Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
One of my fav "rock & roll" Christmas tunes...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfY4b1NszpY
Yes, just getting up doing - what, at the root, was all stuff I WANTED done - helped me shake off the wobblies. And that's my motivation: it's stuff I want to do, really want to do -- whether anyone sees/acknowledges it or not -- because it's the kind thing, it's being neighborly, or spreading cheer & goodwill to all mankind... small gestures & smiles have a ripple effect... maybe especially when some people don't understand...
that is an effective teaching method.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 25, 2020, 09:35:44 AM ---One of my fav "rock & roll" Christmas tunes...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfY4b1NszpY
Yes, just getting up doing - what, at the root, was all stuff I WANTED done - helped me shake off the wobblies. And that's my motivation: it's stuff I want to do, really want to do -- whether anyone sees/acknowledges it or not -- because it's the kind thing, it's being neighborly, or spreading cheer & goodwill to all mankind... small gestures & smiles have a ripple effect... maybe especially when some people don't understand...
that is an effective teaching method.
--- End quote ---
Definite nodding to the small gestures, Skep. I've said for a long time that people doing little things makes a big difference - holding a door open, saying good morning, leaving a pot of jam on a doorstep - it all makes a difference. I'm glad you shook your wobbles off xx
sKePTiKal:
My goodness it's cold here! But it's not so bad outside, at my house on the top of the cliff - as it is down in the bottom of the hollar at the Hut. The wind is forced through a tunnel of the two close ridges and with an ambient temp of 24-28 degrees - the wind chill goes to zero right quick! Both houses are pretty cozy; I still have a draft that I can't quite find in the living room but I just close the curtains and it helps.
I heated up my de rigeur spiral ham and cut it all off, packing up a couple pounds for the Hut, a loaf of my country white bread and a tin o' sweets and grabbed a bottle of champagne that had been hanging around in the fridge for a year or so... and delivered presents and hung out a bit. The friend who's staying with them, talks non-stop about herself - essentially an anxiety-tic - and I started to notice my "flee reflex" kick in, LOL... contant, repetitive noise drives me nutz... so I made my excuses while Hol was prepping their dinner and escaped back up the hill. To finish the Fellowship of the Ring, watch some past Olympic Gold ice skating performances, read, snuggle with kitties... and occasionally chat back & forth with B. He's in a not sleeping mode again; phone woke me at 4m with a silly mistletoe pic from him.
I gave Hol a heads up that I'm going to shift into planning mode again next week - and doing mode, depending on weather - and that'll require a studio meeting, with all the lists. I haven't gotten an ETA from B yet; he keeps saying play it by ear. Hmmph. I think I'm about done waiting; within reason. And I'm into my "stare into the void" and "imagine the next steps" phase of my planning. The quiet part. If he wants to be included in that - he'd best make that known to me in a practical way. I'll probably call him later today.
This endless waiting feels too much like how I felt after Mike passed. And that simple fact adds a layer of irritation and suspicion, to the mix. Is he serious or isn't he? It isn't a good idea to leave me alone - after saying I won't be. And I realize I might just be making a problem where there isn't one... so for now, I'm keeping that just between us girlz.
Found out last night that all of Autumn's household has tested pos for the virus; she & fiancee are sick sick; Logan has a cough... and the littlest, Ms. Harper - is asymptomatic. Told her to let me know if she needed anything. Hol & I can tag-team to help her out. So much for frontline people getting the vaccine, I guess.
Thinkin' maybe I'll start re-arranging furniture. Just for something different to look at. :grump:
Twoapenny:
Sorry to hear of those with the virus, Skep, and hope they aren't too badly affected and start to feel better soon. And sorry that Buck hasn't lit a bit more of a fire under his plans yet so that you've got a firm date in mind - I'm guessing even if it were further down the line than you'd like any date would be better than no date. So I hope whatever he needs to sort out gets sorted sooner rather than later so that you can just get cracking. Waiting on other people does my head in, I've no patience lol. Fellowship of the Ring and kitty snuggling sounds nicer than Hol's drone along friend :) I hope you can get on with some planning and doing soon - I've had three days of doing not much over Christmas and I have to admit, I'm happier when I'm busy. Cleaning today, re-organising food so we don't waste any and packing away the Christmas decs - I'm much happier! Lol xx
sKePTiKal:
Yeah. Open mouth and actually SAY what's bugging me after I said I wouldn't. SMDH. And no, it wasn't just going away; hence the expression of truly uncomfortable feelings. And no, I didn't bother doing the deep-dive analysis FIRST... and I couldn't ignore it anymore and just wait it out. SIGH.
So, it came out worse than my normal ungraceful delivery. Funny how some words simply can't be unsaid - and yet others are of no consequence at all.
But, B is not terribly sensitive, or insecure in himself - he let me have my say, explained yet again that things have to be a certain way in his logistics of the move and is just fine about my hissy fit over the long-assed wait and feeling like we haven't even begun an actual "relationship" -- and that I don't rate that high in his set of priorities. Anyone else (in my experience) would come back with a question about whether I still wanted to pursue this and take offense at my feelings. Even to the point of running away himself. Not B.
Yeah. All this bubbled up from the old "I don't matter" wound. And that was partly due to me, not really taking the time for the self-care I need this time of year. Kicking myself now - because I really do know better than this and where I got way-laid was too much alone time and letting my head have free-rein without the focus of doing what needs to be or can be done right now. Including things for me. I've been pushing all that to the back burner, bottom of the list again. And then, got frustrated over the online shopping/shipping delays - that I can't do anything about; and just felt just.... whiny, dis-satisfied, and generally unpleasant to be around (and trust me, it's even worse being me in that state).
So... I have a list (as usual). And I'm going to start knocking things off the list again. The worst thing I can do for my mis-wired brain is to sit around waiting for Prince Charming to show up and make everything OK - when there are things I have to do prior to his arrival and things to do for myself - and things that I am fully capable of doing for myself, including putting my head back into a better space.
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