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Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 22, 2019, 09:57:56 PM ---I am mentally there bringing you a steaming
cuppa chamomile and running a magnesium salts bath
for your back!
Sleep well, Tupp. Beware letting the holidays
calendar into your psyche. It's just another DAY.
I remember lonely holidays but it got much, much
easier the more I decided it was a day in which to
enjoy the quiet, and people on the street being nicer.
Left it at that and it worked....
Be cozy, be kind to yourself.
Big hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol, thanks, Hops, I have a steaming cuppa next to me right now so your mental tea making worked! Lol. I did some good yoga exercises for the lower back and felt it pop so it's sore this morning but much more manageable and I'm going to do more yoga now to try to stop it seizing up again.
I did have quite a big wobble last night. I'm aware that whatever we do next is going to be a lot of work and it might not go well. So however much I'm trying to keep an open mind and not dwell, my inner panic monster decided to have a good go yesterday and just let me know she isn't ready to be completely quiet yet. I think sometimes decluttering can bring that on; you are getting rid of physical things you no longer need and it can have an impact. Funny situation to be in. But okay again now. Slept alright, we've got a fairly busy day today and I'm feeling alright about it and trying to concentrate on the here and now, rather than what might be in the future. I do find that hard because I don't like the here and now. I think part of my former disassociative coping method was just to be somewhere else in my head and I still do it now, to a lesser extent. Just dreaming of a nicer and better life than the one we currently have. But it's okay, practical steps to take today and things are going alright. Yes, you're right about the holidays, Hops, only a month and it will all be over again anyway :) I look forward to it xx
Twoapenny:
Well, an interesting morning! My yoga session was about releasing tension, and the instructor was talking about noticing what causes tension and finding ways to let go of situations and people that create tension. So I've been writing down everything and every thought so far today, two columns, one for tension, one for no tension. What's been very interesting for me is that there are more things in the 'no tension' column - but I spend more time on the 'tension' stuff. Some of it I can't avoid - but there are other things I could just not do and I don't think the world would end? There are a couple of people I could just let go of. We've been friends a long time, there was a time they were very important to me - but I don't think they are now? They went in to the tension column and funnily enough the tension around them comes more from them not contacting much, not being too interested in meeting up. And the more I thought about it the more I realised - I don't particularly want to spend time with them. Which makes me feel guilty. Which causes tension. Mmm. So I'm going to try to do more 'nothing' around the tension creating stuff and more 'something' around the stuff that doesn't cause me tension.
Twoapenny:
The thoughts are coming thick and fast this morning. I've noticed that I've already started thinking that this commune is 'the one' and this town is 'the place' and the other, very nice town, that I was looking at only a couple of weeks ago has been largely disregarded, as have my various other ideas from the last few months about what to do next. It is my panic; I'm miserable and lonely and I don't want to be so my brain is trying to get us out of the situation as quickly as possible. Which could make the situation worse.
So - I'm wondering if I should make myself commit to a year of thinking, researching, planning - before I make any decisions? Mmmm. That's an interesting idea to think about some more.
lighter:
Tupp:
I think you should focus on 90% research, and 10% execution.
Setting a one-year moratorium on decision making seems too arbitrary. You might have enough information to make a decision in 6 months, 9 months, 3 months..... 14mo. You can't know what will happen, but you can know you'll continue teasing out facts, and putting together plans based on that good information.
Trust yourself. Observe your loneliness with curiosity, and don't judge it good or bad. It just IS, and it's asking for attention right now. Tend to it, and be very kind to yourself.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 23, 2019, 04:51:22 PM ---Tupp:
I think you should focus on 90% research, and 10% execution.
Setting a one-year moratorium on decision making seems too arbitrary. You might have enough information to make a decision in 6 months, 9 months, 3 months..... 14mo. You can't know what will happen, but you can know you'll continue teasing out facts, and putting together plans based on that good information.
Trust yourself. Observe your loneliness with curiosity, and don't judge it good or bad. It just IS, and it's asking for attention right now. Tend to it, and be very kind to yourself.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, that is a good point, and you're right, I should just look into it all and go ahead once I'm sure and I know what's what. I thought I was doing really well yesterday - I did a lot of yoga, I meditated, I rested a lot and felt really good by the time I went to bed. But I guess all that relaxing must let things out because this morning I just exploded. Small things, but I think they represent bigger things and when it happens that fast I think I disassociate a bit - not in a complete disconnected, I don't know I'm there way, but I feel like I'm watching someone else have a meltdown and it's really hard to kind of step in and calm myself down. A friend had texted yesterday and when I said son and I are both unwell at the moment she asked if we had a virus. It was one of those stop me in my tracks moments. She knows we both have multiple health problems, she knows how bad the situation is, she knows how much I've been struggling with our health problems lately. So it still seems odd to me that people think in terms of bugs or viruses when they know we have multiple health problems between us and they assume it's something we caught rather than something that's an ongoing problem? I dealt with it fine yesterday - didn't reply straight away, gave myself time to think, look at it from different perspectives, breathe. And it was fine. And then this morning it made me feel like I wanted to rip someone's throat out. Next door's dog was barking incessantly, again, from about 6.30am. Even with the doors and windows closed and the TV or radio on I can still hear it, endlessly barking. I needed a piece of paper to log in to one of the social service's systems for son and I could not find it anywhere. I must have gone through a dozen files and close to a thousand bits of paper and I could not find that piece of paper with those digits on it. I came so close to launching the entire book shelf across the room and throwing a match at the lot of it. It was just so explosive. Then I found the piece of paper in my wallet, where I'd put it so I could find it easily :)
I think what I'm trying to notice, as the mist clears and I start to calm down again, is that I need a move from this life - not necessarily in geographical terms but I need to be away from the things and people that cause me a lot of stress or trigger things for me. Certain people, all this paperwork - my God, I need this to be over with - and just a general lack of consideration on the part of other people. I think the thing that annoys me the most about the barking dog is that I don't have the money to just move. The simplest solution to that would be to just move to a house where we don't have close neighbours, so I can't hear them. I think it's that that bothers me more than the dog does. I feel sorry for the dog, it's obviously in some sort of distress to bark like that, but the owner should be responsible and deal with the problem. Everyone else suffers because they won't go to a vet or dog behaviourist and find out what's wrong.
Anyway - tired now. My temper tantrum from earlier has worn me out. Quiet day today. Cinema later, I think we might go out to lunch and then I can do us a dinner when we get home tonight and prepare it before we leave. Some more yoga. Maybe a walk. I guess as each bit of unresolved anger and resentment seeps out there's a bit less in there to deal with, right?
Thanks for listening :) xx
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