Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

<< < (64/122) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Hol and I DID have the heart to heart last night. And she brought up the relationship via the "presentation" of a couple days ago. S's insecurities are such that he really can't even talk to people - although I believe it's a style of manipulation. Putting Hol in the middle - the spokesperson - and responsible for making things OK for him. She knows this; knows that the position she's put in isn't fair. But continues to tolerate it, for the sake of affection from him - which she doesn't always get. I learned a couple more things about him that only make my opinion of him lower.

What I noticed about him early on, was that he has made a tragedy (losing his mom) from almost 20 years ago, into the excuse for his anti-social (yep; that's what it is) behavior. And there is an excuse for EVERYTHING he doesn't want to do or participate in. Couple that with a very extreme sense of entitlement. Lack of normal communication with people he LIVES with... including Hol. Its not just "I can't talk about my feelings" but the normal bits & bobs of his life, as he lived it. Normal people conversation.

He doesn't want to contribute any time, money, or energy on tasks around here - and only does so when Hol insists. He's only recently begun to remove the full kitchen trash bags and take them to the garage for instance. He wipes his hands on counters; leaves wrappers and dishes where ever he just finished... and if he's walking the woods and finishes a drink - just drops the can or bottle where ever he is. This habit infuriates both of us. Hol has said to him: why are these clothes on the floor right NEXT to the laundry basket and not IN the basket? Entitlement to the point of he expects to be taken care of as if he was an infant.

At least in her previous relationship, there was communication and interaction and socializing -- even if it was dysfunctional, many times, as he used to dismiss and deny her actual feelings as being "not correct".

She is not a novice or deluded about relationships - healthy and otherwise. And she did see a T for awhile, trying to decide if she was going to leave that former relationship or keep putting up with that treatment. She's no stranger to the kinds of manipulative mind games that can be played between two people.

S has already said that if B moves here, he isn't going to feel safe enough to stay, himself. That's just fabulously FINE to me. And Hol is addressing - and has been - this reality in the relationship for at least half of the time they've been together. She is ever the optimist, that people will grow and change... and she's attached to having someone... in that position of affection. And she will put up with this arrangement - until she doesn't. Yes she gets angry with him, expresses with finesse and detail what her wants & needs are... and there will be some small gesture before he goes back to doing just what he wants to do, when he wants to do... and everyone else can dance around that - until he decides he "needs" her attention again.

Finding out that he is rather wealthy - and COULD contribute to the expenses around here, buy his expensive food preferences (there are always two different meals prepared because he won't eat what everyone else eats - again with the excuses) - really irritates me. I asked Hol - has he ever bought you a present? Even just something small? Nope. So entitled in the extreme - and not at all cognizant of other people's feelings about that. Or he just doesn't care. Which sometimes, seems to be more the case.

None of this behavior is going to change when they move into the Hut; in fact I expect it to get even worse.

But, I'm OK right now. And of course Hol wants to start moving stuff from her storage unit - and he requires a nap - so I got recruited and need to take of myself some today.

I can't throw him out - no matter how much I want to, because it's Hol's job to deal with his behavior and the relationship. If he chooses to leave because of B... there is nothing I can do about that. She doesn't have the same level of fear over him. Just the garden-variety worry over her mom getting in a new relationship - and because she only became aware of him after we'd been friends for a LONG time; years - her perception is that this is happening too fast. (Parenting the mom; we talked a little about that last night too)

So, she and I are on the same page. She thinks this is just a passing anxiety... and that thiings will be fine with them. I didn't argue that at all

lighter:
And so...  Hol isn't REEEEAAAALLLY demanding you dump B and change your life's plan, bc S is scared and she's so dependent on him she's willing to risk her relationship and home keep him (read that as SHUT him up, or keep the peace.
I had a hard time believing Hol would make a serious demand to dump B.  Honestly.... that would be nuts, knowing you.

It looks like she was making a show of support and doing what she could to bring about the outcome S is demanding, and that's just sad, IMO.

I'm afraid his nutsy rocksy koo koo behaviors are more seriously disordered than I want to admit. 

Here's one suggestion I have for when Hol and S move into the Hut.....
stop paying for every expense that belongs to the both of them.  Let them pay for their own groceries, even if you continue paying all overhead... utilities, etc, bc you want to, or promised to, or don't want to deal with that conversation. 

Hol will see the real him more clearly and quickly if you aren't carrying ALL of S's weight, all the time, for reasons I can't quite discern, but understand, bc I have kids too. 

I don't know how S will argue Hol has to provide the home, all the living expenses AND 100% of grocery money too, when he's 50percent or more of that expense. 

It's one thing she might see as reasonable to ask him to pay, 100perfent, on his own,  but only if you aren't making it easy for her avoid any conversation around expenses and fairness.

As much pressure as they're under now, bc of the big bad B, that pressure will get much heavier if S has to consider pulling a tiny fraction of his weight, yet refuses.  Hol has her limits. 

About everyone having their say..... S won't stand up to B and voice his concerns out loud to HIM.  He can't even do it with you.  He set up Hol to do it for him, then stood behind her and talked through her legs like a little child.

My best guess is S will continue to work on S, basically torment her, refuse to give her affection or a moment's peace until she forces YOU to comply, which, again....
is so unrealistic,  I question S' emotional stability... and Hol's to allow it.

Lighter

 

sKePTiKal:
Yeah, as she started to confess things the whole picture changed. They won't have much to pay in utilities, since the hut is solar powered. However, there IS a learning curve involved in it... and Hol is the only one motivated to learn it. She HAS serious concerns about the relationship - but refuses to deal with it - while she's in my house. She has indicated that the hut will be a different story, but time will tell. I think part of that is wishful thinking; I see her resentments bubble up & over; and he doesn't even manage to provide her with actual companionship - because he won't engage with her on planning or projects - just leaves everything up to her.

His actions - being taken care of, almost every need - and EXPECTING that, leads me to the conclusion that everything is about him, in his reality. He doesn't give a crap about me, for sure. And it's truly questionable if he really cares about Hol or not. Since he's well off, then the golddigger aspect doesn't play. But why doesn't he feel responsible for carrying his own weight? Only thing I can think of is a stunted need to be mommied and entitlement. And she falls for that, since she is still dealing with her own "need to be needed" - and rescue.

The boy - he's not a man - has some serious issues and escapes from dealing with them. And I believe her when she says she's not going to waste another almost decade of her life, doing all the work in a relationship. I can't repeat what B thinks about him. He did say, that if S came to him, he'd answer any questions he might have and if he had a problem with B - that she should bring them directly to him instead of playing these games.

What I'm currently thinking... is that I'm going to detach from all this. She is beginning to move in - and it's like pulling teeth to get him to help. It doesn't take a mindreader to see her disappointment over all that. I "think" there is a strong possibility that he's getting ready to bail on her. But it's HER relationship. And they are physically healthy grown adults. Plenty of opportunities to work around here and take care of yourselves. I fulfilled my promise - building the hut. I still own it. Everything else is on them. I am just exhausted from the constant drama of all this. Since there ARE boundaries and I know she can take care of herself... but she expected an actual partner - not a dependent she had to cater to his every mood/whim. I am also going to maintain some control over land use, too. It's going to be tricky legally... but I believe there is a way.

In some ways, this is actually good for her to go through... with my feedback and observations and how I think about things. I would NOT be doing what she is doing... but I'm not her. I don't push her, just give her my perspective and she can do with that as she will... but she is NOT happy and she knows it.

lighter:
I locked all my tools up from my renter on the island.  I strongly suggest you consider taking control of your tools back.  Perhaps let S sign them out, one at a time, IF he returns and respects them if you gets to use them at all.  It sounds like he has his own tools, or ability to purchase them if he wants to mistreat tools.   

It's sad if it comes to that, but thems the consequences for failure to respectfully use and return tools in good condition, IMO.

You aren't punishing him.  You aren't trying to create problems with Hol.  You're taking care of yourself and your property.

Lighter

Hopalong:
((((Amber))))

I don't know from the legal stuff.

What's a land lease about? Is it necessary for the hut for some reason?

Just wondering why the whole kit and kaboodle can't just remain all yours, period, until you go to that great building project in the sky. But maybe it is, and I just don't know what I'm talking about.

hugs
Hops

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page