Farm Doin's - 2020

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Skep, that poor boy, what a horrible thing to have happened.  It does really hit home when it's that close - we all read about it in the papers but when it's literally on your doorstep it really brings everything home.  And to think other kids can do it.  That chills me.  Sorry to read it.  And agree completely with people not doing a good job - it's very hard to get anything done well here.  A lot of people seem to focus on doing as little as they can get away with.  I had a guy give me a quote to wash the windows last October and he said he'd be in touch the following week to sort out a time to do it.  He called last week!  Mad people.  I am sorry about the boy, that's awful news xx

[Hopalong]

I'm with CB on this, Amber.
Your minor detail via spidey sense may actually contribute something useful to the timeline. Even if it doesn't, you will have the understanding that you offered and stepped up, fwiw. Imo, that'd be better to live with than the possibility your unknown bit could have helped. They follow up a lot of vague and obscure tips to get to the real stuff, routinely.

I'm so sorry this came so near.
And terribly sorry for the murdered boy.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I'm really perturbed.

I know people do bad things all the time. Even to this extent. But it was the feeling of true, pure evil that has undone me. I touched it. I know what it was. This is my terror-dream.

And I know I'm standing watch over my small flock tonight. HOPING it's totally unnecessary. Hoping the evil spent itself and will be captured in time. It makes me so sad. I can't even begin to find words. That family hoped they'd find refuge. And it IS a refuge. Where did the evil come from?

This place is so pure and peaceful and nurturing. Healing. The energy here is strong. How could evil find a way into this?? I just have to adjust my thinking and realize that of course evil would see this as a target. And I refuse to let it.

I won't have it. I just won't.

Just like I don't allow ghosts in my house. I don't allow that kind of evil around me. Lots of other things can irritate me, but nothing scares the shit out of me like pure evil. For the sake of evil. I simply will NOT allow it to exist near me. Maybe, I'm a total fool for thinking I can take it on. Maybe there's enough hobbit in me, to overcome it. Simply by not giving up or giving in. It's just NOT RIGHT. And if all I can do is put up a force field to ward it off... I will do that. It's not just me now. Hol's energy is there too. And even Steve's. Buck's too.

I want to find that family and bring them them some caring. If they're still here. I'd understand if they ran. None of this makes sense in my world. Yeah, I'm traumatized by this. That isn't at all my experience of this place. And I don't get what would make other teens - or even other adults - think this was a good place to do such things. Totally diifferent energy here. As if any place was a good place to do such things. DUH Amber. There are bad people who give evil a place to flourish.

I dunno. It's partly that visceral experience of feeling pure evil... out of the blue... for no discernable reason that freaked me out and then later, what came to be reality. And the pure tragedy of that reality. In juxtaposition with what I know about the energy of this place. It's protected; this place is. Not by me. I just don't understand yet. But even when I do, I have a feeling I'm still gonna be sad about this. I don't know the family. I'm that much of a hermit. But it doesn't mean I don't care.

This didn't need to happen. It's the true meaning of senseless.

Part of me is just devastated. Why did I ever think I could I teach? How is it that some people are so beyond hearing? Caring? How exactly did this happen? What is WRONG with people these days?

[Hopalong]

No place is a good place to do such things.

Your farm's beauty and peace are not destroyed.
You do not have to evoke magical powers to fight evil.
It consumes itself, ultimately.

Evil isn't a presence, it is an absence of good and peace.
A pitiable glitch, an emptiness, an abandonment of life.

Your good and your peace already outweigh a visit from evil.
It is already undone. Beauty and creativity and goodwill win.

You are surrounded by life and by beauty.

Don't despair, Amber. As ugly as this was, it was not a message
for you or yours. It was not personal to you, the location was a random
and passing event, like a gust of wind.

Don't let it take your peace. You generate your own peace.

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

PS--Your loving attention to each other--and talking about it, all you need to for as long as you need to--will help you and everyone there, heal from the feeling of horror.

If his grave was actually on your property, perhaps you could plant a lovely tree in his name?

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks ladies... I lost my other post last evening; storms have been rolling thru, with serious lightning and the cell tower was down. Along with the needed rain, my sinuses let loose and I fought a headache all day yesterday.

I've known for years - with my brain - that yes, even out here things like this happen from time to time. And all the events took place out of sight on the other side of the ridge from us. There is a small development over there and Ronnie warned me that there is the occasional problem from that direction shortly after I moved in. Nothing happened right within the boundary of my property. The grave wasn't dug this side of the ridge, I can tell you that. My side of the ridge is impossibly steep. We can drive ATV/UTVs up a winding path that been opened up over YEARS and that's about it; it's even a strenuous hike. But the land is basically open to surrounding tracts of land and my chunk is "blessed" with boulders and rocks. LOL. Giant earth granola.

The feeling that settled on me - was exactly that violation CB. Way back when, I was home when I was attacked. And the feeling of evil - of meeting it face to face - was strong then, too. Overwhelming. I do experience things intensely (I tend to think all people do, despite their best efforts not to). Of course, now I know better what to do with those feelings. So I was able to express it the other night... get it out where I could "see" it. And that was enough to finally sleep. Mostly I was just mourning for this young man... regardless of details that may still be revealed about what was really going on... there was a burglery involved I believe... and we are able to defend our property with lethal force in WV legally .... and dealing with my refusal to accept evil around me. Two completely different things for me. Grief is such a familiar old friend for me... I don't resist it anymore. I don't like the feeling of internal pressure that builds up, trying to avoid feeling it.

The sense of evil... MIGHT have a connection to that; but this was more an energy unconnected to the real events that I felt was walking unrestricted around here. In my weird collection of education/knowledge about things like this... light and dark forces are ALL around us all the time. We can choose to tune in our preference, most of the time - until enough force acumulates... or complacency sets in... or obliviousness... or distraction... and then sometimes the dark forces see a chance to push out into the reality a bit more of itself. Tiny influences. Y'all know the yin/yang symbol... at some place in that image... there are two tiny places where there is just a speck of black or white pigment before it changes to it's opposite: that's what I'm talking about here. White has an essence to it and variety within it... just as black does. Neither is inherently "good" or "bad", as referenced to morality...

B had quoted to me, the old "evil lies in the heart of all men" lines... and that's when I realized I mean something ELSE by "evil" than most people do. Now I guess I'll try to figure out how to describe it. LOL.

But first, protection rituals. Yep.... cleansing and protection.

[Hopalong]

I have similar thoughts about the accused rapist next door. He has new charges, from an outlying county. Which I find completely believable, but fingers crossed.

I have used bright powerful energy ever since I moved in. When he tried to get friendly, I would stiffen up into an upright snotty lady persona instantly, and decline my head courteously, and walk on indoors with a regal don't-fuck-with-me posture. (My inner thought is just a steel boundary, a loud kind of "absolutely NOT, I am not going to be pals with you").

He's never bothered me since. He isn't on his property often, thank heaven, although his miserable wife is at times. They have other places. But my hope is that one of these days he'll be put on trial and go away for a nice loooooong time. Bad vibes, but also coward vibes.

Being good friends with two other neighbors feels protective, and I sense he won't aggress where he lives.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I was so sad to read about the death of the boy in your area.  There's no explaining that kind of horror, IME. 

I've experienced the presence of an evil person or people.  I can't say what that is, exactly, either.  It felt like molevolent energy... super focused energy.  Looking for a place to land and become more of what it was.  It was looking to exert itself on others, to be seen and felt.  To impact others. 

Maybe those people don't feel they exist unless they're exerting force on a more vulberable person.  I have no idea. I'm not built that way.  I catch myself trying to picture the people, causes and conditions leading to this..... state in a human being.  It's always a mistake. 

 There must be levels of evil.  Of energy always looking to inflict trauma, and energies finding opportunities and seizing them, when they otherwise might not be so focused exclusively on doing harm.

I don't believe any child is born with a malevolent spirit/energy/a will to do harm.  I supposed there are children in the world who's stories and parents would give me pause, but I have to believe there's something acting on them... something creates that change in them.  That's what I believe today.

I absolutely believe in our innate sense of identifying predators and prey.  Of BEING one of the other, as well. 

 My youngest dd had a friend over the other night.  DD's older cousin said this friend gave off "kindnappable" vibes.   Niece just zeroed in on what is a likely truth, quickly.

There's evil we can talk to, and evil that's coming at us, bc it's come at many people before us, and will go on attacking those who come after... until caught or stopped. 

Assuming the best in everyone is..... something that's not normal, iME.   It's something that's trained into people, mostly women, IME.  I think some parents do it to their children bc it makes their lives easier... things like...."You don't hate that dress..... you don't like those pants... you don't dislike playing with Jenny, etc."  I know there are parents who DO intend to harm their children.  I think many just don't know better.

To ignore one's instincts is counter intuitive.  To train someone to ignore their instincts... is..... can be many different things.     

I hope we all, on this board, choose to honor ourselves and our instincts above all else. 

I'll be curious how your ideas around evil develop, Amber.

Hops:  I'm so glad you have pooch there.   She's not just a great companion.  She's a willing early warning system.  Dogs are born protectors of their territory and pack members, IME. 
Lighter 

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - a super-focused malevolent energy - is REAL close to what I felt. But it looks to corrupt and INFLUENCE other's actions... against prey. Including those of us who can recognize it; we ourselves can be vulnerable.

How it passed by me (even while freaking me completely out) I'll never know. Maybe I still have protection against that, that I haven't recognized yet.

[Hopalong]

It's odd to me that I described using "bright, powerful energy" because the truth is I'm completely lost in y'all's discussion of dark forces and evil and all that.

Seems inconsistent (me). I'm not much of a believer in elaborate energy ideas. But I did describe using that. I think what I felt was something like that...but I was also using class signals, class intimidation. Maybe that's an off-putting energy. I sure knew I was drawing on something protective, insulative. And I know intuition is real, and I believe in the possibility of good things happening.

But I have no belief in magic or special connections with energy fields, or shamanism, or Tarot or astrology, so I'm kind of in the weeds on this one.

I think (for me only) they veer too close to religions, and I find nature awesome enough. I don't feel comfortable about the "supernatural" realms, neither the "good ones/gods" which harm so many psychologically due to a lot of religious teachings (particularly females) nor the "bad ones/devils" which harm even more. I do not believe in a force of evil. Yet I still hold on to vestiges of my childhood faith. Until a few years ago, I held a trace belief in the power of prayer.

Very confusing. I have strong mystical tendencies at times, but as usual, I'm so deeply allergic to definitions of what all that is, that I stick with mystery.

I do recognize there is an emptiness or amorality in some people that show a void, an absence of good, an inability to be moved by empathy. Maybe it's the same thing as what people mean by evil; I'm just flopping around semantically.

My main thoughts about the killer teenagers were more psychologically oriented -- as in, isolated youth with little to draw on, in a bleak rural culture which used to offer or demand vital activities and meaningful, sustaining roles for many of them has been replaced by vacuous media and an extremely dark and dangerous internet....so many are losing their way.

Nothing justifies what they did. But I think the culture has lost old touchstones of community that held youth close and nurtured them. And media and internet and brutal political corruption and neglect have dug pits in a lot of vulnerable kids, to be filled by the handiest cultural trash, which is now flows in a torrent into their minds.

I don't think we should go backward. But we have to find a way to care about our kids, in every zip code, with superb public education for ALL of them, and books and thinking instead of screens and playing...and mentors and extended families of support even if those are made of volunteers. Kids are getting SO lost today.

Some of them are wired wrong and born dangerous, but I think most are born innocent and vulnerable to neglect, to poisoning, to toxic masculinity, to violent culture, to horror, to loneliness so profound it numbs them...and mayhem calls.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Most of my life, I've stayed within those definitions for human nature too Hops. That's why I spent so many years learning as much as I could about those different ways to "explaining life/world to yourself". There is ENOUGH there, contradictory and otherwise, to study for a lifetime.

Chi, as in Chi Gong or Tai Chi, is energy. The chakras are energy. I've always seen emotions as a form of energy.

It made absolute sense to me that you said "bright, powerful energy" Hops; I know the taste of that one, too. That is exactly the energy in the last form of the 103 movements - a "ward off" position/movement. Mayhap we've tripped over a new sometimes topic here for insights & discussion. The number of symbols - across faiths & the arts - that represent that energy standing against "evil"... is HUGE.

IF, it's accepted that light and dark always co-exist within the realm of life and human experience... then, those odd passing INTENSE sensations of Bright energy or pure evil... that manifest in reality... would indicate a serious imbalance. And of course, we can pretty much see the evidence of that in current events. Even Mother Nature feels menopausal these days. Reiki purports to help balance energy flow in individuals; is there a Reiki for the world? Life? LOTS of things are available at an individual level.

At the collective consciousness level, it seems there is an absence and gross misunderstanding of what balance truly is... some days it even seems it's a willful denial and active resistance to the idea that balance is a good thing. IE, there are cracks in the collective's being and awareness that allows evil to disperse and spread more quickly. Unless there is enough bright, powerful energy to banish the evil back into the shadows under the rock from under which it crawled out at that opportunity.

Transformation processes are alternately chaotic, terrifying, stressful, frustrating, absurdly comical and ultimately provide a satisfying sense of accomplishment or a relief in coming out the other side more whole and intact. (Hopefully)

This is starting to really ramble again. But I'm focused on finding a recommendation on "what to do" (if anything) on  a few different levels about this particular kind of time-specific experience in life that exists right now. As far as inner practices and possibilities to counter some of the effects. What I'm talking about in "current events" is really just beginning. And while the practical "what to do" aspects are widely covered and shared lots of places... the inner work is just left to flounder and flail... and find respite in things there seem to "magically" be no shortage of.

[sKePTiKal]

B was "wheels up" finally around 7 pm. We don't say goodbye... sailors have lots of superstititions & I can't; it's too emotional... usually au revoir. But this one was tough for both of us. Even with as much space as we allow we other during the day... he's definitely kept me mentally/emotionally "busy". His pickup time changed 3 times. He remembered more things he should've packed around 5. His brain works a LOT like mine. Kinda OCD... but still knowing how/when to put that on pause. And he's "radio silent" for the duration - no way to communicate - because of his location. He thinks he'll be back to his phone Friday or Saturday next week.

I've framed it all as - He has to go to work for a week. And because of the nature of the work - he can't have any distractions. So it's OK. It's not the same as being deployed into a battle zone. He is stateside, kinda; and is simply doing training for a class. And yes, what he is teaching is very potentially dangerous. But if anyone knows what he's doing and is GOOD at it, it's Buck. In fact - this has generated some extra communication that makes clear the significance of each other has gotten deeper and more committed; more vulnerable and transparent; more clearly defined.

I got a PM from him, yesterday - with txt'd instructions not to open it till he was wheels up. LOLOL. He'd left me a sweet romantic message about his feelings for me. Which of course, I can't respond to it until next week. LOLOLOL. We're both pretty good at "delayed gratification" - but we're both experiencing some major impatience too. I did send him a typical "good night" text anyway last night - just in case he was in a hotel and had his phone. Habits....

This is a BFD for him. He enlisted in '72.... injured in '94... but was never processed out of the service. So it's been a huge part of his life. And since the other guys who knew the same stuff are already beyond being able to pass on what he knows... he's IT. He can't exactly tell me what it is that is so important to the Navy that they'd bring back a 64 yr old, medically disabled member for one more training mission... that comes with the territory. My curiosity is unruly. LOLOL. So I've told him to have fun; enjoy himself - but not TOO much. It has to be incredibly validating to be this important to the higher-ups that they actually singled him out - and hid him away even in records - to be able to deploy him at just the right time. And instead of just a handful of 20-30 somethings in his class, there's almost 3x as many supplied as "alternates" in case he washes out some of the first choice candidates. He even got to keep his rank for this trip. (I kinda think he might even get a bump up for this unusual "service" - which will boost his retirement benefits. But I'm not going to hold my breath, either.)

So, my plan for the upcoming week is to keep myself occupied with crossing things off the to-do list. The heat should break early next week and until then, I can stay busy in the house & studio with some of the things I usually procrastinate about. Some self-care stuff too. Finishing the master bedroom.

One of the things he pointed out to me in his message is that the separate paths we've been on the past 50 years... is what brought us together now; the things we've been through, processed, survived - helps us appreciate what the other is. Who the other is. He's my zombie apocalypse partner... LOLOLOL. Which is kinda funny (and kinda NOT) because it seems my important relationship's "other" has always suited the particular phase of life I was in - and what I needed from a partner at that time. I might actually think about how weird that is today... when I head out to the studio to finish up that project. But he's right; I wouldn't have been able to SEE him or appreciate him when I was younger; less experienced; less familiar with my own self. He's done the same walk too.

And I'm just FINE for this week... even if I don't like it. I can't possibly imagine how difficult it is for military wives to manage with 6 month, 1 year and 2 year deployments. How does a relationship survive that much separation? After a year of a distance relationship, I know the only reason the relationship still exists is because of the constant communication that's been possible for us. And he KNOWS what it takes to maintain his side of it. He works at it.

So yeah - my pragmatic side is kinda taking a back seat to the emotional stuff going on. There's always some mix of the two... different points on the continuum between the two points of totally one thing or the other. But the emotional side is definitely more pronounced right now. And I haven't spent that much time "there" since those first months after Mike died. This is JUST as intense; but it's different feelings. And some of them are even new. I need better WORDS for this. Besides just feeling amazingly alive; more myself - because of who he is and being able to trust him at a level that's not been possible previously.

Seriously. I should start writing romance novels... LOLOLOLOL. Unlikely Partners could be a theme.

[Hopalong]

I imagine you're going through a kind of texting-withdrawal right now, Amber. Sorry not sorry your sweetie is on his way to get this training assignment over with. And maybe in unexpected ways you'll find that NOT texting all day actually does something good for you as a separate human being. It may even make the connection deeper but less dependent at the same time.

Re. B. With his age and his injury, I'm imagining this assignment is taking place on dry land? As in, leading instruction in a tent/hangar/building, etc. Even for swashbuckling military heroes and action types, I'd find it hard to believe they would send someone in his physical condition to actually dive, etc. And even for such physical-hero types, there is a lot of material they must learn in their training in what's essentially a "classroom" setting (outdoors or indoors). Hope that's the case. Safe as houses. Just busy. And unable to communicate because security.

Makes sense to me anyway!

So happy for you that you have him in your heart. I hope you actually enjoy this week being Amber-on-her-own, because that's a source of strength and insight too.

You being you, you'll make the most of it and come away with good stuff.

Hang in there--remember if a tree in the forest goes off on a military teaching assignment for a week so it can't text you, it's still a real tree.

Man, I'm deep.

hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOLOL. Oh, I don't have any problems with text withdrawal. Hol texts me from upstairs a lot. LOLOLOLOL.
Yeah, I know I'm quite all right just being me for awhile. It's a common thing between us that one or the other will ask for some parts of a day to go do our thing... where we don't really want the interruption.

And yes, he's diving. It's essential to the instruction. He's BEEN diving all along, since his injury - just not at those depths. And yes, I miss him like crazy. Even after a year of practice being alone (albeit with that steady stream of communication) while in a relationship.

I have some "secret plans" to give me a goal (or three) to accomplish before he gets back. It's not so much dependency on him, as it is being lazy and procrastinating on things I want to do - for me - and he's a handy distraction. LOLOL. And I have become way too proficient at coming up with ways to waste a whole 'nother day waiting for Covid to subside (not that it's bad here)... and x, y, z reasons to allow one day to just roll into another, without end. When he's here - he's making me focus on getting things done. LOL.

[Hopalong]

Man, I'm glad nobody's around to notice the ways I can avoid such productivity.
Eerrrgggghhh.

Well, I'm going to assume faith in him and the gubmint that if he physically is too unwell to dive, they won't let him dive. Hope so anyhow.

You sound good. A&B sound GREAT.

I advocate laziness in mega heat. Unfortunately, I advocate laziness generally.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah Hops. Thanks for the advice to focus on me this week. I have a tendency to rub salt in my wounds - and I'm missing B a LOT. I've already told him it's not fair of him to basically tell me how he feels about me at the deepest levels... and then go away with no communication for a week.    We've kinda been headed in that direction since he was here last anyway. And I dove in a little deeper than was wise on my feelings - given how intense my feelings for him have become.

I am fortunate in that Hol & Steve are around and I do have someone to talk to... and there's stuff going on all the time, coz even tho she's taking it easy on her ribs - she absolutely can't sit still. LOL. Just like B. Her new tactic to hurry the contractor along finishing up the Hut is brilliant. She's started setting up her dining room today. And is choosing the next room for the next day they don't show up to work. LOLOLOLOL. Plumber called today a couple times, coordinating what needs to happen in her kitchen & bathrooms. He'll be here next week. Contractor has another coat of stucco to spray on the walls & ceiling downstairs... and then it's just small things and the electrician again. So she can move things in.

There's probably going to be a space of time, where I'm alone at the house again before B moves. I have some things I want to accomplish before he gets here - if possible. The biggest ones are for me. But the heat should start to moderate end of next week... and then I can get back to outside things again. And it'll soon be hunting season - Hol and I were talking about splitting the rest of the woodpile from what was cut to change the drive. And I can STILL work in the garden... even if it's too late to plant. I still have some herbs to get planted too. It's going to be easier to focus on stuff like that by myself.

We're already starting to talk about Yule season too. I've kinda been moving away from traditional "Christmas" and toward Yule the last few years. And it's a much longer timeframe. And I've just been warned that if things don't improve in the city soon - there will be a hell of a Halloween party at the Hut.

Back to my feelings... which I'm glad to be distracted from for any amount of time...

I've noticed something that I've been working on today. I trust this guy a lot; deeply. And even though he's not my normal type - the connection we have is incredibly strong. We have a LOT in common, too. I'm totally in love with him... and as it turns out, he with me. We know that over time things change. But this feeling doesn't have to. So I should feel totally happy right? Yeah..... maybe not. In some ways, it's so intense; "Too good to be true" and I'm so used to him "being there" - that this week's separation really turned dark on me. Almost a replay of losing Michael... but not quite. And it persisted even after I woke up this morning... so I simply DECIDED...

I'm not going to do that. It's OK, he had to go away for work for a week. I'm truly FINE. He hasn't been here that much yet. The intense feelings aren't "bad"; aren't negative at all... he'll be back soon. And I'm right here waiting on him.

I found it strange that my mind tried to turn the feelings into something negative; painful. And that it was so easy to decide not to do that. Who knew it was that easy? It's never been that easy before. The more I work with feelings, the easier it seems to get - to not be at their "mercy". Tortured by them.

Maybe - referencing G's comments & article on the Anything thread - I had a long-held belief that I couldn't protect myself from being run over by own feelings? And perhaps the belief simply isn't true NOW. We used to believe in Santa Claus, after all....

B has this effect on me - that I feel MORE my SELF and more ALIVE than before. Like in some alchemical way - our chemistry is such that we're both waking up from a long long dream. (Weird metaphor; but it's the only one I have that comes close.) He is so extroverted and having fun with our friends online now, versus only barely posting gloomy, I'm still surviving news about what's going on with him. He's so much brighter, energetic, and shines like the sun... and I'm feeling quite comfortable in my own skin - old & wrinkled as it is - and stronger of purpose and trusting of my ability to "do" what needs doing... even without him around. (Yeah, the man has skills and will be incredibly useful here.) Feeling bad because he's completing his past obligations & not available to me... just doesn't make a damn bit o' sense to me. Yeah, I miss him. I miss him when he's blowing up my phone and interrupting what I'm doing, too.

It's just what IS. And I'd be a silly goose to feel guilty about being so fortunate that I found love again or afraid of being so happy - as if neither of us deserved it. THAT'S neurotic. Pure & simple. And I don't have to do it. Apparently.

Hahahahahahahaha...