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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
Still plugging away on numbers, looking how I can make things balance. June was our worst month; things have gotten a little better since then. Personnel costs became a greater percentage of sales this year - too high a percentage, actually - due to how far sales have fallen. I've spent YEARS trying to figure out what the deal is there; I am aware of patent violations by the Chinese (it's a real thing)... but to prosecute that would cause us to go broke anyway. Unless something happens at the National level - like a class action suit - we could sign on to.

I'm mostly focused on finding things I can cut expense wise - that are reversible; without laying anyone off or cutting hours. On the off chance, the sales picture improves. It's not something that's specific to my company, how we do things or how it's run. Business activity - in our area of the market - is just that slow. We've been aware for years, that our personnel costs were increasing. Some of that is healthcare - and we have room to cut there, without doing to much damage; it's quite generous at the moment. Some of that is payroll increases too.

Once I put out the immediate fire, then I have to look at whether this economic slowdown is as permanent as I believe it is. From all I've seen so far - and a lot of that kind of information is evaporating from the 'net - the whole world is going through an economic contraction to rival or surpass the Great Depression. Now, that wasn't the end of the world - or even companies. But it did hurt an awful lot of people. Severely.

To make the best decision for the future, I've got to delve into a lot of stuff that's foreign to me; process it; strip out the BS happy talk; look at hard facts - if there are indeed any hard facts published anymore anywhere (even the gov numbers have been tweaked to present a more positive picture)... the old canard about statistics is very very true, IMO. Even Mike would tell me he could make the numbers say anything he wanted.

I've accepted this. As best a person can, I guess. I've not been one to look at reality as I WISH it would be, or how it ideally could (even being a romantic)... I can only chart my course based on WHAT IS. That means rooting out all the tendency to denial, blindspots, and being ruthless with myself.

Buck is giving me space for this. But I think after today, I'm pulling him back in close. This situation affects all of us. Hol is facing the fact that there might not be any work in film, even next year. She mentioned yesterday that Burger King is hiring. Yeah, she's way overqualified. And speak o' the devil... here she is. Planning our day commences.

Hopalong:
Amber, this sounds like a heavy task. Very heavy.
I'm awed by your calm and your capability (including commitment to reality).

I agree with you about a worldwide depression being likely. How could it not be, given the pandemic's impact? The ripple effects will hit everyone. Already are hitting so many.

I hope you can save your business. What's your brother's take on all this?

I am cleverly comparing this with my joist problems. One pushy plumber, one unvetted contractor, and a negative cascade could easily begin. (Hoping it won't be as bad as all that but facing that it's possible.) I feel vulnerable and imagine you do too, in a different way.

Glad you're okay, farm's okay. Alarming that Hol may need to work in fast food. I hope you're not supporting her forever but assume you're ready to if you must.

I hope Buck can arrive soon to give you moral support through all of it. I hope he's hearing that the time to be all in has arrived, and that he can work through his farewells to previous chapter with more dispatch.

You seem to thrive when challenged in large and complex ways. I hope it won't tax you so much that self-care takes a hit, eh? Be extra good to yourself now....

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOLOLOLOLOL.

I seem to cyclically have these kinds of things to deal with Hops. It ain't intentional and I don't court these kinds of things for the drama-effect, to feel sorry for myself, or from self-sabotage. After I found myself in the co-owner position, and having to make financial decisions way above my paygrade... I dove in and spent about 2 years both in intensive reading/hands-on decision making -- and taking on more responsibility at a higher level than I'd ever WANTED. I figure it was my version of an MBA. (Self-didact here.) That all started 11 years ago.

I've had to eat crow; deal with conflicts; resolve very sensitive/delicate situations... hone my diplomatic skills; expand my communication ability; and meet other people's expectations of what I was supposed to be like - in a way, that was just me. It comes with the job description; it's why I make the big bucks.

But, to be perfectly honest, after Mike died and I moved a year later - I allowed myself to put that down; on the back burner... let it run itself. So I could explore what I might do here at the farm. (And hasnt THAT been a roller-coaster 4 years?) And no, my brother didn't step up into that role much more - even after he left his coaching job. He understood what I've said about the situation we're in; agrees with my overall goals of what we need to do - and he's just as partial as I am to find a way to make this work without cutting hours or laying anyone off. So we're on the same page. I just don't think he can even go as deep as I do, into the financials or do that kind of analysis. So, OK; he's better at people skills. That works. Right now, I've distilled things down to 3 options that can perhaps tide us over... and still leaves room for more downsizing, if called for. Flexibility is always my over-ruling strategy. I hate being trapped.

I've had my moments of full-on panic attack; I've experienced the full picture of worst-case scenario; all without reacting or making a hasty decision. I knew the homework part had to be part of the process - and I break up the tedium with other kinds of things to do. I'm OK with it. I've always understood that money can go just as fast as it can come in to someone's life. This isn't QUITE that drastic; as scary as it is.

But I think I'd rather brush-clear or move rocks than use this kind of energy on this kind of task. Blech. I can't even blame myself for needing/wanting to put this down for a time. With all the change I was processing after Mike, I simply didn't have the extra brain capacity to nitpick things to death. (Not like anyone else was keeping that close an eye on it either.) And I don't even CARE that it's falling to me now. It just needs to be done.

As trite as it is, Buck said the one thing I most needed to hear: You'll make the right decision and do what's right.

And when I wind down for the night, I don't think about this. I've carved my head space up into compartments so that I don't spend any more time than I have to or want to on stuff. I always make time for me and what I want to do, these days. No one else works longer than 9-5; I ain't gonna either.

sKePTiKal:
Ah, brave words.

Brother called me yesterday evening. Attempting to steamroll me into "his way or the highway" - even tho the actual decisions he was pushing, were what I'd said we HAVE to do, to have any chance at surviving. I simply agreed with him, and left it go at the cordial stage - albeit, with some expression of how all this is making me FEEL. He didn't care to hear that; he did anyway. I'm not so sure he heard me, when I expressed my fear of not doing ENOUGH to succeed at this point - doing more later may just be throwing more good money after bad and not accepting the writing on the wall. Won't know until the end of the month comes out; or for sure till the end of the year.

All in all, it wasn't a bad conversation except for me realizing a few things - or perceiving them. He seemed to anticipate pushback and resistance, even while he was agreeing with my top recommendations. I had no desire to offer any. Just additional information I wasn't willing to put in an email. I expected some kind of reassurance at expressing how serious I see the problems are; the lack of possibility of solutions (barring some miracle); and just general kindness, I guess. After all - I was the one banging my head through the numbers buried in years of paperwork. Trying to get a handle on the big picture and work down into the absolute truth of the situation. While he was on vacation. So, that part hasn't changed a bit. I'm pretty sure he's in denial about what dire straits we face. I get the feeling that if I put in the extra time to build spreadsheets or make pretty, illustrative graphs - the reaction would be the same. Or perhaps he's one of those people who feels like nothing matters enough to shake his reality, I dunno. I can't presume to know... just intuitive sensing I have about his reaction.

And I feel alone. Lonely; in my apprehension of the situation. Again. Buck listens. Hol listens. They both HEAR me too. Even when they don't have anything helpful to suggest or reassuring to proffer - at least I know I'm not alone. You guys listen too. And that helps, truly. Hol is involved in finding out her Dad broke a hip and had surgery yesterday. Buck had his staples out from his surgery and before he got home, had to stop and get dissolving sutures put in to stop the incisions from separating and bleeding. Just a normal day, in his experience with that hospital.

I can deal with the feeling alone; been here before. I can deal with the bitter reality of helplessness that exists, at finding an effective solution WITHOUT affecting the employees, at this time. I did warn Bro, that it's going to be necessary to make adjustments there too to some extent; I don't know what extent yet - that depends on sales and some corrections in the accounting software data. But I'm pretty disappointed at having my feelings about trying to protect the employees dismissed and unacknowledged; unrecognized even - while implications of the total opposite were being brought up. I do recognize, that Bro owns those implications and he was projecting.

There are a couple things I have to do this morning. Immediate action. And then, the paperwork goes in a pile and I close that place in my mind - to go do other things this weekend. It's 10 days till Buck arrives. And my friend Deb is talking about at least an overnight respite a couple weeks after that. IF she can arrange care for her mom that long. This is so heavy, it's even hard for me to be happy that Buck's coming back again. My tendency is to try to protect him from how I'm feeling; not dump it all out on him - it's not his problem. I'm cocooning and trying to shift into looking at the impacts of this change of income on my personal situation.

I know the heaviness will shift; one way or the other. it's just a matter of time. I know there really isn't any place to place blame or responsibility for finding ourselves here. Whatever lessons the universe is trying to teach, are just a bit beyond me at the moment... but I will continue to function until I rest enough to face this all again.

Hopalong:
I am full-time useless on business and high-finance (even low-finance) strategies and know those subjects are in your capable hands. But I sure grasp that there's real sorrow involved, maybe some guilt, and plenty of worry about hard decisions about jobs that could impact employees. Those are painful shoes to be in and I admire your acceptance of the responsibility face on, whether you were late to the assessment or not. You're there now, you care and are doing your best.

Only thing that popped out to me otherwise was this:


--- Quote ---He seemed to anticipate pushback
--- End quote ---

and


--- Quote ---I expected some kind of reassurance
--- End quote ---

Anticipating and expecting are painful things. I actually read this (in that flash-instant when something first hits)...as:

My brother experiences me as stubborn or argumentative, maybe doesn't feel respected by me.

I keep hoping my brother will be protective and calming toward me and understand my feelings, and he won't/can't.

Both of those interpretations (if I'm anyway close to the ball field much less a base--always questionable!) struck me as leftover hurts from childhood. Representing a kind of longing in both of you for a closer relationship you haven't managed so far. Or that may not be possible because of your different personalities and histories.

I can't imagine amid a serious business emergency that you have time or energy to go into heavy analysis of your sibling relationship. But if you can count on the comfort of Buck, Hol and friends--maybe you can just in the short term find ways to convey to Bro that you respect him, he's worth listening to, and you regard him genuinely as your equal. He might have been feeling a little diminished.

Just a hunch, I'm just wondering if it might help. And wondering if after the crisis is done with, you might re-approach Bro in a new chapter, and find out what healing is possible for you two. (Or not, it may not be a pressing goal.) 

Hugs and comfort--
Hops

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