Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupp. Yes, I think you do know exactly what I'm trying to find words for.
I was kinda watching this; observing; yesterday. I had no choice but to call my "problem child" and resolve an issue. After all these years, she'll be 44 this year, she broke down & bawled like a baby... proclaiming she just wanted to talk to her mommy. (I've had her blocked on my phone for exactly a year so she couldn't do that; for my own peace of mind. And to protect myself from being re-hurt.) For 30 years - I was the last person she cared about. And true to form - her words said one thing, but all she wanted to talk about was herself. No interest in my plans for the day, my life - or whether I was healthy. Nada. I did get a token apology when I told her what I did - and that the reason I did is because she'd said some terribly ugly and hurtful things to me. Way more direct about my thoughts, feelings and how that informed my actions. Nothing bad happened. She doesn't care enough about me to be upset about that.
Then, I spent the evening at the hut. S had an old girlfriend - that he's still friends with - over. I took pie & whipped cream and we just hung out. Us girls had a nice giggle-chat; and I could talk business and Covid with the friend. I actually conversed w/S too... he seems more relaxed in the house HE lives in, than being in MY house. LOLOL. OK, whatever, that's probably pretty common. Nothing felt weird or uptight... but then, I've never felt that anywhere Hol lived. It was nice little evening and I had plenty of time to myself.
I'm taking a lot MORE, too. This weekend. Making some wooly bullies (moth repellent sachets) for a friend's gift and doing some more financial/farm planning... and decisions. Mama Captain is taking the ship full speed ahead.
Hopalong:
That's amazing, Amber. I admire your courage in letting your hurtful D back in, to some degree. I'm sorry she's still not mature enough to notice you as a human being rather than solely parent-to-blame. The estrangement expert, Dr. Jonathan Coleman, says in his books parents of estranged adult children can NEVER expect to be seen and heard that way. Even a token apology would be something amazing to me.
I'm so glad you had a happy evening at the hut and have got your mojo back! It really does seem as though you have an entirely new chapter underway and it's wonderful to hear about.
Hope the mountain always gives you back more strength and inspiration.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Buck says he sees more frequent evidence of my strut returning. (Bob Seger tune... "He loves to watch her strut") It has literally been since the 80s when I had that - despite my difficulties living as a single mom, and then art school & the always-right, stubborn, perfectionist that was Ex#2.
There are a couple different versions of the strut. Sometimes, it's because I know I physically look good (oh, vanity... never goes away) and that usually happens when I'm feeling good. There's the "going to conquer the world no matter what" strut. And then, "I know something you don't know" strut... LOLOLOL.
Fairly harmless, and I don't bother with worrying about other people's reaction to it - because I'm truly not trying to make anyone feel less than - or that I'm any better than anyone. It used to be a "thing" for me though; that trying to be invisible so I wouldn't attract either unwanted attention or I was so over-responsible about other people's feelings that I would dim my light so as not to be a reason for them feeling bad. I think all I accomplished with that "thing" was simply adding tense energy to interactions. For everyone.
Now onward to taking care of a bit of a list of tasks; nothing heavy-duty... maybe a little fun, too.
sKePTiKal:
Phew. Most of my Christmas shopping is done. Hol is a tough one this year. I even found a present for S this year. I am only buying things that I know people will really use this year. I saw a pair of supersoft & fuzzy slippers that I thought Hol would like (and I did too)... they're backordered until Jan/Feb!! Why are they in the catalogue then?
Maybe I'll order her a pallet of paver blocks. LOL. The mud around the hut is pervasive. I can always get her trail bologna & a wheel of baby swiss. :D
I made a list of ingredients to get for ALL the things I might possibly bake for Christmas, except for maybe Lebkuchen... which seems redundant with the frosted gingerbread cake. Most of what I'm considering is more candy than cookies this year. Fudge, pralines, marshmallows... and the like.
I haven't cut greens yet, because it's COLD out there and the wind is fierce. Have a feeling Hol & I will meet up in studio later today or tomorrow. So woodstove duty takes up time - but it's oh so worth it when the wind is blowing. But between the kitchen and woodstove - I'm running the steps a lot to keep everything moving along just right. I may have a commission to make another anorak, like I made Buck but in wool, over the winter, too. For a friend.
Things are moving along on B's end but no word yet on whether he'll be here around Christmas or not. Construction is now in winter mode - all weather dependent. There is a load of materials for framing out Hol's garage coming next week. They still need to finish the deck railings and build steps down to the field off there. She's painting baseboards, a little every day; has some fake greens & lights up over her huge doors.
And I'm still getting plenty of "rip van winkle" time. Started from the beginning in Outlander, again. Something to watch that isn't dependent on my cell signal. Trying to see if I can associate it with my life, for a third iteration... mental exercises about emotions kinda. LOLOL. Who knows what I'll stumble across?
Both B and I are getting antsy about getting him moved here. But once again - I feel it's required that I take stock and analyze what I currently know about both of us. I think, to quiet the monkey mind's refrain about looking before you leap. If nothing showed up in over a year with getting to know him, inside & out, I don't want to manufacture anything to fuss over from my fears & triggers, ya know? I won't get around to it, if I keep myself focused on other things that require me to concentrate a little.
Business is going to quietly run into the start of the new year without any major drama. Guy in charge found one place we can save a big chunk of change in the health insurance that doesn't drastically impact the employees in exchange for potential raises next year (dependent on sales); we've cut the Christmas bonuses this year - but everyone will still get one. We should still be in the black this year; just barely - but that does reduce the taxes that bro & I will pay.
My BRAIN is over-active with all this stuff. But my body still hasn't gotten out of my cozy bed nest yet. LOLOL. So, it's about time I get them synchronized a little closer and headed in the same general direction.
lighter:
You sound happy, busy and pretty content to me, Amber.
Go cut greens when the wind dies down. It's spectacular at my Dad's farm right now. Perfect for missing and decorating for Christmas.
Lighter
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