Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
I look forward to reading posts about Buck planting cherished plants, and arranging fossils among the Amber things. It's a sweet thought.
I have to say... I really like the idea of sending the bf back to his own farm. I didn't realize he had a place of his own. That seems like a no brainer solution to all your problems, IMO. I believe I'd release him and Hol back to his farm with love.
Sometimes it feels like Hol is so focused on you she can't SEE this boy... manchild clearly.
::crossing fingers for Buck's safe arrival at the farm::
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Nice... allergy season and a polar vortex in May... on top of everything else. If you keep up with the news, one is risking overwhelming oneself with bad news.
Hol's gf came for the weekend. Lots of hikes & walking around... she set up a hammock and tent and camped... and she and I connected on the topic of grief and losing a spouse - even tho, for her, he was just her Partner. But honestly, every time I revisit those feelings - it gets all tangled up with guilt that prevents me being happy about Buck.
If the weather doesn't break here soon, we're going to run out of projects. I'm working on the big garden, primarily, this year. The big bed has been plowed from each direction; then I added 3 smaller ones; narrower - same length - 90 degrees to the slope of the hill to maximize rain distribution in August. It won't always be this wet here. Right now rain is still too frequent to get to some sections without splashing and wishing I had an outboard motor.
Hol is working on another knitted blanket as a wedding present for the other co-worker on her team. They had a baby last year - and she was just diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. That news hit all 3 of us women damned hard emotionally. We are still hanging out at the farm most of the time. Trying to stay out of each others heads & spaces... saw the contractor last week; he thinks 3-4 weeks to finish the hut is realistic.
I've been adding to my seed stash; talking with M - the master gardener who's working side landscaping jobs right now - about different planting areas. We're both trying to identify some interesting native plants here.
Sat up straight in bed last night from the worst nightmare I've had in a very long time. Might be about my feelings about Buck - or just EVERYTHING going on. I'm not pushing to remember the details of it. He did say that as soon as the rental place opens up, he's going to try to get a truck reservation and head this way - bringing one of his major tools with him. They're currently cleaning vehicles, and told him to call back Friday. For some reason, that freaks me out. Total cold feet reaction. And it has nothing to do with him; or even how I feel about him.
Might just be going from the planning stage to reality; and a 100 anxious what-if scenarios in my head about "how it will be"... that may/may not manifest. After all, the man DOES have a high level of agency... as do most of the people around here. AND he's very kind and wise. But doesn't take his role as a protector lightly. So no idea how that's going to work.
And some of it is my own insecurities; the past emotional life I've lived... and letting all that go. Not forgetting, just doing something new instead.
lighter:
Amber:
It's difficult to calm down after a shot of adrenaline like you've been experiencing. The nightmare. The realization B will truly be there soon.... no more waiting. And I believe you've waited so long you've habituated to the waiting. Maybe not.
The young, engaged new mother..... with stage 3 cancer..... that's a terrible shock too, IME. You KNOW what she's in for... bc you've walked your MIL and darling M through. You've had young children. I've had to picture my children growing up without me...... it's a devastating shot of chemicals capable of driving one into the floor, IME.
At risk of sounding trite....
breathe, Amber. Breathe.
You know how.
Get yourself out of that anxious hole and into the light. Nose off the pebbles. Widen your gaze. See the entire field.
When B arrives he'll have his stance. All you can do is tweak your stance, on everything worrying you, before he arrives.
You have time.
And you're not in charge of making everyone get along all the time. That's crazy pressure. You can't control that situation, no matter how many lists you make or thought you give to it.
Only the part you play. The information you relay to the people around you. The boundaries you set. The consequences you follow through with. The attitude you have when you deliver this information with compassion. Release expectations if you can as a lot of the anxiety likely comes when you're worrying about the future.
Worrying about what certain fearful outcomes mean for you.... you have certain expectations. Your ego needs things to go certain ways, but your ego can't control anything but what you do in this moment.
Tomorrow never comes. It's always right now that we're living. Think about what it is you're resisting..... what is it you can't accept?
It's OK... even when it's not OK.
Everything will be all right, Amber.
I suspect you'll see all the crazy joy around you if you can just get your nose off those pesky pebbles. Not embrace them, or call them right and good.
Just accept them, as they are, bc you can't change them. You can only change your response, ability to respond, and what you focus on... how you focus. Zero judgment. Huge self-compassion.
Remind yourself.... what can you do IN THIS MOMENT? Is there anything? Do it, then put the story on the shelf and get your head back to where your feet are.
You, as well as anyone on this board, knows how some dreaded things can lead to uplifting, unexpected things. We don't know what the future holds.
The dread robs us, so lean into it, without expectation....
oh.....
you know how it goes.
I'm excited for Buck's arrival!
Lighter
Hopalong:
What she said.
All of it.
Bravo, Lighter.
Big hugs, Amber.
Hops in Pebbles
sKePTiKal:
Yes... excitement! still no confirmation on dates yet, so I'm not getting TOO wound up - but he is able to "be here" for me without actually being here. I can almost viscerally FEEL that things are moving to new deeper levels. And while I have some questions, and the instinct to want to manage/organize everything ahead of time, there is something truly fun and energizing about just surfing this, too. Yes...!!!!!! he found & sent me the picture of him in a kilt. I'd sent him a pic of me from the same era - back when big hair perms were a thing, and mine was really long. There are very few pics of me; and damn few proving what color my hair WAS... before going platinum.
LOTS of crap happening at the farm right now. Stucco on the walls at the hut is coming up next; it'll be 2 weeks before her flooring comes in; work outside has commenced - but it might snow this weekend here and the temps are going back to winter again. Now, I have a leak somewhere between well & house. And I have to go over the mtn today... and.... and.... I'm only going to be able to be in one place at a time.
And for today - I'm just gonna close the file on a bunch of things in my head. It can all go in the "archive folder"... and sit there till I'm not so silly giddy happy and brainless (in a good way).
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