Farm Doin's - 2020

[lighter]

Well, that's just about the best argument I've hears for dropping the past and future so you can focus on the hear and now.

It sounds like an amazing here and now, Amber.

::nodding::.

A unicorn, wearing a kilt, taking ballroom dance lessons AND can hunt buffalo in nothing but a loincloth.

Yup yup yup.

I don't think anyone should ask for more.

You embrace and dance and squeeze all the happy you can out of this ride, Amber.

I wish you the best possible outcome... I wish that for all of us.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter. I guess you're right. I'm finding it's not possible to create a rational, reasonable expectation of predictability for the future these days. I've tried. I've looked & looked for anything beyond human nature that was stable and not being impacted by entropy or change that could be counted on remaining recognizable 5 years from now. Heck 5 months from now. Hol told me a couple days ago she thinks the next 2 years are going to be all about huge, very fast change; and not positive change. It was a cautionary statement.

And the past - is gone - as is said. I'm not who I was yesterday, even if I cling to certain ego-persona-attachments. Both Buck and I have a couple of books worth of past experiences. Good and bad. But neither of us wants to do any of that again. But we have wisdom, lessons and skills from the past that will be useful going forward while we're learning the flip side of those things.

So, my understanding of the present moment is that it's a door of chance opportunity, that opens to a path, that leads many different kinds of places - depending on what each of us is carrying. If we carry the past - we can't help recognizing those patterns - and perhaps taking the bait to learn another lesson about that one kind of thing. Sometimes karma influences choices here.

And sometimes that door & path is a leap of faith - into fulfillment of the heart's hopes and dreams. Most of the time, people don't really know what their hopes and dreams are; or don't have words for them. I'm not entirely sure I have a good idea of my own... so this is the kind of the ultimate "release the outcome" response to the universe. Maintaining love, trusting that it's all going to be OK, acceptance that "bad" or difficult things are always existent in life... and staying on the path.

[lighter]

Amber:

I'm saying that tomorrow never comes.  It's always now, this very moment.  That's all we ever get.... that's what's real.  That's where we live, bc that's all we every experience in reality.  NOW.

Hol can share her fears and thoughts with you, but that's what they are.  She doesn't know what will happen.  It's quite a bold statement to make, IMO.  No one knows. 

Everyone can plan for their future, do what they can to deal with good and bad scenarios, but what if we can't put those stories down, and turn back to living in the actual moment,  the ONLY moment we'll ever have to live in?

Worrying, thinking, planning and trying to see into the fugure is a coping strategy.  It fills us with anxiety and we dump chemicals and  have racing mind syndrome, and we plan and plan and go round and round and.....
and live in our limbic systems, then wonder why we're feeling anxious, and fearful and that's a choice to live that way. 

Doing what we can, then putting ALLLLL the stories on the shelf, so we CAN be present in the moment we're living... where are feet are...... engaged and awake for what's happening to us NOW.... that's a choice too.

Neither are wrong or bad.  They're just choices. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amen to everything.
What a great discussion.

I felt badly for the buffalo.
But I still like B!
(And A&B...)

I fear a Great Depression
which I think is coming.
But agree with Lighter that
fear of tomorrow poisons today,
being present.

Thank you both for all this thinking.
And presentness.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, yes Lighter. I've been schooled in that kind of present moment thinking. BUT...

unfortunately, I MUST glean the lessons from the past, such as they are and even when they might not directly apply to the present...

AND at least gather enough information (if any is to be had) to plan for the future - as I have a business to care for, the employees livelihoods, and my (growing) family to support. They all need a careful, wise hand... and much of our income depends on me making forward-looking decisions. I simply can't ignore it in the realm of business, income, or needs of the farm for sustainability and simply "trust" that the universe will provide. I'm a bit frazzled over the LACK of information available with which to make an informed decision in this area these days. And my retained experts aren't any help at all either; they are throwing up their hands and stating "who knows??"

I still wear a lot of different hats; and I'm still where the buck (oooo freud strikes again!) stops.

My work next week is already determined; and I'm not thrilled about spending time with all those numbers again. BUT... I'm the person that's supposed to do it.

[sKePTiKal]

Procrastinating, avoiding, resisting the spreadsheet and research work... still. Hol had a followup appt for her ribs and got to see her xrays. Only one rib is actually broken; the other 3 are cracked, but maybe not all the way through. Healing is estimated at 6-12 weeks since she's really healthy and in good shape and relatively young.

She stopped taking the painkillers early. They were letting her subconscious sneak through and provide what I thought were USEFUL images/feelings - but were also terrifying nightmares. That was the extent of my comment - because if that situation had come up so powerfully for her, she isn't going to be able to ignore it for long. She'll have to work through it. And I have my own take on it - and need to ponder it somemore without critique. Just in case she asks.

Buck is waiting to hear what dates/where he's to report for this training. It should last 7-10 days and there will be total radio silence between us for the duration. And his D is waiting on college information too. Which will be the next thing. Sell the house & move.

And of course, he had to cut his hair. His D did a great job, IMO.  It was well past his shoulders, giving him that dark brooding Viking look, even if he is more compact than that. And now, it's as short as it can be without shaving his head. Gives his visage the same look, but older, as the kilt picture. His hair was much darker then, too. But I didn't fall for his hair or lack of it...

and the radio silence timeframe isn't going to be too difficult. We have a strong open channel of telepathy between us. May not get a lot of details out of it, but I know when he's asleep or totally occupied... and when he's thinking about me. And vice versa. :shrug: maybe just a fantasy too... but it's a comforting one.

I'm looking forward to a long winter of thinking about and designing a shared space... and maybe some trips, here and there - though I don't know how far afield we're going to get yet.

The forecast is for abominably hot temps here the next 3 weeks. I MIGHT be able to get the rest of my medicinals in, but we're currently going through the annual emergence of "no-see-ums" too... and Hol & I both are fresh meat for those bugs. Much more unpleasant than mosquitos or black flies. So it's the perfect opportunity to do my financial stuff, right? LOLOLOL. Finish the master bedroom reno, too... but oh so UNmotivated.

Looks like 2-3 weeks till Hol moves into the hut. Hardwood & tile are going down. Hickory hardwood in the dining room and master bedroom; tile everywhere else on that floor - a dark charcoal porcelain; the walls are a light creamy stucco - "not" white - LOLOL. Downstairs, same walls, floor will be polished concrete and the woodstove will be located there, which should keep the worst of the "wood dirt" contained. I might order her a set of tools like mine and an ash bucket. (I know she didn't think about that yet.)

She's started making curtains for that wall of glass... hee hee; sun makes it really hot in there in the afternoons. I'm really proud of her; designing it herself - it grew a little when she thought she was pregnant - but it's elegant, simple, quirky (she is the color/pattern master for combinations) and very much did what was needed to move things along for the contractor without being one of "those" clients where nothing's ever right. She had to compromise on some things. And she still needs the plumber/electrician back to finish up... but it's very very close now.

This kind of description just doesn't do it justice, though. Maybe while I'm spending so much time on the 'puter I'll see what I can find for image services these days. Then, it's just a link to post here. I can even PW protect the pics.

Her aesthetic is even more ecclectic than mine is. Lots of rustic - she got unfinished lath to put up on one accent wall; think old barn wood but smaller strips. There is mid-century and minimalist modern too. And then her collection of the quirkiest art & stuff you could imagine. She's thinking about getting away from this place for awhile too, when the house is done.

Still absolutely no word about work for either one of them; and both are looking at the alternatives for income. One big advantage for her, is that except for propane and the "land lease agreement", and perhaps insurance costs (we haven't talked about that yet) there are no regular expenses after the contractors leave to live there.

[Hopalong]

Wow, the Hut sounds like a dream, Amber. How beautiful.
I have lived online in sustainable modern houses for ages, and just
love the feeling of so much light, and simple surroundings, and art....
sounds incredible.

I'm glad you have a plan for Buck's NC absence, and that he has
one in place for moving. I'm just soooooo pleased for you.

I keep thinking "what Amber does is work on the mountain" and forget
all about the fact that you still have a family business you are involved in.
How often do you have meetings/discussions with the folks on the ground?
Are y'all Zooming a lot? Is it pandemic-proof for employees? On site?

I can't imagine how many plates are spinning in your head, on sticks.

And no-see-ums, ugh.

Hope you enjoy this hiatus and kind of suspended time. I think you
will and hope nothing spoils your peace. Glad Holly is healing too. That must've been wrenching, that fall and pain.

Meanwhile, taking really good care of yourself despite spreadsheets sounds
like a wonderful idea. You deserve it. Health, happiness and peace of mind.

Big hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Forgot I hadn't responded here. I seem to have two speeds these days - idle, and 90 mph. But the idle phase, is when I'm doing a ton of head work. It just looks like I'm being a slug. LOLOL.

I'm careful not to mess around with the daily affairs at the shop, so I check in once a month or every two weeks depending on what's going on. The employees have been there 10-20-30 years for the most part and they know what  to do. My guy in charge and the bookkeeper have been there close to 30 years. Thanks to strange economic investments nationally and internationally - we've been kinda treading water for the last 5 years thinking/hoping that things would "wake up" and starting building/making again. It hasn't happened.

And now, Covid and shutdowns, transportation delays, and item availability and social distancing requirements are impacting the companies who generally buy our stuff. Catepillar's sales are down 20% so far this year -- and I'm sure their production is slower than that because they built up dealer inventory at the end of last year.

We're "essential" - and the employees wouldn't have been able to make it on unemployment anyway - so we kept going. For their sake. No one's been sick, thankfully. The bookkeeper is in her 80s now; she's been working at night for even more distance. We're small... so we can have more flexibility like that. If we had to, we could separate people in the shop even more by running multiple shifts... with shipping working to get product out the next morning.

There is just a strong sense of fear and uncertainty running through all levels of society right now and it's impacting businesses and the economies around the world. With 50 states having 50 different ways of addressing the virus - and all kinds of variables in their production/sales environments - it's generating some additional chaos; supply issues; and the whole process is starting to look very very shaky.

It's just like the toilet paper shortage - Kimberley Clark, et all - have two kinds of production facilities, each specializing in either home or commercial products. When the run on home TP hit - there wasn't any way for the commercial facilities to retool (think big money and time; and if you want quality - it either takes more time or more money) and then put it all back, IF the situation was temporary and short-lived.

Welcome to one of my worlds. LOLOL.

That's actually been hard for me to get across to Hol. It's not like I have a job, with set hours and things to do every day. I'm spending time doing the research, gathering information/data, and trying to create a strategy that will let us adapt to whatever conditions we might have to face... always keeping the best interests of the employees and long-term sustainability of the business as the most important criteria. She is having trouble grasping that or seeing the things I actually DO. Because I'm usually parked in front of a screen doing research, reading government economic reports... networking with some contacts who are well-placed to assess the same kinds of things.

---------

Hol can actually move some of her kitchen stuff this weekend; the tile along the single galley wall is done. Well - not her personally. John had to stop in to pick up some mail, so the guys will move it and Hol will drive using my trailer. Her kitchen counter is really just a long narrow table affair she had custom made by friends she knows in the city; it's gorgeous. She'll use open shelving for everything else. Hickory hardwood is done too; the rest of the tile would be done, except somehow the grout she ordered is the wrong color. No idea how that happened. Lots of tile left over from both of our projects and I think the colors will even work together.

The woodstove will be downstairs backing up to the wall supporting the stairs, so she's thinking about using the extra tile under the stove (floor's concrete anyway) and up the wall behind the stove.

Rick will be back, with his backhoe to dress up the driveways with the shale he's already dug -- clearing out the space where Buck's metal shop is going to be. Which I have to size/get a ballpark number and try to get ordered asap.
---------------

Hol's healing up pretty good. Doc told her 6-12 weeks, and because of how fit/young she is (42 is young?) that she'll probably heal in the shorter amount of time. She is walking to the hut & back every day; doing some packing to stage for the move; and cooking. A little sewing, but her stool isn't stable enough to spend much time on it and she hasn't tried to get my chair (which I know will work at that table) yet. She's not in the mood. Speaking of mood - that seems to be stabilizing these days. (Fingers behind back; crossed)
-----------------

Buck is busy too. He's trying not to slow down - even though heat indexes there are through the roof - to keep to his timeline goal of late August/early Sept. for his move. Navy hasn't contacted him yet with specifics, so next week. He did say often he only got 5 hours notice before being expected to be ready to deploy... so this is SOP.

This couple of months feels like the home stretch to me. He and I have said all that needs saying for now. So we're mostly "doing" the stuff that makes it happen. I tend - sometimes he does too - to drift into/out of highly emotional states. I know it's a more of a shock to him, because he's just now phasing out of a long time of it not being safe for him to feel. Too much pain. I just feel a little goofy; slightly embarrassed that even at my age someone could rock my world like this.

Fortunately, we're both very practical and our needs are aligned on the goal of turning the farm into a sustainable system, so there is never going to be a time when there isn't "something to do", if we need something to do. Our skills/knowledge compliment each other to make that happen.

And I think he's going to find that he can have a social life again here. Rick's already invited him to hunt rattlesnakes... LOLOL. That is right up Buck's alley. Rick's wife is nice too. Ronnie, his brother, is getting around alot better and those two can compare notes on spinal injuries. As long as Ronnie minds his manners. Even Rick tries to rein him in.

It's been difficult to cope with this heat wave. My poor plants are pretty much compost. I MIGHT be able to save the medicinal herbs by getting them in the ground - the bigger ones anyway. Grow lights are a necessity; not an option anymore... and covered growing space, too. Hol is going with a walapini; I'll probably go high tunnel. Only thing I got in the ground before it got hot was potatos & half the herbs; and they're doing well.

Honestly, having fewer hats would be nice some days. I find myself spinning around looking for the next thing that needs to be addressed RIGHT NOW... and never getting caught up, much less a little ahead. Still have one more legal thing to deal with - but the business stuff comes first.

[lighter]

Hi, Amber:

The only comment I have is.....
Hol spoke her piece. She doesn't understand what you do, regarding research, business, looking down the road planning directions and moves for farm and businesses.... investments.... future.

That's OK.  You can hear her.  Validate her feelings... opinions.... lack of knowledge and perhaps put that to bed. 

I don't see anything to be gained from her sharing that over and over and over again.  In fact, I'd be tempted to give her little jobs so SHE can do some research, collect information and make sense of it for the business, farm, sustainability and welfare of the employees. 

If watching you do it doesn't clue her in....
perhaps doing.....
will.

You can add her efforts to your research and use it to form, tweak and run down ideas, bc....
90% research
10% execution

I know you want Hol to go back into her chosen career field, so I'm not suggesting you give her a job.  I'm suggesting you give her missions to SHOW her what it is you're doing, and educate her so she stops making assumptions about what you're doing, or NOT doing.

My father would have called it getting out there and getting your nose bloody.  Tearing off a chunk of raw meat with your teeth.  Just.... getting the jobs done, no matter what it takes.  This ongoing research is necessary and part of your reality.

If Hol needs to understand it, so she can turn back to her stuff, her business, her own plate....
perhaps show her.

Or not. 

I'm just so excited about your plans and Buck and Hol's hut coming together.  I can't tell you how satisfying it was to read about the counter top, the flooring, open shelves, and tile.... wood burning stove down below, where cold air drops.... just bananas happy for you all!

::Huge happy smile for A, B and family::

Light

[Hopalong]

Re. being idle:
I tell myself when I'm idle (TR: when I'm breathing) that I'm doing heavy mental work. More of the time than I like to admit, I'm simply idle. Which is why even a big back yard on a small scale feels like Amber's mountain to me.

Got to admit I don't envy you all that complexity, or simply, I'm incapable of it. But it is awesome, mind-boggling to read about. GOOD on you. What a leader you are, and how well you're working to safeguard a group of people's jobs. Bravo.

Wild and likely way-off guess: Does H hassle you about your business work because you process a lot of it aloud with her, or in her vicinity? If that's so, she might have trouble not being anxious about whatever worry/concern you're voicing? (And we all know things don't go well when there're not granite boundaries with Hol...)

I'm vacariously REALLY happy for you, Amber. And for Buck. A&B. What a chapter!

hugs
Hops

PS -- I wanna live in the Hut, if H ever moves out. I'm entirely useless, however.

[sKePTiKal]

If you can sit on the deck/porch and watch - then, there's an important part of the purpose of the Hut, Hops. Watch the light; the creek rise; the birds, etc...

Yeah... I like the idea of giving her something to research. She HAS the ability/talent for that. Her conclusions aren't exactly "too far out there" either. And big YES, to granite boundaries.

She doesn't seem too anxious about this current deep dive, 'coz I haven't said a whole lot about what I'm finding... and she doesn't really feel enough ownership to make suggestions - yet. I've just started and am in the middle; then my printer decided to go walkabout from the network. (Saving that for later; it's REALLY cool downstairs.) But what HAS stopped is the prattle about me not being up to handling things. That's a good thing.

There have been some discussion on "Acceptance" -- and pondering & more discussion on what that means and how it acts as an energy in one's life. So some of her acting out, is balancing now. I just need to stick around and keep an eye on her through the full moon/eclipse; that energy has already been building and it's hard to tell right now which turn it'll take.

[lighter]

Fair enought, Amber.

Light

[sKePTiKal]

Long night of communication under a full moon (if you follow the 3 days of full theory)...

this is the Buck moon. Look it up... LOL. He is THERE, I am here - and yet we can be so together the only thing we can't do is touch each other with hands; touching other ways instead. Argument can be made that's even more important.

He told me in depth how he feels about me. Why this is such an intense relationship - even though I've known him for years now. Explained a little about this telepathic connection, as much as he understands of it. I might indulge in some research about that today. Find something that's not quite so fairy-tale-ish or woo.

And finally, finally the toxins started leaking away from my eyes... from happiness this time. Not loss; not yearning; or frustration... SOME thing; was encapsulating me; holding me back still - and he's freed me from that simply with how he feels about me. I can learn a different way to be alone - this time, knowing he's with me in that private, invisible space. Even when he has to go away. I feel so much lighter and free-er. I've been "claimed"... LOL. After I claimed him last year... after mere hours of being in his presence... which isn't at all like the cautious, guarded, calculated me... so he's had to work through the "what is this??" too.

Last year, in the July full moon - was his last horrible surgery. When I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again. Well, I did. And my "observer" was a busy little thing, this time, let me tell you. Constantly monitoring how I felt around him, doing different things. How comfortable I was - any sign of hesitancy on his part - the subconscious tells we all have about our patterns of being/behaving - what the ebb & flow between us was like. I've done this "first days of being with a new man" a few times; not my first rodeo.

The very first day - he was asking directions to dishes in the cupboards - saying, he needed to know where I keep things. To take care of himself. He let me cook; thankfully he's not a picky eater - as long as it isn't a burnt offering... LOL. I think he knows where my tools are better than I do now. He washed his own coffee cup...

After giving him the tour of the city over the mountain; main thoroughfares from which he could find his way around; he watched how drained I was after the hours there. He picked up on what the reason for that is... and told me it was OK for me rest; he could work on whichever project that was that day. He even overwhelmed me by assuming I knew a lot more about the antenna project than I did and slowed down enough for me to keep up. And immediatelly shifted gears into that slower gear; didn't wait for me to say something -- he SAW it. So I didn't have my usual frazzled brain-short.

I couldn't stand not to be in the same room with him. LOL. You know how you can send pictures, etc from phone to phone? It was like that. Being around him, I was feeling and getting stronger... calmer... free-er of the accumulation of "head stuff" and it was so easy to be in that feeling-space with him; comfortable and nutritious! Nurturing. And it felt... quiet.

It totally doesn't feel possessive or controlling. It's almost as if he showing me who I am; how he sees me and feels about me... and this is, believe or not, new information for me. I can say with certainty I'm never been in relationship with any guy who was so spontaneously, emotionally, giving. And it's so incredibly simple and uncomplicated. He doesn't tell me; he shows me by how he is with me. He knows I can take care of myself.

Hol, he and I were trying to figure out how long we've known each other. How long we've been slowly gravitating toward each other. He thinks it's been at least 7-8 years; and I think he's right. Mike's mom died in 2010. And that was my first encounter with no-see-ums; and he was the source of the cold, black tea bags tip to take the itch down when I asked online. He was my FRIEND first; I was stilll married. And we could've easily stayed that way. And still be close.

And when Mike died, he was there when I needed him -- but kept his distance and maintained boundaries; and didn't press mine. It was only after I was here 2-3 years and most definitely bit off more than I could chew on the work/maintenance side of things that he rode to my rescue. LOL. He stood up out of the truck and I flew in for a hug... and then took a good look. Not at all what I expected or visualized. But I did like what I saw. And then I was flabbergasted by that feeling of giving from him... and he just ignored all my attempts to scare him off, too. LOL. And didn't think I was totally crazy or that I live in drama-central. (Even tho I think I do, sometimes.)

This summer I met him at a 7-11 over the mountain. He was tired after the long uphill drive so the plan was I'd make sure he wouldn't miss my road. It's gotten a lot harder to find. I pulled in and parked the rubicon, jumped out and got wrapped up in a hug that neither one of us let go of... and then I lost him on the curves going home. LOL. Had to pull off and wait for him a couple times. He's not used to driving hills anymore. And I haven't felt so alive and confident - I was showing off a little.

Last night... we both realized we've been looking for each other for a long, long time. Our "missing piece". And things are shifting up a level in the commitment arena. But except for knowing neither one of us is going anywhere and we don't want anyone else... I don't know that we need any of the other bits of commitment. We'll see; there's all the healthcare stuff... but Hol is POA for me.

We'll talk about all that later. But the plan for him to move in is still ON, and can't happen soon enough to suit me. The level of trust I have with him is such I think all that other stuff will resolve pretty easily, once he's here. The next couple months is going to be:

"The Adventures of A&B - The Beginning" -- even though we've known each other so long.

[Hopalong]

The love story of A&B is very beautiful.
So happy to be reading it!!!!

My two favorite bits:

the toxins started leaking away from my eyes... from happiness this time. Not loss; not yearning; or frustration...

HAPPY TEARS. What a healing thing to happen. I can feel your relief.

I can say with certainty I'm never been in relationship with any guy who was so spontaneously, emotionally, giving. And it's so incredibly simple and uncomplicated. He doesn't tell me; he shows me by how he is with me. He knows I can take care of myself.

Absolutely wonderful. Simple. Straightforward. Real.

Oh YAY. So very happy for you both!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Buck got his orders. Report the 24th. Take covid test on 17th and again when he arrives. And radio silence for 7-10 days. So worst case, back August 3rd. Then they need to process his retirement. Somehow I'm imagining a few glitches in that process.... despite the fact that this year he needs to sign up for social security. Breathing.

I haven't said much, coz with the heat wave, I've had to find things to do inside. And that involved a lot of head work. Which hasn't exactly been comforting. But I have options. And I cleared a lot of old tangled cobwebs too. Breathing.

Hol's healing up well and got back to mowing today; she and I solved a repair issue on the mower today. Her head is in a peaceful place. She has friends coming to camp at the Hut site to help her move next weekend. She THINKS it'll be time. I hope so... contractor is already 6 weeks past when he thought they'd be done.

Lots of change going on. Quickly. I'm rolling with it. Some days easier than others. But one thing I've recently learned is that making sure I'm totally safe and guarded and never taking any risks.... isn't exactly "living".

And I'm choosing living. No matter what ELSE pops up on my radar.