Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
Well done, Amber. You figured out how to post pics again, SO satisfying. Thanks!
You gave pretty good descriptions as you worked and planned. Things look familiar....can picture you and B snuggling kitties in snowy weather.
Things are coming together: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I think he poly'd the skull & horns Hops. He stripped & boiled the skull himself. 50% native american, ya know? ;) He and I actually connected through that kind knowledge initially - I learned so much of it as a child from my grandpa and our many family outings to remote, deep woods reservations. Culturally, we are just a natural fit - between the viking, pirate, old hippie, VN war and native backgrounds. His submarine life is all his, however. I tried going on the sub that was open to the public in Baltimore harbor... and didn't last 15 minutes. Claustrophobia.
Thanks for the house reviews! I have another guest room to set up; he's bringing his mom's bedroom furniture - ca. 1920s - so that'll become the updated "bunk room" - a double bed, and two twins. Us girls were talking about the easiest way to remodel the ship-like tiny bathrooms up there last weekend.
Technically, I guess my house is called "post & beam" - the exterior walls are 8" log, and while it's not a true "timber frame" (which I've drooled over for 40 years) this floor plan was one I was in love with through 2 out of my 3 "lives" (and ex's) in this current incarnation. The main living area is the middle floor (like a lot of beach architecture) - with 2 bedrooms up and a 3rd on the ground floor (which is my office now) - along with all the mechanical/utility space and a double garage. Both buildings - house & studio - have 360 decks - which for the sake of maintenance, I really want to shrink the sq footage.
Holly and I have enough ideas about what to do with houses... as it is... and now Buck has his ideas too. I really appreciate having a creative "partner in crime". Us girls can do a lot of stuff on our own... but throw in a guy with an engineering mindset and mechanical ability who lives to work... and well, I expect we'll be getting more stuff squared away around here. OH... I'm beginning to see his leadership qualities shine forth too. Definitely not drill sargent material... he's learned a lot about team building.
I know I'm mostly hitting the positives right now. There are a LOT of simple joys in life that, IMO, are an antidote to the things outside of our own control. I am thinking hard, and working through, this inspiration I've had about my concept of what relationships "require". Since it seems to be what B wants too - and he KNOWS what I mean when I talk about it - I'm pretty confident we'll figure it out organically. Hol and S are working through his (S) lack of openness too - and seem to be in a more cozy place with it right now. So in my corner of the world - things are pretty much as good as they can be. I can only really care about the things that are mine to take care of - the things I might be able to do something about. And I just am not going to let media or anyone else tell me that I must care about x, y, or z or I'm a bad person. Not true.
That kind of implied message - subtext - is the same thing used in the old "save this dog" or "you can feed this child (on another continent) for 50 cents a day" fundraising manipulation. It's emotional blackmail as far as I'm concerned. There are kids right here in my county that can use new shoes & a hot lunch. And the church ladies know all of them. The old saying "charity starts at home" is especially poignant for a lot of us here. Not just in our community - but our actual FOOs.
There is a term I'm hearing in the online Tarot community - Lightworker. It includes the reiki healers, etc. And it's kind of new ag-y and fuzzy & vague, but the name is apt. There are always the people who bring that kind of caring into their local sphere... and since we're all stuck at home anyway, seems like a great time to pursue knowing our neighbors and helping where we can. I think it might be good, when the gloom and futility of our current lockdown circumstances are getting to ya - to think on ways you could brighten someone else's day. Even anonymously. ;)
This is one of the characteristics that Amish/Mennonite culture can contribute to help heal some of the ills around us.
Hopalong:
I love the way you boundary your self-esteem from external sources and draw purpose from the wells that make sense to you, Amber. Nobody's else's wells, your own.
I especially like this and thanks for the reminder:
--- Quote ---There are a LOT of simple joys in life that, IMO, are an antidote to the things outside of our own control.
--- End quote ---
House, man, nature, work, art.
Doesn't get much better than that!
It's so nice to hear you happy.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
It comes and goes, Hops. But I do feel genuinely happy more often.
sKePTiKal:
Things are moving into "the holidays" mode around here again. And again, it's hard for me to juggle that (which I equate to fun, downtime) with all the work projects I have taking up residence in my head.
There was a chance that B might come up, and of course - my imagination built some lovely stories about that possibility. LOL. His D will be off for T'giving break before going back to school for finals. My brain knows that this is a huge life process for him; the end of an era - the closing of that chapter. It's important to him to meet his own standards about "how" that happens. For his own self-respect. So I'm not feeling much disappointment. In a way, it's a "sign" of how he'll treat me. Maybe. But I can respect his process and standards. How he's learning to let the D go and grow up.
Hol went up to the city for a couple days to help her friend - who was partnered with Hol's boss, who died last fall - empty the special effects van. It was good for her head to be somewhere else than here for a couple days - around the friends who have come here to visit. They both realized that this job was harder for Hol than Mel. Hol had spent a LOT of time working with boss in that van. But H was able to talk about that - almost cheerfully too - realizing the happiness amid all the work frustrations, personality issues, etc and get some closure - FINALLY - herself. Just the other day, she was talking about an experience and referred to the boss as if he was still here. (Mom didn't point it out; I figure she was aware of what words came out of her mouth.) Hol is going thru the process of reinventing her life without that job being the centerpiece of it. Another ending that is also a beginning.
The business numbers are stagnating. Our "cushion" of cash is running out with no positive signs available that sales will turn around in the near future. On that topic - avoidance and procrastination have been my friend. It's scary to think that my only source of income - now with dependents again - might go away. Scary thoughts tend to push me into extreme reactions and I SOMETIMES make bad decisions from that place. So, I'm taking my own sweet time, dealing with this in chunks.
Essentially, the business needs to be downsized relative to the drop in sales. Payroll has increased as a percentage of sales - because of the big drop in sales. We never worried about that when sales were good. Nothing lasts forever. And fortunately, all my "working poor" life lessons are still stuck in my head. And this trend started a few years ago - so it's not a surprise to me... and I had some idea of what we would/could do to downsize even back then. Is it mean of me to resent actually being faced with the situation? Maybe. So far, I'm just letting the feeling rest in the back of my mind and not letting it take hold. Too much to do and I don't want to be stuck in negativity. I'm trying to find a middle path through keeping the balance sheet solid and taking care of my people.
Maybe it's synchronicity; but my investment guy called yesterday. With him, since he was a friend, he gets the full picture... and I put him to work for me on a couple things too. That's why they make those fees, IMO. I just need information right now... and no, I'm not investing any more under the circumstances. I have other options for the cash. And I'm fully capable of managing that myself.
B and I are in a good place. We're cozy; all the angst of a new relationship seems to be passing; getting lighter; the doubts, uncertainty, questioning on trust/emotional issues. Still nothing we can't discuss... but we don't navel gaze or nitpick through things much. We seem to be agreed on relationship structure and don't spend too much time thinking about the future given all the variables that are up in the air about it right now. Keeps expectations more grounded and reality-based.
My head is overfull of too much to think about again. And so far, it's not out of control coz I'm just picking one or two things per day to accomplish - and finding some interesting distractions for a time-out from all that. But Hol is a pretty good cohort in crime for brainstorming, planning, logistics, and just generally living one day at a time... so we're having a meeting of the minds this morning before my shopping run.
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