Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
Hopalong:
That's a beautiful saga, Amber.
And it doesn't matter if it seems like a mystical-Outlanderish connection or however feels right to describe it, because it is working for you. You're doing trust. In the universe, in him, but most of all in yourself.
I'm just tickled to read it. Your perspective on Mike is wise too. Warts and all, and you truly loved the man. And now you're accepting the gift of B to love. People die, we all will, but the capacity to choose to love does not.
It's wonderful. It was good to read also how much you and Hol have been healing and learning, too. I'm really glad things are settling down for her. Absence (meaning out of your house) really has helped the heart grow fonder, and what a relief.
Your patience and peace around waiting for Buck is really a lovely kind of strength and I'm so impressed you can do that so well. Next time he comes through the stones, you'll probably put waffles on a plate for him just as he comes through the door.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOL... or run away totally freaked out that he's here permanently Hops. (I don't THINK I will, but I do acknowledge it feels a little scary; which could just be "the unknown future" freaking me out a little. Or exhilarated excitement & overwhelming joy that gets translated in my warped brain as fear.)
There isn't much left on his to-do list anymore. The retirement stuff has been happening; he didn't think to tell me; I had to ask. Now, all he needs is his new VA card officially registering his "seperated" status - then he can come here and start over with new doctors. (Already got recommendations from my nurse step-daughter). Most of his appts/docs still see him - but they're absolutely not providing any treatments; just a way to ding the insurance for an office visit.
His D is home for T'giving and he's helping her with DMV stuff so she can have her vote actually count (her temporary license was expired on election day; so she was a provisional ballot) and can take a car back to school with her next semester. I think she'll be able to live off campus too - which will be better than living in a dorm, virus wise. She's working too; on campus food vendor.
That leaves just listing the house and getting it sold. (Which can happen after he moves, as long as someone keeps the yard tidy. Sometimes that can be arranged thru the realtor.) And of course - there's the purging and packing going on. My hunters have offered to help him move a big piece of shop equipment - they're truckers. So that's an option for the actual move.
Hol is having a friend over for dinner tomorrow; they've decided to do funny dress-up black tie. Not the traditional dinner either; she's either making tamales or something along those lines. Yes - separating our daily life has been very helpful for all of us. Even S is speaking to me more often, like a real person does. LOLOL.
I'm dragging my feet about getting moving today; I need to run to a local shop - to look for Christmas gift stuff and make pumpkin pie. I'm doing a more traditional dinner for myself - and either reading or finding a new "epic saga" to watch when I finish Downton Abbey. There are some work decisions I have to do today - but I'm hoping email was the extent of it.
Hopalong:
Amber, you just sound so clear, and solid, and well-anchored both within yourself and in your activity.
Dunno quite how to explain it, but I just feel happier and happier reading you these days. I don't think it's ALL to do with your having found love with B, but that's surely part of it.
It's as though finding that new space for your heart-life has grounded all the rest of your life, while you participate in and weather all its ups and downs.
I am so very happy for and about you!
big hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
B might've been a catalyst - but I think what happened is something huge shifted, remember my 16-ton turkey buzzard? I got out of my own way... and lifted the prohibitions I had in place - to keep me "safe". What it was doing was simply shutting off my connection to other people and the world.
DIRECT is more the word I'd use about me these days; I am directly my self and feel just as, if not more, safe this way than the overly guarded self I used to be.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on November 26, 2020, 03:29:09 PM ---
DIRECT is more the word I'd use about me these days; I am directly my self and feel just as, if not more, safe this way than the overly guarded self I used to be.
--- End quote ---
That is chiming with me so much just now, Skep, and I'm not really straight enough about it in my own mind to explain why but yes, I get it. Almost like being strong enough now to be unguarded which is safer - the risks have reduced? And so putting your true self out there is attracting the right sort? Instead of the guarded self which inadvertently invites those who will trample on you? I can't find the right words just now but I think I get it. And if it is what I think it is, then I'm delighted for you! Lol xx
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