Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
Organization, management, coordination - so that I'm not blindsided by the kids starting new projects without consulting me, or doing things that aren't particularly legal, general consideration and communication processes for all of us to follow...

that kind of leadership.

sKePTiKal:
Just a heads up that I might be on the quiet side for a bit.

I'm processing a bunch of things; including some realizations; and because so far, the winter has been mild - there is "doing" already too. So, until I get it all coherent... I'm digesting and won't say much until I can describe or explain and not lose you all.

lighter:
You didn't lose me, Amber.  I think I'm experiencing similar frustrations with boundaries around adults and adult children in my life too.  It would have been perfectly perfect to have boundaries perfectly in place all these years, but it's not the case.

There are so many layers of complicated feelings and history to sort through.  We don't want to do harm or make people feeeeeel (insert deepest fears.)

It's not simple and I hope you find clarity and peace with decisions that come from an intuitive place.  If we neeeed everything to make sense on every level, for everyone, maybe it's time to shed levels. 

No decision, or boundary, will feel right for everyone, or make complete sense to everyone and that's OK.  These are your boundaries.  They only need to make sense to you and it's not up for debate.

::uncrossing eyes now::.

You'll do just fine, Amber.

Lighter

Hopalong:
(((((Amber)))) --

It may sound goofy but one of the ways I ask myself, how much stress is Amber feeling right now...is to ask myself: How abstract is she being?

If we follow, we follow, but if we don't, we're still here for you.

Personally, I'd rather hear you ramble than not hear you, hon.

Big hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Snow on the ground already here this morning; hot dark coffee in my coffee hole. I've started hanging out in my "nest" in the mornings - journaling, researching some stuff. It's a chance to chat with Buck as we wake up and sort out our day. The little routines that people create in their relationship. That kind of thing is INCREDIBLY comforting to me.

Well, my "leadership plan" is going by the name "charter" now. When I started writing things down, I wound up with a list of 10 or so "virtues" or philosophical principles that are the foundation of developing a working relationship between us and my vision for developing the farm to sustain US and be self-sustaining. There is some redundancy in that list, so it'll be condensed and refined. I just had to start putting my feelings into words. As I moved on into structure and logistics, even MORE feelings started showing up. My discomfort revolves around people not understanding - or just innately knowing - what is required in a group living situation. And the privacy issues which are inescapable. Separate dwellings will relieve an awful lot of that automatically. But what remains, is the fact of my ownership & responsibility -- and I need to make it absolutely clear what I refuse to be responsible for; for what is THEIR responsibility.

All wrapped up in that, is also my boundaries for where particularly Holly's input isn't asked for, welcomed, required or appreciated. If she was truly practicing empathy as claimed, she would accept what I've explained about the work I've done and the "level" I'm at; instead of constantly expressing the message that there is something "wrong", that I need to address; that in HER opinion isn't satisfactory - nevermind it suits me just fine. She is not accepting that I can intentionally CHOOSE to live a quiet, slow life and not seek a lot of external inputs from the world at large. For her, I understand that's form of misery that fuels her frustrations. For me, I find it liberating. Why can't it just BE that we're different?

Her perceptions are a tad distorted and disordered and it is offensive to me, that she doesn't take my word for how comfortable I am with the work I've done years ago and where I am now. I catch her projecting a lot. Sometimes I just let it go and note it to myself. Sometimes, I'm able to gently point it out -- without pushing her hostile defense button. She will be going back to work (as things stand right now) in March and will live in Baltimore again those months. If the pilot episode is picked up, there could be 5 years worth of work. Hopefully, she'll take Steve and the dogs with her because he is a major part of my discomfort. VERY seldom speaks directly to me; VERY seldom makes eye contact even. And doesn't exactly consult me on things he wants to do. He operates in a universe of 1; even where Holly is concerned. But she's taking the co-dependent position and assuming she's responsible and she dare not express her fears, concerns, needs or else risk the ending of the relationship.  <insert mom frownie face>

The Hut will be getting finished while she's working on this production; she'll be beside herself with trusting the contractor & me to make the decisions she would make... and has already had one panic attack regarding her windows and sliding doors. She is already chewing on the decision of turning it down. But I know for a fact that having a structured life, with challenges to her creativity and problem-solving skills, along with the accessible external stimulus that exists in a city would be a huge benefit to her right now. Balancing the time she has to naval-gaze and redesign all the people around her here.

So - she's feeling pressure and yet having a hard time deciding what she's really going to choose to do right now. Several of her good friends are working on this same production and being in those relationships on a daily, working basis would provide some perspective for her. She is craving that. As a counterpoint to what exists here - wide open space, peace & quiet to hear your own thoughts, and a continuity of energy through all the seasons and life cycles. Out here, one has to create one's OWN structure and routines and self-motivate. One also has to be thinking one season ahead to tasks, maintenance, etc. Things still unexpectedly break and need a quick reaction to deal with it -- but most of the planning, organization, and management is always future oriented. MOST of the tasks are the same, season to season... so those can be listed/communicated easily.

But I'm adamant that the "farm" isn't ever going to be a commercial ag place during my lifetime. Not even small time. What we produce will be for us - and if we choose to share we will. I am willing to include individual's commercial enterprises however. Bringing in dollars, for themselves. I'm covering all the expenses around here so far - but that is going change over time, too. I want people to explore and refine their skills, and learn new ones. There's Hol's sewing; Steve's mushrooms & herbal tinctures; Buck's metal work... my various mediums.

So, when I joke about starting my own country... there is a nugget of seriousness in it. Independence is one of those virtues on the original list... and I need to sort out how individual independence can co-exist with group goals/directions and how that necessarily limits my authority/responsibility. After all - it's Hol's future home too. She also has a vested interest here.

So it's ALL boundary work, but in the form of an agreement for how we'll all be able to be happy doing what we want to do here and work well together.

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