Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOL...B knows about youse guys. He kinda thinks it's cute we've all hung together so long. (He's suffered a lot of real life betrayals.)  I'll see what I can do about updates; just can't promise for sure. 

Huh... that's just it, Hops - there wasn't any anxiety or analyzing or anything going on mentally. I'm as sure as I can be, without spending more time with him, that this is going to be fine - and fun; all around. NORMALLY, though, I would be doing just that; plus running around frantically trying to make things "just so". It just isn't happening. So, I was kind of looking around thinking... what I do now? To pass the time? And there just wasn't anything glaring, that said get up & do this NOW.

So, maybe it was just peace & contentedness. I dunno. I feel pretty dang safe - despite understanding that big change is in the process of happening. (Over the next few more months) Hol & Steve will be in the hut by then - and that's a HUGE project/PITA off my list. It's not just their "stuff"... but we have different ways of doing things and while we've all been uncomfortable in the process -- we've gotten through it pretty well. No permanent damage.

And Buck will be here with HIS stuff. LOLOLOLOL. But then, we'll be merging, organizing (hopefully last iteration of that), and deciding stuff together -- even though he's leaving the interior design stuff completely up to me - even when I do consult him -- there are just naturally going to be things we both collaborate on.

But its precisely the LACK of overthinking this, that was bugging me. It did make space for me to let whatever was "itchy" come to the surface - acknowledge it - and quickly, realize that I've already done the work necessary for me to not have to worry about it now. I don't consider myself all that cool, calm & collected - or patient. But here it is. So, maybe I'll just accept that this is a kind of "new me"...

that whatever lessons I've learned in the past; things I've dealt with - including this awkward living with Hol & Steve and the various houseguest situations - it's OK, now... to let the perception of risk, and the fear of it (due to my own susceptibility as PERCEIVED by me -- go. I moved on. Permanently.

[lighter]

From here, Amber, it looks a little like you're living more in the  moment, worrying less about the future, which means you've perhaps accepted you can't control things or people around you, and can relax into that without the usual distractions.

Now, I might be reading into that, or wholly wrong, but it feels right.

When I read about you not fussing and making everything perfect for B's arrival... I experience an inner sigh I can't explain.... it's so calming and happy: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

FanTAStic.

I must've been exhorting Old Amber, when New Amber already has released all that over-thinking (my minor, btw)....

Bravo, you.

And three steps behind the beat, me.

Hoorays and hallelus...

HAVE FUN!

hugs and happiness, much much--
Hops

[lighter]

::lighting imaginary candles on Amber's outdoor kitchen patio::.

I look forward to hearing all about lovely meals cooked, shared and enjoyed. 

If you don't already have an outdoor shower, I recommend putting that on the list: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - yes; you're NOT reading into it. At first, when I noticed it, I immediately thought - what the hell is wrong with me? This isn't who I am.

But it wasn't shakable. It persisted no matter what I tried. So the only way I can understand and move forward with this, is that I "am" more than I was letting myself be under that limited set of definitions. So.... okay, then. It's an adventure.

And I "think" - that possibly - during the months of navel-gazing and analysis conversations I've been in with Hol and her friend John accomplished a few things that I was only minimally aware of. For me, anyway.

I got to say out loud, about how I see things now; how I see myself now; and talk about the past - as if it were a book I read, that affected me deeply. It is NOW, someone else's story. I am not that person anymore... after the years of solitude and getting to know my self a lot better. And the fact that I can SAY those things out loud now, and express my strong opinions about certain experiences I've lived through is also a new thing.

That "time out" was absolutely necessary for me. A turning point in my life. And while I still have the old reflexes pop up from time to time - gotta love neural pathways, right? - it seems I'm embracing all the other stuff I didn't explore or discover. My tastes have changed... along with a lot of other things. Perhaps they've just been refined; forged in the fire one more time. I know now, that having time completely alone is something I need from time to time and it's not scary... or dangerous... and I can trust myself to take care of myself.

A little bit of that, is due to Buck and how we are together. He is most definitely different from ALL my other relationships. And so far, that appears to be a good thing for me. From a couple things he's said, it seems like it's a good thing for him too - and he's also been affected in a similar way. He isn't pushing any of the codependence buttons - which feels strange, but hey - I'll get used to it. LOL. In some weird alchemy... he makes me feel more self-confident and free. Which is odd, since we're on the verge of an exclusive and intimate change to our relationship.

So maybe this going slow and the kind of bassackwards kinds of things we've opened up about to each other works for us. Time will tell.

I have some things I want to do today... none of them major. But it's the kind "nesting" thing that generates even more comfort and gratitude. The kids are probably going swimming today... so I'll get some quiet time again... to ponder and reflect.

[lighter]

Amber:

WHen B arrives....I encourage you to take things slowly.....
meaning....
give yourself space between feeling and acting.  With B.   The kids.  Yourself.

You're surfing real good now, but when he arrives..... slow down.  Savor.

Take time to BE in a feeling and consider it..... resist doing doing doing... out of habit, for whatever reason.  Go slow.  Be so very gentle with yourself.  Simply BE... and pay attention to the feelings..... notice them and notice if urges to DO DO DO come up... then let them go by.

There's plenty time to put together more lists and there will always be problems to solve.

In the first weeks of B's arrival...... just notice your inner world.  How you're feeling.

Resist noticing what you didn't get done.  How you can solve A, B and C.... proactively.  Screw it.  That's the next phase.  Resist over-functioning in favor of being present....  is what I'm trying to say. 

This first phase... IME.... is to plan a meal ahead..... a load of laundry ahead..... coffee on the patio in the morning.... and to notice how you feel, where you feel it and to HONOR it,  above all.

That's all I have to say about that; )

Very excited for you!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm going to be paying attention to that regardless, Lighter. Yeah- I can (have done) that for days on end. It will, however, drive Buck to the edge of madness.

He is the "energizer bunny" as a matter of survival. The more he works, the better he feels. I've already mentioned that I have some other plans for him than work - and got resistance. There may be some ego involved in that; but he really can't be inactive without paying for it physically. So, we'll dance on that topic... LOL. He does negotiate fairly and understands his limits - along with what he needs to do for himself.

There are many things of this nature we still need to work out between us. So, I'm hoping to mix it up. Praying for rain won't help either; unless it's a storm - he'll still be out in it working until he can't. But we DO have kind of a daily routine down already, so yeah; surfing...

I'm well aware I'm not going to be able tell him what to do. LOL. And he knows the same about me. We'll figure out a  happy balance I'm sure. Even if it's a tad fiery and combustible... we can always go to the river and cool off. Neither one of us is afraid of that... but neither one of us prefers that; it takes too much energy. LOL.

[lighter]

I think there's a difference between DOING stuff and DOING DOING DOING stuff to fill the space and redirect attention and keep you from focusing on your inner world, kwim?

You guys will figure it out.  I'm picturing mindful projects you and B work on together.  At a very slow pace.  With each other in mind.  Lots of banter and smiles and kind touch.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Today is the day B's D graduates. The date/place moved a couple times due to the virus. This is one of his big milestones on the to-do list for this year. That just leaves two more things - complete his training commitment to the Navy and sell his house. He'll settle up with Ex... and then he's free to do whatever he wants to do. And then he'll move her to college and himself here.

It was with relief that I saw 4 contractor vehicles head down to the hut this morning. We're past the timeline contractor thought they'd be done. I'm glad he's busy... but, they haven't done much the last 2 weeks. Instead of Holly giving contractor a piece of her mind... I was thinking about calling, since I'm footing the bill here. She's planning a solstice campout and is hoping to at least have one functioning bathroom down there. Everyone invited is experienced at primitive camping - one is an Appalachian Trail thru hiker. So all will be well. LOLOL... middle aged "kids"...

I'm still in my calm cloud; tomorrow I'll meet him "over the mtn" and he can follow me home. The road sign is covered with tree branches out at the highway; the drive is 7-8 hrs and he'll be driving into the sun... and it IS easy to miss. There isn't a lot planned for tomorrow... first thing he wants is a shower and change clothes... then coffee... and I'll have a meatloaf in the oven and then we can talk on the back deck, go to the studio... whatever.

He's promised to help me get an antenna situated and up and grounded. There are some minor implement issues we could address... some field trips if we feel like it... or we can just hang out. (I'm leaning toward that one.) No actual plan, in other words. But it's only a few days... and I think both of us just want to be together and not be running around "doing" so much.

So, still in my calm place but aware of a building energetic excitement that - for now - I'm still trying to contain. When it goes - the lid will come off and fly for some distance. LOLOLOL. Early 4th of July. We're calling this energy - irresistable force meets immovable object. Tee-hee...

[lighter]

::grinning ear to ear:

Here we go!

Light

[sKePTiKal]

There have been so many unexpected obstacles come up that prevented him from traveling each time - since March - that I just couldn't let myself get excited about something that might not happen again, this time. I do protect myself... probably still more than I really need to...

... so I asked him last night if I could be excited now... LOL... he's picking up the rental in 10 minutes. I woke up at 1 am and started giving him more information about routes. Up again at 6:30 am and still sorting out routes.

I'm drinking too much coffee and having a slow morning. Hol took off to get her car inspected. There are only a couple things on today's list... it seems to be a pretty fine day; mixed sun & clouds; a nice gentle breeze - possibility of strong storms, but I was disappointed last night's forecasted one didn't show up; Freddy's having a nap next to me in the "nest".

I feel....... alive; like 220 volts running through me. Smiling; still relaxed & calm; everything is just fine and will be perfectly OK in about 9 hours. And I'm not the one "making it so" - I'm not the only person who knows how to do that. Knuckles seems to know about the energy shift in me; he's been zero'd in on me for the past 2 days... making a special smiling dog effort to give ME attention for a change.

And it looks like B is happy with the rental he's getting. It has a hemi. LOLOL.... guys.

Neither one of us can wipe the grin off our faces. LOLOLOLOL. I thank the fates for smiling on us.

[Hopalong]

Step

awaaaaaaaaaay

from the coffee!

Oh hon, not sure how you're going to control that team
of wild oxen you have in your brain right now but maybe
plowing [see what I did there? LOL] through this day is
all you can do....

It's still going to end in beauty. Sunset, storm, mist, fog,
no matter what...night and peace and comfort will come.

Sending peace to ground the joy
and happiness and fun and relaxed
company and just the marvel of it all....

I'm so glad for you. Gonna hoist a glass to you two
as my own evening comes on.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, it'll be later on Hops - 10-ish or so - since it took him awhile to load the truck. Didn't get on the road till about an hour ago.

[sKePTiKal]

Annnnndddd.... he's not here yet. Forgot his night driving glasses and had to pull off till daybreak. ETA: about 10 am.
Pffffffftt... plans! What plans?

Surfing......

[lighter]

 Tell me he's there and he's a real boy.

Lighter