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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
AHA!

That "inner critic" that motivates me to just get on with what I know I need to do... does come with a particular identifiable voice of my mom. Perhaps I need to swap that for my own "mom voice"; give the critic a voice-over makeover...

Might give that a try; see if it's possible; see if it changes effectiveness any.

Can't hurt.

Hopalong:
Are you supposed to be "effective" on steroids???

You're already the most insanely hardworking and productive person I've known, in the real physical world anyway. (M is champion in the intellectual, books-and-articles world.)

Sheesh. Mebbe that voice can be just your KIND adult inner voice. Not bashing you about effectiveness and productivity exclusively...equally pleased with you when you laze and relax and create or ... well, cupcakes. (Available for productivity encouragement when needed, but not as her only lines in the play.)

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, at this point in my life the scales tip a lot more into the lazing, thinking, vegetating side of things than say 20 years ago. I get that's a natural thing - and I have fully enjoyed (and almost stagnated) - in that place. I've even guarded and defended that place, for awhile. Protective of the chance to, for once, do THAT to my heart's content. For me, I feel better - physically and emotionally - when I'm up and moving and not in my head so much. The things I want only come from some ONE putting in the efforts to "make it so".

Oh, it's lovely when someone offers to do it for me. But it also denies me that opportunity to keep active and push myself to do a little more... which is how I increase what I CAN do. I had to have that conversation with friend John when he was here. He was oh so helpful... but I am working on re-inventing how I get things done. Motivate myself. Do things my own old-ass self. It was wonderful to have some years just for contemplation; I really needed that time.

This is a different wavelength; different gear... and while I'll still take whatever time I need to look inward... I don't really NEED that much anymore. I'm restless to get my body moving and doing... that will put the final polish on the work I did sitting on the sofa, sleeping, throwing the clock, calendar and responsibility to others -- to the 4 winds.

Hopalong:
What's nice is how well you both know and champion yourself, Amber. I really like your confidence in what works well and makes things better, and what doesn't.

I'm just going to work on being inspired. I personally have taken contemplation into what you referenced earlier, almost a paralysis of over-reflection.

I've learned to avoid action, the discomforts of moving after too much sedentary behavior (and the falls). I am just going to have to gut it out to get moving consistently again.

Small steps ARE okay, but I need to take some every day. And what you do with your life really is invigorating to read about. Thanks for sharing it. I know when I read about you relaxing I think it's important, as though I know you're overdoing...but I don't really have a reason to conclude that.

Long caregiving habits give me tendencies to look at others' massive productivity accounts with concern instead of celebration, which is dumb. You've been creating your own balance (and very successfully) for years.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops.

But I haven't done anything much different. Just stopped bullshitting myself - ie, pretending to be what I'm not and it's now much easier for me to navigate things in life - just being "me" without layers in between. I got out of my own way. Since it feels good to do this - maybe that's the reason it seems I have more confidence? It's not buried under the illusion of massive effort or work or elaborate theories (artist's statements, oh my) of how/why I do things.

Kinda going minimalist and simple with my interface with the world right now. (Will it last? Stay tuned next week! LOLOLOL)

Sigh. 5 years ago, I didn't know that on this date, in the morning, that Mike would be gone by 5 pm. I knew it was inevitable; we were all simply waiting. Thanksgiving was the 25th that year. I remember - but there aren't any big feelings around it anymore. I've done a LOT of processing in 5 yrs, about our relationship... the good, bad & ugly. There isn't any big "hole" that needs filled in my life; I just let it heal and became whole again.

So, when Hol needed a place to land and put herself back together again - I had me to give, again. This time, she was able to give back - actively. The work we've done together - by ourselves and collaboratively - has helped each other be stronger and clearer than either of us were before. Mz. Talk Everything To Death, Hol.... kinda taught me how to "use my words" to talk about feelings better. LOL. I've been teaching her that she's big enough to contain even her most intense emotions... and let them sort out before taking action to relieve the volcano.

THEN, a year or so later, the occasional phone calls w/Buck turned into an active problem-solving situation - the work my vehicles needed. I just asked him recently how he decided to come all that way, just to get me out of a mechanical meltdown. It's over 500 miles. He was in-between surgeries, dealing with infection... watching his business get torn apart by ne'er-do-well partner. He didn't need a flailing woman putting out an SOS for the cavalry (w/tools & experience).

He said he felt something from his distance; wasn't sure what it was. And that decided him to make the trip - to find out what it was. LOLOL. Yeah, he found out all right. It's been decades & decades since I was that "forward". It kinda came outta nowhere for me, too. We were, at the time, friends. Had a history of talking to each other about our lives, back & forth... and the things we were interested in.

Watching him work, cooking for him while he worked... it felt like we were having an emotional level conversation; back & forth exchange emotionally. He was down the hill at the studio garage... but there was still an exchange. I know I've been talking about fantasy a lot lately; I've spent the days since June 14, 2019 trying to figure out WHAT this was... because I wasn't imagining it; it was happening when I sat next to or opposite him, talking too. It still happens.

With cell service getting unreliable here... I've seen texts stack up before they come in from him. And there are up to hour delays now delivering messages. But we still have this weird communication connection. We know when each other is asleep... or preoccupied over something; he knows when Hol & I are in deep discussion; and we know when we're missing each other -- without the words going back & forth.

Because I had no trust that this wasn't just my imagination or fantasy, I didn't just jump at first. It was pretty obvious to everyone that I was keeping a good bit of me, "in reserve". Not letting him in and not sharing that; not at that point. But over time, that connection convinced me to tentatively trust that he wasn't playing me... and the next visit a year later, whatever that connection is was even stronger.

Strong enough not to be devastated or immoblized by yet more physical distance and "waiting"... while he finishes tying up the loose ends of his life there. I have things to do, too. I think this is the most amazing thing; this connection that doesn't diminish even when we can't be together for months or a year. The total independence that's possible for each of us; without even tarnishing the commitment & connection. It's a marvel to me because I've not ever experienced - or even read fictional descriptions - of such a possibliity. Maybe Outlander is that, a little.

I am romanticizing and idealizing a bit much over this I guess. Oddly, on this day of all days too. But I don't feel disloyal to Mike; it was what it was; what we were to each other and I don't have any regrets or guilt anymore about it. People die. And we remember them -- but we are still free to share love with others, IMO. If it sparks again. I was OK if it didn't; and I'm simply awed that it did and in such a distinctly all at once way. That first 12 hours with Buck - I was able to see who he is; I "knew" him... (even though Hol says/believes this is not possible) and it was like finally being "home" again. It's a special weird thing; and he felt it too.

I think we tend to recognize others of our "tribe" -- and that is way more and way different than just having genetics or this-life experiences in common. I know I've met many over the years. People I haven't seen in years... yet could sit down with them today and it would be as if we'd gotten together the day before. People in our "Korass" to borrow yet another Vonnegut term.

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