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Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Twoapenny:
I've been thinking so much today, and it is so much thinking that I feel like my head is exploding. But it kind of keeps pushing its way up so I'm going with it.
I'm thinking about radical changes in my life and thinking, how can I do this? What do I need to change? The last 18 years has all been focused on son, and on dealing with all my own stuff with my mum and the child protection/public sector stuff that goes along with that. There's been none of me in any of it. It's all been about dealing with crisis situations (often created by my mum), repressing myself (in order to try and stay off the radar) and generally getting my head down and getting on with it. So I've been thinking today, what would life be like if I didn't do that? What would it look like if I just did what I love and what I'm in to, with no regard for practicality or what the social worker might say or whether or not people think I'm being a good parent.
If I'm honest, if I cut what son needs down to the barest bones, then as long as he's fed three times a day and has a Wi Fi connection he's happy. In fact, that's when he's at his happiest, with no-one bothering him and just him and his computer games. It feels utterly, utterly alien to me to say, "Yep - just play on your XBox all day". But I think it's an idea that I should explore, to give myself some time and space to find me again, without having to cope with the drama of other people looking after him and all the problems that brings. So I think this is something to think about a bit more. Although probably not today because I've thought myself half to death now. Lol.
lighter:
((Tupp:))
After the 15 years you've had.....
you deserve to be at the top of your list.
You always have.
Lighter
Hopalong:
((((Tupp))))
I think holiday season is often a time for both meltdowns and insights. Sometimes nearly simultaneous.
Nothing you describe seems strange to me and your latest, with a sudden image of a lighter life, reducing son's program to what actually seems to make him most content...struck me as a spot of gentle weather. Maybe it's a good direction to think about.
You TRULY don't have to prove any more to yourself or anyone else what an incredible mother you have been to this young man. And you are actually looking at your limits.
You're a human being, not a tank. And you need R & R, even if it's just to stop the endless strategizing and battling. Or even pause them. I don't think you lost the war, despite the painful battles along the way. I think you won. You won him a decent childhood, moments of laughter, and the safety to play his games and find his own form of peace.
You deserve that too. More chamomile heading your way.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thank you both, as always, you always say the things that hit the spot with me :) It does feel alien to me not to have to prove myself endlessly, especially where he's concerned, but we were at the cinema the other night and I watched him say "excuse me" to the people he needed to get past and then he sat down next to me and worked on his novel until the film started (he's got an app on his IPAD that he uses). As soon as the film starts he puts his IPAD away and then he was just transfixed. He gets completely engrossed in what he's doing (unlike me, my head's always in a dozen places). And every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car. And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy? That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life. I at the same age was already drinking heavily and sleeping around, trying desperately to find someone who liked me and I was utterly miserable. And he isn't. He's content with his games and his novel writing and trips to the cinema. So yes, I think maybe now I can take my foot off the pedal a bit and focus on myself a bit more and just see what happens :) xx
Twoapenny:
I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward. Self care, healthy meals, downtime and regular cleaning/gardening are all steps forward, they just aren't as noticeable. I just love that feeling of something else being complete and being able to cross it off the list. Lol. I've got several bigger jobs on the go at the moment that will take longer to finish but I got a bit more done today. More pieces cut out for the cushion I'm doing for son's room and some unnecessary paperwork shredded, plus a bit of tidying up in the garden. I'm trying to keep the evenings calmer and ear mark the time for yoga, mediation and reading, along with getting organised for the next day so that the mornings can start in a calmer way, rather than me having to rush around finding the things we need for the day. So small steps but they'll add up to bigger things in time.
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