Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. Yes, you read the "hints" I dropped correctly; there is an old childhood wound there left over from Twiggy days. No, I'm not diving into it right now - and taking on a 2nd huge project that might completely destroy what progress we've made to this point, at being able to work together. I was simply accutely aware of it - and a bit sensitive to it, given how open I was being emotionally about all this, in the first place. I'm pretty sure he believes that all is well and perfect in how he sees things. It's what humans are wont to do, right?
I can simply make note of it; understand this is why we'll probably never be close; and let it go.
I deliberately put the whole mess of paperwork and thinking about all the details DOWN, after lunch - after taking steps to at least put 3 things into immediate effect/action. Then I used every trick in the book to keep my monkey mind occupied until I could sleep... but at some point I was able to write about it to Buck. The bigger picture sort of thing. Told him I needed someone to brainstorm with... and that Hol wasn't up to it yet. She's trying; she's applying what she knows in other realms as best she can; and she DOES understand finances well. And she is compassionate about my feelings too.
She and I are starting to do the "pull away" phase again of living our own lives. Which is proper and correct. We have plenty of opportunities to interact with each other and plan/work together on projects and chores so it's a new balance - that we're kinda sorting out. It's a good, healthy thing, IMO.
The idea of putting the "problem" down for a time lets the emotions settle or pass; gives my brain a rest so I can come back to it later, with fresh eyes. I might even go work on that canvas - which has been in a rest period for months now - again. But there are more practical issues that need addressed and that's where I'm starting today. And those things being accomplished usually give me such a sense of satisfaction that even in stressful situations - they generate a bit of efficacy and positive "pay it forward" type energy to help carry me through a little more gracefully.
It's going to be OK. Buck got me to crack a big grin and laugh out loud last night with an image of his kitties clinging all over him, attracted by the smell of a silver cream I got him, to help his incisions heal without getting infected. So goofy and off the wall... and the antithesis of the big, bad warrior wolf... who wouldn't laugh?
One of my favorite "give it hell" tasks is brush clearing. And since it's fall - it's a great time to get to that and keep moving onto prepping the garden a lot better for spring this coming year... and firewood... and airlocks... and the million other projects. I'm done catastrophizing over this situation; it will be what it will be. And I still CAN do lots of things to improve my views, keep the fire/insect and rodent risk down, and move another inch closer to self-sufficiency on the farm.
sKePTiKal:
Had a surprise visit from Mike's D and the "littles" - who aren't so little anymore. Logan's 12; and since his school is all virtual, he stays home and minds his little sister Harper (who's 7) while Mom works. She has in person classes - 5 to a room, two days a week. And she's huge!! Wearing 10/12s already. They hadn't been here since school shutdown around Easter... and it was time to visit the Hut.
We had a nice visit. But, I thought it would cheer me up more than it did. It did not. So I'll keep applying my current strategy to get things accomplished around here... and see if that will help. There is no real obvious reason for my current state of mind/emotion. Maybe ignoring it and working the list(s) will get me moved around to another more pleasant state.
Twoapenny:
I'm glad they got over to see you, Skep, and sorry it didn't lift your spirits more - although understandable given the big question marks hanging over you at the moment. Personally I think getting out of bed and getting anything done is a win - I hope that crossing some things off the to do list helps a bit xx
Hopalong:
I'm so glad they visited, Amber. Even if it wasn't an immediate lift. What might be nice is that since you've maintained a connection, they'll come again now and then over the years. Might mean more to you later than it can right now.
And "no real obvious reason" for a down-tilt in mood?
How about pandemic, winter coming, business reverses, Buck not yet home, etc? Hmmmm. Let me check..... Aha, thought so!
ALL are on the Official List of Life Stresses and Changes That Can Affect Mood.
Only good thing about change is that even change changes, eventually.
Hugs and comfort,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thanks much Hops. I am sure this is temporary; mostly brought on by having to postpone the start of building the shop - and that's a direct result of the immediate changes I made to the business. Once I get a better sense of my financial picture, it'll probably be back on. Contractors are still working at the hut.
Backhoe is down for tire issues, so that building site isn't cleared or leveled yet anyway.
But Buck and I have been "playing" a little, even though I'm falling asleep way before he's even tired yet. And we've exchanged commitments. :D When he's here next week, we'll talk about just what we both mean by that, the shop, when the final move looks like it'll happen, etc. That's definitely cheering me up.
Meanwhile, here's my handsome man. I found all those old pics of the farm to upload, too - while I was searching for business docs.
https://i.postimg.cc/5N5xMvVP/EAD65592-495-C-4-C68-9202-A3325500-B306.jpg
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