Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
Twoapenny:
Well, Skep, I am glad to read that you're not willing to carry on endlessly being mum to all the other grown ups there. I'm very much looking forward to reading about you and Buck having fun, whether it's going away together, getting on with your own projects on the farm or just hanging out - without stress, drama or other people's problems going on around you :) I'm looking forward to reading that update. And amazed that the army is crap enough to not secure the knowledge they need way before personnel are of retirement age! Surely someone could have got him to do some training tapes years ago? It baffles me - but we see similar madness here so I can say I'm not entirely surprised. Wishing you both well xx
sKePTiKal:
Maybe it was my "mom reflex" - that initiated the expectation that I would be on call 24/7 for such things. The expectation that I could solve self-created problems. Dunno.
But I'm very conscious of resisting that expectation and even some days resenting it. It seems short-sighted and unfair to me. But I've been in a mood of being able to chew nails the past couple days. And it turns out that's kind of a recognition of my own needs. And even vision for this arrangement.
This doesn't seem healthy for anyone. And that's really bugging me.
So, I guess I'm just going to manage my own time/energy given to this crap better. And withdraw into my own space - and do what's on my agenda. Others can participate as they want - or not. While they're sorting their own flies from pepper. I'm over it. Been over it. For some time.
Hopalong:
((((((Amber))))))))
I'm so sorry. I completely get how you're feeling and how oppressive it must be.
I think when one sees oneself as a matriarch, a source of wisdom and learning for young adults (and some not so young), it's very hard to find your own children rejecting it, being immature and selfish, entitled, whatever. It sure wasn't your original idea in trying to pass along what you've learned, for their benefit.
Maybe the Matriarch of the Mountain is REALLY going to retire now. And just pursue projects and plans because they're fulfilling. I say, tough love time. Toss the little buggers out so they can start growing up. Couldn't agree more about Hol and T, but of course she'll assert her own choices in that regard too, regardless of impact on you.
CB, I really felt this is extremely wise:
--- Quote ---I could never have given them what they have forged for themselves in the past decade. I remember a saying that when a child is born, so is a mother. I think when a child grows up, so does a mother!
--- End quote ---
Amber, remember that your value is NOT exclusively in your capacity to be strong, to lead, to sit under the banyan tree dispensing advice or wisdom. You are valuable without a shred of wisdom. You are valuable as a friend, a partner, a good soul, a creator.
Matriarchs have one thing in common: They're all exhausted and resentful. And nobody thanks them.
Big hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Yes, Hops. I would absolutely pursue my plans & projects IF:
my tools were put back - or not "lost" - because someone else used them and isn't considerate enough
my studio wasn't completely filled with other people's materials
my kitchen wasn't cluttered with the kinds of things I don't cook with (and they don't either apparently; they graze all day long)
And I am denied control over my own stuff - "because" this or that justification or excuse
I have my "cave" - the master; to hide out in. The work in progress has made the door to the back deck available to me now, so I've also created a small sitting area there too.
It will HELP, when the Hut is completed enough for them to move into. AND they buy their own tools. :P We estimate maybe another month. And when I'm finally able to talk to her again, I'm going to impress upon her the need for both of them to go back to work... as soon as that restarts.
The lack of consideration and the absurd expectation that I have all the answers to why their self-created lives suck... and what to do about that... as if I don't have my own life is enough of a burr under my saddle right now to make me BLUNT, TO THE DIRECT PERSONAL PAINFUL POINT, and keep me on the edge of being swept away by all the pent up anger over the behaviors I was directly told would change, or wouldn't continue being a problem for me.
I've suggested that she start packing this last month. :D
Rather than just drift around having her attitude... and proclaiming how "unevolved" or "unfair" I am.
lighter:
Amber:
I was struck with several thoughts while reading your post.
1. ALL the clutter and crap the kids have in your home should BE IN THEIR SPACE or in the barn or the shed to whatever spaces aren't YOUR LIVING AREA.
This is YOUR home, not their dumping ground, grazing ground, complaining ground, blaming ground. Why do they feel it's those things?
2. IS this YOUR problem? Really?
Your post reminded me SO much of the first conversation I had with my T about my problem... codependence.
It was MY problem, not the people I was frustrated with.
Hell, just tell them what needs doing. Packing... yup. Pack it all up. Move it to the space of your choosing and let it be so. Now. No time for yammering, complaining, dwelling on YOUR life and choices.
The last thing coming up for me is the feeling you have about the kids expecting you to have all the answers for them WHEN obviously they aren't open to much, if anything, you have to say about.
Whatever dynamic is going on here isn't working for you, or them IMO.
Whatever you want to create, before B arrives is up to you. It's your home, your property, your rules or the kids can go where they may create their own rules, which is how growing up works, IME. No upset or bother..... go in good faith, with best wishes, you believe in Hol and know she'll figure it out, bc she's competent and capable enough to do so.
Make a list. Make a copy or two. Give Hol a list, put one on the fridge, and one in your safe space. Require they check boxes off daily.
If they complain, refer them BACK to the list and stay focused on your own business.
They have their business.
You have yours.
THAT ONE LITTLE THING made all the difference for me in the world.... frustration evaporated, I was lighthearted toward the folks I was so !UPSET!! with and MY stuff was easier to focus and work on without all that codependent chatter in my head and body.
Just say'in...... this might be easier to solve than you think.
Take what makes sense and ignore the rest.
I know you'll figure it out, bc...
you're competent and capable; )
Lighter
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