Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 26, 2019, 11:31:29 AM ---I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward.
--- End quote ---
Hmmmmm. That looks like judgment to me, Tupp.
Do you feel that it is? And is it something asking for attention... to just notice and be very curious about? Attention might lead to what's behind it. To where it came from.
Or not; )
Just give yourself loads of compassion.
I think that's "THE MISSION" right now. Give in to it, then give in some more, bc for the first time, in a very long time, your head's above water.
You can breathe now, Tupp.
Keep breathing, and smiling at the sky,
and beach,
and ds enjoying his XBox,
yup yup yup.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Tupp, it might be different for you...
but when I finally had the time to just "be me"... it took a long time for "me" to come out of hiding behind the "I must DO THIS, THAT and the OTHER THINGS." Even being here totally alone except for mio-mio. The habit of submerging myself under my "function" and "role" and "who I was to other people" was soooooo engrained, even though I fought with it, like a too tight, too hot, itchy wool sweater...
it was truly months & months & months before I started to even get glimpses of my real "self" again... and start to know how to keep that self content, while balancing the "doing" side of life. I even overdid the self awareness thing - and stopped "doing" to an extreme for awhile. Trying to find that range of what is my new "comfort zone". And it's still a work in progress.
Buck asked me if I liked something last night - and I have absolutely no experience with it; none whatsoever. So even tho it sounded kinda snippy - I said, what does it matter what I like? As I learn about it more; gain some experience; then perhaps I will form a preference - but I don't have one right now. There are LOTS of things like that for me. Some of them, other people take for granted... and I feel like I must've been raised by wolves to not know the same things. LOL.
Hopalong:
Tupp, this was so heartwarming to read and made my chest feel happy:
--- Quote ---every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car. And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy? That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life.
--- End quote ---
Amber, it is blazingly clear that you learned so much sensitivity, awareness of nuance, bravery, survival, deep bonding, and care for others from the wolves.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Lighter, you're right, there is judgement in there, and soooo much fear. I saw the acupuncturist today, talked through the mad rages I've been having again lately and he said he thinks it's overlying fear and that we need to work on that. I've been trying to do more yoga more regularly and there's one particular sequence involving the hips that seems to unleash so much in me. Better out than in, I'm assuming, but it seems to be letting out stuff that's been there for such a long time now, sometimes I think it's what holds me up? He put one needle in my chest and the horrible butterfly sensation stopped in a matter of seconds. I reacted quite strongly this evening to a couple of emails and it's not what's in the emails themselves, it's what they might lead to if (insert any version of any scenario of the horrible things we've been through over the years) x, y or z happens. It's quite subtle in my head and I think that's why I often miss it, particularly as I'm often doing three things at the same time. So I think what I really need to try to do is sloooow right down and in every situation, ask myself whether I'm reacting from fear, and if I am, can I do it a different way?
Skep, that is exactly how I feel at the minute. If you take away my caring role for son - there's literally nothing there. No hobbies, no friends, no family, no partner, no energy, no desire to even get out of bed to be honest. It is a big, yawning chasm and that feels a bit scary but I am really trying to turn it into something exciting - working out what I like and what I want and trying to just enjoy finding out more about myself. And in the spirit of that - I did not write a to do list today. I usually have it permanently attached to my arm but this morning I thought no - I'm pretty sure I'll remember we need to eat and there's nothing else that's really urgent so I'll just do what I feel like. And I spent a good chunk of the day watching TV! Lol. Sewing is definitely something I'd like to do more of. And I've got this book at the moment called 'Drugs in Pots'; it's various herbs and plants that you can use for common ailments and ideas for growing them in tubs around the patio - that's something I'd like to get in to a bit more as well.
Hops, it made my chest happy to see him like that and I think just feeling happy is something we should do more of? As often as we can, really. It seems very simple when it's put like that :) xx
Twoapenny:
More thinking, more thinking - it's pouring out of me at the moment. I did write one list - but only of self care and nourishing things that I want to try to keep doing during the day, so it's just a list to remind me to think about myself as well :) Lol.
What I woke up thinking about this morning is the huge amount of effort and energy I'm having to put in to coping with the current situation and the huge amount of effort and energy I want to put in to us finding a better life - paid employment, more people around us (of the kind we like, not just people in general), more time spent doing things we enjoy and get pleasure out of. And I realised I can't do both so I do think I need to choose. I will give it a lot more thought and do the research (90%, Lighter! lol). But I think it might be that son doesn't go back to college after Christmas. We've another two and a bit weeks to go of this term and I'm so exhausted I can hardly stand. I'm awake between four and five every morning and I wake up worrying about the day. A lot of my time and energy is going in to trying to cope with the stress and anxiety and I'd really like that time and energy to be going into building up a small business that son and I can both work at and improve our living situation. No decisions yet. A miracle may occur over Christmas and it might all be sorted. But at the moment I feel like we might need to spread our wings fairly soon. We will see what happens.
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