Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

I got as far as reading Vine DeLoria's book, and reading about AIM. Leonard Peltier. When my Dad was doing the geneology, he did find a Cherokee connection no one had known about previously. Still don't consider it a strong influence; or myself, a member of a tribe -- more a romantic idealistic connection.

But when you consider my first shoes were fur-lined moccasins from a lake reservation in N. Minnesota - and I spent time around there - there are mental associations for me, with their spirituality & way of life. I took to the deep woods like a little Indian, in fact. LOL... scared the girl scout leaders half to death, but I already knew more about surviving in the woods - and not getting lost - than they did by the time I was 12. My grandpa (the German one) had picked up a lot of Indian lore... along with Emerson & Thoreau... and of course, he and Gramma procured those moccasins on one of their trips to Minnesota. Took me back, WAY up north, after the Twiggy days... where we fished & walked the woods together. And he helped me start healing.

I've spent time at 4 Corners and in those reservations; and also have been to the Redbud. Hiked Chaco Canyon and cliimbed Mesa Verde's cliff face (overcoming my fear - which was HUGE; still is).

So, I'm your basic American mutt. The Amish/mennonite lifestyle was mostly what I learned. On that side, I'm only the 4th gen American. The woodscraft just seemed to be there - along with an affinity for horses & natural riding ability. The stuff from my Dad's side (who've like been here longer, some of them) probably contributes to how much I moved around - seeking - and my sense of accepting adventure. And some odd, undeveloped extra-sensory garbage that floats in/out of my life on it's own timetable. I sometimes "see"; more often just "know".

Buck and I hadn't been together 12 hrs. when I had that strong sense of recognizing him; along with a heavy duty deja vu; and while I don't know know all his "old guy stories" yet... on that deep connection level, I know him. We just haven't started that part of our relationship yet, to know how accurate it is. But so far, I've anticipated him correctly.

I keep reminding myself - this is the visit where we finally decide yes/no - what we're doing 3 months from now. And to keep my feet on the ground and my nose off the pebbles, as Lighter says. And to not let my giddyness and fantasies get away from me - or take me somewhere I don't really want to go. So, TRYING to stay grounded. Hol agreed to give us plenty of alone time - much depends on where they are finishing up the hut as to whether they'll sleep there or not. There IS a large comfy tent located down in the field in front of the hut.

[lighter]

Amber:

Hol and S can sleep in the hut even if there's no electric or water hooked up.  I'm pretty sure it's dried in.  It's dried in, right?  Better than a tent, if they don't want to sleep in an actual tent.  They can have a little fire in the fireplace while sort'a rough'in it OR sleep at S's farm.  SO many choices, yay.

I'd nail down the fact they're aren't going to BE in your house, even if they aren't thrilled with the comforts the Hut can provide when B arrives. 

This is like a honeymoon.

 It's a JELLYMOON!  There;s no room for guests inside the Jellymoon abode, IMO. 
None.  At all.  Nada.  Nicht.  Just.... nuthin available.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well Lighter - they LIKE camping - so the tent IS an option for them. But they will need to shower, etc & eat.

The REALITY is that they are going to be living on the property going forward. So we all have to get to know each other and adjust to another person in the mix as far as group dynamics. And B has daughters too who may visit at some point - oldest is Hol's age. B needs to see for himself the situation too.

I have my master suite at one end of the house; H&S are in the bedroom upstairs over the kitchen/dining. Other end of the house. When they're inside - they hang out there except for meals. They don't even sit in the living room - they watch tv upstairs. Doors close; volume of tv or music provides another layer of privacy.

Hol spends a fair amount of time in the studio sewing on projects. S in his mushroom "lab" making tinctures -- and there are 150 acres of space here; they're both out in it quite a bit - either working or hiking. Once they get moved into the hut - we will need to communicate that we are headed their way... so we don't surprise them... LOL. It will go both ways. By road, the hut is about a mile+ away. But I can see the roof off the back deck -- down at the bottom of the cliff, through the trees. The kids have started to cut a trail, directly up the cliff... but haven't done any more on that yet. Hol says she can climb it in about 5 minutes. And there may be times that's a good thing.

It's been hard for both of them, living in my house. Easier for Hol, of course. I have "given way" to allow them to function together without also including me... as much as I felt like it and was able. I'm sure consideration for a few days will be given. Yeah, there were some weird things at weird times that boggled my mind... like at 4:30 am. And when they worked - they'd often get in in the wee hours too. Just a reality of the commute/working hours - like if Hol had to be on set for a night shoot. We HAVE made this work - not perfectly, all the time - just well enough that the resentment trap has been avoided.

She is already working on the logistics to move again. Things are THAT close to being finished down there. So the 11th/12th will be cutting it really close to the possibility they could camp in the hut... we just don't know yet. OBVIOUSLY, it's what they WANT to do too. We've been working toward this since October. As well as all the other things around here. It's the perfect compromise - of her being here - but we don't have to live with each other. LOL.

And it's HERS. That makes a huge impact too.

B, nor I, will be too terribly shy about shooing them away. LOL. But etiquette and the long term situation does require some interaction - so as to avoid misunderstandings. He has a strong parent mindset... and that will go a long way toward easing some of the awkwardness and change. And as I've said - he's damn good with boundaries. I'm not fussing over this; it'll work out fine.

I'm kinda moving into another mental mode right now. It's probably adjustment to this becoming REAL. And not just "cyber". But, I'm not entirely sure yet. Still doing a lot of just sitting with feelings... talking back & forth about some details... deciding what has/doesn't have to be worked on. Just absorbing. But I've been doing that awhile now... and it might be time to do something else soon.

[sKePTiKal]

Raining and cool here this morning. Got the potatos in finally, yesterday. I'm going to have punt on the garden - and go back to the plow. I can change the blade from turning spades to chisel plow... and perhaps that'll speed up the process of pulling the sod & rocks. Even with the broadfork, I'm only able to dig a couple feet at one time before I need a shade & water break.

Seedlings just aren't looking that strong. Especially the broccoli; time to order grow lights I guess. Sigh. I knew it was going to be a challenge this year. They're in good starting soil; 4 in deep pots; they SHOULD be developing stronger stems by now (2 mos + since germination). They've even had fish fertilizer.

9 more days till Buck arrives. He's recruited a buddy to camp at his place to watch over his D for the duration of the trip. Reason being - the violence in Charleston, is starting to spill out into the surrounding counties. Speaking of D - she's registered now for college and tomorrow goes through a bit of an online orientation for August. So that's still on schedule, too.

With the rain, my work shifts indoors again. Time to clean house more thoroughly, figure out menus, and do the shopping. Might go into town Friday; my GF Deb says TGIF has outdoor seating, but I dunno how I'm going to eat with a mask (required there). Looks like rain most of the week.

I wish my magic 8 ball was working; I keep trying to see what things are going to look like in a few years -- and then I see the most likely probabilities -- and wish i hadn't asked. 

[Hopalong]

Nine days! But who's counting???
I am so happy for you Amber.

And this made me feel a lot better about how things
might feel for you going forward:
By road, the hut is about a mile+ away.

For some reason I'd pictured the hut as uphill and not that
far from your own home. Hmmm. Sounds as though privacy
and independence will be comfortable and not hard to maintain
for all of you. I like the idea of H and S both engaged in craft industry.
Hope it takes off for them.

As to B's visit, my guess is the man will be doing a Real Move
your way not long after the visit. At least I hope it goes that way!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, he was invited some years ago now, Hops. And once he saw how I was situated here... it became the "plan". This was even before sparks flew. Apparently, I chose "wisely" in this location. LOLOL.

Part of that, was I just plain LIKED him, from what I saw. Nothing to date has changed that. Not even the extensive military background - which DOES merit more discussion between us. Part of it was his "never give up" - even in the face of his injuries. And part of that, was my realization that despite my ability to LEARN how to do things - there are simply things that come naturally for a guy who's spent his life working with machinery and using his hands. And he likes to stay busy - that can be arranged. And he's still - even with his difficulties - physically way stronger than I am. It comes in handy around here.

Funny story. On his trip here last year, I took him on a ride to the "back 40" to show him how much land there was; the site of the Holly Hut (he's followed the progress in pics). At one point, there was a tree - not a big one - across the road. He hopped out to move it... and promptly fell on his ass. This old lady went to give him a hand up and grab the other end of the tree... and then it was my turn. LOLOL. It was one of those moments that just felt apropos. Seemed to indicate: We'll stumble along together, figuring out our limits and working together to figure things out. Yes, the tree got moved finally.

Mission: Aegean Stable Clean Up has begun today.

Pollen - is everywhere outside. But the trees are mostly done creating it now, so it's time to wash down the porch stuff. Windows are filthy. Furniture has a layer of pollen & grime. Last step will be to haul the hose up here with my special "washing wand" that will remove all the dog/cat hair, mulched wood chips - thanks Knuckles - etc from the cracks between the wall boards. (Decks need a SERIOUS overhaul in the next year or two; safety issues as well as basic aesthetics/functionality. Some day - it'll be screened in.

Inside isn't so bad; I've piecemealed a lot of the work, so it's not everything all at one time.

No contractors yet this week; no floor/bathroom tile till later in the week... so the kids'll have to rough it. But I DO want them to spend time w/Buck too. Holly is being over-protective of me (it's natural; not overbearing) and I think he can put her at ease. We're all going to be here, going forward, ya know?

The Hut location was important to both of us; me because I'm concerned about the overall development of the property. Her, because she DIDN'T want to be able see my house - LOL. They're down almost to the bottom field, all the glass faces the western ridge - which is the back access into the property via a power company gate. But she is literally 5 mins away.

And I'm starting to think too much again. LOL.

[lighter]

Remind me, Amber.  Did H and B meet during his last visit?

Of course you want everyone to spend time together and get along.  That goes without saying, but you might have to assert boundaries around H's protectiveness and how she expresses it, IME.  Proactive is better than reactive in this situation,  IME.

I loved the tree/falling on your arses story.  Having a sense of humor goes a looooong long way, IME.

I reminded Hops.... I'm reminding you.

Go forward with a happy curious heart.  Don't worry about what comes up, bc you WILL HANDLE IT.  Whatever it is. 

You can always change your mind.  You can always do something different if things aren't working out the way you hoped they would. 

You aren't trapped in any decision once you've made it.  Switching directions is part of life.

Lighter

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Yep, 90% of how the vibes will go and what your loved ones will think of each other and how/whether/when they'll form their own connections or not is totally out of your control, ((((Amber)))). So you might as well release it to the universe before it even gets started.

ALL WILL BE WELL. Observe AND release.

And it was nice to re-read my favorite of Lighter's Awesome Advice. One May Change One's Mind At Any Point. Opens things right up and reduces anxiety.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well - I'm not worried about Hol. She may be a tad surprised at seeing a side of me, she's not really known about before when Buck is around... LOL... but she's pretty solid MOST of the time. We both have some strange moods drop down on us - and tend to gravitate to each other to sort them out or pass the time till they pass. But she's wholly unfamiliar with military culture - and has some attitudes about it, that aren't well-informed. So Buck will eventually open up to her about some of that. She has the protectiveness gene, already. Yes, there was conversation between the three of us - and just the two and them - on the last visit Lighter. In fact, Buck passed on some useful wisdom to her then... which I'm sure is going to come up again, now that she's pondered it a good bit.

A lot of his demeanor is like my Ex#2 - who was a good teacher for her about life things. Not quite a father, 'coz he had his own issues with that role; but he did step up on occasion. She revered him for a long time, before she knew the inner workings of my relationship with him.

It will be, what it will be - and of course, I'm a master peacemaker (so far, anyway)... with the only exceptions being when something rattles me beyond comfort.

Pretty sure there isn't going to be any need to fuss over changing my mind. The more I know, the more comfortable I get - and not passive, mind you. B seems to make it OK and even be a catalyst for - helping me feel comfortable being REALLY ME. Not just fulfilling a role; not just managing situations; not just being what people expect of me. So much so, I've already begun to play with it... see what it's like... and enjoy it. It's like he enables me to fully step into my life.... but I couldn't say that he DOES or SAYS anything to make that so. He just has an acceptance that invites me to that party.

He told me this week, he absolutely adores an independent strong woman. That was a counter to my previous experiences with being found "difficult" by other men. And he's not looking for someone to take care of him; he's got that taken care of. He doesn't need someone 24/7 within arm's reach to feel secure or not "lonely". He's not possessive and seems to have a handle on jealousy, too. So he's secure in himself. Without being dominating or controlling. And damn, he's a lot of fun... even in just little ways at a distance right now, he can make me laugh out loud - at myself, at life, at irony. I can't remember the last time I giggled like this.

Something woke up in him, too - when his scars didn't phase me. And he didn't scare me. We've already talked through the "what ifs" on his medical stuff; even been in close contact his last couple surgeries and the complexities of his situation getting treatment. And what the future of that looks like. And he knows I'd rather focus on the living we can do, versus the probability of the future loss. That's one of the things Hol worried about. But I learned lifetimes of stuff about myself in the process of going through all that with Mike. So, I'm not scared of that either.

[lighter]

Amber:

Hol and B have already met and talked one on one.  That's great! 

I bet things settle down at once.   If they don't, you'll handle it.

All will be well, no matter what. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

He just has an acceptance that invites me to that party.

No wonder you love B.

There's no bigger gift.

Oh my days, land sakes, and other inexplicable geriatric exclamations...

Happy!

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I think I'm a legitimate weirdo now. I got into a really unexpected headspace this past week. Most of the projects around here are at a good stopping point. Hut's still not done; contractors weren't here at all last week. So, there hasn't been a LOT, I've had to do to prepare for this visit. I just really wasn't feeling a thing about B's visit this week. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why - I was just not having any feelings about it one way or another.

Then, I had a weird dream about the trauma timeframe - involving a fire that needed put out - and of course the news has just been full of heartwarming stories -- not. A bit of anxiety, I guess.

Hol & I had a decent talk regarding same. And I spent some time journalling the thoughts... that weren't even verbal yet, so don't exactly manifest for me - as "feelings" until they do have words. But pencil & paper seems to open that door... So what came up, that got me to cool my jets on happy anticipation of this visit, was the spector of past relationships -- where I lost a certain amount of freedom; autonomy; due to being IN the relationship. The essence of that co-dependence cycle, in other words. Which, after some close examination, may have been a pattern-expectation I imposed on myself from the get-go and then set up the expectation in those partners... and that fueled the later resentment.

I was re-examining that idea I've had that just on this side of the line before co-dependence, being in a relationship involves that give & take, taking turns, sharing, and a bit of change & compromise from both partners. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own freedom & autonomy for love or anything else relationships have to offer. Surprise! LOL. B's been single and on his own for a lot longer than I have. It's been 5 years now for me. We will have that conversation. But face to face. I don't think it's an issue - but details are always helpful.

Hol is definitely learning. She suggested that from the start I pay attention to and determine where my boundaries are on that issue. As well as what I may require from B, in that area too. Sort of the practical nuts & bolts of the relationship - a game plan, or agreement open to negotiation/revision - that we haven't really discussed per se. There have been signals given, for sure. It's easy to misread those in cyber communication.

More than that, I kinda have to watch for my reflex - to make myself "needed". I can sacrifice myself on the altar of making myself so indispensible that I end up throwing myself under the bus. When B suggested we take ballroom dance lessons, I warned him - first thing I'll have to do is overcome my tendency to lead - LOL. Fortunately, boundaries are something he is very clear about and gently reminds me, too. I do think, I'm mostly responsible for creating those kinds of relationship patterns. And it's too tempting for partners to not take advantage of that - or at least the ones in my scrapbook collection. From all I know, so far, Buck just doesn't have that tendency.

I've been super-clear with myself about not having any expectations AT ALL from the chemistry, the way we work together, or whatever. I just want to be paying attention - for both of our sakes - to what the experience of actually being together feels like. Which might also be a reason for my whole mental/emotional shutdown - it's like locking up my imagination so it can't cause problems. LOL. Impertinent child that it is. Energetic, too.

So, that's lifted a little. Letting in a little more excitement and fun. Feeling more worthy about the wish I have, that he "come correct" and I get myself put together more coherently, and just accept that THIS IS DIFFERENT than what I've experienced in the past; he is different; I am different. It's something NEW and I have to just surf this too. I can trust myself and my discernment & judgement of my own feelings. It's kinda telling that I usually feel I can trust him more than myself, you know?

I notice, too -- that I'm not even making any menu choices ahead of time. Just waiting for him to be here to participate in those decisions. This so unlike my normal routine - it's actually jarring. Just who the hell IS this Amber???? LOLOL... the one thing that hasn't gone away is the excruciating self-consciousness of being old; how I look; or my tendency to just jump off cliffs........ wheeeeeeeeeee......

He shortened his beard again. And now looks a lot like Sean Connery to me...  since I feel, now, like I'm jumping into very deep water... he'd better teach me to dive properly. LOLOL.

Hol is OK with mom just "checking out" over this visit, since we had our talk about things. I think she understands how huge this is for me. And she knows to check in with me, periodically, to see if I'm OK. But for the most part she has her own stuff going on and will be giving us a LOT of space. She'd better - she's the one who was pushing me to explore something like this, in the first place.

All her tile & flooring is here; the odd finishing touches like wall sconces and ceiling fans are here. She has all the bathroom fixtures and appliances... so we're getting worried about where the contractors are. She's already made curtains (for now, functional - not the final design choice) for all her big windows. Impatient doesn't even come close to describing how much she wants to be able to move out from here - and move in there.

Baking cookies for Buck today, before it gets too warm again. I'm waiting on electrician to take care of some little things around here - so B doesn't feel like he has to (which he's not likely to thank me for; Mr. Busy-Bee) - and I have some regular housework stuff to do downstairs today. I need to stay busy before I go drifting off into daydream land again.

[Hopalong]

(((((Amber)))))

my whole mental/emotional shutdown - it's like locking up my imagination so it can't cause problems.

I think the shutdown is truly protective. Deep within, your wise mind recognizes that you are over-thinking all of this to the point of freezing paralysis OR anxiety overload, or both. You have analysed this LDR microscopically and run infinite experiments: conditions good, but what if this, and if that that, to a huge degree.

You are intensely analysing/fantasizing/projecting what living with Buck might/will/could/might/perhaps would be like, and....

It hasn't happened yet. You're like a reverse Outlander, living in future time.

I'm cheering you on to do all you can (or not do) to let the future control and speculation go and actually tryyyyyyyyy to be present to what IS. What unfolds. What does not unfold. What goes smoothly. What doesn't. Expect all of that WHAT IS to turn out to be what it turns out to be, and release the rest. Open your hands in moments of quiet, turn palms up, and literally release the frantic pondering. It doesn't give you control like farm projects can, that's an illusion. It just gives you fantasy. This is a human project. Those need some fantasy and some planning, but mostly presence to what is real and what actually is happening. There'll be time for post-mortems and reflections. But too much PRE-analysis, or fantasy-based scenario-building, can backfire. (I know because I majored in it.)

What I know for sure is that however it goes, you will be able to live with it and be grateful you took the risk. With, without, for now, forever, not at all, always and forever, for a time, for now, any of those.

You will love and laugh and you will grow and learn. For always. What you won't do is out-plan life.

Hope you get some mellow relaxation and do trust that inner wisdom and give your racing mind permission to use a lower gear. Please, do that for yourself. You deserve inner peace -- anticipation is great but over-detailed imaginings can turn on you and exhaust your spirit before anything has a chance to grow naturally. Your relationship, despite the hours of electronic and phone connection, is a seedling. The thing about weeding or tending a seedling too vigorously, is risk of root damage. You want roots? Stop sticking your mighty brain-trowel in there quite so hard. Let it grow. Let the rain and sun contribute their share. They're free.

Are you codependent poison? Find out. Will all compatibilities on the farm work out? Find out. Will you be calm and content around B? Find out. Will his arrival upset some carefully controlled plans and vibes, or improve what is? Find out.

Just...find out when you find out. By being present. You won't miss anything, promise! (You're incapable of missing much, dear.) And whatever you find out, you will be able to deal with, celebrate, assimilate, let go of, hold fast to, whatever is right you will know when you know it. And only after it happens, not before.

Big hugs and happy thoughts for you when B arrives!

Cookies!

hugs
Hops

PS -- You absolutely are a legitimate, and legitimately LOVEABLE, weirdo. (Takes one to know one....). [Insert heart icon here, mine vanished.]

[Twoapenny]

Skep, in the nicest possible way, I'm hoping you're having such a good time over the next few days that we don't hear from you   You know what I mean I hope the two of you really enjoy the time together.  You've both waited a long time for this; you deserve a bit of fun xx xx xx

PS Sean Connery?  I understand the swooning   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

Noooooo....I want updates!!!

Well, okay. But ONLY a couple days.
(And if you need to post, you post, hemme?)

hugs

Hops