Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Well that makes sense out of a very odd conversation with Hol and S. I don't have time to comment, but am familiar with that kind of tactic. IME it speaks to red flags flying all around, very toxic, chaos manufacture behaviors increasing, not getting better. I'm talking about S here. Not Hol.
Thanks for the update, Amber.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
OH... when I asked what would satisfy their concerns... it was made clear that they have no idea; it was "we don't want B here at all". Which went over like a lead balloon. Neither of them has the standing to ask me for that.
And she just now sought me out to tell me that she was acting as S's spokesperson, because of his anxieties. Which he doesn't feel safe enough to voice even after seeing how calm and non-confrontational I heard them out. I told her I figured that out. She's knows what IS around here... and she knows how many allowances I've made to accomodate S's behaviors etc for the sake of her trying to create a relationship with him.
For him to ask me to forsake what Buck & I have been planning for years, takes some chutzpah now, let me tell ya. Especially when you're not materially, financially, or emotionally investing in a relationship or where you live.
She knows where all this leads, for her, as well as I see it. I offered to take her with me over the mountain today but she's going to piddle around painting a dresser I'm giving her, for a nightstand in the hut bedroom. She is also doing deep thinking about this too. We'll convene in the studio - our usual discussion/planning/sorting things out place - later. It'll be interesting to see what, if anything, she's really thinking.
The driving will help clear my head, and I have to have a special saw to cut down my stone for the wall. I'd go look to see if there's one in my garage - but Mr Pigpen's mess makes it impossible to find ANYTHING in there. She said it just wasn't worth trying to look. Because everything has been moved around so many times it's not where we last saw it. Including tools from Mike's toolboxes which were carefully labeled & organized... and now strewn & piled everywhere - including outside where they've rusted.
:mad: still, too, etc. I don't think S realizes how afraid he should be if BOTH of us are mad at him at the same time.
sKePTiKal:
S'OK lighter - this needs to sit a little for everyone. And I have to get moving to get done what I intend to, need to do today.
Hopalong:
((((Amber))))
You're thinking so hard I can smell the brainsmoke coming over the mountains.
One thing went pink-ping:
--- Quote ---....Hol and I are going to have a very straightforward heart to heart talk - again - about ... what she's knows already about her relationship - and what has to happen for her to feel it's a two-way relationship. Or not.
--- End quote ---
The hierarchical stuff yes of course YAY. But this...my first thought about the above was, No no no nooooo. Don't have the mother telling the daughter they are going to discuss the daughter's relationship again. What she knows, what has to happen, etc. Because i-m-n-h-o (sorry) this IS a risk of over-involvement. She's 40! One of those places where at some point, the relationship needs to be LESS close. For Hol to grow up, think for herself without so much parental input or quasi-therpist parental input (cf., "transference" etc), and (soon, Lord) make wiser more self-loving decisions. Your eagerness to analyse and instruct and direct is an honest aptitude well earned, but I think in terms of this nuclear relationship, I think undermines her maturation.
THEN, you promptly solved what I was worrying about:
I believe I'm going to suggest that she find someone else - a T - to see. I think she needs to own for herself, once and for all, what a healthy relationship consists of and then create her own version of what she wants.
Yes, oh YES.
So good to read this today. Gotta run, two teenaged boys coming to weed. Aaack!
Hugs,
Hops
lighter:
I'm with CB on the tools, except....
S would have to stop touching them altogether, always and forever. Locking the shed, and not allowing him to pig it up, move or destroy another thing is what I feel he's earned. I'm not mad he got into M's tools, but I am sure there's a consequence waiting to be delivered without racor or any emotion, other than regret and sadness it's come to this.
S was warned, and pleaded with, I assume, from Hol's end. Maybe yours too, Amber.
It doesn't really matter if Hol is upset by S being upset, bc he WILL send her to you with complaints and more threats, no doubt.
When I was dealing with this sort of sabotage from youngest dd's bf...... dd was coming to me too. As messenger, as peace maker, as the person who felt she could control everything and everyone and I think she honestly believed she had that power.
Over the months she learned SHE DID NOT have that power, and I'll cut right to the chase before blathering on about details....
DD went from mortified, wide eyed horror over discussion boundaries with the boy, putting them in place and following through with consequences
to
being
a
stone
cold
Amazon
Warrior
Princess
delivering
consequences
without having to think about it....
she just DID and it was MAGNIFICENT to behold.
She'd stopped coming to me and trying to resolve issues FOR ME or for the little man and I hand't really noticed when.
I mean..... I'm still in awe of her poise and power and calm.
I'm going to stop talking about before I jinx it.
Lighter
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