Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Just popped in, ((Amber)) so happy to read your update.
1st.....the sharing and time alone sound amazing and I know long awaited. Keep those moments as close to yourself as needed. You don't owe anyone any version...none at all, imo.
THIS is your journey. Your relationship. Private and intimately your own.
About adopting a child together,
there's much work, joy and discovery for B and you before adding another person to this great unfolding, imo.
I imagine empty nesting will be super hard, for B and me and so many. I will try not to touch the frog here.....take your time. You have a relationship to build. Yourself IN that relationship to get to know, and B has the same mission.
I imagine the lack if chaos in his life is a bit jarring...maybe scary to face. Throwing himself into another war might actually feel comforting to contemplate for him....dealing with the social services, a child's pain and trauma, etc.....it would take everyone's eye off the ball, and onto a great unknown focus.
However maternal and amazing that is...
you have unfinished business to tend to.
I do worry a bit about B standing still for a moment.....I wonder if he can.
He deserves to stop and breathe and ficus on who he is now, with you, and as empty nester warrior learning to join with an amazing peer companion warrior....
and just BE, for a while.
I sense he's grounded in protecting and saving others. Maybe exploring that aspect, a bit, through the lense of codependence and having more choices, if it seems appropriate.
I'm very excited for you both, Amber.
Lighter
Hopalong:
That is lovely, Amber. And moving.
Thanks for sharing this.
Love is in the room.
As to adoption, yikes. My brain came up with:
Start a metal shop apprenticeship for young teens.
Foster dogs.
Mentor/help a kid or sibling pair in a local public school. The poorest two.
Figure out an entrepreneurship idea and teach it locally to a kid.
Give free drawing/painting lessons to poor local kids.
Find out where the greatest local need is that you and B could
volunteer for together that affects children, and do that. If he's craving fathering.
Dunno, but a man with great physical challenges who's retirement age
might be getting on a bit to be weighing adoption? Fostering, though,
could make a lot of sense, imo. He could explore foster grandparenting.
This is the time when a couple in love just lets the wild ideas rip. And needs most
to hear anything and let it all fly. However....whatever the emotional bonding ideas/dreams are, keep those toes muddy.
Last thought: I would worry if you get A&B involved with adoption. And why is a plan for Hol coming up? Boundaryboundaryboundary. I wouldn't bring it up, press it forward, or come up with workarounds or strategies why y'all can be exceptions to the usual screening expectations. Just because Hol might want a child doesn't mean it's a great idea for her to acquire one. Remember her actual mental health and addiction risks and judgement and reactions to things. She might not be stable enough even if she did pass screenings. Nothing evil about that but lord...adding in that "project" might be not good for her or for you or A&B, much less for a child.
hugs and happies,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hey Hops.... slow down. We are a long ways away from all that. I think B was just testing the waters with an idea. Stinker was being his sweet little self and super cuddly on my lap. Seeing me that way - likely popped the idea in his head. As for Hol - I meant my comments in relation to the age difference. She would be just as likely to vigorously reject and criticize any such idea suggested to her - and certainly is beyond being persuaded or pressured into anything. (Albeit there is still the S situation for her to sort out.) At least, that was the only time adoption was brought up/discussed... so while I intuit a lot of things about why it did... I fully understand I could be wrong in it. I just know now, that there might be some past experiences that might've prompted the question of me. And it's part & parcel of the relationship shifting into more serious territory. (Love some of those ideas on your list!)
Lighter, I think I can negotiate him into moderating this habit of his that he's gotten into, living alone. I made a point to let him know, that I'm needing some maintenance, too. ;) He's receptive and sweetly responsive when I say things like that - without any weirdness tacked onto it. He might be afraid of what would run through his head or what he'd feel... if he didn't stay busy. He might not too. Some people just like being constantly busy; it's their style of being - it's not good or bad - and there isn't any need to change it UNLESS it does result in neglecting a partner's need for connection. It's a good sign that he welcomes my participation and responds to my prompting him back from "the zone". He's absolutely unused to having to consider his partner in the balance & rhythm of work/leisure. It feels awkward for him a bit; that's obvious. I'm pretty flexible these days - but with age comes that need to eat/sleep on a fairly regular schedule. So we'll see how flexible he is, too. OH... and I have my own things like that, that need to adapt out of consideration for a partner too. I've rather enjoyed the years I could just suit myself, but not enough that I need to make it an issue. There will be some definite "me breaks" with B; and that will be fine with him. As much as we enjoy being together - we each have some strengths that were developed in solitude.
All my impressions and intuitions are just that - based on what I perceive, in some cases confirmed by direct communication - but perhaps not everything, in detail just yet. The validity of the relationship doesn't necessarily hinge on those impressions/intuitions... because eventually we DO end up talking about everything; it's just a little at a time. I'm trying to keep those things I might intuit in the "not yet validated/proven" category. Even when a lot of the time, it does bear out. But for myself, I can't let myself think that my intuition is absolutely spot-on, without that verbal confirmation. I've been wrong ENOUGH times I won't let myself believe I'm right just on the basis of perception/intuition.
Oh - who mentioned physical challenges? He's been without the pain mask (stimulator/pump) completely for a couple weeks now. I didn't notice it being an obstacle for him at all. He said there was one point, his leg gave out on him and he is going to begin lobbying DOD - who wrote him the Rx - to also supply the recommended knee brace that no one else has available. He's almost completely off pain meds, too. There was one night his back flared up and he took something and slept on the couch instead of tossing & turning. He doesn't realize I'm not that easy to wake up. ;)
And his infection markers are down 50% now too - and he's still taking the antibiotics. I honestly can't keep up with the man. Wears me out.
IMO, at his age, he is the furthest thing from decrepit I've seen in a LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGG time.
sKePTiKal:
Rereading all this...
first description of the visit/occurances... is me just beginning to "think" about things. Telling the "what" was said/happened... all the various thoughts (which are not the same as actual decisions which are also a long way from action)... and trying to find ways to describe the feelings. There was no time to think when he was here; too busy "being" and "doing". There was plenty of time to talk, which I pretty much required, but didn't demand.
In the wide open space of solitude, one thinks all kinds of thoughts. Like what would I be doing if I were single, 25, looked like that again... etc silly day dreams - but FUN day dreams. So yes, I have thought about parenting again, and there is a special feeling when a partner will at least entertain the idea. It's not something I've experienced before. It's like an additional connection between us... a node of compatibility maybe.
Ex #1 tolerated my first pregnancy; didn't want me to go through with the second (Hol). Ex #2 was completely uninterested in being a parent - with 4 kids around. He tried, but only achieved part of the role of a father. Michael only had adult kids to interact with so it wasn't exactly "parenting" - except with his adopted D. So, when B brought up the idea, after me being stunned...
what's left in feelings is that he finds me worthy of the maternal role; he respects in me that innate characteristic. Because his former relationships didn't provide that perhaps?. And maybe that explains better what I mean about an extra connection; extra dimension to the emotions between us. That was the LAST thing I expected him to bring up. So there would be a lot of talking/discussion before any decision would be made - and it's not a requirement for him. In fact I almost expect him to be kind of relieved at not having that role forced on him - once we have a chance to revisit it. I'm pretty sure curiosity about my feelings on the topic doesn't equal ONLY something he actually WANTS to do; so this is just where I'm thinking all the thoughts about what see, hear, sense, intuit, and can piece together about the topic. And yes, I'm wild & crazy ENOUGH to at least consider why it would/wouldn't be a good idea in reality. And my feelings? Yes.... those too. (Most of our conversations are about lots more pragmatic/practical things.)
A LOT of what we talked about this trip will be revisited more than once.
Words are so damned inadequate (for me) for describing feelings. And I don't have Hops' knack for poetry which can get a lot closer; more accurately. I think in terms of processes, systems, interactions of words, gears, chronologies... which are all linear. Emotions are more like water, which can spread in all directions at once.
Yes, I'm pretty bowled over by how intense this emotional connection with B is. But my logical, practical brain hasn't stopped working leaving me a mere puppet with no autonomy. And I'm not expected to be either. In fact, that equality between us just intensifies the feelings. I don't NEED him financially, for emotional security, for anything really. And he doesn't NEED me either for all those things that indeed, truly matter, when people are younger.
What we're finding, I think, is the freedom of being together and loving and respecting each other without all those pressures added into the mix. It can be confusing and scary; it doesn't fit the programmed & conditioned patterns we grow up with. So the traditional "structural framework" of relationships to be X, Y, and Z is just irrelevant. Our roles aren't as rigidly/clearly defined out of necessity... we can take turns, there are things that individually one of us is better at - but the other CAN do almost as well. And we can enjoy the hell out taking turns and being who we are - without also having to fit into any pre-defined patterns or molds.
There is a strong healing aspect for both of us, in this. But that's still out in fuzzy feeling territory; potentially very hopeful and not actualized fully yet. He is aware of that; acknowledges it too. I fully expect we'll butt heads on some things; it's pretty much a given since we're both strong independent (read: hard-headed stubborn) cusses. But it hasn't happened yet and I'm not walking around waiting for that to happen, expecting it or testing it.
I never expected that we would "get" each other - the inner workings of each other - like we do. But it's a real thing and it's amazing. I feel different; like a weight is off my shoulders almost. It's a huge thing and my theory is there's probably a lot of moving parts to it. Yeah, it's taken time. We've sorted through a few verbal misunderstandings. Comparatively easily. This is an adventure I never really saw coming.
Hopalong:
I'm really happy for you, (((((((Amber)))))).
So very very glad.
You deserve love.
You deserve a partner with strong arms and a good heart.
You deserve to experience trusting and being trusted.
When your world is aligned with love and goodwill, beauty comes.
I'm just so glad for you. And for B too.
The abstractions aren't telling me much (they might Twiggyize, which you don't need in this context), save that you are feeling something you have hoped to feel, receiving and giving, and not afraid.
Big smile here. Your hopeful, happy energy comes through.
Give that B a big smack on the cheek from a far-off admirer. (Or not!)
Hugs
Hops
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