can. But recently (at nearly 70!) my expectations of personal justice (say with equality, ageism, etc) are not going to be fulfilled in my lifetime. I need to take satisfaction in ground gained for all, and in still believing as MLK Jr said: "...the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."

I think what kills us is grasping those ideals very powerfully, particularly with our personal acidic experiences of equality or justice denied, from childhood. I bet children of N's do that a lot. And gradually coming to see that the long arc can well mean, long past our lifetimes. So how do we cope with the truth of our present lives, in spite of their moral imperfections and disappointments? How do we maintain health and capacity for happiness and enough hope to believe in good things (possible things) happening?

It's a long slog. But I do believe people can learn to find peace.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yep, I think all homes can be cosy, Hops, if they're designed well and there is somewhere to put everything.  I don't have masses of stuff but what I do have I like to have put away but also to be able to get to it easily.  And I don't have that here - there's a lot of wasted space even though it's a small house because of the positioning of doors and radiators and there's spaces that would benefit from storage being built into them, but I don't have the money or the inclination to do that.  So stuff is piled up in there and if I need to get something I have to start pulling boxes out to get to the one I need.  It's just a pain so yes, a nice place in a nice area is definitely on the list now.

I heard back from the local authority and we are now on the list back where we used to live.  It's a long list and it's probably more likely that we'll get another private rental before we get a local authority one but it does give us another option should we need it and I kind of liked the fact that I felt I could even contemplate living anywhere near her again.  And yes, I can identify very much with what you say about imagining the perfect relationship.  I think with me a lot of it stems back to my dad dying when I was little.  I missed him so much and I used to come up with all these stories in my head about how they might have made a mistake and my dad was in a coma and they'd buried someone else, that sort of thing - so much detail I could see it all in my mind.  Sometimes I used to imagine getting home from school and him being sat on the sofa with some long explanation about how there had been a mix up and he was fine and it would seem so real that when I got home I'd be crestfallen that he wasn't there.  And I think I've just carried on doing that about everything really, always imagining that something amazing is going to happen and pull me out of this pit.  So yes, reality only from now on.  I'll assume I just do everything myself and if anything is better than that it will be a bonus

[lighter]

((Little Tupp, missing her Dad))

That image made my head hurt.

I'm going to picture you at the beach... watching the waves, and birds, and colors of the water.  Just breathing, and feeling safe, and calm.... and revisiting this memory when you're super level, and in observation mode.  When you can get yourself into a happy place. 

When your entire brain is available to you,  you can bring your focus back to this.... to finish processing this painful memory, and file it where it belongs.  Out of your daily life, future relationship life, still wishing and longing for life, bc you deserve a clean slate, Tupp.  This is unfinished business, Tupp, and it will keep coming up, demanding to be tended to, until grown up you can tend to it, IME.

How do you get yourself level, Tupp?  What is your happy space?  What does that look like for you?  It took me a bit to FIND my happy place, bc I was so reactive to so many things..... mourning things that had passed..... things that had gone.... that children still suffer... just seeing a children's picture on a T's wall meant I had to close my eyes, and start over and over and over again... until I distilled my happy garden down into pure joy..... I'm talking about what I was wearing, what the sky looked like, the dirt, which I replaced with black Ohio earth, and the fence, and trees, and grass, and garden gloves or lack of gloves.... pulling weeds, and tying vines heavy with fruit.... the smell of tomatos... the entire plant... the feel of warm fruit.... picking it, putting in baskets marked for the people I love..... just BEING there trasports us, bc the brain believes we're THERE, and our biology responds to that reality.

It's the same when we're stuck in a painful story.  We get stuck in that same plave in our brain, where the story and emotions still live like it's the present. 

If you can get your brain calm, and in your happy place, you can remove the stress that keeps your brain from processing the painful unfinished business that keeps you focused on solving them, IME. 

You don't have to think of the painful stories long at all.  Just long enough to pull up the emotions around them..... then put the story back down, and don't think of it again.  Just stay focused on the emotions that came with the story, put your hands on it, and describe it to yourself.... give it a number from 1-10, is it pain?
 Pressure?  Tension?  Burning pain?  Pounding and dull? 

Once you're there, go back to your happy place, and begin to notice all the things you've identified as happy about it.  The sights, the smells, the colors, and space in that place..... all around you there is space.

Bring that space into your pain/tension/stress points, and breathe it into those places.... I picture pink cotton.  Breathe it in, and breathe it in, and fill that space with spaciousness.

If you can't, you might be overwhelmed, and need to push on walls a bit, or practice the EMDR or walking backwards a bit BEFORE your nervous system can calm down to a place where you can breathe your way out of it,  but YOU CAN BREATHE YOUR WAY OUT OF IT, Tupp.

There are things they don't teach us about using our breathe and mindfulness, and it can knock the air out of us, and make us believe we can't do it.

I spent 10 years believing I couldn't do it.  My martial arts instructor sat me down, and I failed, and it left a deep mark on me..... failure.... resentment..... I got chagrined when I heard the word MEDITATE.

But the word mindfulness didn't have any negativity attached to it. So my T didn't use the word meditate until I was doing Ok with the mindfulness thing, and able to understand what work we were doing inside my brain and body. 

We're simply trying to calm our brains down enough to bring our entire brain to HELP process the stuck emotions.  The place in our brain, where the hard emotions live, can't do it on it's own.  That's why we practice.... to calm ourselves and allow our brains to finish processing.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Tupp)))))).
When my bewildered D stood in the memorial garden with her stepmom and me and the minister, where her father's plaque was being installed on the lovely curving wall, she finally said, "I don't know where he is" -- we both answered her in unison: "He is IN YOU." I know your Dad is in you. And I'm so terribly sorry you lost him so young. Let him speak from the place in you that IS HIM. That says, I'm here, I will always be here, and I always am loving you. Connect to not just his loss, but his love.

Lighter, your cogent summary of this work reminds me so much of what hypnosis did for me (likely because meditating on my own wasn't working). It was astonishing, how deep in my mind my own "happy place" is (a small glen on a mountainside with a pool of dappled sunlight in the center). Next to that, was the self-hypnosis experience of encountering my own inner child one day, an episode I've often recounted here. Once I reached her, how real she was, and told her "I am so sorry I couldn't protect you then, and I am so sorry for your sadness. I am here now, I will be with you always and I will never leave you again" and actually felt her little arms go around my neck....

I believe with all my heart that it was that day I discovered self-love. Everything good since has been connected to that experience, even though I don't always consciously call it up.

And how it works is exactly what you said:

just BEING there transports us, bc the brain believes we're THERE, and our biology responds to that reality.

It's the same when we're stuck in a painful story.  We get stuck in that same place in our brain, where the story and emotions still live like it's the present.

If you can get your brain calm, and in your happy place, you can remove the stress that keeps your brain from processing the painful unfinished business

Thanks to both of you.

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I think you're right, they're in many ways the same.
Mediation is self-hypnosis, in a way, and hypnosis with the clinical practitioner is like the difference between yoga alone vs. yoga with teacher.

I do think your martial arts training sounds a lot like your breakdown of how you're changing internally, Lighter.

It's remarkable how all our different methods of self healing are ultimately unique to us as individuals. There's no one size fits all method or pattern, there just isn't. But each of us stumble/walk/study/discover our way to the insights that illuminate our particular paths, and the ways of moving that can help us move down them.

Feeling abstract,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Wow, you guys have been writing me essays, thank you!  It will take me a while to read through everything and I just want to write this down quickly while I think of it.

I've been reading a bit about psilocybin being used to treat various conditions, as well as things like cannabis and MDMA.  I was watching a thing on YouTube about a guy taking magic mushrooms, and as part of that he mentioned parenting, and how, if we don't form or have a strong bond and/or influence with a parent (or someone in a parental position), then we take our parenting cues and life lessons from our peers - which isn't good, because they're as clueless and inexperienced as we are.  He only mentioned it briefly in relation to something else he was talking about but it just rang such a huge bell with me.

My mum was very good at the practical stuff - meals were cooked, clothes washed, house clean, we didn't go without (in fact, on the fairly impoverished estate we lived on we were among the more fortunate kids).  But there were no life lessons at all, and never have been.  I don't think she's learnt anything in life other than drinking to cope and burning people when they displease her.  She passed on absolutely no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing.  We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people.  And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.  And why I get so crest fallen and upset when it doesn't happen, or sometimes it does but then I stop fitting in for some reason and lose contact with people.

And it made me wonder if it's why I move from place to place - looking for somewhere I can belong and fit in and find the people I want to give me guidance and support.  I don't know quite what to make of it yet - it's just a wondering that's been sparked in my mind, but it's something that I want to look into more.  Not that it means I won't move - but it's something I'd like to explore in a lot more depth to see if that's something to do with why I never feel I belong anywhere and if I can find some way to fix it rather than moving only to be disappointed again.

Will catch up on the other threads a bit later - off to watch the fireworks in a bit xx

[Hopalong]

no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing.  We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people.  And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.

That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!

Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."

That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.

It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.

I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable  now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.

We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.

Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing.  We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people.  And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.

That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!

Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."

That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.

It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.

I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable  now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.

We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.

Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops

Hopsie, I think it's worth a lot more than two cents - especially what you say about finding the balance between over exposure and wearing a mask.  I think that's probably my biggest challenge - being real and authentic, without feeling raw and vulnerable and without then feeling very rejected and hurt (and quite sulky and tantrum like, if I'm honest), but equally not pretending, which I find exhausting.  And I think that's such a big thing with parenting - if you've got that safe space at home where you can utterly be yourself without being rejected or punished for being bad it gives you so much freedom to grown and develop.  And if you don't have that it can create so many problems

I was listening to talks by Dr Gabor Mate last night.  I went into a bit of a rabbit hole with various things and he talks about the links between emotions (usually unexpressed) and illness and about how we learn to repress our gut instincts from a very young age through social conditioning and parenting situations.  It rang so many bells with me, particularly his thoughts on ignoring our gut instincts (which he thinks causes people a lot of problems in life).  What I found particularly helpful about that is that I've really struggled to work out where it all went wrong for us with moving here, because I can't see where I made the error.  With other things I can see where I ignored a red flag, or I didn't follow advice I was given, but I couldn't see anything like that with our current situation.  Every step I took is the same step I would take with any move or education selection for my son.  But when he talked about gut instinct I remembered two instances where I was thinking "no" but then my logic and reasoning over-ruled and I went ahead.  The first was with getting back into the system with my son - we were having a lot of problems and I was already exhausted from fighting and was going to go back to home ed.  Someone talked me out of it but I was right - we should have stuck with home ed.  And secondly was this house.  When we came to look round it, before I even got through the front door I thought "No way".  The estate isn't nice, parking isn't great, the house itself was a wreck - filthy dirty, small, badly planned and it stank.  The lady next door was screaming at her dog to shut up, the garden was horribly over-grown and it was more expensive than the lovely, spacious, clean flat I was currently living in.  And I just thought "no way".  But then I thought through the day and decided that my son's education was more important than where we live and I agreed to it.  But I was wrong - we should have stayed where we were and we should have carried on home educating.  I should have listened to my gut but I went with logic and reasoning instead.  So today's lesson is listening to my gut, and my instinct as I woke this morning was to spend eight hours working on my health today, instead of eight hours working on my to do list   So I am back in bed, listening to relaxing music, drinking tea and reading on Voiceless   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Tupp.
My heart sank when I first began to hear your descriptions of the mold, damp, dirt, cramped space, etc. Your nobility in combating despair there has been just incredible. Valiant and moving.

You WILL look back (from a well-lit, un-damp, pleasant space you've made your own, not through heroism but because it has decent bones to decorate!) on the current flat as a nadir. A touchstone.

You're pushing off from this. Whether it's six months or a year, you're not going to accept this level of discomfort or misery long-term for yourself OR your son.

I'm so sorry -- but I so get it. Should I give a list of everything I've learned the hard way? It'd be longer than a novel!!

I hope you don't berate yourself AT ALL, not even a TINY BIT...for a belated realization about the place. You had your priority, your boy, and you gave it everything you have. What is beautiful is how fertile you are for realization and learning and awakening and developing and internalizing and knitting together the pieces of knowledge you really do acquire, that are real and mature and reliable and valuable and awesome.

YOU are awesome.

So while you cuddle up to self care today, I hope you are feeling self-respect stream in the window. It's there and you deserve to feel it.

Love
Hops