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Farm Doin's - 2020

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lighter:

--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on May 26, 2020, 09:07:13 AM ---Yes it's a relief. We've done some imagining how it will be - whether we'll still hang out in the studio together, front porch sit... whether I'll visit down at the hut, etc. Just feeling out individual and joint expectations and daydreams. S actually helps with her controlling her drinking. Until he triggers her anger, that is. LOL. Same things that bother me, DO bother her - but she's trying hard not to admit that. LOLOL.

S is an enigma to me. I can't for the life of me suss him out - and the only things that are even close to coherent are pretty negative. But for now, it's pure bias on my part. It's not possible to discuss any of that with him. As to the birds - yes, we already have mature geese; lost some chickens; the fence went up to try to contain them (mostly successful) and we've added guinea keets now. He mostly cares for them and has been improving their shelter. Hol hopes to have her own pond - and then the birds will move. I will kinda miss seeing the geese playing on the pond.  That sounds so peaceful, Amber.  I'd miss the too.

We've gotten as far as agreeing on a process for planning, approving, etc various projects... and I will also have a land lease agreement in place that will protect both of us - and spell out the basic rules. It helps actually, that Steve is privacy-minded pretty much like me and is already comfortable with the lack of external "entertainment" out in the boonies. He is still abnormally quiet - but he DOES seem comfortable enough talking to me one on one casually. And after the tool-upset... he's learning.  Ahhh, he can learn!  That's huge.  Also, I'm glad you can BE with him comfortably now.  I'm not able to do that with dd's bf right now and we;re going to have a chata about it tomorrow.   

Part of that issue - Hol grew up on the first homestead; she KNOWS how many rules were in place to insure that we preserved tools, didn't make extra work, and took care of our investments - whether stuff we bought or grew or built. S grew up in Chicago - and simply doesn't have those habits yet. We didn't have a lot of money, so it was IMPORTANT to take care of tools, because you may have to do without if you didn't have the money - or availability - to get more. Putting things back was critical when more than one person was working - so time wasn't wasted looking for things.

S never learned things like that before. So, while my mind is boggled that someone who claims an affinity for stewardship... feels it's fine to litter, and not take care of tools which let you care for your plantings and animals... it's less the "not caring" variety than just sheer ignorance of the requirements of this lifestyle.  Well, has he stopped littering and scattering tools to the wind? 

I'm scary to him, because I can and DO, express anger in it's pure form - emotionally & verbally. I'm very seldom physically angry... but when I am it's contained inside my skin with no outward actions. And I s'pose that might look like a manifestation of Kali. LOLOL. The dangerous goddess. Lightning in the eyes... stormclouds on the brow... every molecule vibrating at nuclear meltdown frequency... angry. Oh, and I'm LOUD. I'm sure I was heard all the way down the hollow and maybe over the ridge.  I'm glad you can express yourself, Amber. I'm having a come to Jesus chat with myself about how to handle this discussion with the bf.  I think I'm scary to him... well. I know I am.  I don't want things to be weird, if he's going to spend time here. I want to have an understanding, like you seem to have with S now.   I'll take responsibility for not being more proactive and getting things straight up front.  He can speak to me respectfully, without finger pointing and whining, and we'll iron thngs out.

Took me an hour to get my blood pressure back to normal the last time; it's been YEARS since I've been that angry. I even scared Hol. (Takes a LOT to scare her; she was a Baltimore bartender.) I didn't realize you'd had a "discussion" like that over the tools, but I'm glad you provided clarity.  It had to be done.  There have to be limits.

That shovel re-appeared out in the barn last time I looked; John found the knife I keep out there.

I guess that's why Hol comes by her "force of nature" description honestly.  Yup.

For all I grew up with Mennonite environments and pacifist behaviors... there is no denying the Celtic/Viking genes running loose in me too. Can & will fight, as needed. I reconciled those two opposites, for the most part but it took over 50 years. And it's still a work in progress. So, that equation looks like - "can and will, but don't like or want to".  I  understand.

Life doesn't give a crap what illusions I might expect from it, upon reaching the arbitrarily-declared "retirement" age... it's going to keep challenging me whether I try to create a place to hide from it or not. No matter how many bits & pieces I've already mastered. And since I don't get to choose who will be Hol's partner... I have to adjust, with as much grace as I can muster - or just be myself. LOL. Sometimes, I just gotta be me... and take the consequences.  Everyone takes the consequences: )

Fortunately, this is one thing Buck already knows about me and he understands it, too.  I'm hoping he'll be the storm cloud to your lightening bolt... on your side, rarely aimed at each other, but capable of holding your own, both of you, if it comes to that on occasion.  Couples who disagree are more likely to make it long term, bc they iron things out, rather than pretend things are OK. 

OK - enough lollygagging! I'm wasting daylight... and now starts the countdown of to-do list before Buck arrives. (So I'm not rushing around or working sunup to sundown...)  I just fertilized the garden, then the rain started so it's break time. Good luck getting everything the way you want it for B's arrival.  And.... remember... if it's not OK... it's OK.  NOthing has to be perfect.  Making time to focus on him and being present is the important thing.  THINGS can wait.  I'm so excited for you!!! Lighter

--- End quote ---

sKePTiKal:
Oh... I can only do so much in the sun anymore. I is pooped.

As for getting everything "just so" - as I look at what I wish I could just task some fairies with... I realize I plain old need help; intelligent help. He'll see it too, if I don't get to it. And we're at the point, that we need to walk and talk about what each of us visualizes. (The beauty of a fellow creative... for a partner.) **

The important thing on the list, is feeding him. Being an energizer bunny - the man needs to replenish calories in a serious way. He can't graze or eat small meals like we do. There is some cleaning I want to do too. Pollen season is about over here... so things outside & in will "feel better" if I get that moved away from the house or washed off. And he truly just wants to spend time WITH me, not doing things FOR me - even though there are some things like that on the list. I need to get him acquainted with the city "over the mountain" too.

That relaxing into being together - I first noticed within the first few hours he was here. He was working on my jeep... I was fixing lunch... a hearty spread to hold everyone till dinner. And it just "felt right"... I was smiling to myself as I worked in the kitchen. Then, he sat where I normally sit - me on his left - and he ate without being at all self-conscious. Told me later, that was something that usually makes him uncomfortable - but he was surprised that he wasn't.

I just truly LIKE who he is. No need to change a thing. As far as I know - and I'm not really expecting that to change.

But of course, little by little, all those little self-talk topics and insecurities are creeping in. Maybe I'm not pretty enough or slim enough... that crap. This poor guy has more bullet hole scars and surgical scars than should be humanly possible... and he was afraid I'd be squeamish about them, even AFTER I told him "chicks dig scars". He still has so much shrapnel in him, he sets off metal detectors. LOLOL.  And yet he doesn't have the ego-attitude so prevalent in some former military guys. He's simple, plain-speaking, honest and kind as the day is long. And working and being busy is how he stays moving and sane.

I still have 2 weeks to go... and we're both so silly excited it's getting rediculous. LOL.

sKePTiKal:
Forgot to go into the bit I **'d.

Buck is extremely creative. He has a lot of interests and is a lot better read than I expected him to be. (He enlisted at 17.) And he's skilled with a lot of different materials and tools. He does some really nice work in leather; he makes knives too - repurposing leaf springs, etc from old vehicles. Wood, is hardly a challenge; he also works masonry & stone. There will be a forge here in the near future.

His imagination is about as wild and irrepressible as mine; backed up with a natural curiosity for new things we might not have encountered previously.

He spent some years of his youth with his grandfather on NC's Cherokee reservation. He's actually 50% Catawba, which was a tribe I didn't know much about - but it's one of the larger east coast tribes. And he spent some time with the Sioux; it was a buffalo hunt IIRC. Rites of passage and all that tradition - which I am familiar with. I learned a lot of Ohio/Indiana Indian history in grade school and in high school got even more involved with that interest; read a lot of contemporary things about that time. I refreshed that again, moving here - because there was a lot of intermingling of tribes in this part of the mountains in colonial times.

I'm pretty sure the Portuguese DNA is due to a pirate in the family tree.  :D

And then, there's the "Black Irish" - which he's informed me was a polite euphemism for Romany. Celtic version. All of which is prevalent in my make up, as well - on my Dad's side, despite the name itself being Norweigan. or Viking, as I like to think of it. LOL. Dad's mom was a Scot, so more opportunity for those Vikings to connect.

And yeah, I know I'm babbling over like a teenager.... LOLOLOL. It's a luxury I can indulge in, given we've already tackled a lot of the practical stuff already.

lighter:
Babble away, Amber.  It put a big on my face today; )

Lighter

Hopalong:
Makes me happy to hear your happiness, Amber!
Anticipation is delicious and of course it'll be different than
the fantasies, better in unexpected ways and odd in moments too.
That's all right, all good. It'll just be whatever it is and you both are ready,
it seems to me. Open and grateful and warm in your hearts. Oh HOORAY.

I love the DNA game, and may have said this already. But I was so excited
to hear a family rumor when I was young that my gfather on one side was
buried in a Cherokee cemetery -- he had great cheekbones, and I have, well,
cheekbones. I entertained myself for ages with my perhaps-part-Native fantasies,
so romantic.

Then I took an intensive course in college called "Images of the Native American in
Western Literature" which just showed how much romanticizing or "savaging" views
were overlayed on complex, infinitely varied tribes. Got involved in AIM to the
point of subscribing to its newspaper and was utterly wrenched when it all sank in.

I'm as morally revolted on what our country has done to them forever as I am about the suffering children still in cages or separated from their parents at our border.

But DNA was still interesting. I am the whitest white woman anybody's ever heard of. All U.K. except for 3% Norwegian. So much for exotic cheekbones.

hugs
Hops

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