Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

<< < (25/122) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Happy Sunday. Weather's turning nicer here, so will be getting outside again, more.

Yesterday, in about 8 hours, I had the studio to myself. Cranked up my favorite Beethoven Sonata and vented all my anger & frustration & said what I am not allowed to say out loud in words... onto a 24x40 canvas. First time in 32 years. Canvas is covered with the underpainting. Now the real work begins. I was THAT angry.

Angry - and wary - of how Hol vents her anger. She is most fond of projecting her passive co-dependence onto me in the form of an accusation (either in relationship with her or Buck) and transferring the (in)actions of her partner onto one of us as well. I am familiar with the technique - LOL. Basically externalizing everything she can't/won't deal with herself - that is her sole responsibility to do, mind you - onto someone else so she can either a) solve the dilemma and reach a decision or B) not have to feel the feelings as being herself. She has no idea what my relationship with Buck entails - I set a big flashing, neon, electrically charged boundary around that and most of the information surrounding it - with her. Precisely, because of this way of coping she's using.

She doesn't do this all the time. You can actually see the flip of the switch, when she goes there while holding forth on whatever topic she's proclaiming about. John and I - without her around - have pretty much dissected it. He is much more able to maintain objectivity and point out the inconsistencies... or logical progressions... in her thought process to her than I am; in the moment during conversation. Still - he's also stood in for the object of her dissatisfaction and anger - while she practices and works out just what she's trying to say, decide or do. Kid is terribly intelligent cognitively; but she has ALWAYS experiencing massively intense emotional reactions... and not known how to handle them.

As a mom, I would just grab her and hold her in a hug until the intensity calmed down. I didn't have anything else in my toolkit. But as an adult - she doesn't always permit this solution. She IS seeking that solution... and is flailing. But her thought process is reaaaaaalll close to solving this puzzle for her, her way - a way that will stand her in good stead, instead of impact the people around her because she ejects that energy. I think it's pretty important that she find her the solution/resolution herself - and we can talk about it later. More and more, I am able to quietly state some observations to her... and they're taken on board, while she ponders. So, I know she's working it out. It's not a pretty process; she's mud-wrestling herself. We not trying to influence what decision she comes to... just to get to a decision and then deal with the consequences herself.

Happily, John seems to have resolved some of his issues - at least made progress up the spiral of healing from FOO trauma. Not that we've spoken about them directly. I don't know his story. But he did tell me recently that he has stopped blaming himself, and unloaded an awful lot of toxic shame (that didn't belong to him in the first place). He's been doing a deep dive into the complex PTSD literature. He has a smorgasbord of future plan directions he may go in... once things open up a bit more again. His inner motivation is to go and be, where he is helpful and useful. I think he's helped Holly come up from a bit of a mental fairy tale and start to deal with the reality of it, instead. He's definitely helped me understand the dynamics of what's going on here - and listened to my concerns about it, validated quite a few of my ideas/observations... which has helped push me somewhere new. Letting Holly deal with Holly - MOST of the time - and giving me the space/chance to think/and move on with my own plans... without her trying to tell me to do things HER way.

So that canvas has been on the easel in the studio for about 4 years. It was entirely blank for a year; then a playful friend of Hol's made a game out of doodling on it in charcoal; that stayed about another year. Last year, I gesso'd over the charcoal... and Hol had brought in an old painting I'd done of a barn in '79. Looked at that old painting and saw lots of things, with a better educated eye, that I would've done differently now. And things that I instinctively - without training - knew would work. So was the born the idea of repainting that subject - but making a very different painting. This one is more symbolist/surreal than the stock, traditional, "barnscape" painting.

No; there are no sketches; no studies. The idea itself took a flyer off a cliff in an unexpected direction... a couple nights ago. Yesterday, I just walked up to the canvas, opened the turp & medium and picked up a few brushes and went at it. For hours. It only appears to be a spontaneous act to people around me... because all the work up to this point has been visualization inside my own head. For years. All it needed was the right amount of emotional energy to fuel it. To get that energy across I have to paint things that are not in my repertoire - the ocean; atmosphere; another mirage... so technically a challenge; and it simply can't be accomplished successfully by "thinking" alone - it requires that emotional energy to fuse into the paint... so it can jump out of the image.

It's already titled too: Fire & Water.

So, I'm having a "very pleased with myself" day today. It's warming up outside; sun is out. I have onions, garlic, peas, spinach, fancy lettuce & radishes in the ground. The raspberries look great this year. And just as soon as I can tell the ground is dry enough to work up, I'm going back to plow. Have 6 dz each quart/pint jars on their way... but no one seems to have lids in stock. Good thing I bought a gross of the reusables a couple years back.

Officially, WV has a stay at home order. But it was written in such a way - that life can go on anyway. Cases/deaths are creeping up here still... but extremely slowly. So there's no legitimate concern about our healthcare being overrun. I'm seeing lots of questions about the reliability of the tests these days... so I have no idea what to believe. Local resources are stretched pretty thin still... but over the mountain all is stocked full-up. I believe the "worst" is over -- and even if there is a rebound of cases later, it will be much smaller than that first wave.

So: I am officially bored of the virus, the news & politics about it, and the silly shutdowns. You quarantine SICK PEOPLE, not healthy ones. Somehow that got lost in the panic.

Hopalong:
So thrilling to hear you're painting, Amber!
Massively so.

I found myself thinking TURNER! as you described it.
How wonderful, to find some familiar boundaries dissolving as you paint.
That's one place where boundaries dropping can be a wonderful thing, eh?

Yay yay yay.

I am jealous of your sturdy muscled self that can go do with gardening what you are.
Sounds just fantastically satisfying.

I feel differently than you do about public health policy but we are darn good here about letting differences be.

I do wish you didn't get projected on. You don't deserve it and there comes a point when it's no longer interesting for you, just harmful.

Big hugs
Hops

lighter:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on April 18, 2020, 10:39:06 AM ---He doesn't interact with ANYONE Lighter. Not me, not even a good morning - much less: is there anything you want me to do today? He avoids John completely too.  You can't change the bf's behavior.  You can put boundaries in place around your space, your tools, your expectations for housework, IMO. 

I'd interact with him directly, cutting Hol out, and let him know he's responsible for his own messes or he can find a place with a maid to deal with it.  THIS space doesn't come with maid service as of today, but I'm in a mood, and I see it just that way.  When Hol has a problem with it... and she will... I'd invite her to move into her own place if she plans to allow her bf to pig up the house one more day.  She can take all her furniture and personal items with her when she goes, and I'd say it in a very firm but pleasant tone..... no discussion.  Just the way it is.  I wish I'd done more of that when the boy was here with us.  Now I wonder why the heck I didn't, bc it seems so simple now.

And because half the peeps he ordered (baby ducks & guinea keets) arrived dead - he didn't want to interact with Hol either.That's heartbreaking.  Sorry that happened to those babies.

It's weird. No thank you, when I buy the non-usual things he prefers to eat or one of us cooks/cleans up after his 3 yr old messes.  I'm shocked he has 2 maids cleaning up after his adult self.  I'm shocked you're buying his preferred foods, honestly. 

When I asked Hol about it, she said he said (which is the only way I'm getting information about him)... that he doesn't want to be in my way around here.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This isn't being considerate; it's some elaborate means of getting what he wants - WITHOUT having to reciprocate.Whatever it is... it doesn't sound sustainable.  He's avoiding you, I understand that.
 He's avoiding John.  I understand that too.  HE KNOWS he's not carrying his own weight but has no intention of changing, IMO.  I'd want him out of my space under these circumstances.  No judgment, just..... no.  He's not your ward. He's not your bf.  He's certainly not your child.  Why does Hol feel you'll put up with his over the top really bad houseguest behavior?
 She's willing to put up with it. Fine.  She has her own space and I know it's not finished BUT IT IS HERS.  She shouldn't have asked you to put it with this big child boy.  I wish you hadn't allowed her to, but what's done is done. 

What to do today about it?  What CAN you do today, if anything? 

If he's training you, and Hol... .how do you see that working out when Buck arrives?



And he's begun yelling at her. And THIS is as good as that's every going to get, IME.
It's a downhill slide from there, IME.  It sounds pathetically stupid - but I'm going to the studio and making a sign to post in the kitchen that says I'm the only one allowed to yell in this house. I'm thinking MR. Avoidance won't pick up on it or admit if he did.  It would, again, be time for him to move on, where that is.  Because, here's the deal: I can ask directlly to stop doing that... and I get more response from a concrete wall. Or he leaves; runs away. Which is one of the things Hol is complaining about, btw. I have pointed out that it's not likely to get better when they move into the hut.  All I could control is where the chucklehead doesn't yell at my dd and I'd feel perfectly within my right to insist he do it outside my space,
 bc it's not cool,  I would never condone it and, considering how I feel about these things and where they typically go.... I'd send him OUT of my space right after he did it so he KNEW, and Hol knew and John knew and the dogs and cats knew.... it's not cool, won't be tolerated, and that's the best things would get with me around while that happened.... things are likely to escalate with me, as well.

My T would want me to allow dd to come to her own conclusions about what she'll put up with and demand from men.  FINE.  What I won't do is allow it to happen under my roof, where it affects me.  I get to feel OK in my space.  I get to say who's IN my space.  I get to make calm statements, skip explanations, and get my needs met...  take care of myself... take care of my business.... make sure other's people's business is on their plate. 

In fact, the yelling might not be OK on my property...  anywhere.  There have to be limits.   Hol can fall out of love with MR. NOT THERE FOR HER anywhere.  It doesn't have to be under your roof, or on your farm,  IMO.

Here's the thing: it's HER relationship to deal with. But it's MY house. And there are certain things that I need from people in my house.  You've needed those things for a while.
 You've been thwarted.  I don't understand how that's still happening EXCEPT you're worried about your relationship with Hol.  In the long run, Hol might balk and rage and complain and whine but she'll see you modeling how to calmly deal with unacceptable behavior, which is more important than those two manipulating you into allowing this to go,  IME.  Of course, I could be completely wrong,  and am willing to consider that.

SO.... I'm very wary of him. I don't dare cross the boundary of throwing him out myself.
You... don't dare cross the boundary.  After all the boundaries those two have shoved down your throat and made you eat.  After the situation turned toxic... you're still purchasing groceries and allowing this chucklehead man to roam your house at all hours, scream at Hol, pig up your HOME, take and lose your tools, refuse to interact EVEN TO DISCUSS HOUSE RULES AND the standards you've set, his failure to comply and what consequences are involved... then follow through with the consequences. 

Maybe that's the discussion...
setting consequences for failure to honor boundaries then follow through without hesitation  or worry about what Hol will do, say, scream, bc it's not her home.  It seems like I'm reading about a property you and Hol own together.... as though she's a partner you have to put up with, bc you have no power to make requests and expect they'll be honored.

Requests.  You're way beyond making requests, and I'm not talking about anger here.  It's about making calm statements, not getting dragged into arguments or explaining your actions BECAUSE ALL THE ADULTS in the rook have been asked nicely, suggested to, asked clearly, been snapped at and still they ignore you.   

Hol asks too much,  IMO.   

You shouldn't have to help her pretend the man isn't pigging up the space.  Isn't expecting the maids to handle his mess.  Neither of you are his maid.   Better he learn that before Hol has a child with him... before Buck lands... before you lose your mind.

I'd say it right to the man....
"Time for you to go now... yup yup yup.... now.  It's the Hut or wherever else you feel is appropriate but it's now and it's all your stuff too.  Lets go... out."

I'd repeat that and only that....  maybe remind whoever gets in your face they were warned,  consequences were laid out, those consequences were real and it's time to go... out the door...
 now.... all his stuff.... if Hol is too upset to remain in your home, she should take all her things and go with the chucklehead.  It's time.  He has to go.

Rinse and repeat till the problem is OUT of your space and knows he can't touch any of your tools vehicles, daughter without the next set of consequences falling on his head.

Is that too strong?  I don't feel it is right now, but you're more than capable of handling this,  Amber and I trust you will. 

Lighter

--- End quote ---

sKePTiKal:
Yes, Lighter. I am the sole owner of the farm. The legal puzzle involves titling it in the name of the trust - through which it become Hol's. The lawyer and I had an extremely short, blunt and to the point conversation about my idea of adding her to the title... that dissuaded me from it. And I know, now - he was right. Based on several things, not just this current untenable situation. That is a conversation I will have with her later.

Hops, the act of painting is powerful; expressive in no uncertain - or diplomatic, politically correct - terms. Primal scream type of thing. Even when I'm noodling over a tiny microscopic segment or element of it. Everything about it is from the essential "me" - no reference; no discernable influence from other artist's work; it's a specific magic spell intended to manifest something directly into reality. Dang near a "command" - so it shall be.

The other action I'm engaged in at the moment, is getting the garden area plowed up. At least, today - I'm going to try to give it another shot before rain arrives. It's a delicate dance of timing - to find just the right moment when the soil is dry enough to work up, but still damp enough. The whole point being to turn over the top layers, to gradually work it smaller and smoother for a seed bed - without detroying the tilth, the texture of the soil. It's big tools for a very fine result - sorta like using a stand mixer to get a merangue or bread dough mixed just the right amount, without over mixing. After the first couple years, I won't need the big implements - a broadfork will do just fine. But I'm breaking sod this year; gently terracing - with a lot of paying attention to the dirt, the moisture in it, the amount of rocks - thinking about designing it as much permaculture as I can. Obviously, most garden produce is annuals... but the "good dirt" is scarce around these hills and I need to make the most of my space.

I'm taking an intentional break from the whole Holly & BF situation. When I start to beat my head on the same brick wall of stalemate - or waiting on the responsible parties to step up and act on their responsibilities - I'm too close to the problem, too immersed in it, driving myself crazy to no effect... and even losing "me". So I have the painting and garden to focus on instead... and it's time to get busy on part of the master bedroom makeover. Where John & I removed the fireplace, I want to lay up a decorative stone wall - the background for the bed headboard. I've decided the french door has to go - it needs to be a slider - to maximize the footprint in this room; and I'm likely to add a screened/roofed small sitting porch off of it too. (That will happen when I replace the roof.)

Once the stone wall is done, then I'm putting hardwood down instead of the carpet. I need to call contractor and see if we can get the last piece of trim - on the wall OUTSIDE the bathroom done. And I'm going to reorganize the closet to provide some long hanging space for me, and more shelves for Buck.

lighter:
Amber:

After filling the house with chicken salad, egg salad and poached shredded chicken for easy recipes....
I realized something about my situation.

I feel completely solid in my decision.  DD is nothing but relieved I handled it.  She didn't ONCE try to dissuade me from my course.  IF she came to me with concerns.... and she did....  it was a back and forth between the boy manipulating her with whining, cold shoulders, and insistence she couldn't possibly love him IFshe ALLOWED her mother to send him home. 

Ummmm..... I should have done it sooner is how I felt and I feel more strongly about it with every passing moment. 

DD didn't have the reaction I thought she would, particularly bc I'd extended so much freedom, ZERO control, done the clean up way too often, argued with them about doing chores, and then I STOPPED arguing and he had to go.

It feels like DD lost control and was grateful to have me step up and show her how to handle whiney trauma bonded men... .zero drama..... all business.... a little tinge of regret and dd TOLD the boy ALL the reasons why he was gone.

He whined.... NOTHING is EVER his FAULT, kwim?

Fine.  I l already knew that one.

Whining it was bc of her and her fault upset dd very much, and she came to me with her distress.  It never changed my demeanor... I was always dead set, completely committed to my course and KNEW KNEW KNEW it was the right course for me.

I never ever made it about dd..... it was the boy and MY interaction, feeling in MY home and you know what?  I already posted about this, but it bares repeating.....

the house felt amazing when he was gone.  For all of us. We laughed and joined together and watched a favorite movie and we felt safe and warm and sheltered and......

I don't have a word for lifting and escaping the emotional whiney yolke of a man's insistence WE, me, dd, any woman is the reason he's not completely happy, and/or is the reason he's about to be miserable.... read that as about to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

DD needed to see how it's done.  Even as her eyes bugged out when I kept repeating exactly what I'd started with, despite the boy's apparent emotional......

what?

Emotional.......

ESCALATION. 

And dd expected it bc I'd mentioned it and that I wasn't dissuaded by it in any way and hop, ed she could SEE it for what it was too, but eh......
this wasn't about her.  It was about me, my space and my comfort within it.

The boy is acting normal again,  btw.  He wants to visit again and so the cycle begins. 

I told her about that too, not that I needed to teach the lesson, just saying it bc it;s not going to impact my course of action bc I don't feel the same discomfort she does.  That's OK.  I don't need to change that for her.  SHE can step into that, stay in it, seek it out.....
I'm not doing that, nor will I ever do it and now now now dd believes it and is talking about breaking up with the boy without me mentioning it, suggesting it, or telling she should do anything. 

I'm not telling her what she needs to do, think or feel.  That's on her.

I think know that.... knowing I'm not going to intervene or care about that for her.... makes if feel more real, more weighty, more what it is.... and she can't hide from it, bc I'm not helping her sustain denial an inch.

THIS is what it looks like when a woman stands up to a man she cares about.  THIS is what it can look like if you want to control your world, what you'll put up with, and how you'll live.

DD is calm.  Working on cleaning and editing her bedroom with happiness and gusto.  We work together often, but only when she asks.  It's HER room and I help.  Suggest things when asked.  Other than that...... and bugging her to wake up and not sleep the day away...... she's making her own decisions and growing up a good deal.

When I thought I had to teach her a bunch of lessons.....
it was all jumbled up and scary.

When I went back to what was mine, and what was hers....
it got so much easier. 

I can tell when I'm sitting in my truth, bc it feels solid, good and right.... no doubt. Not an inch.

That's an amazing way to go through a day, Amber.

Amazing.

Lighter

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page