Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

<< < (27/122) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Well, she kinda needs her appliances & a bathroom... while everything else gets finished up. And that requires the stucco to be on the walls and the flooring down. So, maybe in 3 weeks a month.

But I guess on the plus side - my anger and need to separate from the crap going on here IS fueling a lot of energy for the painting. Which is storm clouds, an angry sea and a barn sinking in the waves. Heh. There will also be fog... and rain... and it's totally a challenge for me to render those atmospheric effects well in paint and not lose the intensity of the image and it's symbolism.

Bless Buck - he's my safe harbor even in the storms. And we are still playing when I'm not completely in a state.

Hopalong:
Creativity. The painting.

And love. Mr. B.

I'm so glad you have these powerful, powerful forces in you, beside you.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
The one thing I'm NOT is victimized, Hops.

Tired, out of patience, frustrated, angry, fed up, and stressed out - beyond anything in recent memory. Still trying to stay busy at useful things on the farm. I keep reading about potential food shortages and am noticing a great deal of price inflation. So my focus is on food production. Fortunately I have some local, grass-fed, organic farmers who are decades ahead of me, near here. Even through the summer, I will be canning meat, keeping the freezer topped off (and maybe buying another one) and am looking at freeze-dryers. I have a dehydrator already - and so far, not pleased with the results.

But it seems the absolute best thing I can do is social distance myself from the drama-purveyors in my household for DAYS at a time, to allow me an opportunity to deal with my own emotions - and not smoosh those up into a blend of theirs, and my own frustrations. So far, no one is complaining about that.

I mean, I could go so far as to call the Sheriff and forcibly remove the offending BF from here. She could still see him at the primitive accommodations at his farm. Still have her relationship. I did seriously consider this. It's within my property rights - and I have an ace up my sleeve there. If he ever HITS her - I'll play that card so fast they won't even know what happened. And of course - between doing nothing and minding my own business, and that level of protecting myself and property - there are lots and lots of options. Creativity has it's uses... And Buck's experience does too.

LOL... who woulda figured my big tough guy would ask permission to bring his roses, hydrangeas & hibiscus - along with his rock collection (lots of fossils) when he comes? This is gonna be so much fun. First dancing, now flowers... I guess the old saying is true:

"It's better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war".

Hopalong:
I love that old saying! Must look up the source.

I could never perceive you as a victim, Amber.
That said, I think you're in a hostagey situation with Hol and S.
S is the surface target and deserves it, but she hasn't been mature
or responsible herself.

I'm just unhappy for you, because you've worked so hard and had
such grand happy compound dreams for the mountain.

But B. arriving, plants in tow? That sounds like a good man planning to LIVE with you!

Is that it? For real? Either way, I love that he's bringing the flowers....

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Yeah, he's bringing plants - I'd better see if I can get another load of topsoil, LOL. I checked the webpage of the college his D is going to start at, in the fall. Classes start Aug 24, so I imagine he'll be moving her about a week before then. I KNOW Hol will be moved out by then, into the Hut.

She's been keeping busy, with a way to make money outside of film production. (No telling when that will start back up.) She makes leather pouches to wear as a shoulder harness, instead of carrying a purse. That leaves your hands free to manage a toddler, dogs, groceries, etc. Sent a set as a "smile" to a coffee shop owner - who wore them around  and got a couple people interested in getting their own. They're only good for the essential stuff - a couple cards, cash, phone - not the gramma sized, all purpose emergency kit some of us struggle with. And they're CUTE, too. She's also experimenting with other kinds of bags - made a very simple, pretty one for Harper, the 7 yr old artsy niece (it's pink suede and she embroidered it too). Her assembly/design time is down to about two hours for pouches now... and she usually prices them around a couple hundred dollars. They're sturdy and secure those loose bits we need when you don't really have pockets; don't want to carry a purse... so I think she can do pretty well.

It's important to her - and to me - that I don't add any more pressure on her to deal with this BF, than the unavoidable expressions of my emotions that will erupt from time to time. So I have basically re-invoked the force field around me... shifted my personal schedule enough that I can avoid coming into direct contact with either one of them... and am constructing myself a cardboard box (imaginary) of  just the things I want in "my world" fulltime... and shouldn't be impacting mine this way - when her goal was to "help mom around the farm". I can fully accept that perhaps for her - nor me - was it ever intended to be a full-time thing. I know for a fact, that in her own way, she's doing the work to sort this out for herself. And I'm standing back as much as I can.

There's a big difference being ready to let her go - and live her own life, with her own rules & habits - and me rejecting her outright. That's a subtlety that's lost in an argument, usually. Two fierce Amazons going at it, very few holds barred? LOLOL. Not completely rational. Nor really communicating anymore. We both recognize that.

What I lack, is the "my age companionship" with common experiential background to pass what is physically undemanding "down time". Buck is definitely going to help there. But so will being able to get to see my friend from over the mountain. These guys are definitely dealing with the "OMG, my life is half over... " panic and all the looming mortality issues that come with it. And still haven't reconciled the idea that grief is a natural part of life, as is death, yet. And that living in abject fear of that -- steals what life one does have.

I'm just a couple turns down the road past all that. And it's tiresome (and pedantically tedious) how much time & effort is being put into that around here. Sheesh. Maybe I'll shop online for dancing shoes again. Still haven't found anything that screams "buy me" yet.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page